Saturday, 25 August 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Four blogs in five days, people. I truly am bored. Just a reminder to y'all that if you enjoy my blog then you'll definitely enjoy my show on Pride Radio every Sunday 2pm-4pm. It's basically this blog but with some decent music thrown in for good measure. There's bitching, there's gossip, there's usually some Nicki Minaj thrown in. Definitely worth a listen I'd say, but then I am slightly biased.

Meanwhile, shall we get on with an all new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. It seems that Las Vegas has gone to Céline Dion's head...


For those of you still in shock from the leaked naked photos of Prince Harry, then are you in for a shock when you see the latest photoshoot from top diva Céline Dion

As part of a spread for V magazine, it seems that the longest face in showbiz has decided to ditch her usual squeaky-clean and has controversially posed topless in some arm-length leather gloves. WHAT A KINKY BITCH EH?


I'm telling you now, people, it is always the quiet ones.

She explains in the accompanying interview that motherhood changed her in ways she hadn't anticipated, saying: "I thought I had a life before. I'm more grounded now than ever before".

She's certainly looking grounded in this other picture from the shoot, in a rabbit mask and Adidas dungarees with cuddly toys stuck to them...


This image sums up Céline Dion at her most grounded. I can only imagine that before motherhood she ran around her home simulating sex with a life-size Teletubby and smearing the walls with shite.

Grounded.

2. Madonna sings a tune for Sir Elton.


At her concerts in Russia for her MDNA tour earlier this Summer, Madonna was heard voicing her support for punk band Pussy Riot. However, at a show in Nice last night, it was a very different pussy that she decided to lend her support towards.

You see a few weeks ago Elton John was doing an interview, during which he described Madonna as looking like a "fairground stripper", adding that her MDNA tour was a "disaster" and that it "couldn't happen to a more horrible cunt". Which, let's face it, is not a nice thing to publicly say about someone regardless of how you feel about them.

It seems Madonna isn't too upset by his comments though as during her performance of her song Masterpiece yesterday (a song which, let's not forget, beat Elton John to winning a Golden Globe for Best Original Song after he'd declared she had "no fucking chance" of winning PROMPTING HIM TO PULL THIS AMAZING FACE) she dedicated the song to Sir Elton, saying she "forgives him" for his comments.

"I know he's a big fan of the song", she said about Elton, "And I know he's a big fan of mine. And you know what? I forgive him. Gotta start somewhere".

It's now over to Sir Elton for his, no doubt extremely toxic, rebuttal.

3. Christina Aguilera leaks all over.


Now I know whenever you hear the words "Christina Aguilera" and "leak" the first thing you think of is that unfortunate incident at Etta James's memorial with the "fake tan" dripping down her inner leg...


...Yergh.

But that's not what we're here to talk about today. What we are here to discuss is the new Christina Aguilera demo which leaked online yesterday. It's called Your Body and, in the admittedly quite low quality clip, Christina is up to her old tricks again essentially trying to get her leg over.

"All I wanna do is fuck your body", she sings in the chorus which, to be honest, I think is a bit beneath Christina at this stage. The song is OK but it doesn't scream "comeback" which, after all that business with Bionic, I think it really needed to (also the lyric "fucking your body" rather than "fucking you" puts me in mind of something like American Psycho but I'm sure that's more my issue than Christina's).

For some reason Christina is insistent on releasing unimaginative songs about getting dick in her when all she really needs to do is what should be coming naturally to her, and that's opening her mouth and fucking singing. Her voice should really be enough, she doesn't need to cheapen herself constantly especially given that she's released songs like The Voice Within, Can't Hold Us Down and Hurt which actually have a message that speaks to people. Even her more sexual songs like Dirrty or Candyman were still more tongue-in-cheek than this Your Body nonsense which just comes across as desperate in my opinion.

The song isn't that bad but it's the sort of thing that would crop up on Rihanna's Talk That Talk album and be described as filler, and never get a music video or be performed live. It's simply not worthy of re-launching the careers of one of the most supremely talented ladies in the industry today.

