Thursday, 7 November 2013

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I'm not above shameless self-promotion, no I'm not. So before you enjoy this Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup, why not head over to WhatCulture! and check out my review of Lady GaGa's latest album, which I believe is called ARTPOP but to be honest there hasn't been much tweeting about it so I might be wrong. I'm doing my best but trying to be funny and entertaining without swearing is difficult for me. 

Also, while we're at it, don't forget that every Sunday I host a radio show for the North East's Pride Radio which I am very pleased to be a part of. If you're free on Sundays it's from 2pm-4pm. Put it in your diary. 

And now that I'm done wanking myself off, I'll give you the blog that you came here for in the first place...

1. Justin Bieber blames it on Rio...

How bastard long has my imaginary boyfriend Justin Bieber been on tour for? I feel like every time I log onto a celebrity news site (or, let's be honest, Famous Males Forums) there's a picture of him with his top off onstage in a different major city (not that I'm complaining, obviously, it's just unfortunate that the "revision" folder on my external hard-drive is starting to get very full indeed).

Well in the spirit of perpetually being on tour, Justin Bieber has arrived in Brazil and things aren't going swimmingly, as is the case with a horny 19-year-old so perpetually stoned his next tattoo is going to be the Taco Bell logo (allegedly). The first sign of things not exactly going in Bieber's favour came when this photograph was taken of him leaving what is believed to be a Brazilian brothel...

Subtle, guys. I don't know if they confused this giant fucking sheet for Harry Potter's invisibility cloak but just because you can't see his face doesn't mean we don't know it's Justin fucking Bieber coming out of a brothel (just in case you're wondering, I told him before he left that whatever happens on tour stays on tour so this didn't upset me at all. Unless when he gets back to Hebburn he brings a Brazilian STD with him that is). 

The sensible thing to do would have been for him to strut out and actually speak to the photographers and say "what? That's not a brothel, I was just buying some weed in there" or SOMETHING instead of sneaking out in a sheet that half of Brazil have probably spunked up on. 

The fun didn't stop there, though. Check out this video which was put uploaded earlier today and filmed by a Brazilian woman...

OK, so first of all who knew there was only one "l" in "Brazilian". Wouldn't you think there'd be two? Nope. Only one.

Secondly, who the fuck is this bitch thinking she can just video MY imaginary boyfriend and then blow MY imaginary boyfriend a kiss while he's asleep, probably dreaming of smoking a big joint and then eating some KFC me.

Initial reports suggested the mystery girl filming Bieber was one of the prostitutes he enjoyed the company of while not delighting the people of Brazil with his awe-inspiring music, though Bieber's camp have since denied that. According to Team Bieber, Justin threw a party which was attended by a whole bunch of people at the place where he was staying in Brazil, and while he was passed out one of the guests crept in and took this video. 

If that's true, what a creepy bitch. As God is my witness this lass wants to stay out of my way if she thinks she can just sneak in on MY sleeping angel and video him without any consequences. Bitch, I got my eye on you. I'd stay out of Hebburn if I were you...

2. Paul Gascoigne has a new way of trying to keep sober.

Now yous all know I'm from the North East of England, so Paul Gascoigne is as important to my local culture as Greggs pasties, trousers with slashes up the side of them or the JobCentre, so I'm not here to be a "hater" about a local legend.

The problem is that Paul Gascoigne just keeps being unintentionally hilarious. Now I totally understand that the road to sobriety is a difficult and long one, and I have the upmost respect for Gazza as he tries to turn his life around. But during the recent documentary Being Paul Gascoigne he recited a poem that he had written. It started off fairly emotive but it quickly descended into...

Sen. Actually. Sational. (he then goes on to rhyme "rehab" with "not all that fab").

So anyway, I'm pleased to report that Gazza is managing to stay sober, thanks in part to his new-found hobbies of playing the guitar and the harmonica. He's also taken to going to tattoo studios and getting new body art when he feels like hitting the bottle. Apparently the tattoo artists where he lives in Bournemouth are so determined to keep him off the drink that they're letting him have tattoos for free, which led to this amazing photograph...

That, my friends, is Paul Gascoigne playing Hit The Road Jack on the harmonica while a man tattoos his ex-wife's name onto his arm.


