Sunday, 8 December 2013

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

So it's been a month and a day since the last time I posted a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup, and I must admit it has been a fairly eventful month indeed. At the last minute I applied to do an internship at my favourite entertainment website Digital Spy down in London, so I spent two weeks working there and writing for them, which was amazing. If you want to read some of the stuff I wrote then you click on these very words.

SO ANYWAY, while I was there I saw a tweet advertising for an intern at a different site, the companion website to Best magazine, which is where I'll be interning until Christmas covering huge stories such as this one, and not so huge stories such as this one. Still I am having a great time and learning and enjoying myself and meeting cool people, and actually living in London, hence why my blogging has taken something of a back seat.

But, because it's been a while since I was allowed to cover a celebrity story and actually use profanity, I have decided to return to my first love of blogging, for an all-new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Tom Daley is shagging a bloke.


"So I see Tom Daley has come out of the closet. LOL. I KNEW THAT ALREADY, TOM".

OH DID YOU? DID YOU KNOW THAT ALREADY? WELL AREN'T YOU CLEVER? WOULD YOU LIKE A SHINY MEDAL? WOULD YOU LIKE A PARADE THROWN IN YOUR HONOUR? THIS OUTSTANDING CITIZEN HAD ALREADY GUESSED TOM DALEY WAS INTO MEN AND THEREFORE HIS ENTIRE COMING OUT IS COMPLETELY NULL AND VOID. EVERYONE GIVE UP YOUR PATHETIC LIVES BECAUSE THIS AWE-INSPIRING INDIVIDUAL HAD ALREADY PIECED TOGETHER THE COMPLEX DA VINCI CODE-ESQUE CLUES AND DECIPHERED THAT OLYMPIC DIVER TOM DALEY MIGHT ENJOY A BIT OF COCK.

Aren't people just the worst sometimes?

So, anyway. Tom Daley posted a YouTube video on Monday morning where he revealed that he had been dating a guy "since the Spring", which I was very grateful for because Monday morning was when I started my newest internship and it gave me a very good conversation starter on my first day.

Let's re-watch the video now, and I'll tell you some of my favourite bits (I basically have the whole thing memorised now because I have taken to playing it right before I go to sleep but that is a whole other story that I will save for another time, or maybe never, probably never):


"Finishing my A Levels this year...it's been hectic"
For the love of God, Tom. I'm sure you're a lovely lad but it's very hard to sustain an erection when you're reminding us of the fact that you only got your A Levels THIS YEAR. Fucking hell. Can we please just remember that when I got my A Levels I looked like this...


...and the worst of it is this is post-braces and therefore not even me at my ugliest during my adolescence. In fact, this photo represents the light at the end of the tunnel. Anyway, Tom Daley I was not.

"You're probably thinking 'why did you do a book' and 'why did you do a documentary'?"
Literally nobody is thinking those things, Tom. For one thing, nobody knows those things existed. I have spent more hours than I would possibly care to even consider scouring the Internet looking at photos of Tom Daley, and even I had no idea that a documentary existed. What we are wondering is "why did you do Splash", a TV show so awful that even the presence of Anthony "I've Got A Sensitive Marff Alright" Ogogo in a pair of Speedos couldn't save it from its own horrendousness.

"In an ideal world I wouldn't be doing this video"
It's true, Tom. But in an ideal world you and I would be making a very different kind of video together. But no. We are not.

"I met someone and it made me feel so happy, so safe and everything just feels great"
Seriously people you can be as cynical as you like but a 19-year-old lad going on YouTube and saying his relationship makes him feel "safe" is really nice. I hope one day somebody loves me enough to go on YouTube and say I make them feel safe, rather than posting a Vine video of themselves talking about how terrified I make them :((((

"And that someone...is a guy"
*monocle falls into Martini*

"It was always at the back of my head that something like that could happen"
At this point in the video I lose interest because Tom Daley moves his hand towards his face and shows off this...



....the ugliest ring I think I have ever seen in my life. We get it, Tom. You were in the Olympics. We saw you do it, there are videos everywhere, you don't need to remind us by wearing a ring of the Olympic bastard rings. Which he also has a fucking ugly TATTOO of. I mean when I was 8 years old I won the Beaver of the Year award at my Beaver scout troop, but you don't see me getting the fleur de lis tattooed on my arm (although actually my ex-boyfriend has the fleur de lis tatooed on his arm, so I suppose if I got that done now it might look a bit mental).

"Of course I still fancy girls"
Oh of course, Tom! And we're sure they fancy you too, especially after this video where you boastfully tell us all about how there's someone hanging out the back of you on a regular basis these days.

He then goes on to chat on about Rio 2016 and how his family have stood by him and it's all very lovely. Well done Tom Daley. Of course, the question on everyone's lips was "who is the chap putting such a spring in Tom Daley's step?" (because he's so happy. I don't mean from all the sodomy). And, well I don't want to brag or anything but it's m--


...OH RIGHT. No. Of course it's not me. According to The Sun, and Tom Daley is yet to actually deny this, it's Dustin Lance Black (otherwise known as Dustin Lance Bass). Dustin Lance Bass, for those who don't know, is the 39-year-old scriptwriter of such gay classics as Pedro (the film adaptation the Garden Gang story Pedro Pepper and the Cherry Twins) and Milk (the story of a lonely milkman who eventually starts a passionate love affair with an ice cream man). 

