Friday, 19 April 2013


It's beginning to dawn on me that my most recent Twitter followers probably don't even realise that I have/had a blog, and just think I'm an entitled dickhead with too many opinions. BUT NO. I ACTUALLY USED TO WRITE A BLOG, PEOPLE. TENS OF TWENTIES OF PEOPLE READ IT. In honour of this terrifying realisation, and as a means of avoiding doing my uni work which is due in in three weeks, let's have a look at three new releases from the last couple of days and decide whether or not it is a heap of old shite in my favourite recurring feature NMEeeeeeh.

Ke$ha - Crazy Kids, feat.
Released TBA

Right. This isn't going to be pretty everyone, so I'm going to begin this review by reminding you that I love Ke$ha, I've paid good money for all three of her studio albums, her concert in Manchester was one of the best gigs I've ever been to, and I have always maintained that she is a gifted songwriter, unique performer and one of the best popstars in modern history.

Having said that, this song is just not all that. Her most recent album Warrior was, frankly, not worth the wait and only a handful of tracks stand out for me. Only Wanna Dance With You, for example, is probably my favourite Ke$ha song of her whole career while songs like Warrior and Out Alive still have that Ke$ha message of partying till dawn, but they show an evolution of sound that her first two singles Die Young and C'Mon just didn't.

For her third single, Ke$ha did something a little unprecedented and opted for Crazy Kids as the third single. Crazy Kids is basically everything we've come to expect from Ke$ha- there's lyrics about "not giving two fucks", "dancing on the dance floor and drinking by the bar" and "shining like stars". 

The song's not totally generic, it opens with the best pop-song-whistle since Britney's I Wanna Go while the opening line "hello...wherever you are" before going on to confirm that "we are the crazy kids" shows Ke$ha wanting her misfit fans to know that they're on the same page and they have nothing to worry about. A bit of a heavy-handed message, admittedly, but still a nice one.

That said, for the single release Ke$ha has decided, seeing as her last couple of singles sold about a hundred copies between the, to recruit to do a verse (which more or less means we'll see Ke$ha performing this one on The Voice in a few weeks)(and when I say "we" I mean "not me" because I don't watch shit like The Voice).

Now, isn't to everyone's tastes, that's a given. Personally, I think he's got some good songs. Check It Out. 3 Words. Even T.H.E. has lyrics so terrible that you can't help but love them ("this beat is the shit, feces" being my personal favourite).

This song, on the other hand, is an abortion. It's a fucking mess. It's awful. I just despair. Right in the middle of Ke$ha's song about being yourself even if you don't fit in, and going for it with all you've got, says "she put boobies in my face and now I'm really seeing double".

Boobies. In my face. And now I'm really seeing double.

I'd love to say that's the worst part of the song, but he follows that with "kissing while we talking so I'm speaking with a mumble" and as if that wasn't bad enough HE THEN STARTS MUMBLING TO ROUND OFF HIS FEATURE SPOT and goes  "rumbum-umm-errmu-mme-rrmbumm-ummermumer-UMBLE". Fucking awful!

The final nail in the coffin is that, well, we all know I love a good swear. Swearing isn't big, it isn't clever, but I love it. This song has a lot of swearing in it, which means that for the radio edit Ke$ha has to say things like "we don't give a whut", which just makes me want to hurt people.

If you'd like to hear what can only be described as the musical equivalent of a botched enema, then give it a listen yourself.

I can't believe I'm saying this about an artist I really like, especially given how poorly the Warrior campaign is going, but I hope to God this song isn't a hit.

In honour of Ke$ha, how many Silly Old Jack Daniel's (DO YOU GET IT? BECAUSE I AM SILLY OLD DANIEL? HILARIOUS!) bottles out of 5 does Crazy Kids get?


Olly Murs - Dear Darlin'
Available now as part of Right Place, Right Time

If you have Olly Murs's most recent album Right Place, Right Time then you'll be familiar with Dear Darlin', which he announced as the third single to be taken from the album on his Twitter feed yesterday. Then again, how many people would actually go out of their way to listen to an entire album of Olly Murs?

Before we've even listened to the song, the title Dear Darlin' is already problematic. A song called Dear Darling would be bad enough, but that added apostrophe is pretty heinous. Having said that, we should give the song a chance because at the end of the day, Olly Murs is really fit and when it comes down to it that's all that matters, n'est-ce pas?

The song takes the form of a love letter sung aloud which opens with the lyrics "Dear Darlin', please excuse my writin', I can't stop my hands from shakin'". At first I thought this meant the song would be about coming down from heroin withdrawal, but I do not think this is the point of this particular song. 

It starts with just him and a piano, which I'm not crazy about, ballads are never going to be Olly's strong-point, but by the second verse there's all kinds of shite going on with drums and strings. The song it puts me in mind of is the version of You Got The Love that plays over the closing credits of the final episode of Sex And The City which, frankly, if you don't get emotional at then you have no place in my life.

This song is very sad, everyone. It sounds like poor old Olly has had his heart broken. Poor lamb.

If you want you can listen to it below, or you can wait for every radio station and music channel to cram it down your throat. Up to you.

How does it fair on the Silly Old Jack Daniels scale, though..?

Daft Punk - Get Lucky, feat. Pharrell Williams
Available now

Thanks to acts like Calvin Harris and Swedish House Mafia electronic music is fucking everywhere at the minute. All Daft Punk had to do was phone in another Harder Better Faster Stronger and they'd be more or less guaranteed a hit single. Therefore it's pretty noteworthy that what they've instead chosen to do is go in the complete opposite direction, roping in Pharrell Williams for their new single Get Lucky.

However, unlike Ke$ha, Daft Punk got a rapper on their new single and managed not to make a giant steaming turd of a song.