Thankfully, it doesn't look like she's going to be trying any attention-seeking gimmicks on the set of the video to get the song noticed...



...aaaaand her hair is pink.

YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS, XTINA.

And that's your lot.
Laters!
x

Thursday, 23 August 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Shall I cut the small talk and get straight to Prince Harry's nob? I thought so. Here's a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Prince Harry gets his arse out, still doesn't show our nation up as badly as Ed Sheeran in his fucking TRAINERS at the Olympics Closing Ceremony.


The saying goes: "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas". I know this because there is a film with Cameron Diaz in called What Happens In Vegas. It isn't my favourite Cameron Diaz film, that honour would probably go to Bad Teacher. Or perhaps In Her Shoes. OH OR THE HOLIDAY. I can't choose under this kind of pressure, and it's not exactly relevant to the story now, is it?

Obviously, however, for poor old Prince Harry who thought he could have some laddish fun on his holidays in Las Vegas, there was 0 chance of what happened actually staying in Vegas because by the time he was back in jolly old England there were photos of his bare arse all over the Internet and he'd essentially gone viral.

The photos seem to show Prince Harry and his mates playing a game of "strip billiards" with a group of naked strangers they'd reportedly met downstairs in the hotel bar before inviting upstairs. STRIP BLOODY BILLIARDS. Oh how the other half live, eh? I bet it would have been strip fucking polo if there'd been any horses available at short notice.

ENOUGH DESCRIBING- WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE PRINCE HARRY'S BARE ARSE WHILE HE PLAYS A GAME OF "STRIP BILLIARDS" BECAUSE EVEN HIS NAKED GAMES ARE STILL POSHER THAN MOST OF OUR FULLY CLAD ONES?:


Obviously that is a slightly censored version, but if you wanna have a quick peek at the uncensored version AND FRANKLY WHY WOULDN'T YOU'RE NOT RELATED TO HIM ARE YOU (and if you are then hello your highness I do hope you're enjoying the blog) then you can click this (obviously NSFW) link here.

And if what you really want is to see a member of the Royal Family cupping his cock and balls while an apparently naked woman hides behind him then look no further than right here:


Slightly makes all that business with those sold photos of Prince William and Kate Middleton on the beach look a tiny bit silly now, doesn't it?

2. He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious??


If you're someone like Avril Lavigne, constantly criticised for making music that gets on everyone's tits and makes a mockery of the music industry then are you going to sit on your arse and let other people's comments upset you? NO YOU BLOODY ARE NOT, APPARENTLY YOU'RE GOING TO GET OFF YOUR BACKSIDE AND MARRY SOMEONE PEOPLE THINK IS AN EVEN BIGGER TWAT THAN YOU ARE. 

That's right, folks, it was announced today that 27-year-old teenager Avril Lavigne is engaged to the frontman of rock group Nickelback, Chad Kroeger. Apparently the couple grew close initially after co-writing a song together for Avril's upcoming fifth album.

Despite the ten-year age gap between them (scandalous, eh?), the two announced today that they were going to be getting married after six months of "dating". She obviously didn't feel like saying "see you l8r boi" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Do you get it?

Because she sang that song. Where a girl said "see you l8r boi". To a "sk8r boi".

Well done, Daniel.

3. Zayn Malik decides to leave Twitter, but continues to be really fit so good for him.


Second-oldest-and-therefore-second-most-acceptable-to-fancy member of boyband One Direction, Zayn Malik has upset his fans the world over by deciding to throw the towel in with regards to his Twitter account.

According to Zayn himself, shortly before deleting his account, he was "sick of all the useless opinions and hate I get daily". I completely understand where he's coming from, but if I stopped doing things just because I was getting "hate" on a daily basis, I'd never leave the house.

Mentalist Fans of One Direction weren't prepared to take this news lying down though and immediately got #ComeBackZayn and #ZaynComeBack trending, with distraught users begging to get their beloved idol back online. Of course, the whole thing was a waste of time. He wasn't going to see it, was he? Cos he deleted his Twitter. Idiots.

