Thursday, 20 June 2013

NMEeeeeeh: Cher, Kelly Rowland and Kelly Clarkson.

If you thought yesterday's news that Britney Spears was back with a brand new single was exciting, then I have a treat for you. Not one, not two, not three....oh wait, actually, yes, three divas have new songs out and here they are in a brand new NMEeeeeeh. It's new music, eeeeeeh!

Cher - Woman's World

Giant wigs, leather jackets and botox injections at the ready- Cher is back, bitches.

She made her live comeback last night with a performance on America's version of The Voice which, surprisingly, actually holds some cultural relevance unlike the snooze-fest UK equivalent featuring some prick off The Script and Jessie "slap-head" J. The song she performed is her new single Woman's World, produced by RedOne (most famous, of course, for his collaborations with Sugababes, Alexandra Burke and, of course, Mika) DO YOUR RESEARCH DANIEL IT WAS PRODUCED BY PAUL OAKENFOLD.

The issue with Cher is that her music has got a reputation for being dancey and, above all, camp. The issue there is that, in order to be consistent, producers need to keep coming up with camp music on purpose. And camp is a very difficult thing to do on purpose. 

When Brian Higgins first produced Believe, undoubtedly one of the campest songs of all time, he wasn't trying to make something camp. He was trying to make some dance music. The same is true with Stuart Price- when he produced Hung Up for Madonna he wasn't trying to make a song to accompany the smell of poppers and shite that accompany gay clubs the world over, he was trying to get people onto the dance floor. Scissor Sisters themselves have gone on record as saying that the fact that some of the band is gay has had as little effect on their music as the fact that some of the members of Blondie are straight. 

Cher's problem is a tricky one, because when you end up making music to pander deliberately to gay people, you end up making something like this, ie. a big steaming pile of poo. My point is: you just can't make something intentionally camp, because by making something intentionally camp you are making something intentionally shit. True camp has to happen by accident, such as this little treat of a video...

(watch it all the way through if you want, but the fun really starts at the 1:00 mark)

Hilarious.

So what can be said of the new Cher song, the lead single for her first studio album in 12 years? It starts off well, kicking off with a very sexy 90s R&B sound (a sound we're probably going to have to get used to as the Lady GaGa comeback is using the same producers who made R&B music back in the 1990s with, you guessed it, Madonna), but when the vocals kick in things take a turn for the worst.

The lyrics are half good and half abominable. Half of the song deals with a theme you can never really go wrong with: a woman trying to pick herself up after a breakup with a man by hitting the dance floor to make herself feel more empowered. Can't complain till that point. Unfortunately, the rest of the song sees Cher throwing in club-related clichés which sound silly coming from women half her age.  In the bridge these two ideas are really fighting each other; she rhymes "lose myself in the beat of the drum" (disgusting cliché) with "but honey this is a battle that you haven't won" (fabulous Cher shade-throwing).

At this stage, it's hard for me to call exactly how people are going to see this song. On one hand it would be very easy to pick this song apart, after all it features a woman in her 60s singing about being "in the dark on the club floor". On the other hand, nobody really wants Cher to fail, do they? I'm willing this to do well because if you can overlook the heavy-handed clichés, it's got a good message, a catchy sing-a-long chorus, and Cher's voice, of course, sounds amazing.

Give Woman's World a listen here:


It might be a woman's world, according to Cher, but her son Chaz may not agree with that. The question is, how many Chaz Bonos out of five am I giving the new Cher single?


It could well be that I'm being overly generous but come along now. It's fucking Cher. Who's next?

Kelly Rowland - You Changed, feat. Beyoncé and Michelle Williams


There are only a handful of stars who can claim they have Beyoncé as a featured artist on one of their tracks. All I can see is that Kelly Rowland must really have some dirt on her former Destiny's Child bandmate, because now she is one of them. That's right, earlier this week Kelly Rowland unveiled the track You Changed, which features Beyoncé as well as her other ex-bandmate Michelle Williams who, let's face it, was probably just happy to get out of the house for the day.