He was also caught in a scandal a few years ago when photos of him circulated online having unprotected anal sex with another man, when he's one of them "YOU THERE, PUT A CONDOM IN THE END OF YOUR PENIS BEFORE YOU PUT IT IN THAT MAN'S BOTTOM" types.

All joking aside, one of the most important sportsmen in Britain today has come out at the age of 19 and that is absolutely astounding to me. Without necessarily even meaning to, he has made a difference, so congratulations Tom but SERIOUSLY-- I have barely been single for five minutes and Tom Daley is now seeing somebody. We're like ships in the bastard night...

2. Britney is going to have to do some very quick back-pedalling.


Britney Spears has a new album out, everyone. It's called Britney Jean and it is very underwhelming. It isn't bad or anything, but doesn't really sound like anybody on it was actually bothered about making it. Nobody was putting their all into Britney Jean. will.i.am, of course, has his own music career to worry about. Sia is busy running all over town writing songs for Rihanna and David Guetta and Beyoncé and every Tom, Dick and Harry she encounters in the street. And Britney has that spot on the wall she likes to stare at while she waits for the sweet release of death, which I imagine is rather time-consuming.

JOKES I'M SURE BRITNEY HAS EVERYTHING SHE NEEDS IN LIFE SHE HAS HER BOYS SEAN PRESTON OFF THE ORDINARY BOYS AND JESSIE J OR WHATEVER THEY'RE CALLED.

So anyway, obviously it was starting to become apparent to Team Britney that no one was aware that she had an album out because, safe for that one Alan Carr where she stumbled round the studio with a whip and "hilariously" told people to "work bitch", she hasn't done a single scrap of promotion for this record. I mean I know she's busy planning her Vegas show (because God knows Britney is one of the most hands-on popstars in the industry at the moment) and occasionally patting her sons on the head, but she could have made the effort to perform Work Bitch live on at least one occasion, you know what I mean? So when Team Britney realised they needed some quick-fire promotion "on the double" they threw together a web chat where people can ask Britney "Chatterbox" Spears for her opinion on various things.

The only interesting bit was when she revealed that if she could collaborate with one popstar (having released music with pop princesses Miley Cyrus and Jamie Lynn Spears already in 2013), she would choose Lady GaGa because she's "different and interesting" and "intricate". Not sure that's quite how one uses the word "intricate" but who am I to cross Britney "You wanna Maserati" Spears?

Clearly GaGa, the queen of mis-using words in an attempt to appear intelligent and articulate, was impressed because shortly after the web chat, she tweeted this:


You can practically hear Britney at home muttering "oh fuck" to herself, can't you? "WHAT HAVE I DONE? THIS IS GOING TO SERIOUSLY EAT INTO THE TIME I LIKE TO USE ON MY VANILLA CANDLE SHOPPING AND BABYSITTING MY CHILDREN".

Incidentally, "Britney Jean" entered the UK charts at 34. Entries higher than that this week include Rebecca Ferguson's sophomore album, which came in at number 6, as well as the latest albums from Boyzone, James Blunt, Cliff Richard and not one but two albums from Rod Stewart.

OH. DEAR. ME.

3. This year's biggest Christmas hit has arrived.


It's the time of year again when we have low-quality Christmas music rammed down our throats as a way of reminding ourselves a whole 12 months have gone by since last Christmas and you've achieved nothing with your life, so why don't you just lie down in the middle of the street and sob your heart out, while Paul McCartney declares that we're "simply having a wonderful Christmas time". Except it isn't Paul McCartney because whatever shitty shop you're in doesn't have the licence to play the original version, so you're listening to some session singer's version of it instead. HO HO HO.

This year's biggest Christmas offering doesn't come from Kelly Clarkson, who has had sex and got pregnant because of it, or Leona Lewis, who one time got punched in the face, but from the cast of ITV2's The Big Reunion. Because just when you thought that shower of cunts couldn't get any more depressing, they've decided to churn out a Christmas record. For charity, of course, so none of them are actually getting paid for it, they're just happy to be on TV. The irony is, the song they've picked is I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday yet half of them look so pained to be there it looks like Christmas coming once a year is still too much for them, let alone making it a 24/7 experience.

Watch the video for yourself here, and then I'm going to say some things about it:


It kicks off with Atomic Kitten. Kerry, unlike her pregnancy buddy Kelly Clarkson, declared bankruptcy earlier this year, so the song's barely started and you're already depressed thinking about what load of shite her five hundred children will be opening on Christmas. A Sindy doll perhaps? Or an XBox game in an envelope with "Grand Theft Orto" written on in Sharpie. Meanwhile Natasha is swishing herself this way and that in an attempt to make it look like she's enjoying herself, but unfortunately falling flat on her face, which isn't too bad because her comically inflated lips will make a nice soft landing for her.

Liberty X do an unremarkable verse and then comes this sight...


...Kerry Katona dressed up as Santa Claus. Just what every kid needs, you're trying to tell Santa about the new train set you want for Christmas but he won't shut the fuck up about how going to the bank and "filling in loads of forms" is less desirable than selling your soul to Cash Lady.

There's then a completely disheartening group shot for the chorus when all the Big Reunion groups perform together and try and make it look like they're enjoying each other's company when in fact they're all just trying to outdo each other on the "jolly" front and get as much screen-time as possible for their group. There's a lot of "opening my mouth very wide" and "jazz-hands" so people can see just how much this bunch of bell ends really do want it to be Christmas every day. It's like somebody's cloned Same Difference and let them loose with a bag of coke and a festive backing track.