The single itself sounds like the 70s. It's got a bit of disco, a bit of 70s R&B, even a bit of funk, while still sounding relevant in 2013, which is a good thing. It's very catchy, very danceable, very cool-sounding. I don't know how else to describe it, to be honest. This is a song that is probably going to be very big.

Let's have a listen to it...

Jack Daniels, anyone?

Well done Daft Punk. Ke$ha, must try harder.

That's it.

Thursday, 21 March 2013

Girls Aloud: A tribute.

After ten marvellous years (three of which they spent releasing no music whatsoever) Girls Aloud have played their final gig together and announced on their Twitter page they are no more. Why they felt the need to do this over a social networking site I have no idea, but that's that.

Last year Girls Aloud fans were invited to vote for their ten favourite non-singles to appear on the deluxe edition of their then-impending greatest hits album Ten. The fans cocked up massively, especially Cheryl Cole's fans who decided they'd be fucking idiots and vote for a song that only Cheryl has vocals on.

To commemorate this sad day in British pop history, here are my ten favourite Girls Aloud B-sides and album tracks that you may never have heard of, but if you're reading this and you've listened to my radio show, or indeed ever spent any time with me in person, then you probably already have a thousand fucking times.

Thank you, Girls Aloud. You were marvellous.

10. On The Metro (Ten)

So technically this song wasn't available to vote for because it actually appeared as a new track on the main disc of Ten, but it's still a very good song. It deals with the all-important theme of meeting someone in a club, then losing them and crying on public transport all the way home. Last Christmas I was home from my year abroad and I met a man named Peter in a night-club in Sunderland called "Passion". We kissed, and it was nice.

"What do you do for a living, Peter?" I asked.
"I'm a doctor", he said
"You're a doctor???" I repeated.
"No", he replied. He then told me again what his job was but because of the loud music I couldn't understand what he said, so as far as I was concerned I'd just got off with a doctor and that was that and we were going to get married and he was going to take care of me.

I then went to the toilets, and when I came back Peter was gone, never to be seen nor heard from again. Gutted. So, you see, I can relate to this song. I too have lost the love of my life in a nightclub environment. Of course, about a week later I started seeing this lad from America but I mean that's a whole other story really. Each night I still pine for Peter, and when I listen to On The Metro I crave his touch (I am obviously kidding, I am very much in a committed relationship with a person who is not Peter, although sometimes in bed I address him as Peter) (this is also obviously a joke) (or is it?) (yes it is).

The best part about On The Metro is that in the lyrics it says "I popped into the powder room" which is a very Mary Poppins-esque way of saying "I had a piss".


9. I Don't Really Hate You (See The Day)

"I've got a secret that I think you ought to know", says Kimberley on this brilliant little ditty. "The happy people are the ones who have a soul". SHE'S TALKING ABOUT YOU NADINE. Nar man.

This song was the B-side to what is undoubtedly the worst single Girls Aloud ever released, See The Day. What a fucking terrible song. The bewildering thing is, it's B-side is so good and it's one of the earliest songs that Nicola Roberts herself actually got any co-writing credit for, so well done pet you're clearly a lot more capable of writing a song than people give you credit for.

I Don't Really Hate You is, believe it or not, a song about explaining to someone you don't really hate them. That sentence right there pretty much explains why I got an E in my English Literature AS exam, n'est-ce pas?

8. Dog Without A Bone (Sexy! No No No…)

This song opens with the line "a five inch bullet" which, let's face it, is probably talking about a cock. This is a song about cock. It's a song about a man wanting to put his penis inside of a woman, and the woman not being as keen on the idea.

The chorus contains the lyric "[you're] hanging on my heels every night", which I like because even though Girls Aloud are wearing high heels they are clearly the powerful ones in the relationship, something which perhaps someone might do well to explain to Caitlin Moran.

Dog Without A Bone is quite a sexy song, and like the majority of the songs on this list it's from the post-"Something Kind Of Oooooh" era when Xenomania really started to make credible sounding pop music (the next single released after this was Call The Shots, which was undeniably a game-changer for Girls Aloud as important for them being taken seriously as when the Arctic Monkeys did that version of Love Machine and everyone pretended to have loved them all along even though they probably fucking didn't because people are JUST FUCKING SHEEP AREN'T THEY?????)

7. Revolution In The Head (Out Of Control)

By the time what turned out to be their final studio album Out Of Control came out, Girls Aloud were proper stars. Cheryl was on The X Factor, Nicola had embraced her gingerness and Sarah's partying was still seen as endearing rather than just a little bit sad.

Revolution In The Head is a song about just those sentiments: embracing who you are and making things happen instead of just sitting there. I think. I can't be sure. There's a line about "moving that ass" and, more confusingly, "gimme da ting gimme da ting gimme da oh oh oh".

I'm not 100%, so let's head over to my favourite website to see what user "Emerald54" has to say on the matter:

This song is purely about doing things rather than just sitting there, dreaming about it. Never put it off for tomorrow and do it now and don't stop until you succeed your aim. 
Gotta say this is one of my favourite Girls Aloud songs :)

You've got good taste, Emerald54, I'll give you that much.

6. Hoxton Heroes (Can't Speak French)

Girls Aloud not putting Hoxton Heroes on any of their studio albums is, to me, a bit like when Madonna pulled the plug on her original American Life video. They'd made this fabulous statement song, and received co-writers credit for it, but they decided it would be too controversial to actually release it properly so instead they plonked it on the end of the Can't Speak French single.

