Monday, 10 February 2014

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

My blogs are like buses. You wait ages for one and then loads come at once. Except unlike a bus ride, you don't spend the entire duration of my blog with your finger hovering over the "9" on your mobile in case someone mugs you. Or maybe you do. I am pretty menacing. Here's a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup for you to peruse instead of doing whatever it is you should be doing. It's OK I won't tell anyone...

1. Miley Cyrus says her upcoming tour will be an "education" for teenagers.

Lock up your sledgehammers or she'll be gobbling on them like a Flip-Pop from the 90s (or like a man's cock), Miley Cyrus is hopping off the plane at your nearest airport with a dream and her cardigan, and putting on a show for us all!

Yes, that's right, the Bangerz tour is kicking off in a matter of days in Vancouver (incidentally Toronto mayor Rob Ford was in Vancouver just days before Miley, we hope he didn't smoke all the good weed before she got there NAR MAN I'M SURE HE DIDN'T HE IS AFTER ALL A RESPECTED POLITICIAN).

However while some conservative parents have decided they don't want their kids watching the artist formerly known as Hannah Montana leaping around the stage with her labia hanging out, Miley has defended her controversial stage performances, saying her tour will be an "education" for youth.

An "education" indeed...

So, yeah, Miley was speaking to reputed news source Fuse News - most famous for their coverage of Syria - and said: "Even though parents probably won't think this, I think my show is educational for kids. They're going to be exposed to art most people don't know about".

That all sounds very exciting, and if that wasn't enough Miley then teased her fans with a backstage picture of the "art" they can expect from the Bangerz tour...

Who knew Miley loved a jumbo hot-dog between her legs? And, yes, that is a sweatshirt with her own face on it that she's wearing. Amazing.

No matter how much of an education kids are getting on the Bangerz tour, the one thing they're not learning is how to correctly spell the word 'bangers'...

2. James Arthur goes off on one on Twitter (how completely out of character).

Remember when Nicole Scherzinger collaborator James Arthur gave up Twitter? That was a peaceful five minutes, wasn't it?

Alas, it wasn't long before the X Factor winner was back filling our timelines with his unique mix of hateful rants and cringe-inducing, self-indulgent bollocks. And now he's in trouble again, this time after an incident involving his PA and a girl with massive titties.

Screengrabs of messages that James had allegedly sent to glamour model Teddy Edwardes (who we can no doubt look forward to seeing in the Celebrity Big Brother house this summer) made their way onto Twitter, bearing the beautiful message: "I would like to fuck the living shit outta you". SO ROMANTIC, AND SO CLOSE TO VALENTINE'S DAY TOO. I'm getting misty-eyed (and misty elsewhere, too, that smooth-talking Romeo...).

When she spurned his advances, telling him "fucking randoms for a one night stand isn't really my thing", he hit back, saying "Babe. Don't flatter yourself alright. You're more random than I'll ever be. You're lucky I'm moving my thumbs for a random like you".

And it was the cringe felt around the world...

James has taken a leaf out of Shaggy's book and said "it wasn't me", claiming it was in fact his old PA that sent Teddy the embarrassing messages. However, when she posted the number on Twitter former X Factor contestant Lucy Spraggan - who, herself, has been involved in a very public argument with James after he posted a rap containing homophobic slurs online - stated that it was, in fact, his number and not his PA's.

Since then, James seems keen to take the attention back to his music, sharing titles of the song titles appearing on his forthcoming "mix tape". Because we all remember how well it went last time you put out a "mix tape", and called someone a "fucking queer" on it. People really seemed to love that, didn't they?

The question remains: exactly what will it take before Simon Cowell drops James Arthur for good? I feel like every ridiculous thing he does - the homophobic raps, the public arguments, the ridiculous self-indulgent Twitter posts - is like hanging another bag on fucking Buckaroo. What is it going to take..?

And if you thought James Arthur was behaving like a moron, just wait...

3. Shia LaBeouf doesn't want to be famous anymore, ends up being more famous than ever.

Here's a useful tip for journalists struggling to write Shia LaBeoufs name over and over again: all the vowels in his surname are in alphabetical order! Handy!

So, yes. Shia LaBoeuf is behaving like a real ass-hat at the moment. It all started when he premiered his "short film" Howard, but ended up in hot water when it emerged the whole bastard thing was plagiarised. It then transpired that basically everything he's ever directed has been stolen from someone else, leading him to post the following statement...

"In my excitement and naiveté as an amateur filmmaker, I got lost in the creative process and neglected to follow proper accreditation".

Erm...yeah! Woopsie!

Since that embarrassing faux pas, he's been behaving very erratically on Twitter, posting the message "I AM NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE" every day, reminding me slightly of this moment from The Office... if just saying the words enough will make it happen. No, no, Shia. That's not how it works.

He took things to the next level when promoting his new arty film (not quite as arty as the Bangerz tour, but it's up there) Nymphomaniac where Shia stars alongside Charlotte Gainsbourg, Jamie Bell and Uma Thurmann and they all get shagged every which way.

When quizzed about the film's sex scenes at a press conference in Berin, Shia said: "When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea. Thank you very much", before storming out to the bewildered applause of his co-stars and the journalists present. I like to think that before he left he played a few confusing notes on a fife and then jigged out of the room, but unfortunately this was presumably not the case.