I personally am not sure I could ever delete my Twitter. On a recent holiday to Corfu with my boyfriend and two friends of mine, I was given a taste of life without Internet connection. It was all going well until my friends...became too busy to give me the attention I needed. And then, in the ultimate betrayal, my boyfriend decided to take a nap.

A nap that very nearly ended our relationship.

During this dark time I recorded my thoughts in a Word document. Here, uncensored for the first time, are those thoughts:




Dark times indeed.

Oh and by the way, my favourite Cameron Diaz film is actually There's Something About Mary. And there's definitely something about her, she's got spunk in her hair.

Aye that's it
Bye!
x

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

If you thought yesterday's blog was mildly diverting then YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW MILDLY DIVERTING YET, BOYS AND GIRLS. Strap on your safety harnesses because it's time for a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Mariah Carey gets the worst phone call since Janine from Chlamydia UK rang me the other day for "a chat" (seriously though I do not have chlamydia) (honest).


It seems that as long as there have been TV reality shows, there have been rumours that Mariah Carey would be judging on them. I just feel like at some point or another she's been linked to all of them at some point or another- a bit like when Cheryl Cole was meant to be on US X Factor, then it turned out she wasn't, then it turned out she was but then Simon Cowell ended up sailing her down the river in the name of light entertainment only to then offer the consolation prize of Kelly Rowland's place on the UK panel to her replacement, Nicole Scherzinger. All very complicated, eh?

Thankfully for Mariah, though, she was finally CONFIRMED as the replacement for Jennifer Lopez on the new season of American Idol after she and Steven Tyler announced they were throwing in the Coca-Cola sponsored towel earlier this year. It was all looking good for Mariah, she was going to be the token female judge sandwiched between Randy Jackson and an unnamed third judge on the upcoming season. All eyes were going to be on her, and America would be hers for the taking when she released her On The Floor-esque comeback single.

Or so she thought.

The story goes that Mariah Carey received a phone call from producers to tell her that my former favourite person in the world Nicki Minaj would be joining her on the panel. Mariah was reportedly so enraged at the news that she HUNG UP THE PHONE.

UHMAZING.

I must admit I'm quite surprised to hear that Mariah was not such a fan of sharing the limelight with Nicki Minaj, although perhaps there isn't enough room behind one table for Randy, Mariah, Nicki and her hundreds of alter egos, each one "quirkier" than the last. The two of them even collaborated way back at the start of Nicki's career on a PRETTY GOSH DARNED AMAZING SONG called Up Out My Face which you can listen to by casting your eyes slightly downwards and clicking play. If you need to be convinced, there is a marching band at one point. If that doesn't persuade you, nothing will:


You see?? Nicki Minaj was capable of doing a half-decent rap once upon a time.

So, according to rumours, since the news broke Mariah Carey hasn't been off the phone to Lenny Kravitz (I, too, always turn to Lenny in a crisis) begging him to take the job instead. He'd certainly be more qualified for the job seeing as how he's a musical legend whereas Nicki Minaj- despite being an undeniable icon in the 2012 music scene- can actually barely sing a note in tune.

Then again, when has that mattered..?

2. Cheryl Cole is ready to earn her cougar stripes (do cougars actually have stripes?) (no, no they do not) (tigers do, though) (they're grrrrrrrrrrrrreat).


PHWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR.

So anyway, during them Olympics what happened a few weeks ago Geordie princess Cheryl Cole was tweeting her support for Team GB, including a cheeky tweet to bronze medal winner Tom Daley asking if he'd be able to teach her how to dive. He replied that he was too busy shagging me morning noon and night so she'd have to fuck off and find her own man or I'd do to her what she did to that toilet attendant he would love to, and that the two would have to direct message each other and set something up.

This was brilliant news to me, because at least if Tom Daley was going to be going out with someone who wasn't me, it would at least be a fellow Geordie. And good on Cheryl for following in the footsteps of Jennifer Lopez, Madonna and the slightly less A-list Caroline Flack and shagging a younger man.