First, a bit of context. This song was recorded in early-to-mid 2007. A time when Girls Aloud weren't the most "credible" of acts. While they turned their back to record their Tangled Up album, guitar bands slowly crept back into the charts. I'm talking about The View, who wore the same jeans for four days in a row. I'm talking about Razorlight and that "woah oh oh OH there's something in America" song which made no fucking sense. And then out trotted Kate Nash on her piano, playing three chords in a row and wittering on about how "I like tea", "I drink tea" and "I have tea in the morning" in all of her songs, the special little snowflake that she is. WHAT A QUIRKY FRINGE, EH?

The thing all these fucking tedious acts had in common was that they were going on about how they were more worthy of being taken seriously than so-called "manufactured" acts, such as Girls Aloud, and music journalists were lapping it up, a bit like Jake Bugg laying into One Direction. IT'S STILL GOING ON TODAY PEOPLE.

The difference is, Girls Aloud couldn't be arced with that shite, and so they released a little song called Hoxton Heroes about how everyone else needs to get a fucking life because they're every bit as manufactured as they are.

"Don't kid yourself you're an indie clone", they sing in the chorus, "We've seen it before, get a sound of your own". Pretty brave stuff for a band who'd not really been controversial in the past (apart from that time Cheryl lamped a toilet attendant in the face but let's not dwell on that).

"You bought a trilby and a cheap guitar, you thought you'd be a star, didn't get you that far". AMAZING.

5. Models (Chemistry)

Models is one of the oldest songs on this list, and is one of just two of my chosen songs which got a feature on the Ten tour (this one was just a video interlude). Predictably, given the title, it's about models, and more specifically the men who want to shag them. This is actually what the second ever episode of Sex And The City is about, and I often wonder if that's what inspired the song. It's probably not, but whatever.

It also contains the word "shit" which is one of my favourite and certainly most-used swear words, so there you go. And Cheryl tries her best posh voice and says "darling we're in fashion, don't you know?"

I don't really have anything else to say. It's good.

4. Graffiti My Soul (What Will The Neighbours Say?)

If you ask most pop music buffs what is their favourite Girls Aloud album track they will tell you Graffiti My Soul. They'll probably bore you with the details of how Britney Spears's people said to Xenomania WRITE A SONG FOR BRITNEY expecting something identical to Sound Of The Underground, and what they got was stuttering, almost grimy sounding guitar-led piece of POP WONDERMENT. 

For some reason, Britney's people turned it down but Britney's loss was Girls Aloud's gain and they got to record this song. Britney also turned down Umbrella by Rihanna, you know. SOLID GOLD POP FACT YOU CAN TAKE TO THE BANK.

Graffiti My Soul is fucking wonderful, although there is a line that says "got a fist full of love that's coming your way baby" which is enough to make Julian Clary himself wince, isn't it? MATRON.

3. Miss You Bow Wow (Out Of Control)

This song is crackers. There's a lot going on. Sarah Harding fucking owns this song when she sings "I remem-BERRRRRRRR living the dream". I can't really explain this one either so let's go back to our old friend Emerald54 over on to sum this one up for us, shall we..?

i think taht this song means that when the girls get tempted to go and sleep with someone else or go out on a drinking session, they call 999 for a doctor which is the boyfriend. and as they miss him he comes and rescues his girl. and when he 'rescues' her, he makes her feel as though they are the only lovers that night cuz da sex is so good!

"Cuz da sex is so good"??? EMERALD54 YOU HORNY THING, YOU!

Nar seriously though, that pretty much knocks the nail on the head. It sounds very 60s-ish, the chorus makes no sense and Sarah Harding sings a line about dialling "999" which is very British and that is why Girls Aloud are so good.

2. Watch Me Go (Chemistry)
Like most of Girls Aloud's classics (Biology, Love Machine and The Promise, to name but a few) this is a song that has about six different choruses and there's a lot going on but it somehow is pieced together and works magically.

The song ends with Cheryl Cole rapping about a trombone. My boyfriend used to play the trombone you know. WHAT A FUCKING LOSER. Nar man, seriously, he's brilliant.

There's also a fabulous bit of "at quarter past one, I was having fun" "trying to make a move/quarter past two", "then we went for more, quarter past four" action, which frankly is brilliant and could be used to teach kids the time, but there's also a bit about being "tied up to your bed" which is not 100% child-friendly.

"Said your name was Ben". Inspired.

1. Singapore (I Think We're Alone Now)

"I'm watching daytime TV, just wishing you were with me, I'm counting hours and days, gotta stop believing what the movies say". Just gorgeous.

I will miss you, Girls Aloud. Sarah the motor-mouth blonde. Nicola the moody and ever-so-slightly awkward ginger beauty. Cheryl the Geordie glue holding the group together. Nadine- the incomprehensible diva forgetting everyone's names. And the other one.

It's been real.

See you in ten years when your money's run out.

Thursday, 7 February 2013


It's disgusting how long it's been since I've blogged, everyone, and for that I'm truly sorry. I'd fill you in on what I've been up to, but frankly it's been three months and aside from visiting my lad in Texas there isn't really a lot to tell.

So I'll tell you what happened. I got in from University earlier and I looked around my bedroom and I was appalled at the disarray I was confronted with. So I decided I was going to tidy it. And, in a move totally out of character, I rolled up my sleeves and I did it. And once my desk and chair were clear of all the shite they are usually covered in (not literally, obviously), I decided to sit down and write. But what was I going to write? Was it going to be a contribution to my dissertation, the due date of which grows nearer and nearer as the days roll along? DON'T MAKE ME LARFF, MATE, I'M DOING A BLOG.

For them what can't remember, in my NMEeeeeeh feature we listen to new music (hence the NM) and then go "eeeeeeh!" (hence the "Eeeeeeh").

New music, anyone?