That night Shia turned heads when he decided to show up on the red carpet sporting a brown paper bag over his head sporting the message: "I am not famous anymore".

Seriously, Shia. Someone needs to explain this to you. That is not how fame works. The more erratically you behave, the more attention you draw to yourself. And the more attention you get, the more famous you become. This is literally the first time the words "Shia LaBeouf" have ever appeared on this celebrity blog, which I have been writing for a few years now. Do you honestly think I ever sat through Transformers? Or The Even Stevens Movie? No. The only reason we're talking about you is because you're running around town like a bell end with a bag on your head telling everyone you're not famous anymore. Have a word.

Thankfully since then, Shia has decided to use his new-found paper bag fame to help spread awareness of important causes...

Well done, Shia.

That's it!
Laters! x

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

In the film of this story, I am played by 10 Things I Hate About You-era Joseph Gordon-Levitt-John-Jacob-Jingle-Jingleheimer-Schmidt or whatever his name is. I know I'm massively punching above my weight, but bare with me. My blog is played by Anne Hathaway, wearing Deirdre Barlow glasses and possibly a scoliosis brace to correct her unsightly hump. We're basically outcasts at high school, and we relate to each other. We "get" each other. We don't care that the other kids stuff me my locker, or throw "slurpies" in Anne Hathaway's face or whatever it is the kids on Glee do (I was in my high school choir and I suffered a lot worse than a "slurpie" in the face, but let's not turn this into a pity party).

Things are going great for me and Anne Hathaway, until the arrival of My Internship, played in this analogy by Chloe Bridges, best known for playing Donna LaDonna in The Carrie Diaries, though she was also the popular bitch in the extremely unpopular third film in the Legally Blonde trilogy, Legally Blondes, a film so terrible you'd have to be as off-your-box as Justin Bieber behind the wheel to enjoy it.

For some reason Chloe Bridges takes a shine to me even though I'm incredibly unpopular. Maybe she finds me "goofy" or "cute" or whatever it is Americans say, or maybe our mothers used to know each other before she moved to Connecticut (I have no idea who or what a Connecticut is). Everyone warns me that My Internship is a heartbreaker, that I shouldn't get too involved because she has had a carousel of men before her. But I don't listen. I fall for her hard, thinking I will be the one to change her. But I can't. And just when I was getting to fall in love with her, she tells me she wants to see other people.

And that's when Anne Hathaway takes off her glasses, and whips off her scoliosis brace. For the first time she's walking erect. And so am I. But will things between Anne and I ever be the same again? Let's find out, in a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Justin Bieber-Welsh bites a girl's tit.

A lot has happened to Justin Bieber-Welsh since I last did a blog, and unfortunately none of it involves a sleepover in Hebburn. Basically, his 2014 didn't really get off to a flying start - or perhaps you could say it did, depending on which way you look at it - as he was arrested for arranging a drag race in Miami while allegedly off his box on alcohol and cannabis.

Proving he was just as committed to paying his debt to society as he was to making decent music (ie. not at all), here is his mug shot:

Because if you've got enough money you can basically do whatever you want, he was bailed out a matter of hours later. Did he apologise to his fans for his blatant disregard for the law, and endangering his life and the lives of others? No, but he did upload an Instagram photo comparing his arrest for drink-driving to Michael Jackson's "not guilty" verdict for child molestation. Because those two things are definitely comparable.

So listen, we all know I love Justin Bieber, right? I think he's a beautiful man, and I just want him to be alright. I thought this arrest would be the end of his cunty behaviour. I genuinely thought this would be him learning his lesson. It turns out this is just the tip of the iceberg. The problem is that he's been arrested, and he's got away with it. And now I suspect he wants to see how much more he can get away with. And that is going to be a lot, because the people around him are not saying "no" to him. How do I know people aren't saying "no" to him. Well, watch his most recent music video... might notice something about Justin Bieber's face that shouldn't be there. I am, of course, talking about that stupid pubey non-moustache he insists on keeping on his face. I don't know if he thinks it makes him look edgy, or bad-ass or whatever. It does not. It makes him look like a 14-year-old whose mother won't let him start shaving yet unless he accidentally cuts himself.

The fact is this - wardrobe, makeup, hair people, the video's director, his friends: all of these people allowed Justin Bieber to keep that moustache, even though it makes him look like a massive, MASSIVE bell end. It is literally a case of the Emperor's New Clothes, which if nothing else at least means he might do some sort of naked YouTube broadcast where he thinks he's wearing magnificent robes while in actual fact his nob is hanging out. I'D BE SCREENSHOT-HAPPY THAT DAY I CAN TELL YOU.

It was in the news just today that the pilot of a private jet was forced to wear a gasmask while flying Biebs around this weekend because the smell of weed was so strong. Meanwhile he and his father reduced a flight attendant to tears after barraging her with verbal abuse, to the point she was forced to hide in the cockpit to avoid him. Justin Bieber. Cockpit. I'll let you write that one yourself.

Meanwhile, on Wednesday he turned himself over to officials after assaulting a limo driver. There is only one instance when abusing a limo driver is OK, and that is if the abuse is taking place in Madonna's Music video. Apparently, Justin asked the driver to turn up the radio (because, let's be honest, The Wheels On The Bus can only really be fully appreciated at full volume). He then stuck his hand through the partition (...yeah) to turn the nob (...yeah) himself, which eventually quickly escalated to him repeatedly smacking the driver in the head.