Next to do a solo is 5ive, who there are now only four of, so they should technically be called 5our. While Atomic Kitten were trying too hard to show quite how much fun they were having, 5our are at the other end of the spectrum, tackling I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday with all the seriousness they would if this were actually their tribute song to Nelson Mandela. You almost take them seriously, but unfortunately it's interspersed with shots of them ballroom dancing with pensioners at what looks like Blackpool Tower. Ouch.

And then it's Blue's turn. I fancy all of Blue. Every single one of them. Antony is my favourite. Then Simon. Then Lee. Duncan is a bit of a guilty pleasure, but I still definitely would. They're back to the LOOK AT US HAVING FUN AND CLOWNING ABOUT attitude, and Lee Ryan pulls this face:


Such larks, eh?

AND THEN. JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT CAN'T GET ANY MORE WOEFUL. ABZ/ABS FROM 5IVE/5OUR DOES A RAP.

Yes. He. Does.


Sensationally, to add to the authenticity of this awe-inspiring video, he has chosen to read the rap off his phone. And let's just say this rap rhymes "festive fun" with "love and joy for everyone".

IT'S. FOR. CHARITY.

Sensational.

Well that was quite a horrible blog wasn't it? SORRY CELEBRITIES. I LOVE YOU REALLY
If this bile-infused blog has left a bad taste in your mouth, why not check out this article I wrote for Best about a squirrel? I promise it will make you feel better in no time.
Laters!
x

Thursday, 7 November 2013

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I'm not above shameless self-promotion, no I'm not. So before you enjoy this Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup, why not head over to WhatCulture! and check out my review of Lady GaGa's latest album, which I believe is called ARTPOP but to be honest there hasn't been much tweeting about it so I might be wrong. I'm doing my best but trying to be funny and entertaining without swearing is difficult for me. 

Also, while we're at it, don't forget that every Sunday I host a radio show for the North East's Pride Radio which I am very pleased to be a part of. If you're free on Sundays it's from 2pm-4pm. Put it in your diary. 

And now that I'm done wanking myself off, I'll give you the blog that you came here for in the first place...

1. Justin Bieber blames it on Rio...


How bastard long has my imaginary boyfriend Justin Bieber been on tour for? I feel like every time I log onto a celebrity news site (or, let's be honest, Famous Males Forums) there's a picture of him with his top off onstage in a different major city (not that I'm complaining, obviously, it's just unfortunate that the "revision" folder on my external hard-drive is starting to get very full indeed).

Well in the spirit of perpetually being on tour, Justin Bieber has arrived in Brazil and things aren't going swimmingly, as is the case with a horny 19-year-old so perpetually stoned his next tattoo is going to be the Taco Bell logo (allegedly). The first sign of things not exactly going in Bieber's favour came when this photograph was taken of him leaving what is believed to be a Brazilian brothel...


Subtle, guys. I don't know if they confused this giant fucking sheet for Harry Potter's invisibility cloak but just because you can't see his face doesn't mean we don't know it's Justin fucking Bieber coming out of a brothel (just in case you're wondering, I told him before he left that whatever happens on tour stays on tour so this didn't upset me at all. Unless when he gets back to Hebburn he brings a Brazilian STD with him that is). 

The sensible thing to do would have been for him to strut out and actually speak to the photographers and say "what? That's not a brothel, I was just buying some weed in there" or SOMETHING instead of sneaking out in a sheet that half of Brazil have probably spunked up on. 

The fun didn't stop there, though. Check out this video which was put uploaded earlier today and filmed by a Brazilian woman...



OK, so first of all who knew there was only one "l" in "Brazilian". Wouldn't you think there'd be two? Nope. Only one.

Secondly, who the fuck is this bitch thinking she can just video MY imaginary boyfriend and then blow MY imaginary boyfriend a kiss while he's asleep, probably dreaming of smoking a big joint and then eating some KFC me.

Initial reports suggested the mystery girl filming Bieber was one of the prostitutes he enjoyed the company of while not delighting the people of Brazil with his awe-inspiring music, though Bieber's camp have since denied that. According to Team Bieber, Justin threw a party which was attended by a whole bunch of people at the place where he was staying in Brazil, and while he was passed out one of the guests crept in and took this video. 

If that's true, what a creepy bitch. As God is my witness this lass wants to stay out of my way if she thinks she can just sneak in on MY sleeping angel and video him without any consequences. Bitch, I got my eye on you. I'd stay out of Hebburn if I were you...

2. Paul Gascoigne has a new way of trying to keep sober.


Now yous all know I'm from the North East of England, so Paul Gascoigne is as important to my local culture as Greggs pasties, trousers with slashes up the side of them or the JobCentre, so I'm not here to be a "hater" about a local legend.

The problem is that Paul Gascoigne just keeps being unintentionally hilarious. Now I totally understand that the road to sobriety is a difficult and long one, and I have the upmost respect for Gazza as he tries to turn his life around. But during the recent documentary Being Paul Gascoigne he recited a poem that he had written. It started off fairly emotive but it quickly descended into...


Sen. Actually. Sational. (he then goes on to rhyme "rehab" with "not all that fab").