I'll be honest- this song is boring. Admittedly I've never been a fan of Destiny's Child's slow-jams, give me Survivor and Lose My Breath over Stand Up For Love and Emotion any day. I can't fault their vocals, which sound as great as ever, but this isn't a tune you're likely to have stuck in your head all day afterwards.

You can decide for yourself if I'm being too harsh, here is You Changed:


YAWN, right?



Kelly Clarkson - Tie It Up

The strange thing about the new Kelly Clarkson single isn't that she's ditched the pop/rock that made her a household names and decided to go country. It isn't that she's still promoting her latest single People Like Us, or that her new single doesn't appear on any of the albums she's released so far. The strange thing is that Tie It Up seems to be a promo single for her own upcoming wedding.

As if the single art, which sees Kelly in a bridal veil tied to another person (probably a male since Kelly lives in a country called the United States of America where two women can't legally get married), wasn't enough of a clue that this was somehow related to her impending nuptials, the lyrics provide a quick rundown of she and her future husband's relationship until that point.

"First date, first kiss, we were checking off the list", she sings over the country-style guitar riff, before saying "then you were getting down on your knee", which implies he was proposing no matter what your sick, twisted, strap-on obsessed mind is telling you. It also features a banjo solo, a musical technique largely overlooked in the world of popular song in 2013, which is disappointing I must say.

I mean...this song is a bit lame. There is no overlooking this. But really, who cares? Kelly Clarkson is clearly very excited for her wedding and as long as this is just her sharing her excitement with her fans rather than launching some sort of new musical project, then I'm not going to object.

Listen below:


How many Chazeseseseseseseses does Tie It Up get..?


____

Finally, if you enjoyed that here are links to my past few NMEeeeeeh blogs, in case you missed them:

Monday, 17 June 2013

NMEeeeeeh.

New music, anyone? Eeeeeeh...!

Britney Jean Spears - Ooh La La
Release TBA


I originally wanted to post this blog yesterday, but alas I could only find two new songs worth posting. Thankfully, Britney Jean was here to save the day with her new single Ooh La La which premiered on the radio in America today. The song is taken from the soundtrack to the upcoming blockbuster The Smurfs 2 (get those Academy Awards ready, folks, things are going to get SMURFAAAAAY), and previously leaked online last month, though Britney later tweeted it was a demo that had leaked and not the official version. Of course, she was full of shit, and the complete version which surfaced today was different from the leaked demo in precisely zero ways.

I try not to be pretentious and pre-judge pop music, especially when it comes to acts with zero creative input like Britney, but for some reason I really wanted to not like this song. And yet, I cannot help it, I think it is the coolest thing Britney has lent her name to in quite a while. The lyrics are, of course, not especially cerebral, considering how Dr. Luke can churn the hits out this probably took him about 5 minutes to write, and it's not going to be up there next to Toxic or ...Baby One More Time or Womanizer in the Britney hall of fame, but it sounds fresh and summery and it is very catchy.

I do have three major quarrels with Ooh La La though:

1. Considering it's from the album "Music From And Inspired By The Smurfs 2" ("Inspired By The Smurfs 2" as if anyone watched The Smurfs 2 and thought "I AM SO INSPIRED TO WRITE A SONG RIGHT NOW, EVEN IF THEY DON'T EVEN FEATURE IT IN THE SMURFING FILM"), it's hard to see exactly what in the name of arse this song actually has to do with The Smurfs (ou, comme diraient les Français, LES SCHRTOUMPFS). I'm predicting this isn't exactly going to be a soundtrack to rival that of The Great Gatsby.
2. I don't wish to sound like a prude but considering that when Britney was in the studio recording this song she said it was for her sons, not to mention the fact it's from the soundtrack to a children's film, I can't help but feel these lyrics are ever so slightly inappropriate for their purpose. I don't know about you but I don't ever recall Papa Smurf saying to Smurfette "we can go all night, and spin me round just the way I like", ALTHOUGH HE PROBABLY THOUGHT IT THE HORNY SMURFING BASTARD THAT HE WAS.
3. So, we all know I love Madonna, right? Well she made an album last year called MDNA. It was good, however on that album was one of the worst songs she's made in a good 15 years. This song was called Superstar. It was a cringing hot mess of a song with really shitty lyrics where she compared her lover to various men from history "you're Abe Lincoln, cos you fight for what's right" and "you're James Dean driving in your fast car" being some of the particularly embarrassing one-liners from the song. You can listen to the chorus of Superstar here...