One Direction - One Way Or Another
Released February 17th

So it has been revealed that, following in the footsteps of the Spice Girls and that time Peter Kay made that song with Fireman Sam and various other fictional characters, One Direction will be the performers of this year's official Comic Relief single with a cover of Blondie's One Way Or Another.

The song leaked in its entirety and everyone has lost their shit. One Direction fans are going mental because people are listening to the song before they were meant to, and everyone else is going mental because a boyband have covered a song by someone "authentic". RUN FOR THE HILLS, THE SKY IS FALLING, FIRE IS RAINING FROM THE CLOUDS, HORSES ARE EATING THEMSELVES; ONE DIRECTION HAVE DARED TO COVER A SONG BY A GUITAR BAND.

No, folks. If you like the original, it's still there for you to listen to. If you like this, then you have a new song to like.

The song itself isn't bad, it basically sounds exactly like you'd expect One Direction covering One Way Or Another would sound (except there's a bit of Teenage Kicks thrown in for good measure-- which incidentally I suggested aaaaaages ago on Twitter they should cover since the Jedward version of it is so good- COVER YOUR EARS FANS OF "AUTHENTIC" MUSIC). I like it, to be honest, and I've paid good money to go and see Blondie this July.

What I'm 100% not looking forward to is the music video which, especially given it is in aid of Comic Relief, is bound to be filled with all kinds of "tomfoolery" and "clowning around". Zayn Malik is already incapable of delivering a line without raising his eyebrow, pulling a stupid face, randomly pointing or bouncing around with his arms around the rest of the 1D "lads", this video is going to be painful. 

Still, it can't be as insufferable as this Comic Relief video from The Wanted, where they do try their best to make it look like they're enjoying themselves, but end up looking- to quote the great prophet Niall Horan- like a shower of cunts.

Fancy a listen to the low-quality leak of the new One Direction single? 

In honour of Harry Styles joining the ultra-exclusive Taylor Swift Ex-Boyfriend Club (he's now the proud owner of an "I Boinked Taylor Swift And All I Got Was This T-Shirt" t-shirt, of which only 400 were ever printed), how many Taylor Swift Ex-Boyfriends out of 5 does the new One Direction song get..?

I'm not being funny but all in a line it's very clear Taylor Swift has a type, isn't it?

Tegan & Sara - Closer
Released February 10th

Tegan & Sara are twin sisters from a country called Canada. Unlike some twins, like Jedward or the Kray Twins, Tegan & Sara aren't evil, and in fact are really good. If you read any music blogs at all, you'll probably already have heard Closer the first single off their new album Heartthrob and their first proper UK release. If you don't ready any music blogs, then allow me to inform you.

Now, admittedly I only knew one Tegan & Sara song before I heard this one, and that song was called Back In Your Head. That song was, and indeed still is, absolutely cracking. Thankfully this new song is every bit as good as that, except it is a lot twinklier and more poppy, largely thanks to Greg Kurstin who has worked with lots of cool people like Little Boots and Lily Rose Cooper, and lots of tremendously uncool people like Kelly Clarkson and Dido.

Closer is essentially a really nice love song with lyrics about not treating someone, probably a boyfriend, "like you're oh so typical", while they go on to talk about trying to get someone, again probably a boy, "underneath me". STEADY ON GIRLS. With lyrics like that, the boys will come swarming, I'm sure!

Shall we have a look at the video? IT FEATURES KARAOKE, which is always a laugh. Except, of course, for the time I did Your Song on karaoke at The Bank Bar in Newcastle, got a free shot which then made me sick and as I ran up to the toilets to be sick I tripped on the stairs and threw up all down my front, which was really embarrassing. Thankfully there is none of that in this video:

Question is- where does it fall on the Taylor Swift Ex-Boyfriend spectrum..

Never mind Taylor Swift, if they keep this up then this pair of fittie twins might have their own string of celebrity ex-boyfriends before long-- am I right, lads?? PHWOOOOOAR.


Tom Odell - Hold Me
Released March 31st

Following in the footsteps of Jessie J and Emeli Bloody Sandé, Tom Odell is the first ever male winner of the Critics' Choice award at the BRIT Awards. However don't let the fact that Tom has nice blond hair and looks a bit like Ellie Goulding's brother fool you, his music is far from lovely and is actually quite a racket.

Hold Me is Tom's first proper single, and while it isn't the worst thing I've ever heard, it does sound slightly like he wants put out of his misery a little bit. Cheer up, Tommo, it isn't that bad, surely? The piano of it all is nice and puts me in mind of early Coldplay (that was intended as a compliment in case you're interested) but his voice is just not pleasant. I'll throw my hands up and say that clearly I am not Tom Odell's target audience, but come along now there's no need for all that whooping and hollering, is there?

If you'd like to hear a load of shouting, here is Hold Me for yourself:

Come on, Tom! Give us a smile, eh?

Where does it rate on our Taylor Swift Ex-Boyfriend scale, though-- that's what you clearly want to know.

The answer to that is "not very highly at all".

Well that's it from me.
It's nice to be blogging again.

Friday, 2 November 2012


Did everyone have a good Halloween? I certainly did, although I did spend the rest of the following day in a horribly hungover special and was in bed before my flatmates for the first time since moving in with them.

Fancy listening to some new music..?

Amelia Lily - Shut Up (And Give Me Whatever You Got)
Released January 2013.

I don't like to mention this, but I was living in France this time last year, meaning I didn't get to see very much at all of the previous series of The X Factor. Therefore the first time I actually got to hear anything from Amelia Lily was when she released her debut single earlier this year, You Bring Me Joy. It wasn't my favourite song in the world, I'll admit, but over time it started to grow on me.

This follow-up single wastes no time easing into the message of the song, and opens with Amelia Lily sing-shouting "shut up and give me whatever you got" before the intro kicks in. The verses start and we hear Amelia singing about "waiting for a session" and "feeling pressure" Session. LOL. 