And as if all that wasn't enough, an obscene photo of Justin emerged this week. Because of its explicit nature, I've decided to obscure the offensive part of it with a picture of my favourite of Justin's tattoos:

Just in case the tattoo and nails weren't a giveaway, this woman is supposedly a stripper. NO JUDGMENT. If you'd like to have a look at the uncensored photo - you cheeky thing, you - then you can click here.


2. Britney Spears has a surprise guest at her Vegas show.

Fans of weave-flipping and unenthusiastic hip-shaking can't have failed to notice that Britney Spears is currently doing "her thing" in Las Vegas, performing her Piece Of Me residency show at the Planet Hollywood hotel. One show a week, because apparently stomping about and pretending to know the words to Gimme More seven years after its release more than that is asking too much of ol' Britney.

Plenty of celebrities have been pictured in the crowd at the show since it opened. Katy Perry was seen there with her gross rebound boyfriend John Mayer, and who could forget this amazing Instagram video of Miley Cyrus rocking out in the crowd to Till The World Ends..?

Britney set tongues wagging (and for once it wasn't just her own tongue, hanging loosely out of her head as she stared out of the window longing for a life away from show business) when she tweeted this earlier in the week:

Now my first thought upon seeing this was, "oh no she's talking to the birds again", but it turned out that GaGa was actually going to be in the audience of Britney's show, which to be honest I'm sure is a really good show. I'm sorry I'm so mean about Britney, everyone. I'm just jealous that I don't have my own Las Vegas residency. Yet. And it was really nice of GaGa to support Britney so publicly, she's said many times before what an admirer of Britney's she is. So yeah, that's nice.

After the show, the pair posed for a photo together which they then shared online. And, erm, they looked a bit "questionable" in it:

So...yeah. It's safe to say Britney's team have given up on trying to show her how to put a wig on, and figured the only way she'll learn is if she does it for herself. Even if that does mean letting her walk around backstage with her wig on back-to-front and inside-out. Meanwhile, GaGa presumably couldn't be bothered to wait around and meet Britney, so she sent Donatella Versace in her place. Britney, of course, was none the wiser, but only because in her mind everybody looks like Chester the Cheetah from the Cheetos adverts.

And they all lived happily ever after.


3. Miley Cyrus says porn ruins everything.

Miley Cyrus is the latest star to grace the cover of W magazine. I don't mind admitting to you that this is a magazine that I have never heard of, but it must be a big deal because everyone is talking about it. It says a lot about Miley Cyrus that the reason people are shocked by her photo on the cover of the magazine isn't because she's naked, but because she's wearing a wig:


The star also gave a very revealing interview with the magazine, which is good because really it's what's inside that counts, right? Yes. Yes it is.

First Miley shocked the world by telling that she "loves getting stoned". STOP THE PRESSES. She also discussed the end of her engagement to actor and proper fucking fittie Liam Hemsworth by curiously stating: "Men watch too much porn", going on to say that men believe that the types of women who exist in porn exist in real life. I know that Miley's main concern at all times is accurate and realistic portrayals of women in the media. Because you see women swinging naked from wrecking balls all the bastard time, don't you?

She continued by describing romantic comedies as "girl porn", and that women delude themselves into thinking that men in rom-coms exist in real life when in fact they don't. Miley, if your idea of "porn" is a box of Milk Tray and a screening of 27 Dresses, then I have some websites to pass on to you that will change your life...

Well that's enough of me being horrible about celebrities for one day

Sunday, 8 December 2013

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

So it's been a month and a day since the last time I posted a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup, and I must admit it has been a fairly eventful month indeed. At the last minute I applied to do an internship at my favourite entertainment website Digital Spy down in London, so I spent two weeks working there and writing for them, which was amazing. If you want to read some of the stuff I wrote then you click on these very words.

SO ANYWAY, while I was there I saw a tweet advertising for an intern at a different site, the companion website to Best magazine, which is where I'll be interning until Christmas covering huge stories such as this one, and not so huge stories such as this one. Still I am having a great time and learning and enjoying myself and meeting cool people, and actually living in London, hence why my blogging has taken something of a back seat.

But, because it's been a while since I was allowed to cover a celebrity story and actually use profanity, I have decided to return to my first love of blogging, for an all-new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Tom Daley is shagging a bloke.

"So I see Tom Daley has come out of the closet. LOL. I KNEW THAT ALREADY, TOM".


Aren't people just the worst sometimes?

So, anyway. Tom Daley posted a YouTube video on Monday morning where he revealed that he had been dating a guy "since the Spring", which I was very grateful for because Monday morning was when I started my newest internship and it gave me a very good conversation starter on my first day.

Let's re-watch the video now, and I'll tell you some of my favourite bits (I basically have the whole thing memorised now because I have taken to playing it right before I go to sleep but that is a whole other story that I will save for another time, or maybe never, probably never):

"Finishing my A Levels this's been hectic"
For the love of God, Tom. I'm sure you're a lovely lad but it's very hard to sustain an erection when you're reminding us of the fact that you only got your A Levels THIS YEAR. Fucking hell. Can we please just remember that when I got my A Levels I looked like this...

...and the worst of it is this is post-braces and therefore not even me at my ugliest during my adolescence. In fact, this photo represents the light at the end of the tunnel. Anyway, Tom Daley I was not.

