Monday, 10 February 2014

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

My blogs are like buses. You wait ages for one and then loads come at once. Except unlike a bus ride, you don't spend the entire duration of my blog with your finger hovering over the "9" on your mobile in case someone mugs you. Or maybe you do. I am pretty menacing. Here's a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup for you to peruse instead of doing whatever it is you should be doing. It's OK I won't tell anyone...

1. Miley Cyrus says her upcoming tour will be an "education" for teenagers.

Lock up your sledgehammers or she'll be gobbling on them like a Flip-Pop from the 90s (or like a man's cock), Miley Cyrus is hopping off the plane at your nearest airport with a dream and her cardigan, and putting on a show for us all!

Yes, that's right, the Bangerz tour is kicking off in a matter of days in Vancouver (incidentally Toronto mayor Rob Ford was in Vancouver just days before Miley, we hope he didn't smoke all the good weed before she got there NAR MAN I'M SURE HE DIDN'T HE IS AFTER ALL A RESPECTED POLITICIAN).

However while some conservative parents have decided they don't want their kids watching the artist formerly known as Hannah Montana leaping around the stage with her labia hanging out, Miley has defended her controversial stage performances, saying her tour will be an "education" for youth.

An "education" indeed...

So, yeah, Miley was speaking to reputed news source Fuse News - most famous for their coverage of Syria - and said: "Even though parents probably won't think this, I think my show is educational for kids. They're going to be exposed to art most people don't know about".

That all sounds very exciting, and if that wasn't enough Miley then teased her fans with a backstage picture of the "art" they can expect from the Bangerz tour...

Who knew Miley loved a jumbo hot-dog between her legs? And, yes, that is a sweatshirt with her own face on it that she's wearing. Amazing.

No matter how much of an education kids are getting on the Bangerz tour, the one thing they're not learning is how to correctly spell the word 'bangers'...

2. James Arthur goes off on one on Twitter (how completely out of character).

Remember when Nicole Scherzinger collaborator James Arthur gave up Twitter? That was a peaceful five minutes, wasn't it?

Alas, it wasn't long before the X Factor winner was back filling our timelines with his unique mix of hateful rants and cringe-inducing, self-indulgent bollocks. And now he's in trouble again, this time after an incident involving his PA and a girl with massive titties.

Screengrabs of messages that James had allegedly sent to glamour model Teddy Edwardes (who we can no doubt look forward to seeing in the Celebrity Big Brother house this summer) made their way onto Twitter, bearing the beautiful message: "I would like to fuck the living shit outta you". SO ROMANTIC, AND SO CLOSE TO VALENTINE'S DAY TOO. I'm getting misty-eyed (and misty elsewhere, too, that smooth-talking Romeo...).

When she spurned his advances, telling him "fucking randoms for a one night stand isn't really my thing", he hit back, saying "Babe. Don't flatter yourself alright. You're more random than I'll ever be. You're lucky I'm moving my thumbs for a random like you".

And it was the cringe felt around the world...

James has taken a leaf out of Shaggy's book and said "it wasn't me", claiming it was in fact his old PA that sent Teddy the embarrassing messages. However, when she posted the number on Twitter former X Factor contestant Lucy Spraggan - who, herself, has been involved in a very public argument with James after he posted a rap containing homophobic slurs online - stated that it was, in fact, his number and not his PA's.

Since then, James seems keen to take the attention back to his music, sharing titles of the song titles appearing on his forthcoming "mix tape". Because we all remember how well it went last time you put out a "mix tape", and called someone a "fucking queer" on it. People really seemed to love that, didn't they?

The question remains: exactly what will it take before Simon Cowell drops James Arthur for good? I feel like every ridiculous thing he does - the homophobic raps, the public arguments, the ridiculous self-indulgent Twitter posts - is like hanging another bag on fucking Buckaroo. What is it going to take..?

And if you thought James Arthur was behaving like a moron, just wait...

3. Shia LaBeouf doesn't want to be famous anymore, ends up being more famous than ever.

Here's a useful tip for journalists struggling to write Shia LaBeoufs name over and over again: all the vowels in his surname are in alphabetical order! Handy!

So, yes. Shia LaBoeuf is behaving like a real ass-hat at the moment. It all started when he premiered his "short film" Howard, but ended up in hot water when it emerged the whole bastard thing was plagiarised. It then transpired that basically everything he's ever directed has been stolen from someone else, leading him to post the following statement...

"In my excitement and naiveté as an amateur filmmaker, I got lost in the creative process and neglected to follow proper accreditation".

Erm...yeah! Woopsie!

Since that embarrassing faux pas, he's been behaving very erratically on Twitter, posting the message "I AM NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE" every day, reminding me slightly of this moment from The Office... if just saying the words enough will make it happen. No, no, Shia. That's not how it works.