By the time the chorus gets going, it basically sounds exactly like something Girls Aloud would release as a second single.  Which is why it's not exactly surprising to hear that it was produced by Xenomania, who've produced every Girls Aloud single to date, as well as Amelia Lily's debut You Bring Me Joy. Well done Xenomania for making some brilliant songs as time has gone by.

Overall I like it. There are bits where she goes "oooooh" which are lovely, and you can't argue with a song called Shut Up (And Give Me Whatever You Got), can you? The only thing is, when she's really going for it Amelia Lily's voice isn't the MOST pleasant thing to listen to in the world. It's not the most unpleasant either, though, and the song is really very good. However, it's neither as good as Shut Up And Let Me Go by The Ting Tings nor Shut Up And Drive by Rihanna, which is a shame.

Listen to it for yourself here:

As a tribute to the fact that Amelia Lily is a North East lass herself, today's rating will be based on "Greggs sausage rolls". But how many "Greggs sausage rolls" out of 5 has Amelia managed to score?


 Ludacris - Rest Of My Life, feat. David Guetta and Usher
Released 2nd November.

We all know what David Guetta is capable of. He's capable of  Titanium, he's capable of When Love Takes Over and he's capable of Without You. And he's also capable for a myriad of dance tunes which  are all OK-at-best and all sound exactly the same. Question is: which one is his new Ludacris collaboration?

Well, to be honest, this is nothing we haven't heard from David Guetta a million times before. Usher sounds lovely on the track, but Ludacris's lyrics include "written on my tombstone will be women, weed and alcohol" and "I feel inner peace when I'm out of my mind", which pretty much sums the song up. It's pretty unoriginal, even by David Guetta's standards, and that's saying something.

Give it a spin yourself here:

How many sausage rolls has it earned, though..?

Daniel Bedingfield - Secret Fear
Available for free download now

I shit you not, everyone. Daniel "The Bedster" Bedingfield is back. It's been seven long years since his last proper single which featured the lyrical genius "Jesus, Jesus, never changes". He certainly does love the Lord. 

So, what can we expect from his comeback? More of the same, perhaps a nice ballad along the lines of If You're Not The One or the even more nauseating Never Gonna Leave Your Side?

Well as it turns out: no is the short answer to that.

In fact Secret Fear starts off as a dark, moody and actually a little bit creepy ode to not being able to get over a past love with hushed vocals and a guitar accompaniment. THEN THE CHORUS KICKS OFF AND IT ALL GOES OFF AND IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE EXCITING. As if all that wasn't enough, its accompanying music video features full-frontal nudity and graphic violence-- WHAT WOULD NATASHA SAY???

Seriously, though, I'd say this song was "surprisingly good" but actually it shouldn't be a surprise, some of Daniel Bedingfield's past songs are really good indeed. It's clear in the time he's been gone, he's done some "growing up" and clearly someone has driven him a little bit mental because he seems like a right old crazy bitch when you listen to him singing "I can't swim without your love, I can't eat without you baby". Bloody mentalist.

Check out the song for yourself, as well as his nob, in the video below:

A genuine extract from Daniel Bedingfield's Wikipedia page reads as follows:

These injuries required him to wear a head brace and took six months to heal. Daniel used the lyrics in his most famous song 'Gotta Get Thru This' as inspiration and did in fact 'get through it'.


You've seen his sausage, now see his sausage roll score (a tenuous link, I know, I do apologise):

That's it!

Tuesday, 30 October 2012


There is a uni deadline looming which of course means it's time for a new blog. Who's in the mood for some new music- eeeeeeh?

McFly - Love Is Easy
Released 11th November

McFly are one of those bands that generally get a lot of stick from critics. Yes, some of their music is so terrible it's unforgivable but for every ill-advised cover like Mr Brightside or flop like One For The Radio there's a fantastic ditty like All About You or a song so heartbreakingly beautiful that listening to it leaves one gasping for air like The Heart Never Lies.

Their new single is the lead track from their upcoming second greatest hits collection. Does the world actually need a new McFly single? No it honestly does not, but it's a lovely little song featuring a ukelele, and frankly anything with a ukelele in it gets my vote. It's unfortunate that in promo for their new venture the lads think it's OK to stick four identical suits on (it's not OK, lads, it's not OK) but if you can overlook this poor fashion choice, the song is very nice indeed. 

It also has a really nice opening bit where Tom goes "do do do do do, do do do do do do, do do do do do do" which might well be a reference to their debut single Five Colours In Her Hair but it also might not. The lyrics are really, really nice as well. They're about how happy one can feel when one is in love. 

It's not going to knock the planet of orbit, but frankly if the planet was knocked out of orbit we'd probably all spiral to our deaths so that's probably for the best isn't it?

You can listen to it for yourself through the medium of video right here:

Tomorrow, of course, is October 31st which means one thing and one thing only....


So, how many Willow Smiths out of 5 has the new McFly single earned..?

One Direction - Little Things
Released 12th November

I really did try not to pre-judge this song based on the fact it was written by Ed Sheeran who, in my humble opinion, is more toxic to pop music than Psy and Carley Ra"e Jepsen combined. But do you know what? Just looking at him frustrates me, and I fear this may have tainted my opinions on this new One Direction single.

This song is a bit of a weird one in that on one hand the One Direction "crew" are telling some girl that they're madly in love with her in the chorus, while the verses are essentially a list of everything that is wrong with the girl.