"You're probably thinking 'why did you do a book' and 'why did you do a documentary'?"
Literally nobody is thinking those things, Tom. For one thing, nobody knows those things existed. I have spent more hours than I would possibly care to even consider scouring the Internet looking at photos of Tom Daley, and even I had no idea that a documentary existed. What we are wondering is "why did you do Splash", a TV show so awful that even the presence of Anthony "I've Got A Sensitive Marff Alright" Ogogo in a pair of Speedos couldn't save it from its own horrendousness.

"In an ideal world I wouldn't be doing this video"
It's true, Tom. But in an ideal world you and I would be making a very different kind of video together. But no. We are not.

"I met someone and it made me feel so happy, so safe and everything just feels great"
Seriously people you can be as cynical as you like but a 19-year-old lad going on YouTube and saying his relationship makes him feel "safe" is really nice. I hope one day somebody loves me enough to go on YouTube and say I make them feel safe, rather than posting a Vine video of themselves talking about how terrified I make them :((((

"And that a guy"
*monocle falls into Martini*

"It was always at the back of my head that something like that could happen"
At this point in the video I lose interest because Tom Daley moves his hand towards his face and shows off this...

....the ugliest ring I think I have ever seen in my life. We get it, Tom. You were in the Olympics. We saw you do it, there are videos everywhere, you don't need to remind us by wearing a ring of the Olympic bastard rings. Which he also has a fucking ugly TATTOO of. I mean when I was 8 years old I won the Beaver of the Year award at my Beaver scout troop, but you don't see me getting the fleur de lis tattooed on my arm (although actually my ex-boyfriend has the fleur de lis tatooed on his arm, so I suppose if I got that done now it might look a bit mental).

"Of course I still fancy girls"
Oh of course, Tom! And we're sure they fancy you too, especially after this video where you boastfully tell us all about how there's someone hanging out the back of you on a regular basis these days.

He then goes on to chat on about Rio 2016 and how his family have stood by him and it's all very lovely. Well done Tom Daley. Of course, the question on everyone's lips was "who is the chap putting such a spring in Tom Daley's step?" (because he's so happy. I don't mean from all the sodomy). And, well I don't want to brag or anything but it's m--

...OH RIGHT. No. Of course it's not me. According to The Sun, and Tom Daley is yet to actually deny this, it's Dustin Lance Black (otherwise known as Dustin Lance Bass). Dustin Lance Bass, for those who don't know, is the 39-year-old scriptwriter of such gay classics as Pedro (the film adaptation the Garden Gang story Pedro Pepper and the Cherry Twins) and Milk (the story of a lonely milkman who eventually starts a passionate love affair with an ice cream man). 

He was also caught in a scandal a few years ago when photos of him circulated online having unprotected anal sex with another man, when he's one of them "YOU THERE, PUT A CONDOM IN THE END OF YOUR PENIS BEFORE YOU PUT IT IN THAT MAN'S BOTTOM" types.

All joking aside, one of the most important sportsmen in Britain today has come out at the age of 19 and that is absolutely astounding to me. Without necessarily even meaning to, he has made a difference, so congratulations Tom but SERIOUSLY-- I have barely been single for five minutes and Tom Daley is now seeing somebody. We're like ships in the bastard night...

2. Britney is going to have to do some very quick back-pedalling.

Britney Spears has a new album out, everyone. It's called Britney Jean and it is very underwhelming. It isn't bad or anything, but doesn't really sound like anybody on it was actually bothered about making it. Nobody was putting their all into Britney Jean., of course, has his own music career to worry about. Sia is busy running all over town writing songs for Rihanna and David Guetta and Beyoncé and every Tom, Dick and Harry she encounters in the street. And Britney has that spot on the wall she likes to stare at while she waits for the sweet release of death, which I imagine is rather time-consuming.


So anyway, obviously it was starting to become apparent to Team Britney that no one was aware that she had an album out because, safe for that one Alan Carr where she stumbled round the studio with a whip and "hilariously" told people to "work bitch", she hasn't done a single scrap of promotion for this record. I mean I know she's busy planning her Vegas show (because God knows Britney is one of the most hands-on popstars in the industry at the moment) and occasionally patting her sons on the head, but she could have made the effort to perform Work Bitch live on at least one occasion, you know what I mean? So when Team Britney realised they needed some quick-fire promotion "on the double" they threw together a web chat where people can ask Britney "Chatterbox" Spears for her opinion on various things.

The only interesting bit was when she revealed that if she could collaborate with one popstar (having released music with pop princesses Miley Cyrus and Jamie Lynn Spears already in 2013), she would choose Lady GaGa because she's "different and interesting" and "intricate". Not sure that's quite how one uses the word "intricate" but who am I to cross Britney "You wanna Maserati" Spears?

Clearly GaGa, the queen of mis-using words in an attempt to appear intelligent and articulate, was impressed because shortly after the web chat, she tweeted this:

You can practically hear Britney at home muttering "oh fuck" to herself, can't you? "WHAT HAVE I DONE? THIS IS GOING TO SERIOUSLY EAT INTO THE TIME I LIKE TO USE ON MY VANILLA CANDLE SHOPPING AND BABYSITTING MY CHILDREN".

Incidentally, "Britney Jean" entered the UK charts at 34. Entries higher than that this week include Rebecca Ferguson's sophomore album, which came in at number 6, as well as the latest albums from Boyzone, James Blunt, Cliff Richard and not one but two albums from Rod Stewart.