So anyway, I'm pleased to report that Gazza is managing to stay sober, thanks in part to his new-found hobbies of playing the guitar and the harmonica. He's also taken to going to tattoo studios and getting new body art when he feels like hitting the bottle. Apparently the tattoo artists where he lives in Bournemouth are so determined to keep him off the drink that they're letting him have tattoos for free, which led to this amazing photograph...


That, my friends, is Paul Gascoigne playing Hit The Road Jack on the harmonica while a man tattoos his ex-wife's name onto his arm.

I LOVE CELEBRITIES SO MUCH.

3. What the fuck is going on with James Arthur?


During last year's X Factor finale, all of the acts who'd got through to live shows (except Christopher Maloney who'd called someone a cunt the day before or something) performed a rendition of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, while finalists James Arthur and Jahmene Douglas showed up for the last chorus. When James Arthur came onstage, with a miserable bracket usually reserved for performances of Candle In The Wind rather than a child-friendly Christmas song about how excited you are for Santa showing up, it was obvious that when he won this competition he was not going lie back and do whatever Simon Cowell told him to do.

The thing with James Arthur is that he has a tendency to shoot his mouth off on Twitter which, when your album isn't even out yet, probably isn't any way to go on. If you'd like an example, here is a tweet that James sent out earlier today...


"Bring on the hate I don't wanna be popular". Let's not forget that this is coming from a man who auditioned for The Voice and The X Factor IN THE SAME YEAR, and his audition piece was a song by Tulisa accompanied by a pretty weak sob story.

In comparison, here's a tweet that James sent out not 24 hours before that one...


For those who aren't following that's "thanks for buying my music" followed by "bring on the hate I don't wanna be popular" within 24 hours of each other. All this from a man currently flogging a single called You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You.

Amazing.

Aaaaaaaand that's it.
Laters!
x

Monday, 4 November 2013

NMEeeeeeh: Britney Spears, Adam Lambert and Dami Im.

This blog contains not one, not two but THREE really good songs. If you don't believe me then keep on reading and, when prompted, press "play" on the aforementioned songs. It's an all new NMEeeeeeh...!


Britney Spears - Perfume
Available 2nd December as part of Britney's forthcoming eighth album

Starbucks supporter and MENSA member Britney Spears is making another comeback, everyone. And this time she's taking it seriously. No...no I know she said that last time. No, I know, and the time before that. But this time she really, really means it. Right? While the lead single from her upcoming album Work Bitch was finally released in the UK today (a good 6 weeks after the rest of the world, I might add...), she's decided to chuck the second single from the album online too. And what has she decided to call the album, again..?


"Britney Jean". SEN. SATIONAL.

Yesterday Britney tweeted her fans to let them know that if they added her on Snapchat then she'd send them teasers of her upcoming single Perfume. Twitter then exploded with jokes about Britney opening up Snapchat to find thousands of photos of men's erections, but if we're being honest that's ridiculous because the only people who listen to Britney's music are gay men and women, and straight men haven't lusted after Britney since Toxic, let's be real.

After teasing the lyrics to Perfume over Snapchat and it having been described in interviews as "relatable to everyone", "effortlessly iconic" and "sung beautifully", the stakes were pretty high for the song before it was put online earlier this evening.

But now that it's out there...was the hype worth it?

Short answer: yes. It's a very good song.

Long answer: This song has been a long time coming, here in the UK the last time Britney released a ballad as a single was Everytime back in 2004. After Work Bitch, which wasn't so much "balls out" as "entire cock and balls out, bouncing around all over the shop and smacking you occasionally in the face", it's nice to hear such a completely different side to Britney, and as a Britney fan I'm pleased to say I think this is much more representative of the music she'd prefer to be making as a mother-of-two, and this is really apparent in the delivery of her vocals for the song- a far cry from the "phoned in" approach many critics have accused her of taking with some of her more recent outputs.

And let's talk about those vocals- because she is sounding great. You can say what you want about Britney, but you've got to admit that this time around Britney is delivering vocally. Is this on par with Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You"? No, of course it isn't. Idiot. But she still sounds excellent, and when you're listening to Britney on Perfume you really believe what she's singing about.

A scenario that bizarrely specific is very hard to sing about convincingly (could you imagine if this was Lady GaGa's song-- "well....this song speaks metaphorically about the burden each of us carry and the perfume represents suffering because this isn't just a song IT'S ART"), but Britney pulls it off and she conveys the paranoia and desperation and insecurity the song talks about perfectly. "I hide it well, hope you can tell but I hope she smells my perfume", Britney sings on the post-chorus, and my heart breaks a tiny bit.

There are several Britney fans on Twitter who are acting as if this song is a gift from the Gods and this song will change everything and from this point on Britney is back to Onyx Hotel perfection. It's not, and she isn't. Meanwhile, there are still those who want Britney to flop like a sack of shite who are talking as if this song stinks like a box of dead turtles and her career is over. It doesn't, and it isn't. What everyone needs to do is relax. Take a step back. Inhale. And smell her perfume...




In preparation for the weak (and I mean WEAK) product placement that is inevitably coming with the video for Perfume, let's see how many Britney fragrances out of five she's managed to score with her most recent output...


Adam Lambert - Marry The Night
Release TBA

I don't want to get sued for libel or anything...but I think that above picture of Adam Lambert might be airbrushed.