...and the chorus of Ooh La La here...


...and I'm honestly not wanting to make a "big thing" about this, but you can't ignore there are slightly similarities, can you? Aside from that they are two completely different songs, and I can't imagine Madonna losing much sleep over it (especially since Britney has made a superior song by far) but still.

Listen to the BRAND NEW SINGLE FROM BRITNEY BLOODY WELL SPEARS here:


In honour of Britney herself, how many frappuccinos out of five do I give Ooh La La?



Le Grind - I Was There (Where Were You?)
Released 15th July


Lifted straight from the front page of Popjustice, this is the first single from Le Grind and it is about Studio 54. I've always said if I could go anywhere in history I'd like to go to Studio 54 and party with Liza Minelli and Debbie Harry and Andy Warhol and other fabulous people, all shagging each other and passing their as-of-yet undiscovered sexually transmitted infections backwards and forwards between each other.

Admittedly, this song is not going to be for everybody. If your idea of a good time is sitting next to some bell-end in a fedora in a dingy hipster bar drinking Southern Comfort and discussing how some indie band have a "good vibe", then the chances are that Le Grind's ode to the glory days of disco (sample lyrics including: "his wig fell off into my martini", "damn horse trod on my foot and I had to sit during Donna Summer" and "did you see Liza?") might not be for you. 

However if you've ever bought a shot from a rugby player in body glitter; if you've ever watched a drag queen lip-sync to a single from one of the Real Housewives; if your boot has ever stuck to the dance-floor in a grimy gay bar only for you to step clean out of it- then you might do well to listen to this.


I do recognise the polarising nature of this song, but the things that have influenced this song (smoke machines, RuPaul, hair-flipping, Scissor Sisters, light-up dance-floors) are things which influence me on a daily basis. It did take a few listens to fully make sense of, but I'm glad I was patient because I'm  now in love with it. It gets a prestigious...



...four frappuccinos from me. I'm excited to see what Le Grind come up with next, as long as it's not a song about the aftermath of disco, ie. hair metal, the miners' strike and AIDS.

Fifth Harmony - Miss Movin' On
Release TBA

OK, so I'll level with you. I have never watched The X Factor USA, partly out of loyalty to the patron saint of Geordies everywhere Ms Cheryl Cole, partly because I have barely any interest in the UK series these days, let alone a foreign version presented by a Kardashian sister, even though Demi Lovato is on the judging panel and she punched a girl in the face once. 

In spite of this, I do read a lot of pop culture blogs, and from reading them I've learned that Fifth Harmony were pretty much the only act on the American X Factor to actually have any star quality, including judge Britney Jean Spears who managed to be just as uninterested as everyone thought she was, only to reveal at the end of the season that she had no intention of going back. Clearly Simon Cowell also recognised something special within these girls (ie. there's a chance he could make a fuck load of money off their backs) so he signed them to his record label which has helped make stars of household names like Leon Jackson, Matt Cardle and Joe McElderry.

Miss Movin' On is the girls' first single since the competition, and I'm not going to lie it sounds promising. The lyrics are empowering and all about, surprisingly, moving on from somebody. What is quite refreshing is that in the chorus there is some quite prominent electric guitar, giving it a kind of Breakaway/My December-era Kelly Clarkson vibe. 