3. This year's biggest Christmas hit has arrived.

It's the time of year again when we have low-quality Christmas music rammed down our throats as a way of reminding ourselves a whole 12 months have gone by since last Christmas and you've achieved nothing with your life, so why don't you just lie down in the middle of the street and sob your heart out, while Paul McCartney declares that we're "simply having a wonderful Christmas time". Except it isn't Paul McCartney because whatever shitty shop you're in doesn't have the licence to play the original version, so you're listening to some session singer's version of it instead. HO HO HO.

This year's biggest Christmas offering doesn't come from Kelly Clarkson, who has had sex and got pregnant because of it, or Leona Lewis, who one time got punched in the face, but from the cast of ITV2's The Big Reunion. Because just when you thought that shower of cunts couldn't get any more depressing, they've decided to churn out a Christmas record. For charity, of course, so none of them are actually getting paid for it, they're just happy to be on TV. The irony is, the song they've picked is I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday yet half of them look so pained to be there it looks like Christmas coming once a year is still too much for them, let alone making it a 24/7 experience.

Watch the video for yourself here, and then I'm going to say some things about it:

It kicks off with Atomic Kitten. Kerry, unlike her pregnancy buddy Kelly Clarkson, declared bankruptcy earlier this year, so the song's barely started and you're already depressed thinking about what load of shite her five hundred children will be opening on Christmas. A Sindy doll perhaps? Or an XBox game in an envelope with "Grand Theft Orto" written on in Sharpie. Meanwhile Natasha is swishing herself this way and that in an attempt to make it look like she's enjoying herself, but unfortunately falling flat on her face, which isn't too bad because her comically inflated lips will make a nice soft landing for her.

Liberty X do an unremarkable verse and then comes this sight...

...Kerry Katona dressed up as Santa Claus. Just what every kid needs, you're trying to tell Santa about the new train set you want for Christmas but he won't shut the fuck up about how going to the bank and "filling in loads of forms" is less desirable than selling your soul to Cash Lady.

There's then a completely disheartening group shot for the chorus when all the Big Reunion groups perform together and try and make it look like they're enjoying each other's company when in fact they're all just trying to outdo each other on the "jolly" front and get as much screen-time as possible for their group. There's a lot of "opening my mouth very wide" and "jazz-hands" so people can see just how much this bunch of bell ends really do want it to be Christmas every day. It's like somebody's cloned Same Difference and let them loose with a bag of coke and a festive backing track.

Next to do a solo is 5ive, who there are now only four of, so they should technically be called 5our. While Atomic Kitten were trying too hard to show quite how much fun they were having, 5our are at the other end of the spectrum, tackling I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday with all the seriousness they would if this were actually their tribute song to Nelson Mandela. You almost take them seriously, but unfortunately it's interspersed with shots of them ballroom dancing with pensioners at what looks like Blackpool Tower. Ouch.

And then it's Blue's turn. I fancy all of Blue. Every single one of them. Antony is my favourite. Then Simon. Then Lee. Duncan is a bit of a guilty pleasure, but I still definitely would. They're back to the LOOK AT US HAVING FUN AND CLOWNING ABOUT attitude, and Lee Ryan pulls this face:

Such larks, eh?


Yes. He. Does.

Sensationally, to add to the authenticity of this awe-inspiring video, he has chosen to read the rap off his phone. And let's just say this rap rhymes "festive fun" with "love and joy for everyone".



Well that was quite a horrible blog wasn't it? SORRY CELEBRITIES. I LOVE YOU REALLY
If this bile-infused blog has left a bad taste in your mouth, why not check out this article I wrote for Best about a squirrel? I promise it will make you feel better in no time.

Thursday, 7 November 2013

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I'm not above shameless self-promotion, no I'm not. So before you enjoy this Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup, why not head over to WhatCulture! and check out my review of Lady GaGa's latest album, which I believe is called ARTPOP but to be honest there hasn't been much tweeting about it so I might be wrong. I'm doing my best but trying to be funny and entertaining without swearing is difficult for me. 

Also, while we're at it, don't forget that every Sunday I host a radio show for the North East's Pride Radio which I am very pleased to be a part of. If you're free on Sundays it's from 2pm-4pm. Put it in your diary. 

And now that I'm done wanking myself off, I'll give you the blog that you came here for in the first place...

1. Justin Bieber blames it on Rio...

How bastard long has my imaginary boyfriend Justin Bieber been on tour for? I feel like every time I log onto a celebrity news site (or, let's be honest, Famous Males Forums) there's a picture of him with his top off onstage in a different major city (not that I'm complaining, obviously, it's just unfortunate that the "revision" folder on my external hard-drive is starting to get very full indeed).

Well in the spirit of perpetually being on tour, Justin Bieber has arrived in Brazil and things aren't going swimmingly, as is the case with a horny 19-year-old so perpetually stoned his next tattoo is going to be the Taco Bell logo (allegedly). The first sign of things not exactly going in Bieber's favour came when this photograph was taken of him leaving what is believed to be a Brazilian brothel...

Subtle, guys. I don't know if they confused this giant fucking sheet for Harry Potter's invisibility cloak but just because you can't see his face doesn't mean we don't know it's Justin fucking Bieber coming out of a brothel (just in case you're wondering, I told him before he left that whatever happens on tour stays on tour so this didn't upset me at all. Unless when he gets back to Hebburn he brings a Brazilian STD with him that is). 