3. What the fuck is going on with James Arthur?

During last year's X Factor finale, all of the acts who'd got through to live shows (except Christopher Maloney who'd called someone a cunt the day before or something) performed a rendition of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, while finalists James Arthur and Jahmene Douglas showed up for the last chorus. When James Arthur came onstage, with a miserable bracket usually reserved for performances of Candle In The Wind rather than a child-friendly Christmas song about how excited you are for Santa showing up, it was obvious that when he won this competition he was not going lie back and do whatever Simon Cowell told him to do.

The thing with James Arthur is that he has a tendency to shoot his mouth off on Twitter which, when your album isn't even out yet, probably isn't any way to go on. If you'd like an example, here is a tweet that James sent out earlier today...

"Bring on the hate I don't wanna be popular". Let's not forget that this is coming from a man who auditioned for The Voice and The X Factor IN THE SAME YEAR, and his audition piece was a song by Tulisa accompanied by a pretty weak sob story.

In comparison, here's a tweet that James sent out not 24 hours before that one...

For those who aren't following that's "thanks for buying my music" followed by "bring on the hate I don't wanna be popular" within 24 hours of each other. All this from a man currently flogging a single called You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You.


Aaaaaaaand that's it.

Monday, 4 November 2013

NMEeeeeeh: Britney Spears, Adam Lambert and Dami Im.

This blog contains not one, not two but THREE really good songs. If you don't believe me then keep on reading and, when prompted, press "play" on the aforementioned songs. It's an all new NMEeeeeeh...!

Britney Spears - Perfume
Available 2nd December as part of Britney's forthcoming eighth album

Starbucks supporter and MENSA member Britney Spears is making another comeback, everyone. And this time she's taking it seriously. I know she said that last time. No, I know, and the time before that. But this time she really, really means it. Right? While the lead single from her upcoming album Work Bitch was finally released in the UK today (a good 6 weeks after the rest of the world, I might add...), she's decided to chuck the second single from the album online too. And what has she decided to call the album, again..?

"Britney Jean". SEN. SATIONAL.

Yesterday Britney tweeted her fans to let them know that if they added her on Snapchat then she'd send them teasers of her upcoming single Perfume. Twitter then exploded with jokes about Britney opening up Snapchat to find thousands of photos of men's erections, but if we're being honest that's ridiculous because the only people who listen to Britney's music are gay men and women, and straight men haven't lusted after Britney since Toxic, let's be real.

After teasing the lyrics to Perfume over Snapchat and it having been described in interviews as "relatable to everyone", "effortlessly iconic" and "sung beautifully", the stakes were pretty high for the song before it was put online earlier this evening.

But now that it's out there...was the hype worth it?

Short answer: yes. It's a very good song.

Long answer: This song has been a long time coming, here in the UK the last time Britney released a ballad as a single was Everytime back in 2004. After Work Bitch, which wasn't so much "balls out" as "entire cock and balls out, bouncing around all over the shop and smacking you occasionally in the face", it's nice to hear such a completely different side to Britney, and as a Britney fan I'm pleased to say I think this is much more representative of the music she'd prefer to be making as a mother-of-two, and this is really apparent in the delivery of her vocals for the song- a far cry from the "phoned in" approach many critics have accused her of taking with some of her more recent outputs.

And let's talk about those vocals- because she is sounding great. You can say what you want about Britney, but you've got to admit that this time around Britney is delivering vocally. Is this on par with Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You"? No, of course it isn't. Idiot. But she still sounds excellent, and when you're listening to Britney on Perfume you really believe what she's singing about.

A scenario that bizarrely specific is very hard to sing about convincingly (could you imagine if this was Lady GaGa's song-- "well....this song speaks metaphorically about the burden each of us carry and the perfume represents suffering because this isn't just a song IT'S ART"), but Britney pulls it off and she conveys the paranoia and desperation and insecurity the song talks about perfectly. "I hide it well, hope you can tell but I hope she smells my perfume", Britney sings on the post-chorus, and my heart breaks a tiny bit.

