Wednesday, 30 May 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I tell you what- it's bloody hot out there, innit? After spending the past few weeks whinging about being back up North, it's much easier to appreciate the real beauty of my home city of Newcastle when the sun is out, and I've had some lovely days the past week seeing some beautiful people and MOST IMPORTANTLY working on my tan which, thanks to the fact I am utterly unemployed and have nothing to do but sunbathe and go shopping in vest-tops, is quite enviable if I do say so myself.

I don't know about you but I think it's time for a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup where I dissect the past few days of celebrity gossip and try and be a bit funny and DARE I SAY IT irreverent about it all, but mostly come across looking like a bit of a bitch. NEVS MIND, EH?

1. Cheryl Cole did a thing and got people talking.

Underground indie songstress Cheryl Cole made quite the comeback performance on The Voice over the weekend, after a lengthy break following on from getting kicked in the tits by Simon Cowell over all that American X Factor judging business.

The performance itself, of her newest single Call My Name which was produced by man-of-the-moment and occasional wearer-of-pineapples-on-his-head Calvin Harris, managed to get a lot of people talking, largely due to the grand entrance Cheryl made. Rather than a more traditional "oh hiya I'm just walking on and singing a little ditty, don't mind me", wor Chezza made a more unorthodox appearance choosing to "do a Pocahontas" and leap down into the arms of some rather buff men who were waiting at the bottom for her.

I swear, now I've seen Cheryl do that, I am never taking the stairs again.

However, the performance wasn't without its controversy, as many critics noted the irony that Cheryl had chosen to completely mime her performance of the song on a show that boasts that "it's all about the voice". Saying that, I don't know how much about "the voice" The Voice actually is, as I couldn't have less interest in it if truth be told.

Having said that, Cheryl's management then kicked up a right fuss and said that she'd actually sang live which is all well and good but is also clearly not true as if you watch the performance yourself (which you can if you cast your eyes ever so slightly downwards) you can see it's quite obvious she's miming but at the same time she's still dancing to a bloody high standard so until she's putting on a performance as lacklustre as this and still not singing then there's no problem in my eyes.

If you'd like to watch the performance yourself then I grant you the ability to do so here:

Good fringe, right?

2. Justin Bieber lamps somebody in the face.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I feel bloody sorry for Justin Bieber. The lad is 18 years old and wherever he goes, whatever he does, he's under constant media scrutiny. What makes it worse is that the poor lad can't even log onto his Twitter page without the world and his wife randomly sending him abuse. Making fun of him. Sending him hate. Occasionally joking about him being dead. And why?

"Cos he sang that Baby song and it was quite annoying".

Well no, I don't think he deserves it. The guy is still a teenager, he is allowed to make some mistakes that he will maybe cringe about later on. I do not believe that you reading this will be proud of every single thing you did when you were 18 years old. THIS IS WHAT I LOOKED LIKE AGED 18, FOR HEAVENS SAKE:


The difference between myself at 18 and Justin Bieber, other than the fact he could buy and sell me, is the fact that he can't do a simple task without having a camera shoved in his face. Really, that's not very fair is it? It's hard to argue for the privacy of someone like Kim Kardashian who insists her whole life is captured- [genital] warts and all- on camera. But all Justin Bieber did was upload some videos onto YouTube when he was, like, 14. And it all snowballed from there.

Therefore, it's kind of understandable that Justin Bieber might not be totally in the mood for having a paparazzi shove his lens in his face. Sometimes he might just want to go for ice cream. Go bowling. Be 18 years old. It seems like some people are determined to make that difficult for him, though, such as a paparazzo today who was out taking photos of Justin on a date with his girlfriend Selena Gomez.

It seems this photographer might have overstepped the mark and apparently refused to move his parked car so that Justin and Selena could drive off. It's then that it seems The Biebster lost his cool and ended up clocking the photographer in the face.

It seems it isn't going to end there, though, as the photographer ended up calling 911 (COS IT HAPPENED IN AMERICA, YOU SEE) and being treated for chest pains and a strike to the face. It seems that police could now be questioning Justin as he's been named a suspect in a misdemeanour battery case.

Clearly this idiot photographer has been watching too many "where there's blame there's a claim" adverts.

For my personal favourite footage of a celebrity attacking a reporter, let's look no further than this clip of Björk in Thailand...