The sensible thing to do would have been for him to strut out and actually speak to the photographers and say "what? That's not a brothel, I was just buying some weed in there" or SOMETHING instead of sneaking out in a sheet that half of Brazil have probably spunked up on. 

The fun didn't stop there, though. Check out this video which was put uploaded earlier today and filmed by a Brazilian woman...

OK, so first of all who knew there was only one "l" in "Brazilian". Wouldn't you think there'd be two? Nope. Only one.

Secondly, who the fuck is this bitch thinking she can just video MY imaginary boyfriend and then blow MY imaginary boyfriend a kiss while he's asleep, probably dreaming of smoking a big joint and then eating some KFC me.

Initial reports suggested the mystery girl filming Bieber was one of the prostitutes he enjoyed the company of while not delighting the people of Brazil with his awe-inspiring music, though Bieber's camp have since denied that. According to Team Bieber, Justin threw a party which was attended by a whole bunch of people at the place where he was staying in Brazil, and while he was passed out one of the guests crept in and took this video. 

If that's true, what a creepy bitch. As God is my witness this lass wants to stay out of my way if she thinks she can just sneak in on MY sleeping angel and video him without any consequences. Bitch, I got my eye on you. I'd stay out of Hebburn if I were you...

2. Paul Gascoigne has a new way of trying to keep sober.

Now yous all know I'm from the North East of England, so Paul Gascoigne is as important to my local culture as Greggs pasties, trousers with slashes up the side of them or the JobCentre, so I'm not here to be a "hater" about a local legend.

The problem is that Paul Gascoigne just keeps being unintentionally hilarious. Now I totally understand that the road to sobriety is a difficult and long one, and I have the upmost respect for Gazza as he tries to turn his life around. But during the recent documentary Being Paul Gascoigne he recited a poem that he had written. It started off fairly emotive but it quickly descended into...

Sen. Actually. Sational. (he then goes on to rhyme "rehab" with "not all that fab").

So anyway, I'm pleased to report that Gazza is managing to stay sober, thanks in part to his new-found hobbies of playing the guitar and the harmonica. He's also taken to going to tattoo studios and getting new body art when he feels like hitting the bottle. Apparently the tattoo artists where he lives in Bournemouth are so determined to keep him off the drink that they're letting him have tattoos for free, which led to this amazing photograph...

That, my friends, is Paul Gascoigne playing Hit The Road Jack on the harmonica while a man tattoos his ex-wife's name onto his arm.


3. What the fuck is going on with James Arthur?

During last year's X Factor finale, all of the acts who'd got through to live shows (except Christopher Maloney who'd called someone a cunt the day before or something) performed a rendition of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, while finalists James Arthur and Jahmene Douglas showed up for the last chorus. When James Arthur came onstage, with a miserable bracket usually reserved for performances of Candle In The Wind rather than a child-friendly Christmas song about how excited you are for Santa showing up, it was obvious that when he won this competition he was not going lie back and do whatever Simon Cowell told him to do.

The thing with James Arthur is that he has a tendency to shoot his mouth off on Twitter which, when your album isn't even out yet, probably isn't any way to go on. If you'd like an example, here is a tweet that James sent out earlier today...

"Bring on the hate I don't wanna be popular". Let's not forget that this is coming from a man who auditioned for The Voice and The X Factor IN THE SAME YEAR, and his audition piece was a song by Tulisa accompanied by a pretty weak sob story.

In comparison, here's a tweet that James sent out not 24 hours before that one...

For those who aren't following that's "thanks for buying my music" followed by "bring on the hate I don't wanna be popular" within 24 hours of each other. All this from a man currently flogging a single called You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You.


Aaaaaaaand that's it.

Monday, 4 November 2013

NMEeeeeeh: Britney Spears, Adam Lambert and Dami Im.

This blog contains not one, not two but THREE really good songs. If you don't believe me then keep on reading and, when prompted, press "play" on the aforementioned songs. It's an all new NMEeeeeeh...!

Britney Spears - Perfume
Available 2nd December as part of Britney's forthcoming eighth album

Starbucks supporter and MENSA member Britney Spears is making another comeback, everyone. And this time she's taking it seriously. I know she said that last time. No, I know, and the time before that. But this time she really, really means it. Right? While the lead single from her upcoming album Work Bitch was finally released in the UK today (a good 6 weeks after the rest of the world, I might add...), she's decided to chuck the second single from the album online too. And what has she decided to call the album, again..?

"Britney Jean". SEN. SATIONAL.

Yesterday Britney tweeted her fans to let them know that if they added her on Snapchat then she'd send them teasers of her upcoming single Perfume. Twitter then exploded with jokes about Britney opening up Snapchat to find thousands of photos of men's erections, but if we're being honest that's ridiculous because the only people who listen to Britney's music are gay men and women, and straight men haven't lusted after Britney since Toxic, let's be real.

After teasing the lyrics to Perfume over Snapchat and it having been described in interviews as "relatable to everyone", "effortlessly iconic" and "sung beautifully", the stakes were pretty high for the song before it was put online earlier this evening.

But now that it's out there...was the hype worth it?

Short answer: yes. It's a very good song.