There are several Britney fans on Twitter who are acting as if this song is a gift from the Gods and this song will change everything and from this point on Britney is back to Onyx Hotel perfection. It's not, and she isn't. Meanwhile, there are still those who want Britney to flop like a sack of shite who are talking as if this song stinks like a box of dead turtles and her career is over. It doesn't, and it isn't. What everyone needs to do is relax. Take a step back. Inhale. And smell her perfume...

In preparation for the weak (and I mean WEAK) product placement that is inevitably coming with the video for Perfume, let's see how many Britney fragrances out of five she's managed to score with her most recent output...

Adam Lambert - Marry The Night
Release TBA

I don't want to get sued for libel or anything...but I think that above picture of Adam Lambert might be airbrushed.

So it seems like Adam Lambert is going to be appearing in the new series of Glee, making his debut alongside Demi Lovato (who, lest we forget, once punched a girl in the face) in the episode "A Katy or a GaGa" which sounds to me like it might feature the cast singing songs originally performed by Katy Perry or perhaps by Lady GaGa. These suspicions were confirmed earlier this week when Glee posted the first of Adam Lambert's performances from the show online, which is a cover of the Lady GaGa song Marry The Night. 

Now I'll be the first to say that I do not watch Glee. I think it is terrible. I once went out with a guy who couldn't sleep unless the TV was on, and he used to have a Glee boxset on all night long and at various points I would wake up to Lea Michele screeching or Jane Lynch shouting at a lass in a cheerleading outfit, which might have something to do with my aversion to it. Mostly though I don't agree with the message of the show, that you can be in your school's choir and still be "cool". Because I was in my actual school choir, and I was the biggest loser going. Trust me.

Because of this, I very rarely listen when Glee post previews of the songs that will be featured in upcoming episodes (it might surprise you to hear I haven't even seen the episode The Power of Madonna, even though it heavily features my idol Madonna, the woman who, if asked by her to do so, I would off one of my fingers for without even questioning why she would want me to do such a thing). That said, when I saw that Adam Lambert had covered Marry The Night, I was curious to see if he could pull it off.

It turns out he really, really could.

The production of the song is much the same as Lady GaGa's original version of it, so there's no surprises there. Where Adam really shines is vocally- his delivery of the song sounds phenomenal but it also sounds absolutely effortless. On the rare moments where he ad libs it doesn't sound at all forced, and honestly if it weren't for the fact he's performing it on Glee, and of course the fact everyone already knows the song, you would think that Marry The Night was written for Adam himself.

Check out Adam's very impressive interpretation of Marry The Night below...

And now check out exactly how many bottles of Britney Spears perfume it's worth down Savers...

Dami Im - Alive
Release TBA

There are a lot of reasons to love Australia. Koala bears. The Sydney opera house. The way their toilet water goes round a different way to ours. But, more importantly, they've given the world some great music over the years. I'm talking Kylie Minogue. I'm talking Darren Hayes. I'm even talking a cheeky bit of Holly Valance. And one thing they also know how to do right is a talent show's winner single.

Here in the UK we have had some really shit "winner's single"s rush-released after The X Factor has finished. The fourth series of Australia's version of The X Factor was won by a young woman called Samantha Jade. Her "winner's single" was called What You've Done To Me and it was a camp, electropop, stomper. Seriously, check this out...

And then listen to Leon Jackson's When You Believe...

How shameful for our whole nation.

A year later, and Samantha Jade's successor to the X Factor Australia crown has been announced, and this year's series was won by Dami Im, who recently previewed her winner's single, which is called Alive. Even the name "Alive" suggests something more upbeat than whatever it was they had Matt Cardle chuck out all those years ago.

Within seconds of hitting pressing play on Alive it sounds uplifting in the vein of something Kelly Clarkson or Katy Perry might come out with. "I'm coming out of the shadows", sings Dami Im in the promising opening lines, "I'm shooting straight like an arrow". And the uplifting clichés just keep on coming until the fantastic chorus kicks in with inspiring lines like, "life ain't nothing but a crazy dance, learn the moves 'cos you're alive".

Frankly Dami Im's voice is gorgeous, and this song is just so wonderful and empowering that it makes Katy Perry's Roar sound like something Christina Perri might shit out. Please, please, listen to Alive here...

Absolute pop perfection. TOP MARKS...

Aaaaaaand that's it.