"You've never loved the crinkles by your eyes", they start before going on to mention how much the same girl doesn't like "her stomach or her thighs". It doesn't stop there, though, "The dimples in your back", the fact the lass has to "squeeze into her jeans" and even the fact she can't go to bed "without a cup of tea" all get a look in. It's a good job Ed Sheeran/One Direction love this lass so much, it sounds like no other fucker would.

Truthfully this song is not for me. It's shit, to be honest. And I'm not saying that in a "LOL ONE DIRECTION R SHITTTTT" way, I love One Thing and Live While We're Young is also worth a listen, and I'd certainly shag 80% of them, but this is just drivel. Honestly. If you don't believe me ASK THE DISHES. Nar man, cheeky Beauty and the Beast reference there.

Seriously though, if you don't believe me here is Littlest Things:

Christ on his throne.

Daley - Remember Me, feat. Jessie J
Released 2nd December

Unfortunately in this case the Daley in question is not the Olympic diver, "special friend" of Liam Payne and frequent staple in my sexual fantasies Tom Daley, but the curly-haired singer who has supported Emeli Sandé and Jessie J on their respective UK tours.

This single, a collaboration with wearer of coloured wigs and breaker of limbs Jessie J, is quite good. It's got a bit of a funky vibe to it, and actually puts me in mind of former Voice UK contestant Vince Kidd. Jessie J's screeching is kept to a minimum, which should keep critics happy, and the chorus is nice enough.

I will, however, probably never listen to this song ever again. It's nice but it's utterly forgettable. In fact, here is the video. Test yourself: listen to the song in full then count to 50 and see if you can sing it back to yourself. I bet you can't (sing it back to yourself, that is. I'm not doubting your ability to count to 50. YOU CLEVER THING YOU):


How many "Willow Smiths" has Remember Me racked up, though?


That's all.
Happy Halloween, folks!

Tuesday, 16 October 2012


I am cutting straight to the chase today because something amazing has happened. It's NMEeeeeeh. New music - eeeeeeh!

Girls Aloud - Something New
Released 19th October

Sound the alarm. This is not a drill. Girls Aloud are back.

I repeat. Girls. Aloud. Are. Back.

A few days earlier than initially intended the Girls Aloud comeback single has leaked online. It's called Something New. And it is fucking brilliant. I've so far only actually listened to the song twice (it's since been taken off YouTube) but what I can say is that it is exactly what a Girls Aloud comeback single should sound like. It's unmistakeably Girls Aloud, yet it doesn't sound like anything they've ever done before. The lyrics are empowering and make suggestions to taking back their spot at the top of the charts, without actually explicitly acknowledging the time they've been away. Frankly it's a right fucking racket but in the most glorious way possible.

I think @MrNickLevine said it best on Twitter when he said the song "really does give your ears a good, hard shagging", and that's all I can compare the song to. The first time I played it I was so excited I couldn't actually take in any of the details or the specifics of what I was listening to, all I could do was float along and enjoy it. When it was over I was left feeling exhausted, but with the distinct knowledge that what just happened was wonderful. If that's not comparable to a good shag, then I don't know what is.

I've had to link from Perez "Not The Devil Anymore But What A Tedious Individual" Hilton, so apols for that. THE GOOD NEWS IS HERE IS THE TRACK:

UPDATE: It's now on YouTube, which is good:


The question is: how many One True Voice members out of five has the song managed to score..?

Surprising to no one I'm sure.

Steps - Light Up The World
Released 22nd October

Speaking of long-awaited comeback singles from pop groups, the band who essentially provided the soundtrack to my childhood Steps are back with their first single in over a decade, the title track from their upcoming Christmas album Light Up The World.

Unfortunately, in my opinion, I'd say that if the Girls Aloud comeback was exactly what I was hoping for from the ladies, this is the total opposite of what I was hoping for from a Steps comeback. It's obvious what they've done, as time has moved them along they've decided they're not as young as they once were and would rather churn out an OK-at-best, mid-tempo track with nice harmonies and vague connotations to Christmas to prove their worth as vocalists rather than trying to re-hash their former dance-floor glory.

Thing is: Steps are more than capable of a decent ballad. Think back to past hits such as It's The Way You Make Me Feel, Heartbeat and even When I Said Goodbye, they're all fantastic songs. And this new one quite simply isn't. It's a total nothing. And given the rest of the album consists of covers, mostly of Christmas songs, I don't exactly have sky-high hopes for the future of Steps.

Mind you, you don't have to take my word for it. Get a listen to it yourself here:


I'd make a joke about it being such a "tragedy" if I wasn't so genuinely disheartened. Hopefully it'll grow on me. Perhaps I should remember that the last time Steps released a single I was only 11, and probably more easily impressed.

Where is it on the One True Voice scale, though?

Melanie C, featuring Emma Bunton - I Know Him So Well
Released 11th November

Before we go any further, let's forget completely about context. Forget about who's singing this song, or who's sung it in the past. Forget about the Spice Girls, and the constant reunion rumours that crop up whenever they're mentioned. Forget about Emma Bunton's lovely smile, her weird cover of Downtown where she kept alluding to her fanny in the video, and forget about how unpleasant Melanie C has become over time in her quest to be taken seriously as a musician.

The fact of the matter is: I Know Him So Well is a fucking tune, and if Jimmy Savile himself was revealed to have recorded a version of it dueting with Margaret Thatcher, I'd still be inclined to give it a listen, such is my deep love of the song (the definitive version for me is, if you're interested, the Steps version, but that is neither here nor there).

What's Melanie and Emma's version of it like, then?

Well it's alright. It's basically exactly what you'd expect Emma Bunton and Melanie C singing I Know Him So Well would sound like. It doesn't add anything to the original, but then why should it? And what was it going to add anyway? A dubstep breakdown? A guest rap from Nicki Minaj? A shocking extra verse where they reveal that in fact they don't know him very bloody well at all?