3. Madonna gets herself knocked off Lady GaGa.

OK, some of the people in this story aren't very famous so I'll do my best to try and bring everyone up to speed.

During those golden years known as the 1980s, this singer came out called Madonna. Weird name, right? Everyone thought she was going to be a one-hit wonder novelty act, because most of her songs were quite simplistic and her fashion sense was a bit weird. It turned out she was anything but a one-hit wonder novelty act, and she ended up having a career that lasted 25 years. She became known as something of a chameleon, and her reign as Queen of Pop remained unchallenged.


A few years ago this other singer came out whose name was Lady GaGa. Weird name, right? Everyone thought she was going to be a one-hit wonder novelty act, because most of her songs were quite simplistic and her fashion sense was a bit weird. It turned out that, like Madonna before her, Lady GaGa was a woman who seemed to have a bit of longevity in her career.

And that was that.

Suddenly comparisons to Madonna were relentless. Madonna fans accused Lady GaGa of copying off their idol. Lady GaGa fans simply said there was a new Queen of Pop and they were just jealous. It all grew quite ugly.

Sensing there was trouble in The Land Of The Gays, and possibly fearing making an enemy of Lady GaGa would be unwise, GaGa and Madonna decided to put up a united front, sending up their supposed rivalry in an utterly tedious Saturday Night Live skit and being nothing but lovely about each other in interviews.

Then Lady GaGa released the first single from her latest album. The single in question, in case you aren't familiar with GaGa's work, was called Born This Way. It was clear to anyone with functioning ears that the song was massively influenced by the work of Madonna, particularly her single Express Yourself.

However, by this time Lady GaGa had assembled herself an army of the dregs of society misfits called "little monsters" who would blindly follow anything she said. The "little monsters" didn't take kindly to their idol being accused of referencing Madonna's work (even though most people would argue the song was a bit of a ripoff) and they began attacking Madonna.

And that was when Madonna finally started addressing the comparisons between herself and Lady GaGa. AND THEN THIS QUITE BIG THING HAPPENED:

While Lady GaGa herself is still maintaing that any comparisons between Born This Way and Express Yourself are "retarded" (not my words), Madonna has gone the other way and it's been reported that on her upcoming MDNA tour which opens in Israel (of course) tomorrow, she'll be performing a mash-up of her song Express Yourself followed by a portion of GaGa's Born This Way. As if that wasn't enough of an obvious dig, she tops it off with a few lines of her song She's Not Me from her last album Hard Candy, where she berates a man for going out with a girl who seemingly wants to be her.

If that seems like something you might like to hear for yourself, check out rehearsal footage here:


Rumours whether or not GaGa will be updating the Born This Way Ball to include a Just Dance/Evacuate The Dance Floor segment is still undecided.

That is it, folks.

Thursday, 24 May 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I've officially been back in England for three weeks now, and things are starting to feel like they're getting back to normal. So much so that I am actually going to be back on Pride Radio this weekend, for the first time in 2012. So if what is essentially an audio version of this blog is something you think you might be interested in, then you can tune in this Sunday at 2pm. In fact tune in any time you like, it is usually definitely worth a listen regardless of who's presenting, but if what you specifically want is my dulcet tones then I shall repeat THIS SUNDAY AT 2PM. HERE.

MEANWHILE if you thought THAT was exciting, wait till you hear what this bunch of celebrity bell ends have been up to in an all-new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Geri Haliwell isn't giving up yet.

What do you think, folks: is former Geri Haliwell going to let a little thing like the fact no one's paid the blindest bit of attention to her since the Spice Girls re-union tour 5 years ago stop her from trying to get her name in the newspaper? Of course she bloody isn't.

In fact the singer, who once frantically locked herself in producer Richard X's car until he would let her record the song Some Girls as her comeback single (it, of course, ended up going to Rachel Stevens only for it to become her signature song), was out in full force in Liverpool yesterday, promoting her appearance as a guest judge on the upcoming series of The X Factor.

Following the departure of Kelly "Sick Day" Rowland who decided sitting on a panel with Louis Walsh was only worth doing once when you're mates with Beyoncé, the singer is yet to be permanently replaced as a judge. 