However, unfortunately for poor old Cheryl, in an interview with Heat magazine Tom said that he simply doesn't have the stones to ask her on a romantic date, even though he does have her calendar on his wall so he's "used to seeing her" in a state of undress.

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE. Could you imagine if Tom Daley was my boyfriend and he took me to EVENTS and stuff and people could ask me how proud I was of him and I could be like "OH HE'S MY ROCK I COULDN'T BE PROUDER" and the two of us could become this amazing power couple and slowly I could start getting interviewed by OK! magazine and eventually end up with guest spots on 8 Out Of 10 Cats and Celebrity Juice and whatnot and then eventually we could have this amazing showbiz wedding and the press'll be fighting over themselves for photos and he'd give this amazing speech about how even though he only won bronze in London 2012 he truly got the gold medal when he found me.

Oh....yes....I love my boyfriend.

3. LADY GAGA HAS DYED HER HAIR BROWN.


Yup. I just summed it up in one sentence. Yet the chances are if you follow Lady GaGa on Twitter, you'll be aware she is under the impression it is the biggest news since the moon-landing all them years ago.

It's not. It's brown hair.

Build a bridge, GaGa. And get over it.

That's your lot.
Thanks, laters!
x

Monday, 20 August 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


If you're reading this because you enjoy reading my take on the goings-on in Celeb Land then thanks very much. 'Preciate it. Enjoy this: a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Somebody throws urethra juice at Cher Lloyd.


It’s fair to say that ever since Cher Lloyd stepped onto that X Factor stage to audition two years ago, she has been dividing people’s opinions like no one’s business. While some people appreciated Cher’s plucky attitude and unique take on songs, others thought she was a bell-end.

And then there’s that bastard Katie Weasel Twitter account who’d rather make two-year-old jokes about the fact Cher Lloyd is a gypsy between tweets about Caroline Flack having sex with Harry Styles.



SIDES! SPLIT! CALL! DOCTOR!

So anyway, it didn’t get any better for Cher Lloyd when X Factor finished, particularly after she released Swagger Jagger, arguably the most ridiculous debut single anyone has ever tried to launch a career with. The thing is, while she does have something of a cocky nature, it’s very easy to forget that Cher Lloyd is still a teenager and shouldn’t really have to deal with people old enough to know better constantly berating her and making fun of her, whether they like her music or not.

The whole thing exploded this weekend when the poor lass was booked in to perform at V Festival  and hadn’t even finished her first song before the behaviour of the crowd got too much for her and she left without finishing her set. First off, people started booing her which- let’s face it- isn’t nice. Thing is: it’s a festival. If you don’t want to sit through Cher Lloyd, there is bound to be someone you actually want to sit through. Or you could go and get a hot dog, couldn’t you?

IT SEEMS THAT THE PEOPLE IN THE CROWD DIDN’T WANT A HOT DOG THOUGH. 

What they did want, in a shock twist, was to throw a glass bottle filled with their own piss at a teenage girl. Right. Cher Lloyd’s music isn’t for everyone. In fact, at times it can be bloody annoying. But is the answer to all of life’s grievances to throw piss at them? Surely this kind of thing is unacceptable?

If you’re walking down the street and someone’s wearing ugly leggings you don’t lob a bottle of piss at them, do you? If the girl in McDonald’s accidentally gives you a medium fries instead of a large, you don’t yank the cap off her head and fill it with your excrement, do you? If the boy sitting opposite you on the metro is listening to his headphones a bit too loud you don’t stick your finger down your throat and shower him in your projectile vomit until he gets the message and turns it down, DO YOU?

So to everyone on Twitter who thinks the whole thing is a laugh: it isn’t. Cher Lloyd has literally just turned 19 years old. She’s just getting up and doing what she’s always wanted to do. If you don’t like it: go and get a hot dog. Piss is not the answer.