What really surprised me, listening to the song was Emma Bunton's vocal which, given that she's only the featured artist, is probably a bit of a kick in the tits for Melanie C: whose own "LOOK AT ME! I'M SINGING" vocals are actually quite grating by the end of it all.

Still. It's good. Annoyingly I can only embed a preview unless you wanna head over to Perez bloody Hilton's site over here. Your call:

Seriously, man, I Know Him So Well is a TUNE. Where does this version find itself on the One True Voice scale, though?

Not bad at all, ladies.

Shall we just have one more look at One True Voice before they're never mentioned by anyone ever again..?

How in the name of arse were these lads ever expected to beat Girls Aloud in the charts???

Well that's all for now.
It's my boyfriend's birthday today (for, like, a few more hours) so happy birthday pet.

Tuesday, 9 October 2012


You can tell I've got work due in for uni soon because I'm blogging semi-frequently as an avoidance mechanism. I'm churning blogs out like Rihanna singles. Luckily for me, people are chucking new songs out left right and centre, and here are some of them for you in an all-new NMEeeeeeh. It's new music - eeeeeeh!

Olly Murs - Troublemaker, feat. Flo Rida
Released 11th November

So let's be honest, when first one hears that Olly Murs has recorded a collaboration with Flo Rida, one would be forgiving for immediately dismissing their song and thinking to oneself "they clearly met at a re-union for bell-ends from both sides of the Atlantic". OBVIOUSLY I WOULD NEVER THINK SOMETHING SO CRUEL AND SCATHING. Never.

Troublemaker is pretty much a typical Olly Murs affair, but with so many music blogs calling Olly a twat around the clock, it's easy to forget that he is very much capable of putting out a decent song, and this is probably his best release to date.

"Why does it feel so good but hurt so bad?" Olly sings in the chorus. He isn't talking about sodomy, though, he's actually singing about a girl who causes trouble no matter what she does. Fancy that, in a song called Troublemaker.

Would you like to hear it for yourself..?

I think it's very good indeed. But the question is: how good on the "Cry-lan Clark" scale..?

Bruno Mars - Locked Out Of Heaven
Released 25th November

Good news for fans of calling people a "bell end" who you've never even met, it's not just Olly Murs who's released a new single- Bruno Mars has also unveiled his most recent release, the oddly-titled Locked Out Of Heaven

The weird thing is this song does start off sounding a bit like Olly Murs, and even more weirdly it goes on to sound a lot like The Police. And there's a bit in the verses where he keeps going "UNGH". Raunchy.

And raunchy it continues, as the song itself is about someone so good at shagging that Bruno says "your sex takes me to make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven".

I'm not being funny, but is it just me or is this song just Message In A Bottle by The Police, but updated for 2012 and with more allusions to someone shagging you good and proper..?

Where does it get to on the "Crylan Clark" scale, though, folks..?

Loreen - Crying Out Your Name
Out now

For those in need of a bit of context before you listen to this one, Scandanavian lovely and part-time Jade Ewen lookalike Loreen was the winner at this year's Eurovision song contest. WAAAAAIT DON'T GOOOOOO---- before you start having images of Scooch or Andy the Bin Man, Loreen was representing Sweden, the birth place of good pop music, which means that her music is actually worth listening to.

The followup to her winning song Euphoria is called Crying Out Your Name and continues in its predecessor's dark and moody club. However, unlike her previous single where she was singing about a euphoric feeling of "going up, up, up, up, up, up, uh-up", it seems like this time around Loreen is coming down, and feeling more than slightly mental about it all.

"I've emptied out the mini-bar", Loreen sings like a right mentalist in the opening line to the song before going on to say she's "about to go and key his car". SOUND THE CRAZY BITCH ALARM.

To get a listen to Loreen in all of her mental glory, then feast your ears on this...

Seriously, popstars just aren't called Loreen anymore, are they? It's like Mavis, a name which is unfortunately dying out. Imagine if one of Little Mix was called Mavis? UHHHHMAZING.

Where does Crying Out Your Name fall on the "Crylan Clark" scale, though..?

Seriously...shall we have one more little watch of Rylan Clark crying? Go on. Let's.

Monday, 8 October 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Eeeeeh do you know what it is? I started writing this ages ago and never finished it. So two of the stories in it are dead old. Apols. Frankly if you're using this blog to actually get news rather than for a cheap laugh then you wanna have a word with yourself anyway. It's brand new, it's a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. It's all kicking off on American Idol.

If you cast your mind back: the ol' story goes that when Mariah Carey heard that her old collaborator Nicki Minaj would be joining her on the American Idol judging panel she was so annoyed that she hung up the phone. Of course it was only a rumour, but then at that stage it was still only a rumour that Nicki would be a judge at all, and weeks later here she is.

The writing was pretty much on the wall then for a turbulent season of American Idol.

It didn't take long for things to kick off, as this video of Nicki ranting at Mariah in North Carolina made the rounds online, with Nicki saying she wasn't going to put up with "your fucking highness", referring to Mariah and her diva behaviour (stuck hilariously in the middle of them is Keith Urban who awkwardly sits there saying nothing while Nicki tears the proverbial strip off Mariah).

Watch Nicki's rant for yourself right here:

According to certain sources, Nicki then told Mariah she was going to "knock her out", but she vehemently denies this. It's not known exactly what set Nicki off on one, but rumours would suggest that Mariah called her a "bitch". WHICH IS NOT ON AT ALL, MARIAH, NOT COOL.

From there, Mariah called her friend Barbara Walters who then said on the following day's episode of The View: "She said that when Nicki walked off set multiple people heard her say 'If I had a gun I would shoot that bitch'".

You don't get that kind of inside scoop on Loose Women, do you?