So it seems like Adam Lambert is going to be appearing in the new series of Glee, making his debut alongside Demi Lovato (who, lest we forget, once punched a girl in the face) in the episode "A Katy or a GaGa" which sounds to me like it might feature the cast singing songs originally performed by Katy Perry or perhaps by Lady GaGa. These suspicions were confirmed earlier this week when Glee posted the first of Adam Lambert's performances from the show online, which is a cover of the Lady GaGa song Marry The Night. 

Now I'll be the first to say that I do not watch Glee. I think it is terrible. I once went out with a guy who couldn't sleep unless the TV was on, and he used to have a Glee boxset on all night long and at various points I would wake up to Lea Michele screeching or Jane Lynch shouting at a lass in a cheerleading outfit, which might have something to do with my aversion to it. Mostly though I don't agree with the message of the show, that you can be in your school's choir and still be "cool". Because I was in my actual school choir, and I was the biggest loser going. Trust me.

Because of this, I very rarely listen when Glee post previews of the songs that will be featured in upcoming episodes (it might surprise you to hear I haven't even seen the episode The Power of Madonna, even though it heavily features my idol Madonna, the woman who, if asked by her to do so, I would off one of my fingers for without even questioning why she would want me to do such a thing). That said, when I saw that Adam Lambert had covered Marry The Night, I was curious to see if he could pull it off.

It turns out he really, really could.

The production of the song is much the same as Lady GaGa's original version of it, so there's no surprises there. Where Adam really shines is vocally- his delivery of the song sounds phenomenal but it also sounds absolutely effortless. On the rare moments where he ad libs it doesn't sound at all forced, and honestly if it weren't for the fact he's performing it on Glee, and of course the fact everyone already knows the song, you would think that Marry The Night was written for Adam himself.

Check out Adam's very impressive interpretation of Marry The Night below...



And now check out exactly how many bottles of Britney Spears perfume it's worth down Savers...


Dami Im - Alive
Release TBA

There are a lot of reasons to love Australia. Koala bears. The Sydney opera house. The way their toilet water goes round a different way to ours. But, more importantly, they've given the world some great music over the years. I'm talking Kylie Minogue. I'm talking Darren Hayes. I'm even talking a cheeky bit of Holly Valance. And one thing they also know how to do right is a talent show's winner single.

Here in the UK we have had some really shit "winner's single"s rush-released after The X Factor has finished. The fourth series of Australia's version of The X Factor was won by a young woman called Samantha Jade. Her "winner's single" was called What You've Done To Me and it was a camp, electropop, stomper. Seriously, check this out...


And then listen to Leon Jackson's When You Believe...



How shameful for our whole nation.

A year later, and Samantha Jade's successor to the X Factor Australia crown has been announced, and this year's series was won by Dami Im, who recently previewed her winner's single, which is called Alive. Even the name "Alive" suggests something more upbeat than whatever it was they had Matt Cardle chuck out all those years ago.

Within seconds of hitting pressing play on Alive it sounds uplifting in the vein of something Kelly Clarkson or Katy Perry might come out with. "I'm coming out of the shadows", sings Dami Im in the promising opening lines, "I'm shooting straight like an arrow". And the uplifting clichés just keep on coming until the fantastic chorus kicks in with inspiring lines like, "life ain't nothing but a crazy dance, learn the moves 'cos you're alive".

Frankly Dami Im's voice is gorgeous, and this song is just so wonderful and empowering that it makes Katy Perry's Roar sound like something Christina Perri might shit out. Please, please, listen to Alive here...



Absolute pop perfection. TOP MARKS...


Aaaaaaand that's it.
Laters!

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

NMEeeeeeh: Eminem, Aiden Grimshaw and Avril Lavigne.

Would you like to hear some music? Would you like to read my opinions on said music? Would you like a speedboat? Well only two of those three things will come true if you read this blog (you'll have to wait till the end to find out which, though), I THINK it's time for an all new NMEeeeeeh...

Eminem - The Monster, feat. Rihanna
Available now

Right in time for Halloween, Eminem has unveiled The Monster, his third collaboration with Rihanna after Love The Way You Lie (parts 1&2). When these two get together it's usually a great success, so my expectations were pretty high before I listened to this, although at the same time the tracks Eminem has released so far from his upcoming album The Marshall Mathers LP 2 have seen him referring to people as "faggots" like he has been throughout his entire career. And what do we do when straight men call people "faggots"? WE OGLE THEM WITH THEIR TOPS OFF, OF COURSE!!

PHWOOOAR, RIGHT LADS?

9/10, WOULD BANG.

WOW, I'D DEFINITELY HAVE GAY SEX WITH THAT.

Now the objectification of the straight man is out of the way, I can get on with listening to his new song, which features Rihanna who the last time we saw her was teaching Miley Cyrus a thing or two about twerking in her Pour It Up video. Wow.

The Monster opens with Rihanna belting, which is always a promising way to begin. "I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed", she sings, which sets the tone for the rest of the song. Eminem's rapping is quick-fire and erratic in the style that he's become well-known for, and he quickly switches between voices and changes the mood, one minute he's talking seriously and the next he's putting on voices and howling like a wolf.

It might not surprise you to hear this, particularly given my opening description of Eminem mentioned nothing of his back catalogue but did contain three shirtless pictures of him, but I don't listen to a lot of rap music and consequently don't know an awful lot about it. What I do know, however, is that this is a really great song and once again Rihanna and Eminem have made fantastic music together, which I urge you to check out for yourself by listening below...