While the aforementioned Louis Walsh will be returning along with Tulisa and Gary Barlow, it's been decided that for the audition stages of the competition a series of guest judges will stand in, reportedly including Rod "Hot Rod" Stewart and Robbie Williams.

At yesterday's auditions, Geri made a grand entrance by climbing on top of a parked vehicle and addressing the waiting crowds with a megaphone. This was most likely to let them know exactly who she is, as when she guest judged on X Factor two years ago she ended up being booed by a bewildered crowd, many of whom were too young to remember her glory days in Spice Girls.


Current rumours seem to indicate that Geri will eventually be instated as a full-time judge on the upcoming series, which would seem to show a pattern in Simon Cowell employing sufferers of "crazy bitch syndrome" following on from Britney Spears and Demi Lovato.

2. Chris Brown has got a new mate.

I tell you what, for someone who goes on about what a nobhead Chris Brown is I can't quite seem to stop mentioning him, can I? If this were the playground, I could easily be accused of actually having a crush on him. Unfortunately, I've learned over time that having a crush on Chris Brown can occasionally lead to him smashing your face in, and then complaining when people seem to hang on to a violent image of him, so I can tell you now that this is not the case.

Someone who seems to dislike Chris Brown a lot less than me is pretty much everyone in the world because he is horrible occasional singer and OK! magazine staple Peter Andre who tweeted that he'd been hanging out with Breezy in a studio in Los Angeles. While apparently the two of them didn't actually collaborate (thank Christ), Pete did post this picture of the two of them having a whale of a time on his Twitter feed:

Jesus wept.

Reportedly after posting the picture, Peter was inundated with tweets saying "what a pair of tits", the first time he had heard this expression without it referring to his ex-wife.

Do you get it?

She had massive knockers.


3. Things are happening within that band I like.

After reporting that they were back in the studio recording new material, it seems like it's full steam ahead for that collective of human females we've come to know and love under the name of Girls Aloud.

Kimberley Walsh, who I'll admit has taken some unfair grief from me in the past simply because she's the dullest of all dull dullards (soz Kimbo), performed for the final time this week in Shrek: The Musical where she'd been playing the role of Princess Fiona. Has she decided not to continue with her acting career to make more time for the Girls Aloud re-union? For the sake of this blog let's say yes she has.

As a treat for her last performance, Kimberley was no doubt thrilled when her girls came out to see her and pictures of them together appeared online, such as this one where she is with bandmates Nicola Roberts and Sarah Harding:

Fellow Girls Aloud star Cheryl Cole also surprised Kimberley by showing up to support her friend in her last night onstage:

Cheryl had been photographed at the Cannes Film Festival earlier that day, as part of her role as spokeswoman for hair giants L'Oreal. Cheryl has a cameo role as a reality TV judge in new pregnancy-themed comedy What To Expect When You're Expecting. However, it seemed she'd let the message of the film go to her head and had chosen an outfit that paid tribute to fertility itself by dressing up as a bloody tampon on the red carpet:

Oh dear.

The more observant among you may have realised this is not a complete Girls Aloud set, and may be wondering where Nadine Coyle was during all this:


Aaaaaaaand that's that.

Sunday, 20 May 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Since I've come back to blogging, whole twos of threes of people have told me how nice it is to once again read the celebrity-oriented bile I spew out on a semi-regular basis again. Good news if you're one of those people, celebrities are once again DOING THINGS and therefore, since it's Sunday and I've got a while before Kate comes to pick me up for our romantic date (not really, I am, of course, a giant homosexual) I'm going to do a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup and comment on those aforementioned THINGS that those celebrities have been DOING...

1. The inevitable has happened.

Oh, Great British Public. I tried to warn you that voting for Matt Cardle on The X Factor 2010  was a complete waste of a vote (much like voting for Nick Clegg-- BIT OF POLITICAL HUMOUR FOR YOU THERE, FOLKS), as he would win the competition, act like an entitled twat for a while, release a tedious album of mid-tempo guitar anthems aimed at an audience of people who'd rather listen to One Direction and Cher Lloyd and inevitably be dropped when SURPRISE SURPRISE it doesn't sell.

WELL CALL ME MYSTIC MEG, FOLKS because in today's newspapers the news broke that Matt and his record label boss Simon Cowell have decided to part ways professionally, choosing not to renew his contract to record a second album after his debut Letters essentially went down like a cup of cold sick.