With no support here in the UK, not to mention the attention that Cowell's other signed girl band Little Mix seem to have attracted in America, it wasn't clear whether or not there was any need for a group like Fifth Harmony, but based on this first single there is still a place for them and their big voices. Listen to Miss Movin' On here...



I'm clearly feeling generous today because I'm also giving a lovely...


...four frappuccinos to the Fifth Harmony single!

That's all.
Smurf off now, please.

Saturday, 15 June 2013

NMEeeeeeh.

You know the drill, some new songs are out and I am going to give my completely unwarranted and unqualified opinion on them for you in a brand new edition of NMEeeeeeh...

Harry Styles - Don't Let Me Go
Release TBA

Well this is all very interesting, isn't it? Undeniably the most recognisable and "tabloid famous" member of global boyband One Direction is Harry Styles, and a song he's recorded without his 1D brethren has surfaced online. The lads recently announced a stadium tour set to cover venues all over the globe, not to mention a range of perfume and, peculiarly, nail varnish, so it's unlikely that Harry will be pursuing a solo career, which begs the question exactly where has this track come from and why has he recorded it by himself?

The song itself is a low-tempo ballad, which instantly puts me off it because, let's face it, One Direction's ballads are invariably shite. This one opens with the unimaginative line "now you're standing there, right in front of me", which more or less confirms that Harry Styles wrote this himself, before going on to chat about lights that are blinding him, and chatting about how "this bed was not made for two". At least he's sticking to writing about what he knows, which at 19-years-old probably means a whole lot of shagging in people's single beds.

I like Harry Styles, but this song is pretty poor. It has a boring acoustic vibe, and the lyrics are pretty uninteresting, and there doesn't seem to be much of a link from one line to another, if that makes sense. Judging from the juvenile state of the lyrics, I'd go as far as to predict this wasn't recorded very recently, and was either a song from the "band" Harry was in before he auditioned for X Factor, or it's a song he did for his GCSE Music performance.

Let's hope that I'm right about this not being the song to launch Harry's solo career, because on the grand scheme of things this isn't going to be much of a springboard for him. He's going to need a Fight For This Love, and this is an Insatiable. The one positive thing I can compliment the song for is the vocals, Harry's voice sounds very good so well done, him, for that.

Should you fancy a listen yourself, you can check out the video below:


And now, as a special NMEeeeeeh treat, let's have a look at some of the mental comments the Directioners have left on YouTube...




Fabulous.

Finally, in honour of Harry Styles and his 1D bandmates, let's see how many topless One Direction lads out of five this new track manages to rack up...


Some serious Venus de Milo realness from Zayn Malik, there.

Moving on...

The Jonas Brothers - First Time
Release TBA

And while we're on the subject of tween-friendly boybands, The Jonas Brothers have a new single out too! While they seem to be massive stars all over the world, The Jonas Brothers never really seemed to take off here in the UK, probably because they do tend to go on and on about the lord Jesus, and really who wants to hear about that? The one thing The Jonas Brothers are renowned for here in Britain is their chastity vow, which they might swallow in America but here in Great Britain we're more cynical, and prefer our boybands to be serial shaggers rather than proud virgins.

Let's remind ourselves exactly how Kevin, the only married member of the group, summed up his first sexual experience with his wife:


I mean really.

Their latest single, which is honestly the first time I've ever actually heard a song from the Jonas Brothers, seems to contradict this above statement as it describes doing something for the "first time" and how it is, according to the opening line, "the thrill of a lifetime". GOODNESS GRACIOUS, THOSE DIRTY LITTLE DOGS.

Like the previously reviewed Harry Styles, the lyrics to this are a bit cringey and cliché, but this song does have the advantage of sounding a bit more exciting and electronic and current, though it's still a pretty embarrassing song and certainly not one I'd be in a rush to listen to again. 