Long answer: This song has been a long time coming, here in the UK the last time Britney released a ballad as a single was Everytime back in 2004. After Work Bitch, which wasn't so much "balls out" as "entire cock and balls out, bouncing around all over the shop and smacking you occasionally in the face", it's nice to hear such a completely different side to Britney, and as a Britney fan I'm pleased to say I think this is much more representative of the music she'd prefer to be making as a mother-of-two, and this is really apparent in the delivery of her vocals for the song- a far cry from the "phoned in" approach many critics have accused her of taking with some of her more recent outputs.

And let's talk about those vocals- because she is sounding great. You can say what you want about Britney, but you've got to admit that this time around Britney is delivering vocally. Is this on par with Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You"? No, of course it isn't. Idiot. But she still sounds excellent, and when you're listening to Britney on Perfume you really believe what she's singing about.

A scenario that bizarrely specific is very hard to sing about convincingly (could you imagine if this was Lady GaGa's song-- "well....this song speaks metaphorically about the burden each of us carry and the perfume represents suffering because this isn't just a song IT'S ART"), but Britney pulls it off and she conveys the paranoia and desperation and insecurity the song talks about perfectly. "I hide it well, hope you can tell but I hope she smells my perfume", Britney sings on the post-chorus, and my heart breaks a tiny bit.

There are several Britney fans on Twitter who are acting as if this song is a gift from the Gods and this song will change everything and from this point on Britney is back to Onyx Hotel perfection. It's not, and she isn't. Meanwhile, there are still those who want Britney to flop like a sack of shite who are talking as if this song stinks like a box of dead turtles and her career is over. It doesn't, and it isn't. What everyone needs to do is relax. Take a step back. Inhale. And smell her perfume...

In preparation for the weak (and I mean WEAK) product placement that is inevitably coming with the video for Perfume, let's see how many Britney fragrances out of five she's managed to score with her most recent output...

Adam Lambert - Marry The Night
Release TBA

I don't want to get sued for libel or anything...but I think that above picture of Adam Lambert might be airbrushed.

So it seems like Adam Lambert is going to be appearing in the new series of Glee, making his debut alongside Demi Lovato (who, lest we forget, once punched a girl in the face) in the episode "A Katy or a GaGa" which sounds to me like it might feature the cast singing songs originally performed by Katy Perry or perhaps by Lady GaGa. These suspicions were confirmed earlier this week when Glee posted the first of Adam Lambert's performances from the show online, which is a cover of the Lady GaGa song Marry The Night. 

Now I'll be the first to say that I do not watch Glee. I think it is terrible. I once went out with a guy who couldn't sleep unless the TV was on, and he used to have a Glee boxset on all night long and at various points I would wake up to Lea Michele screeching or Jane Lynch shouting at a lass in a cheerleading outfit, which might have something to do with my aversion to it. Mostly though I don't agree with the message of the show, that you can be in your school's choir and still be "cool". Because I was in my actual school choir, and I was the biggest loser going. Trust me.

Because of this, I very rarely listen when Glee post previews of the songs that will be featured in upcoming episodes (it might surprise you to hear I haven't even seen the episode The Power of Madonna, even though it heavily features my idol Madonna, the woman who, if asked by her to do so, I would off one of my fingers for without even questioning why she would want me to do such a thing). That said, when I saw that Adam Lambert had covered Marry The Night, I was curious to see if he could pull it off.

It turns out he really, really could.

The production of the song is much the same as Lady GaGa's original version of it, so there's no surprises there. Where Adam really shines is vocally- his delivery of the song sounds phenomenal but it also sounds absolutely effortless. On the rare moments where he ad libs it doesn't sound at all forced, and honestly if it weren't for the fact he's performing it on Glee, and of course the fact everyone already knows the song, you would think that Marry The Night was written for Adam himself.

Check out Adam's very impressive interpretation of Marry The Night below...

And now check out exactly how many bottles of Britney Spears perfume it's worth down Savers...

Dami Im - Alive
Release TBA

There are a lot of reasons to love Australia. Koala bears. The Sydney opera house. The way their toilet water goes round a different way to ours. But, more importantly, they've given the world some great music over the years. I'm talking Kylie Minogue. I'm talking Darren Hayes. I'm even talking a cheeky bit of Holly Valance. And one thing they also know how to do right is a talent show's winner single.

Here in the UK we have had some really shit "winner's single"s rush-released after The X Factor has finished. The fourth series of Australia's version of The X Factor was won by a young woman called Samantha Jade. Her "winner's single" was called What You've Done To Me and it was a camp, electropop, stomper. Seriously, check this out...

And then listen to Leon Jackson's When You Believe...

How shameful for our whole nation.

A year later, and Samantha Jade's successor to the X Factor Australia crown has been announced, and this year's series was won by Dami Im, who recently previewed her winner's single, which is called Alive. Even the name "Alive" suggests something more upbeat than whatever it was they had Matt Cardle chuck out all those years ago.

Within seconds of hitting pressing play on Alive it sounds uplifting in the vein of something Kelly Clarkson or Katy Perry might come out with. "I'm coming out of the shadows", sings Dami Im in the promising opening lines, "I'm shooting straight like an arrow". And the uplifting clichés just keep on coming until the fantastic chorus kicks in with inspiring lines like, "life ain't nothing but a crazy dance, learn the moves 'cos you're alive".