He took things to the next level when promoting his new arty film (not quite as arty as the Bangerz tour, but it's up there) Nymphomaniac where Shia stars alongside Charlotte Gainsbourg, Jamie Bell and Uma Thurmann and they all get shagged every which way.

When quizzed about the film's sex scenes at a press conference in Berin, Shia said: "When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea. Thank you very much", before storming out to the bewildered applause of his co-stars and the journalists present. I like to think that before he left he played a few confusing notes on a fife and then jigged out of the room, but unfortunately this was presumably not the case.

That night Shia turned heads when he decided to show up on the red carpet sporting a brown paper bag over his head sporting the message: "I am not famous anymore".

Seriously, Shia. Someone needs to explain this to you. That is not how fame works. The more erratically you behave, the more attention you draw to yourself. And the more attention you get, the more famous you become. This is literally the first time the words "Shia LaBeouf" have ever appeared on this celebrity blog, which I have been writing for a few years now. Do you honestly think I ever sat through Transformers? Or The Even Stevens Movie? No. The only reason we're talking about you is because you're running around town like a bell end with a bag on your head telling everyone you're not famous anymore. Have a word.

Thankfully since then, Shia has decided to use his new-found paper bag fame to help spread awareness of important causes...

Well done, Shia.

That's it!
Laters! x

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

In the film of this story, I am played by 10 Things I Hate About You-era Joseph Gordon-Levitt-John-Jacob-Jingle-Jingleheimer-Schmidt or whatever his name is. I know I'm massively punching above my weight, but bare with me. My blog is played by Anne Hathaway, wearing Deirdre Barlow glasses and possibly a scoliosis brace to correct her unsightly hump. We're basically outcasts at high school, and we relate to each other. We "get" each other. We don't care that the other kids stuff me my locker, or throw "slurpies" in Anne Hathaway's face or whatever it is the kids on Glee do (I was in my high school choir and I suffered a lot worse than a "slurpie" in the face, but let's not turn this into a pity party).

Things are going great for me and Anne Hathaway, until the arrival of My Internship, played in this analogy by Chloe Bridges, best known for playing Donna LaDonna in The Carrie Diaries, though she was also the popular bitch in the extremely unpopular third film in the Legally Blonde trilogy, Legally Blondes, a film so terrible you'd have to be as off-your-box as Justin Bieber behind the wheel to enjoy it.

For some reason Chloe Bridges takes a shine to me even though I'm incredibly unpopular. Maybe she finds me "goofy" or "cute" or whatever it is Americans say, or maybe our mothers used to know each other before she moved to Connecticut (I have no idea who or what a Connecticut is). Everyone warns me that My Internship is a heartbreaker, that I shouldn't get too involved because she has had a carousel of men before her. But I don't listen. I fall for her hard, thinking I will be the one to change her. But I can't. And just when I was getting to fall in love with her, she tells me she wants to see other people.

And that's when Anne Hathaway takes off her glasses, and whips off her scoliosis brace. For the first time she's walking erect. And so am I. But will things between Anne and I ever be the same again? Let's find out, in a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Justin Bieber-Welsh bites a girl's tit.

A lot has happened to Justin Bieber-Welsh since I last did a blog, and unfortunately none of it involves a sleepover in Hebburn. Basically, his 2014 didn't really get off to a flying start - or perhaps you could say it did, depending on which way you look at it - as he was arrested for arranging a drag race in Miami while allegedly off his box on alcohol and cannabis.

Proving he was just as committed to paying his debt to society as he was to making decent music (ie. not at all), here is his mug shot:

Because if you've got enough money you can basically do whatever you want, he was bailed out a matter of hours later. Did he apologise to his fans for his blatant disregard for the law, and endangering his life and the lives of others? No, but he did upload an Instagram photo comparing his arrest for drink-driving to Michael Jackson's "not guilty" verdict for child molestation. Because those two things are definitely comparable.

So listen, we all know I love Justin Bieber, right? I think he's a beautiful man, and I just want him to be alright. I thought this arrest would be the end of his cunty behaviour. I genuinely thought this would be him learning his lesson. It turns out this is just the tip of the iceberg. The problem is that he's been arrested, and he's got away with it. And now I suspect he wants to see how much more he can get away with. And that is going to be a lot, because the people around him are not saying "no" to him. How do I know people aren't saying "no" to him. Well, watch his most recent music video... might notice something about Justin Bieber's face that shouldn't be there. I am, of course, talking about that stupid pubey non-moustache he insists on keeping on his face. I don't know if he thinks it makes him look edgy, or bad-ass or whatever. It does not. It makes him look like a 14-year-old whose mother won't let him start shaving yet unless he accidentally cuts himself.