While this time around it's Rihanna he's collaborating with, let's reflect on Eminem collaborations gone by as we ask-- how many Didos out of 5 does The Monster get..?


Aiden Grimshaw - Satisfy Me
Released 26th November

Those of you with a good memory will recall plucky young Aiden Grimshaw from the seventh series (otherwise known as THE BEST SERIES) of The X Factor we he performed Mad World in what appeared to be a straitjacket and did a weird version of Thriller for Halloween week with a lot of eye-liner on. He got booted out far too early (that week he was up against national treasure Katie Waissel , so you can see why he wasn't spared) and went on to release an album, which was accompanied by the single Is This Love which I still listen to from time to time, because it is canny good.

Well Aiden Grimshaw has undergone a bit of a re-brand and is now known as just Aiden, a move which I think is stupid and thus will be ignoring. He's also ditched his famed quiff hairstyle and in his new promo photo is shirtless with a snake around his neck. He's done that really annoying thing gay men do on Instagram where they post a shirtless photo from the neck upwards, which is usually accompanied by a caption like "new haircut" or "off to bed, sleeeeepy time" when in fact the caption might as well say "WELL LOOK AT YOU THINKING ABOUT ME SHIRTLESS, BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT I HAVEN'T EVEN SHOWN YOU ANY NIP ITS ALL YOUR DOING". God, gay men are the worst.

Getting back to the artist formerly known as Aiden Grimshaw, considering he appears to have undergone a more "serious" re-brand his new track Satisfy Me is actually surprisingly pop, and was co-written with Dimitri Tikovoi who has worked with Sophie Ellis-Bextor and NICOLA ROBERTS. The bridge to the song is spoken, which I'm not a massive fan of, but the chorus is catchy and the production is excellent.

Have a listen to Satisfy Me yourself here BUT BE WARNED THERE IS A SWEAR WORD IN IT:


Not bad at all. I'm just very confused by the re-brand. Dido?


Avril Lavigne - Bad Girl, feat. Marilyn Manson
Released 4th November, as part of Avril Lavigne's self-titled new album

In recent years Marilyn Manson has collaborated with Lady GaGa and been the soundtrack to a Britney Spears tour interlude, so it was only a matter of time before he fell into the clutches of Avril Lavigne. The two have formed an unlikely alliance, and recorded the song Bad Girl together which made its online debut yesterday and features on Avril's upcoming album the imaginatively titled Avril Lavigne (but still, at least it's not a worse name than Goodbye Lullaby, blech!).

Bad Girl opens with Marilyn Manson muttering "just lay your head in daddy's lap, you're a bad girl" which in itself is terrifying and makes me not want to listen to the rest of the song. The guitar riff kicks in and sounds decidedly more heavy metal than anything we've heard from Avril in a very long time, and the lyrics are undoubtedly the most sexual she's ever made, "you know that I'm a little tease, tease", she sings. The chorus features the concerning line "choke me because I said so", while Manson's contribution to the song is reduced to a few shouts and screams here and there.

Basically, the song is a total racket and the lyrics are embarrassing. It's probably worth listening to once or twice if you're a fan of Avril Lavigne, or Marilyn Manson for that matter, but it's nowhere near her best work. Still here it is if you want to judge for yourself...


However, I'm not rating the song very highly at all, if I'm honest...


Aaaaaaaand that's all.
Laters!
x

______________________
Previous NMEeeeeh blogs

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

NMEeeeeeh: Lady GaGa, Chromeo and One Direction.

You know what they say about blogs and buses? Nothing. They say nothing about them. Here's a brand new edition of NMEeeeeeh...

Lady GaGa - Venus
Available now

Hey. Hey GaGa. GaGa? Hey...what's your favourite type of Gillette razor?


Literally amazing.

So I mentioned in yesterday's blog that on an appearance on The X Factor, Lady GaGa delivered a fairly erratic and bewildering performance of her new single Venus, which she made available to the general public yesterday.

Venus seems to have really got a lot of people's goat, and I have seen a lot of criticism of the song on blogs and Twitter. People don't like the production (which GaGa did all by herself!), the unusual lyrics "Aphrodite lady, seashell bikini", the strange voice GaGa puts on while she murmurs the word "Venus" in the verses and her "why have one chorus when you could have four" attitude to songwriting.

While I do take all of that criticism on board, and I really have tried to see what people are talking about, I just can't help but love Venus. True, it does not hit you as instantaneously as previous ARTPOP cut Do What U Want (feat. R "Pissyknickers" Kelly) but then they are two completely different songs and while musically Do What U Want seems like the more simplistic song, it's actually Venus which is more simplistic and less "yes this actually isn't about what you think it is BECAUSE I AM AN ARTIST, OK?????" lyrically.

And THAT CHORUS. Say what you like about GaGa trying too hard in the run-up, but when that "when you touch me I die" chorus kicks in there's no denying that it is total pop perfection, particularly the "wonder if this could be love...this could be love" line. Plus there is a middle 8 where GaGa starts listing the planets in a totally random order ("Mercury...Venus uhhh huhhh...Uranus...DON'T YOU KNOW MY ASS IS FAMOUS??") which some people have said is too much, but personally I actually find it laugh out loud. 