From there Nicki reacted quite angrily (understandably) on her Twitter page, with the following tweet mocking Mariah:

More importantly she then took the opportunity to publicly deny what Mariah (and Barbara) were accusing her of:

And then to rub salt in the wounds, she suggested producers had compared her to the glory days of Simon Cowell on American Idol:

Apparently Mariah arrived at yesterday's round of auditions with increased security. Seems like this could all get worse before it gets better, but if it ends with one of Mariah's twins telling Nicki she's "the devil" I'll be a happy man...

2. Christina Aguilera reveals her new album cover.

A while ago I reviewed the new Christina Aguilera single Your Body. I said the song was "beneath" Christina, that she had "cheapened herself" and said she "came across as desperate". I have since did a total 180 on the song, and it is now one of my favourite songs of 2012. I'm sorry, Christina. I was wrong.

The good news is that Christina has unveiled the album artwork for her upcoming fifth release Lotus, which is exciting. The bad news is, it looks like this:


In an interview with Billboard magazine, X-Tina (who, I'm sure I've said before, should technically be called X-Ina HOW ANNOYING) said "[my new album] represents a celebration of the new me".

Meanwhile, when asked about her previous album Bionic which failed to set the charts alight and more or less made her a laughing stock for a brief period, Christina had some fairly amusing opinions to share.

When asked to explain why the album was met with such disdain, Christina said "I'm proud to say it was ahead of its time".

Ahead of its time??? UHMAZING. That's not all though.

"You had to be a real music lover, be a true fan of music to appreciate that album", she says. "The older that album gets the more people will come to appreciate it actually and check it out".

So that's the problem, people-- we just don't love music enough. It's not that people fund lyrics like "All the boys think its cake when they taste my *WOOHOO*, You don't even need a plate just your face" off-putting, we just weren't ready for an album so ahead of its time. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

3. Carolynne Poole gets everyone's back up with her shock elimination.

It's possible you'll have noticed there's been a noticeable lack of X Factor coverage on my blog this year. You might well be shocked to hear that I'm not watching The X Factor this year. And do you know why? Because The X Factor is shit. This series of The X Factor has, for me at least, undone the show's entire legacy.

I know it's never been "quality" viewing, but there's always been the idea that the show has a GLIMMER of authenticity underneath of all of the lights and the drama and the dresses and the tears. But do you know what? There's not this year. The entire thing is so scripted and farcical that I'm half-expecting one of the contestants to take off their wig and prosthetics and reveal themselves to be David Walliams.

However, one couldn't escape what happened on last night's show whether you watched the show or not, because it was one of those moments everyone was talking about, and no one was particularly happy.

You see on Saturday night reality TV veteran Carolynne Poole who has appeared on Fame Academy and two series of The X Factor (you can presumably look out for her on the upcoming series of The Voice where I'm sure that boring one off of The Script will be jizzing his pants over her) performed an eye-wateringly tedious rendition of Nicki Minaj's Starship so smug and cheesy that Nicki Minaj herself is believed to have reacted like this when she saw how her song had been performed:

To hear Carolynne's bewildering country rendition of Starships then give it a watch now:

Anyway, no one voted for it because it was rubbish so she ended up in the bottom two. People weren't happy about this, largely because she was up against Rylan Clark who it seems like no one likes, particularly Gary Barlow who is being his usual grumpy self and slagging Rylan off every chance he gets. Rylan did a club remix of Spandau Ballet's Gold last night which I actually really enjoyed, and which you can watch for yourself here:

So Rylan and Carolynne (whose name I suppose would be Carolylan if they were to be a celebrity couple, although the chances of that happening would be quite unlikely I would say) had their little sing-off, although during Carolynne's performance it was noticed that Louis Walsh was somewhat distracted and actually deep in conversation with one of the show's producers.

What then followed was Gary Barlow and Tulisa choosing to send Rylan home, surprisingly to no one whatsoever, while Nicole Scherzinger chose to stay loyal to the act she was mentoring and send Carolynne home. Rather than do the "right" thing and save a boring person over an interesting one, Louis then plumped to send Carolynne home which took everything to deadlock.


So anyway, to make a long story short, the public had voted more for Rylan than they had for Carolynne, and off home she went. And that was that.

EXCEPT THAT WASN'T THAT WAS IT? Because Louis Walsh seems to have opened Pandora's box and destroyed the universe by taking it to deadlock. The world has spun of its axes, people are walking around on their heads and horses are eating each other in the street. THE END OF DAYS IS UPON US PEOPLE.

I need to have a word with everyone who is now "boycotting" the X Factor thanks to Louis Walsh's heinous actions. First off, you're a liar. If the X Factor matters enough to you that you would stop watching it and need to call it a "boycott" rather than simply turning the telly off, then you are incapable of boycotting it.

Secondly, I covered this FOUR FRIGGING YEARS AGO on my old blog when people were complaining about Jedward being sent home instead of Lucie. I can't even remember what her surname was. It was either Edwards or Jones. Either way, she's so unimportant I can't even remember her frigging surname, and I'd feel exactly the same about Carolynne Poole if it weren't for the fact that she has some sort of addiction to being on reality TV, so there's no chance of forgetting her.

The fact of the matter is that Carolynne Poole was never going to win The X Factor in a million years against that lad with the nerves, One Direction Lite and Lucy Spraggan and her collection of songs  including "Yesterday morning I ate a boiled egg, And thought I had a pain in my lower right leg". So shall we all lighten up? It's the frigging X Factor, just fucking enjoy Rylan Clark while you can before Gary Barlow sucks all the joy out of the programme and leaves nothing behind but Must Be The Music.

Shall we have another watch of Rylan crying???


Right I'm done.