"Come on let it set you free, right here, right now where you're s'posed to be". For fuck's sake.

Give it a listen yourself here:


How many topless 1D lads has it managed to score? NO VIRGIN-RELATED INNUENDO INTENDED.


The Dolls - Summer of '93
Release TBA. My release dates in this blog have been very vague. Apols.

What you probably don't appreciate is that I write this blog completely single-handedly, which means that I do all my own little images and graphics, which is why they are often so shoddily put-together. What this means is that to make this blog I have spent the past hour trawling the Internet for pictures of One Direction with their shirts off. And that doesn't just mean I had to find the three that you see used for the rating of that Jonas Brothers rating. I had to Google each member individually, and look at various shirtless shots of them, then decide which ones were the best angle, which ones looked the hottest, not to mention which ones would be the easiest cutouts. I've spent an hour and a half staring at 18-year-old tanned torso, all the while not allowing myself to get distracted so that this blog actually gets written, and to be perfectly honest with you all, my pupils are the size of dinner plates at this stage. So you'll forgive me if this final review is a quick one, but I need this experience to end. It has been like a test of my own endurance and stamina, and I'm happy that it will soon be coming to an end.

Say hello to The Dolls! They're technically a new double act, although as individuals they're successful musicians in their own right, so well done them. Their debut single as The Dolls is called Summer of '93, a summer which I was alive for but have no recollection of. Perhaps I will ask my sister what this summer was like, though she will probably regale me with yet another tale of how my birth ruined her childhood and "only child" status, and that will depress me and make me wish I'd never been born only for an angel to come and show me how depressing the world would be had I never been born, à la It's A Wonderful Life, which actually sounds like quite an ego boost for me, so perhaps I'll do it after all.

Where was I?
Oh yes.

Summer of '93 opens with some fairly somber-sounding strings, possibly from a cello which is one of my favourite instruments, so that's nice. Despite the cheery-sounding titles, it has a very dark, ominous vibe, while the lyrics are all about lost love and unrealised dreams. They could easily have been written by Simon Amstell himself- "I wanna live but I don't know how", sings the chorus, while they later talk about kissing someone's lips and that making them feel alive.

In short: this is a very, very good song. Listen to it here...


The annoying thing is, I want to give it 5/5 but I just can't take having to scour the Internet for photos of Liam Payne and Louis Tomlinson without their tops on- they are the two who take their tops off the least and yet they have the best bodies.

I just don't feel like I'm strong enough for the Google search that's about to take place. But here goes...


And there we go. The things I do in the name of consistency, eh?

Thank fuck that is over. I seriously need to go.

Laters!
x

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

NMEeeeeeh.

When I'm not getting all inexplicably riled up about boybands and their homophobic attitudes towards other boybands, I tends to keep this a fairly light-hearted blog. Exhibit A, a brand new NMEeeeeeh...

Megan and Liz - Release You
Released 4th June

"Megan and Liz" is the official band name for two young women, one named Megan and the other named Liz. I can only imagine the difficult hours spent in meetings deciding on that name. IMAGINATIVE STUFF. So anyway, they make videos on YouTube where they open their mouths and songs come out, much like those cookie jars which were popular in the early 90s where you would push a cow's head back to put cookies in and they would go MOOOOOOOOO, except obviously much more musical. Remember those cookie jars though? Hilarious.


Moving on from novelty cookie jars, Release You is the first proper single from these YouTube stars. The song is produced by Max Martin who, for those of you who are unfamiliar, is responsible for so many AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING pop songs over the past 15 years that, to be honest, it's a wonder he ever leaves the house. If I were that talented I'd probably spend my hours masturbating over a mirror, but having said that I'm already dangerously ego-driven as it is and I've never worked with Britney Spears, Pink, Christina Aguilera, Robyn, Avril Lavigne, Katy Perry or the Backstreet Boys LET ALONE BLOODY ALL OF THEM. And now wor Max has yet another gem to fit under his already very busy pop-belt.