More to the point, every time I look at this...


...I love the song a little bit more. Fancy giving it a listen..?



In honour of the unwittingly controversial birthday cake that GaGa sent to Kelly Osbourne, today's songs will be measured out of five birthday cakes. So how many birthday cakes does Venus get?


And I'm not even sorry.

Chromeo - Sexy Socialite
Release TBA

I first came across Chromeo when I was on my year abroad (if there was ever a more odious way to start a sentence than that I don't know what it is) and so the music from their last album Business Casual holds a special place in my heart. So when Daft Punk came back earlier this year with what was basically a Chromeo song with Pharrell Williams on vocals it did make me think "come along, lads, now might be a good time to whack out some new material".

Clearly, they had the same idea, and a few days ago their new single Sexy Socialite appeared online. The song is, unsurprisingly, about a "sexy socialite". The aforementioned is "out to socialise" and she's "always so polite" and she's "out to tantalise". It's everything you can count on Chromeo to deliver, cool-sounding dance music that manages to strike a perfect balance between sounding current and sounding retro.

My complaint with this song is the same complaint I had when I first heard Ke$ha's Die Young, this is the first release Chromeo have put out since 2010, yet this song doesn't show any kind of progress from the last time we heard from them. I totally understand the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" approach, and I'd rather people stick to what they know then put out a load of garbage just in the name of experimenting, but at the same time if you're going to take three years to put a song out I'd like to at least understand why it took so long to make at the end of it all.

And so, just for you, here is the new Chromeo single Sexy Socialite...


And here is a picture of some birthday cakes to illustrate my opinion on the song...


One Direction - Story Of My Life
Available now

Josh, JJ, George and Jaymi are back with the second single from their upcoming album Midnight Memories and this time they've decided to slow the pace down. In my opinion ballads have never been One Direction's strong point, I much prefer their catchier and more fun songs like Kiss You and Best Song Ever for the simple reason they're much more likely to get their tops off in the music video if the song is upbeat. Know what I'm saying?

Interestingly, Story Of My Life is the first single One Direction have ever released which they have a co-writing credit for. What this unfortunately means is that the song is influenced by the music that One Direction are listening to themselves, and One Direction are five heterosexual lads aged 19-21-- what the fuck do they know about good music?


Terrible. Just terrible.

The bad thing is, the influence of this devil music is all too apparent on Story Of My Life which has all the guitar plucking and husky vocals and "wistfully looking out of the train window" vibe that you'd expect five heterosexual lads to come up with left to their own devices to come up with a song idea. It isn't really a "bad song", but at the same time it doesn't exactly go "oh oh oh" and then "yeah yeah yeah" and then "OHHHHHHHHH" if you know what I mean.


Time for some real talk, though. I don't care if they're "maturing" or "trying something new" or "making the music they themselves would actually listen to", this shite is not what I want a five-piece boyband managed by Simon Cowell to be coming out with. I want fun and laughs and lyrics like "yeah-eah-eah yeah-eah-eah yeah-eah-eah" and "woah-oh-oh oh oh oh" and if they can fit a "na na na na na na na na na na na na" in there that would be great too. Story Of My Life has none of that. NONE OF IT.

Cake?


Better than that shower of shite Little Things, anyway.

Aaaaaand that's that.
Laters!
x

Monday, 28 October 2013

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Just in case you've missed these totally important newsworthy tidbits from the past few days, or if you just fancy a cheap laugh at someone else's expense, why don't you walk with me into the sunset of celebrity in an all new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Kelly Osbourne does not want that cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake.


Who knew cake could cause so much controversy, eh?

So, the story goes that once upon a time a lady called Kelly Osbourne was inundated with aggressive tweets after she said that Lady GaGa not walking the red carpet at the 2012 Grammys was "disrespectful" (in fact, the reason GaGa hadn't walked the carpet was out of respect for the recent death of Whitney Houston, but that is neither hither nor thither). 

As you can predict, GaGa's insane Twitter fans went in HARD on Kelly Osbourne, which Kelly claimed went against what GaGa represented as an artist against bullying and the like. After one fan told Kelly to "kill yourself! for your own sake, pls do it", Kelly Osbourne suggested that Lady GaGa's fans really were "little monsters", the name GaGa herself nicknamed them way back in the day.

Surprisingly, rather than talking a load of "love not hate", "let's make art not hate", "let the bees of art carry nectar from the flower of pop" bullshit, Lady GaGa actually published an open letter to Kelly Osbourne where she called her a hypocrite (!!) and said that her show Fashion Police "breeds negativity".

Ouch. And, of course, it all unraveled over the weeks and months with Kelly's mother chucking her hat into the ring until we arrive at last night. To bring you up to speed, Kelly's mother Sharon Osbourne is currently judging on The X Factor here in the UK, where GaGa was scheduled to perform. It then emerged that Sharon and GaGa were hanging out at G-A-Y last night and managed to resolve their differences, the night before what happened to be Kelly Osbourne's birthday. GaGa then presented Sharon with a cake to give to Kelly, bearing the message "Happy Birthday Kelly". 

And how did Kelly react to this photograph of her mother and someone she'd been in a very public feud with smiling and brandishing a birthday cake...? 


Oh. Oh alright then. Did she leave it there...?


No, no she did not. #EatMyShit. Outstanding.

When GaGa's fans once again decided to send Kelly a barrage of negative tweets, she stepped in this time and issued this statement.