2. Justin Bieber is aware that his fans are proper batshit mental.


We’ve all had a run-in with a disgruntled, crazed stan on Twitter at some point, haven’t we? Because of the nature of my tweets, my abuse mostly comes from fans of C-list celebrities. If you’re looking for an example, this weekend I was told to “piss off” by a fan of Coleen Nolan after I reminded everyone she once announced that she was against gay couples being parents.

However, while “Little Monsters” and “Directioners” do put out a solid effort, it’s pretty much unanimous that fans of Justin Bieber, or “Beliebers” as they call themselves (or, indeed, “fucking nuisances” as the rest of us call them) are the most frightening fan-base of them all. If you want to see just how frightening they are for yourself, type the words “Justin Drew Bieber” into the “search” box on Twitter and the chances are you’ll be confronted with something as unsettling as this...


...Or even this...


It seems even Biebs himself is a little bit afraid of his fans, as he revealed this week he thinks his fans are “crazier than anyone else’s fans”. While we’re speaking of Justin Bieber and people who are crazy, he’s also been quoted recently as saying that the paparazzi do “crazy things” in order to try and get his photo including hiding in his rubbish bin or TRASH CAN as he would say.

And he’s not wrong, either. This picture taken outside of Justin’s house shows one of the grouchier photographers in his regular hiding spot:


3. I wouldn't expect a Spice Girls re-union any time soon.


So the Olympics happened? Good, wasn’t it?

OK, so truthfully I don’t know how good or bad the Olympics were, I legitimately didn’t watch a damn thing and when in 30 years my children ask how I spent London 2012 I’ll be forced to explain to them I spent most of it pissed on my own home-made cocktails or pining for my long-distance boyfriend in Texas.

What I did catch, however, was the closing ceremony which was such a spectacle that I was actually put in Twitter jail for the first time since Cheryl Cole performed Fight For This Love on The X Factor. It was all going on, like, wasn’t it? Kate Bush building up everyone’s hopes by recording a new version of Running Up That Hill only to go “you know what, I’m not going to bother if that’s alright”. Russell Brand randomly showing up for a performance of one of The Beatles’s most frightening odes to psychedelia. And who could forget Ed Sheeran rolling straight out of bed to represent us as a nation.


FOR FUCKS SAKE ED SHEERAN YOU BORING TOSSER YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST RUN A BRUSH THROUGH THAT HAIR BEFORE YOU STEPPED UP ON STAGE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE WORLD IN YOUR MUSTY HOODIE AND YOUR OLD TRAINERS. Seriously, can you imagine what Ed Sheeran’s mother will have said to him when he revealed to her what he was planning to wear at the OLYMPIC CLOSING CEREMONY. Carole would have a fit.

The stars of the show, however, were OF COURSE the Spice Girls. Rumours had been circulating for months that the girls would be re-uniting for the performance (which was amazing) but anyone hoping for a full-on Spice comeback could be waiting for a long time as it’s been revealed Victoria Beckham’s only condition for her participation in the performance would be that the other girls stopped putting pressure on her to get the band back together.

UHMAZING.

Does anyone else have hilarious images of Victoria Beckham checking her voicemail only to find it full of pleading messages from an attention-starved Geri Haliwell, including a couple left from Emma Bunton’s phone to try and throw Victoria off the scent.

It seems the rest of the group are a little bit pissed off with Victoria’s reluctance to be a Spice Girl again, with them posting this picture on Twitter of the four of them together at the official Olympics after-party which Victoria decided not to attend...



...which speaks almost as loudly as this photo....


...Oh dear.

Meanwhile, during Mel B’s stint on the first episode of the new season of X Factor over the weekend she suggested, through the medium of Spice Girls dolls left on her dressing room table by THAT OL' JOKER Louis Walsh (not in a “show us on the doll where Mel C touched you” way, though, FEAR NOT SPICE FANS) that perhaps a re-union without Victoria could be on the cards. 

If they’re looking for a replacement, there was a stand-out dancer in the crowd who I’m sure would be more than willing:



Boris Johnson, ladies and gentlemen.

Don't forget, folks, if you fancy following me on Twitter I'm here @sillyolddaniel
Laters!
x