Frankly Dami Im's voice is gorgeous, and this song is just so wonderful and empowering that it makes Katy Perry's Roar sound like something Christina Perri might shit out. Please, please, listen to Alive here...

Absolute pop perfection. TOP MARKS...

Aaaaaaand that's it.

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

NMEeeeeeh: Eminem, Aiden Grimshaw and Avril Lavigne.

Would you like to hear some music? Would you like to read my opinions on said music? Would you like a speedboat? Well only two of those three things will come true if you read this blog (you'll have to wait till the end to find out which, though), I THINK it's time for an all new NMEeeeeeh...

Eminem - The Monster, feat. Rihanna
Available now

Right in time for Halloween, Eminem has unveiled The Monster, his third collaboration with Rihanna after Love The Way You Lie (parts 1&2). When these two get together it's usually a great success, so my expectations were pretty high before I listened to this, although at the same time the tracks Eminem has released so far from his upcoming album The Marshall Mathers LP 2 have seen him referring to people as "faggots" like he has been throughout his entire career. And what do we do when straight men call people "faggots"? WE OGLE THEM WITH THEIR TOPS OFF, OF COURSE!!




Now the objectification of the straight man is out of the way, I can get on with listening to his new song, which features Rihanna who the last time we saw her was teaching Miley Cyrus a thing or two about twerking in her Pour It Up video. Wow.

The Monster opens with Rihanna belting, which is always a promising way to begin. "I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed", she sings, which sets the tone for the rest of the song. Eminem's rapping is quick-fire and erratic in the style that he's become well-known for, and he quickly switches between voices and changes the mood, one minute he's talking seriously and the next he's putting on voices and howling like a wolf.

It might not surprise you to hear this, particularly given my opening description of Eminem mentioned nothing of his back catalogue but did contain three shirtless pictures of him, but I don't listen to a lot of rap music and consequently don't know an awful lot about it. What I do know, however, is that this is a really great song and once again Rihanna and Eminem have made fantastic music together, which I urge you to check out for yourself by listening below...

While this time around it's Rihanna he's collaborating with, let's reflect on Eminem collaborations gone by as we ask-- how many Didos out of 5 does The Monster get..?

Aiden Grimshaw - Satisfy Me
Released 26th November

Those of you with a good memory will recall plucky young Aiden Grimshaw from the seventh series (otherwise known as THE BEST SERIES) of The X Factor we he performed Mad World in what appeared to be a straitjacket and did a weird version of Thriller for Halloween week with a lot of eye-liner on. He got booted out far too early (that week he was up against national treasure Katie Waissel , so you can see why he wasn't spared) and went on to release an album, which was accompanied by the single Is This Love which I still listen to from time to time, because it is canny good.

Well Aiden Grimshaw has undergone a bit of a re-brand and is now known as just Aiden, a move which I think is stupid and thus will be ignoring. He's also ditched his famed quiff hairstyle and in his new promo photo is shirtless with a snake around his neck. He's done that really annoying thing gay men do on Instagram where they post a shirtless photo from the neck upwards, which is usually accompanied by a caption like "new haircut" or "off to bed, sleeeeepy time" when in fact the caption might as well say "WELL LOOK AT YOU THINKING ABOUT ME SHIRTLESS, BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT I HAVEN'T EVEN SHOWN YOU ANY NIP ITS ALL YOUR DOING". God, gay men are the worst.

Getting back to the artist formerly known as Aiden Grimshaw, considering he appears to have undergone a more "serious" re-brand his new track Satisfy Me is actually surprisingly pop, and was co-written with Dimitri Tikovoi who has worked with Sophie Ellis-Bextor and NICOLA ROBERTS. The bridge to the song is spoken, which I'm not a massive fan of, but the chorus is catchy and the production is excellent.

Have a listen to Satisfy Me yourself here BUT BE WARNED THERE IS A SWEAR WORD IN IT:

Not bad at all. I'm just very confused by the re-brand. Dido?

Avril Lavigne - Bad Girl, feat. Marilyn Manson
Released 4th November, as part of Avril Lavigne's self-titled new album

In recent years Marilyn Manson has collaborated with Lady GaGa and been the soundtrack to a Britney Spears tour interlude, so it was only a matter of time before he fell into the clutches of Avril Lavigne. The two have formed an unlikely alliance, and recorded the song Bad Girl together which made its online debut yesterday and features on Avril's upcoming album the imaginatively titled Avril Lavigne (but still, at least it's not a worse name than Goodbye Lullaby, blech!).

Bad Girl opens with Marilyn Manson muttering "just lay your head in daddy's lap, you're a bad girl" which in itself is terrifying and makes me not want to listen to the rest of the song. The guitar riff kicks in and sounds decidedly more heavy metal than anything we've heard from Avril in a very long time, and the lyrics are undoubtedly the most sexual she's ever made, "you know that I'm a little tease, tease", she sings. The chorus features the concerning line "choke me because I said so", while Manson's contribution to the song is reduced to a few shouts and screams here and there.

Basically, the song is a total racket and the lyrics are embarrassing. It's probably worth listening to once or twice if you're a fan of Avril Lavigne, or Marilyn Manson for that matter, but it's nowhere near her best work. Still here it is if you want to judge for yourself...

However, I'm not rating the song very highly at all, if I'm honest...

Aaaaaaaand that's all.

Previous NMEeeeeh blogs