"You used to make me laugh, but now you make me sick", they sing in the verse. I'll say no more really. The verses are a bit shouty and the chorus is very easy to sing along with AND THERE'S A MIDDLE 8 WHICH IS REALLY IMPORTANT IN A POP SONG IF YOU ASK ME. What would Teenage Dream be without that amazing I CAN GET YOUR HEART RACING IN MY SKIN TIGHT JEANS bit (actually that was a bad example as without that middle 8 Teenage Dream would still be a cracking song, but you know what I'm getting at)?

It's got a lot of attitude, it's very "feisty" (a word I hate, but it's very applicable) and you could easily imagine Kelly Clarkson or perhaps Katy Perry singing it, and that's never very rarely a bad thing, am I right? You might not know who Megan and Liz are right now, but this song is a very effective, and very catchy, springboard for them. Watch this space.

NEVER MIND WATCHING THIS SPACE, WATCH THIS VIDEO:


Inspired by the fame that Megan and Liz found on YouTube, how many other YouTube stars out of 5 does Release You manage to rack up...?


To quote that cookie jar: "mooooooooving on"

Rizzle Kicks - That's Classic
Released TBA

Good day to be in a duo, isn't it??

Now I'm not going to pretend to know a lot about Rizzle Kicks- but what I do know is that they did that one song with Olly Murs, that they did another song about humping or something, and that I would definitely shag the one on the left in this photo, whose name is either Jordan Stephens or Harley Alexander-Sule, because those are the only two people in the group.

That's Classic (*gag*) is the first song to be unveiled from the lads's's's's upcoming second album which is to be called Roaring 20s (*gag again*) and will feature collaborations with Pharrell Williams ("reductive" - Madonna) and Fatboy Slim (who has never done a song with Madonna). 

This song has everything you can expect from a Rizzle Kicks track, throwbacks to the 1920s music hall style, "cheeky" lyrics *gag*, although it does open with the line "old school, motherfuckerrrrrr" which my mother, who counts herself as quite the Rizzle Kicks fan, might not particularly appreciate. They also manage to throw in a diss to Daniel Radcliffe, which is quite funny, but they do claim in the chorus to "get up to all kinds of antics" which I'm afraid, yes, you guessed it... *gag*

You can watch the video for yourself here:


Despite the slight cheesiness of it all, I do like Rizzle Kicks and I think they've delivered again so they're getting...


...three YouTube stars out of five. So not bad going at all.

AND FINALLY...

Miley Cyrus - We Can't Stop
Released 18th August

She "can't be tamed", she's "nodding her head like yeah, moving her hips like yeah", she's "just being Miley"... and she's got a new bloody song out!

In the time she's been away from the music scene Miley Cyrus has got engaged, lopped all her hair off into a controversial blonde quiff...and seemingly got quite a taste for the old druggie-drugs. This song is not at all what you might expect from a Miley Cyrus comeback single (ie. it sounds nothing like Party In The USA), but in a way that was to be expected. It seems like Miley Cyrus is more determined than ever to prove that her Hannah Montana wig has long since been stashed away in the loft, and that she's a grown up woman (of twenty years old...). It's safe to say that she's reached the stage in her career known as In The Zone.

A lot of pop blogs today have been losing their shit over this new song, but honestly I'm just not getting it. I'm a big fan of Miley's vocals but I much prefer her voice on upbeat faster songs like Fly On The Wall and Party In The USA to ballads like The Climb, and unfortunately despite the party-driven lyrics of We Can't Stop ("everybody in line for the bathroom/trying to get a line in the bathroom", "dancing with Molly", "it's our party we can do what we want"), it's towards the lower half of the BPM spectrum.

THAT SAID there is a "la-dee-da-da-dee" bit, which will have even the grumpiest of miserable cunts singing along.