This means that the only actual winners of The X Factor to still be involved with Simon Cowell's SyCo record label are Leona Lewis (whose most recent single, a cover of Nine Inch Nails's Hurt only lasted one week inside the UK top 40) and Little Mix (who are yet to release one single). Simon does ironically still manage Rebecca Ferguson, One Direction and Cher Lloyd, all of whom finished lower  in the competition than Matt in the same year he was winner. Ouch.

I'm not being funny but does anyone else predict some Steve Brookstein-esque anti-Cowell rants on Matt Cardle's Twitter page in the upcoming weeks? Dearie me.

For those who are saddened by the news, I vote we take a trip down memory lane and remember the best Cardle moment in history: when he accidentally walloped mentor Dannii Minogue in the face.


2. Madonna has a present for Chris Brown (unfortunately this is not sarcastic or ironic, she genuinely does).

Hey-ey-ey, yay-ay-ay, she's like a girl gone wild, a good girl gone wild.


No they are not.

So. It's safe to say that the MDNA era is not going as well as Madonna might have hoped for when she first sat down in 2011 and said "if I can get Nicki Minaj on the lead single it's an inevitable number 1" (no it is not, Madonna, clearly). While the album itself managed to shoot to the top of the chart as soon as it was released, it more or less vanished without a trace in the following weeks which is a bit of a shame when you've got a world tour to promote, isn't it?

Album producer William Orbit, who worked with Madonna on Ray Of Light, Music and her most recent output (as well as producing for artists such as P!nk, Beck and Katie Melua) (don't hold that Katie Melua thing against him, though), was interviewed this week and claims that lack of studio time was to blame for the bad performance of the album.

He went on to claim that some of the more "breathtaking" songs he had prepared for Madonna were not able to be recorded due to lack of time. The good news, according to William Orbit, is that we'll be able to hear these songs sooner than we think. The bad news, however, is that they've been given to Chris Brown and we'll be able to hear them on his upcoming album.

EXCELLENT STUFF! Chris Brown is going to be storming to the top of the charts with songs that should have been hits for Madonna. Goodie goodie gumdrops.

3. Will Smith is bloody raging at someone.

Will Smith, eh? What a top dude. Good old reliable Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Will Smith. Loyal husband, devoted father, Will Smith. Musician, actor, family man, Will Smith. Wouldn't hurt a fly, eh?

WELL IT SEEMS THAT IN A SHOCK TWIST HE WOULD, INDEED, HURT A FLY. Or more specifically in this case, he would hurt a human. You see, good old Will Smith was at the premier of his latest heap of shite film endeavour Men In Black 3 in Moscow when Ukranian reporter Vitalii Sediuk attempted to give him a little kiss. It seems that naughty old Vitalii is something of a prankster, who often tries to kiss celebrities among other pranks.

However, after getting a kiss on each cheek (OF HIS FACE FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES- CERTAINLY NOT HIS ARSE CHEEKS IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE IMAGINING) it seems Will didn't care for Vitalii Sediuk's little prank and instead GAVE HIM A BACK-HANDER AND STORMED OFF (which, incidentally, is exactly what happened to me at the Justin Bieber Never Say Never premier) (I'm obviously kidding) (or am I?) (nar man I am).

He was then heard muttering "He tried to kiss me on my mouth...he's lucky I ain't sucker punch him". That's poor grammar, Will Smith. Poor grammar. He then embarrassingly realised he was still being filmed and laughed it off, saying, "Oh sorry, I said that on camera".

To watch the whole sorry escapade on video, then cast your eyes slightly downward:


That's all for now.
Don't forget if you think this is funny you can follow me on Twitter here, you lucky ducks.

Saturday, 19 May 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

It's the weekend everyone. Throw some confetti. Turn up that bass. Fire a glitter cannon. Swig that Smartprice gin. Take your top off. Hug a dwarf. Let a llama wander casually around your kitchen. Let it out, who cares you don't have work tomorrow do you? Forget about revision, forget about your boss, forget that the man you're in love with lives 5000 miles away-- get reading my all new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup, looking on the silly side of the newest celebrity stories, and thank fuck it's the weekend. You've worked hard enough, now kick back and have a laugh at this...