Of course, focusing on "the positive" of her performance is easier said than done as well, because it was total bollocks. She opened the show strumming a guitar before chucking herself in an over-choreographed number to her space-inspired new single Venus. I don't want to start pointing the finger or suggesting anything, but she did seem slightly erratic and clumsy and a little hyperactive. Perhaps she'd overdone it on the Lucozade OR PERHAPS SHE'D HAD HERSELF A BIG FAT BUMP OF COCAINE BEFORE SHE CAME ONSTAGE oops of course not, GOD FORBID NO ONE AROUND HERE IS SUGGESTING ANYTHING THAT DEFAMING OR LIBELLOUS, NOSSIREEBOB.

For the second half of the performance her dancers fucked off and she performed her other new single (y'know, the one she put out and everyone loved so she was like OH YEAH THIS WAS THE PLAN ALL ALONG, SILLY, I ALWAYS WANTED TO PUT THIS OUT AS A SINGLE) Do What U Want which features Mr. Pissyknickers himself, R Kelly. It had some very unusual choreography where she threw herself on the floor, jumped around a bit and then sat down and played some piano before climbing on top of it and howling at the moon like a mentalist.

In case you missed the total shitshow of a performance from Lady GaGa, you can watch it here:


It all culminates in a conversation with Dermot O'Leary so utterly awkward that she, at one point, begins speaking in Sofia Vergara's Colombian accent. Very strange.

Hey, do you remember that time when Lady GaGa could get away with literally anything and people would still say she was brilliant? So does Lady GaGa. In fact in Lady GaGa's head, and literally no one else's who doesn't have the word "monster" or "Germanotta" in their Twitter username, that time still exists. But it doesn't. GaGa clearly thinks that every Tom, Dick and Harry watching X Factor on a Sunday night has been waiting for ARTPOP with baited breath. But they haven't, in the time since she's been away they've been living their lives. 

The problem is, she's come out as if nothing has changed, but frankly it has. It's not that people are "tired" of Lady GaGa or she's got "boring" or anything like that, but that above performance just isn't accessible to everybody is it? In fact, it was just total nonsense. Meaningless nonsense.

Hey. Hey GaGa? Gaga? Hey. Who's your favourite of the Roman gods..?


GaGa? Hey GaGa. What's your favourite planet in our solar system..?


Oh. Hey GaGa. Hey. Hey GaGa? GaGa? What's your favourite unincorporated community in Florida..?



Hey GaGa. What's your, erm...who's your favourite of the Williams sisters..?



Hey Kelly. What do you, erm....what do you think of Dannii Minogue..?


COME ON A STORY ABOUT KELLY OSBOURNE AND TWITTER AND YOU THOUGHT I'D GET TO THE END OF IT ALL AND NOT EVEN MENTION THIS? Sensational.

Moving on.

2. Everything is ship-shape and shiny with Kim Kardashian, thank you very much.


You'll be pleased to hear, everyone, that the miracle of child birth has not totally destroyed Kim Kardashian's money maker vagina.

Yes the woman who kept a piece of chewing gum in her mouth even when being taken roughly from behind in her infamous sex tape has kept it as classy as ever by revealing that days after giving birth to her ridiculously named daughter North West she had a look at her fanny in the mirror.

In an episode of the brain cell-destroying Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim confided in sister Khloe Kardashian (and, y'know, the millions of people watching): "When I came back from the hospital the first thing I did was go and look at my vagina in the mirror. It looks better looking than before".

Well let's face it, North West's birth wasn't exactly the first strenuous adventure for Kim's vagina, was it? In my head Kim sneezed North West out, if I'm being honest.

Meanwhile, last week Kim and long-term boyfriend Kanye West got engaged, and while he was proposing he had an orchestra play one of his own songs. Of course he fucking did. The only surprising thing about Kanye's proposal is that he didn't get Kim to put on a mask of his own face to make his "I love you" sound a bit more sincere.

Christ alive.

3. Chris Brown risks it all in the name of casual homophobia.



Occasional singer and perpetual cunt Chris Brown is in the news again. Can you guess why? Remember when he punched Rihanna in the face and then said he was going to stop punching people in the face? And then remember when he punched Frank Ocean in the face and said he was going to stop punching people in the face? Well, Chris Brown has only gone and PUNCHED SOMEONE ELSE IN THE FACE.

Not just anyone, though, but a fan.

What allegedly transpired was that Chris Brown was taking a photo with a female fan when her mate, Isaac Adams Parker, tried to get in on the photo as well. That silly sausage Chris Brown didn't take too kindly to that, and reacted by punching the lad in the face with the comment "I'm not into this gay shit, I'm into boxing".

Once again, that's "I'm not into this gay shit, I'm into boxing". And a smack in the chops.

What Chris Brown seems to have temporarily forgotten is that he is still on probation for attacking his ex-girlfriend Rihanna back in 2009, and so after being arrested it could well be that Chris Brown ends up in the slammer for violating the terms of his probation.

At least one thing we can all take away from this is the knowledge that Chris Brown is not interested in any "gay shit", and please let me speak on behalf of all of my gay and bisexual brethren and say: Chris Brown, we're not interested in your "shit" either. So you might as well have saved yourself a punch. You horrible and insufferable cunt.

Aaaaaaaaaaand that's it.
Laters!
x