It's not a bad song by any means, it's just a bit strange hearing such grownup lyrics coming from Miley Cyrus's canny little Southern mouth, and I can't help but feel like this song would have been better off had it been offered to Rihanna, Ke$ha or even Lady GaGa, because Christ knows she loves her Mary Jane. And I'm not talking Mary Jane Watson of Spiderman fame. I'm talking about marijuana.

Don't just take my word for it, though. Listen to We Can't Stop here:



How "high" (lol) up the rating scale is it, though?


"Chris Crocker" high, evidently. Which, let's face it, is pretty high. Allegedly.

Laters!
x

Sunday, 2 June 2013

All time low.

I'll begin by admitting that I've never been a fan of The Wanted. From the offset they've always seemed a bit devoid of anything special, while I've always found their laddishness to be a turn-off. Then along came the music videos for their singles Gold Forever and Glad You Came, both of which saw them ditch the "serious face" which had worked in their favour till that point and instead saw them try and show their fun side. Unfortunately for five #lads without a scrap of charisma between them, what this culminated in was what you see in Tiger Tiger every Friday night- boys pulling stupid faces and doing ridiculous dances to cover up the fact they've got nothing else to offer.

This was mildly annoying, I'll admit, but it made their fans happy, and they weren't hurting anyone at the end of the day, were they? No. No they were not. If their music video came on the TV, I changed the channel. And I got on with my day.


Unfortunately, when One Direction very quickly overtook The Wanted to become the biggest boyband in the world, essentially undermining all the hard work The Wanted put in, to make themselves known, especially around the release of their debut single All Time Low, a more unpleasant side to them surfaced.

I'm not entirely sure where it all started to go wrong for The Wanted and One Direction's relationship (if they''d had any sense they'd have staged some sort of cringey bromance thing from the beginning, uniting their deranged fans rather than setting them off against each other) but it seemed Twitter was involved. Where it all started to get on my tits, was when Louis from One Direction tweeted Tom from The Wanted (the biggest #lad of the bunch which is saying a lot considering Max George's Twitter bio boasts "I love football, dogs and  beer") in the midst of an argument saying "enjoy the press from this", referring to the inevitable media attention the argument would bring.

Here is Tom’s reply:


To put this in context, there is some speculation that Louis Tomlinson from One Direction might be gay. Some people base this on the close relationship he seems to have with bandmate Harry Styles, while others base it on his mannerisms or his speaking voice or the look in his eye or whatever (for a lot of the gay people pushing these rumours, it might well just be wishful thinking as Louis does have a lovely arse). Either way, it’s important to note that this is just speculation. If Louis Tomlinson has not said the words “I am gay” then it’s not really for us to speculate about whether or not he is, particularly given that, as far as I'm aware, he actually has a girlfriend.

What Tom Parker did with this tweet is what little boys do in playgrounds the world over. He’s ran out of valid points to make, so he’s making fun of Louis by suggesting that he’s a closeted homosexual. As if this in itself wasn’t offensive, he’s making his point by using the name of the “It Gets Better” campaign pejoratively, a campaign which- let’s not forget- was set up because teenage boys were getting bullied so aggressively because they were gay that they decided it would just be better to kill themselves. The “It Gets Better” campaign had the intention of challenging homophobic bullying and making the message public that it was OK to be gay. Tom Parker thinks that this is a joke, and that he can use his public Twitter account to make fun of someone for being gay, while also using a campaign to try and stop people killing themselves as part of this.

My view on this is that if you are so inarticulate that the only thing you have to throw at someone in an argument is “lol you’re gay”, then you are a fucking moron. If you ask me, there’s no coming back from that. The only way to even come close to saving face is by going “oh do you know what, what I said wasn’t OK actually”. You just have to eat shit and apologise. Although the tweet has since been deleted, Tom has never actually apologised to any of his gay fans who he may have upset with his comments.