The fact is this - wardrobe, makeup, hair people, the video's director, his friends: all of these people allowed Justin Bieber to keep that moustache, even though it makes him look like a massive, MASSIVE bell end. It is literally a case of the Emperor's New Clothes, which if nothing else at least means he might do some sort of naked YouTube broadcast where he thinks he's wearing magnificent robes while in actual fact his nob is hanging out. I'D BE SCREENSHOT-HAPPY THAT DAY I CAN TELL YOU.

It was in the news just today that the pilot of a private jet was forced to wear a gasmask while flying Biebs around this weekend because the smell of weed was so strong. Meanwhile he and his father reduced a flight attendant to tears after barraging her with verbal abuse, to the point she was forced to hide in the cockpit to avoid him. Justin Bieber. Cockpit. I'll let you write that one yourself.

Meanwhile, on Wednesday he turned himself over to officials after assaulting a limo driver. There is only one instance when abusing a limo driver is OK, and that is if the abuse is taking place in Madonna's Music video. Apparently, Justin asked the driver to turn up the radio (because, let's be honest, The Wheels On The Bus can only really be fully appreciated at full volume). He then stuck his hand through the partition (...yeah) to turn the nob (...yeah) himself, which eventually quickly escalated to him repeatedly smacking the driver in the head.

And as if all that wasn't enough, an obscene photo of Justin emerged this week. Because of its explicit nature, I've decided to obscure the offensive part of it with a picture of my favourite of Justin's tattoos:

Just in case the tattoo and nails weren't a giveaway, this woman is supposedly a stripper. NO JUDGMENT. If you'd like to have a look at the uncensored photo - you cheeky thing, you - then you can click here.


2. Britney Spears has a surprise guest at her Vegas show.

Fans of weave-flipping and unenthusiastic hip-shaking can't have failed to notice that Britney Spears is currently doing "her thing" in Las Vegas, performing her Piece Of Me residency show at the Planet Hollywood hotel. One show a week, because apparently stomping about and pretending to know the words to Gimme More seven years after its release more than that is asking too much of ol' Britney.

Plenty of celebrities have been pictured in the crowd at the show since it opened. Katy Perry was seen there with her gross rebound boyfriend John Mayer, and who could forget this amazing Instagram video of Miley Cyrus rocking out in the crowd to Till The World Ends..?

Britney set tongues wagging (and for once it wasn't just her own tongue, hanging loosely out of her head as she stared out of the window longing for a life away from show business) when she tweeted this earlier in the week:

Now my first thought upon seeing this was, "oh no she's talking to the birds again", but it turned out that GaGa was actually going to be in the audience of Britney's show, which to be honest I'm sure is a really good show. I'm sorry I'm so mean about Britney, everyone. I'm just jealous that I don't have my own Las Vegas residency. Yet. And it was really nice of GaGa to support Britney so publicly, she's said many times before what an admirer of Britney's she is. So yeah, that's nice.

After the show, the pair posed for a photo together which they then shared online. And, erm, they looked a bit "questionable" in it:

So...yeah. It's safe to say Britney's team have given up on trying to show her how to put a wig on, and figured the only way she'll learn is if she does it for herself. Even if that does mean letting her walk around backstage with her wig on back-to-front and inside-out. Meanwhile, GaGa presumably couldn't be bothered to wait around and meet Britney, so she sent Donatella Versace in her place. Britney, of course, was none the wiser, but only because in her mind everybody looks like Chester the Cheetah from the Cheetos adverts.

And they all lived happily ever after.


3. Miley Cyrus says porn ruins everything.

Miley Cyrus is the latest star to grace the cover of W magazine. I don't mind admitting to you that this is a magazine that I have never heard of, but it must be a big deal because everyone is talking about it. It says a lot about Miley Cyrus that the reason people are shocked by her photo on the cover of the magazine isn't because she's naked, but because she's wearing a wig:


The star also gave a very revealing interview with the magazine, which is good because really it's what's inside that counts, right? Yes. Yes it is.

First Miley shocked the world by telling that she "loves getting stoned". STOP THE PRESSES. She also discussed the end of her engagement to actor and proper fucking fittie Liam Hemsworth by curiously stating: "Men watch too much porn", going on to say that men believe that the types of women who exist in porn exist in real life. I know that Miley's main concern at all times is accurate and realistic portrayals of women in the media. Because you see women swinging naked from wrecking balls all the bastard time, don't you?

She continued by describing romantic comedies as "girl porn", and that women delude themselves into thinking that men in rom-coms exist in real life when in fact they don't. Miley, if your idea of "porn" is a box of Milk Tray and a screening of 27 Dresses, then I have some websites to pass on to you that will change your life...

Well that's enough of me being horrible about celebrities for one day