Meanwhile, in the present day, the E! network has decided to give The Wanted their own reality show (God knows between Soccer AM and Celebrity Juice there just isn’t enough #banter on TV these days), which I imagine will be as entertaining as a root canal. This means the boys are currently doing the rounds on American TV trying to promote the show, including a fabulous interview on Chelsea Lately where they had the piss ripped out of them by the fabulous Chelsea Handler and were too thick to even realise it.

The Wanted are still out in America trying to make an impression on the American public, and the other night they made an appearance on Watch What Happens Live where the host Andy Cohen asked in a quick-fire segment “which member of One Direction is most likely to come out of the closet first?”


It took less than one second for Max to say “Louis”, while Tom nodded his head and they both smirked like cheeky little fucking school boys. It’s true that they weren’t the ones who brought it up and it’s true that they only had 30 seconds to answer as many questions as possible so they maybe weren’t thinking about their answer. But who are they hurting really? WELL LET’S THINK ABOUT IT SHALL WE...?

1. Louis Tomlinson
Louis Tomlinson is either straight right now or he is in the closet. Those are the two options. If he is straight, then The Wanted have twice now suggested something untrue about his personal life, which isn’t on. I don’t think it’s homophobic for someone to not want to be thought of as gay when they’re straight, and it must be annoying for him to have this speculation, particularly when a rival boyband are using it against you. If he actually is in the closet, then the chances are he’s not out because he’s scared of public reaction. When you’re already the butt of the joke for being gay when you haven’t even admitted you’re gay yet then the chances are it’s going to make you want to come out even less.

2. Gay people
Not once but twice now a member of the group The Wanted have used being gay as something to make fun of somebody with, and what’s worse is that they’ve done it in such a sneaky and inexplicit way that it’s very difficult to call them on it. You could say, particularly in the second instance, they were just answering a question that was put to them. But there’s more to it than that, there’s the smug look on Max’s face, Tom nodding his head in agreement. 

The message The Wanted are putting out is that being gay is enough to make you the subject of ridicule, and that is not OK. It shows a distinct lack of gratitude to the gay fans who buy their records and go to their concerts, and it shows a total disregard for young people watching who might be nervous about coming out because they’re scared of the abuse that will face them, or they’re worried they’ll no longer be taken seriously. Attitudes of people like The Wanted, who are in the public eye and are old enough to know better, are totally unhelpful

3. Themselves
Once again, The Wanted have not apologised to their gay fans for their remarks about Louis Tomlinson. And this is making me, and many others I’m sure, lose any respect they once had for the group. The fact of the matter is, if The Wanted want to ride on One Direction’s coat-tails and use that as their gimmick to get them to the top, then they can do it as far as I care, I’m no One Direction fan myself. But the fact is, they’re not insulting One Direction’s songs or music, or even taking the piss out of their terrifying diehard fans. What they’re doing is pointing right at one of One Direction and saying “lol he’s gay”. This makes them look unintelligent, inarticulate, moronic and immature. Frankly, they’re making themselves look like silly little boys with very juvenile attitudes.


The reason I’m posting this today is that today it was in the news that Max George would like to settle this argument by “blowing off steam” with a boxing match. This, in his head, is the best way to settle the feud. Apologising for their remarks, refusing to answer any more questions about One Direction- those aren’t options. 

Instead, The Wanted are showing that they value things like strength and traditional masculinity, and that if you’re going to stray from that by articulating your arguments or, heaven forbid, being gay, then they feel this is something that should be picked up on, held up and ridiculed.

The point is, I used to be mildly irritated by The Wanted and now, unless they’re willing to apologise for their homophobia, I find them to be a bunch of repulsive and moronic creeps. They’re supposed to be role models to young people, and what they’re doing is gaining exposure and media attention from being homophobic. Who the fuck do they think is buying their merchandise?



So my message to The Wanted is this: stop being fucking morons, apologise for your remarks and stop being so ungrateful to the people who are keeping your careers going.

Alreet?