1. Donna Summer has unfortunately died.

Sorry did I just say "kick back and have a laugh at this"? Apologies for that.

Yes, it is a terrible shame that Queen of Disco Donna Summer passed away yesterday morning after a lengthy struggle with cancer. She was just 63 years old.

I tell you what it is, Donna Summer was bloody brilliant. Without wanting to sound all cliché and insincere and what not, but she genuinely did define the disco era, and the golden Studio 54 sound of the 1970s, it's a real shame we've lost such an icon.

This is possibly not the most appropriate of songs to post in memoriam of someone, but it is my favourite Donna Summer song so let's remind ourselves what made her such a legend:

Rest in peace, Donna Summer.

2. 50 Cent has made a half-arsed attempt at seeming like he isn't a total cock.

And so from the woman who sang MacArthur Park to a man who can only be described as a MacArsehole Park (sometimes I think I am simply too funny). It's always a delight when 50 Cent opens his mouth to discuss homosexuality (let's not forget that time he tweeted that if you don't like "pussy" you should "kill yourself, damn it" in the midst of all those gay teenage suicides last year), and today he's at it again.

However, despite once HILARIOUSLY referring to a planned tour between Lady GaGa and Kanye West as "the gay tour" (that joker), it seems this time 50 Cent has actually come out in favour of the homosexual lifestyle, following in the footsteps of Barack Obama and Jay-Z, who both announced their support of same-sex marriage in America recently.

When asked about the issue, 50 Cent was quoted as saying that he wants couples to be happy regardless of their gender, he then bewilderingly says that he's "encouraged same-sex activities" in the past. Now, I'm not being funny 50 Cent. I don't want to sound ungrateful for your support of my lifestyle because, frankly, when I first came out it wasn't the approval of my parents that really frightened me, it was the thought that the guy behind In Da Club would not approve of my love of cock.

But really, paying two of your "bitches" a hundred dollars each to make out in your hot-tub (which is the only thing I can imagine he means when he says that he's "encouraged same-sex activities") does not make you a gay rights activist.

Still, at least he's not telling anyone to kill themselves this time, which is always an improvement if we're being honest.

3. Cheryl Cole has said something stupid.

And finally for today, if you thought that 50 Cent's "I've encouraged same-sex activities" was a fucking stupid quote, wait till you hear the latest pearl of wisdom from Geordie princess Cheryl Cole, during a promotional interview for her latest Calvin Harris-produced single Call My Name.

When talking about the recent collaboration between her "girl crush" Rihanna and her violent ex-boyfriend Chris Brown, Cheryl told In:Demand that she found it really kind of Rihanna to forgive Chris Brown for violently attacking her, biting her and hitting her so hard that her mouth filled up with blood, only for them to later team up and sing a song about touching her vagina with his mouth area.

As if that wasn't enough to make you cry out OH GOOD GOD CHERYL PLEASE DON'T SAY ANYMORE PLEASE DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD ON THE SUBJECT GO BACK TO FLOGGING SHAMPOO AND TELLING US WE'RE WORTH IT, Cheryl had some more to say, explaining that she actually thinks it's about time we all forgave Chris Brown, citing the fact she works (as part of her Cheryl Cole foundation) constantly with people who've "made mistakes" in their past when they were young and ended up being outstanding citizens.

She rounded it all off by stating she feels it's time we all moved on" because Chris Brown is "talented as hell".

Oh Cheryl. Cheryl Cheryl Cheryl.

I understand and appreciate that you don't want to look like a hypocrite, but there are massive differences between Chris Brown and yourself. For one thing, after that whole toilet attendant business (which it was proven in court was not a racist attack so let's not go down that road) Cheryl actually acted like she was sorry. Like she was ashamed of what she did. On the occasions she talks about it now, 8 years later, she continues to act as if it was a mistake, something sordid in her past that she wishes she would undo. In other words, from what we can see, Cheryl Cole is a changed character. She is reformed.

What I'd say about Chris Brown is that from what he shows, he is still the entitled, violent, misogynist, and homophobic creep he always was. It's impossible to forgive Chris Brown at the minute, because he doesn't seem to be sorry for what happened. I don't believe he wouldn't undo it if he could, but then I genuinely think it would just be because of how damaging to his career the whole thing was.

So, to cut a long story short, Cheryl Cole wants to hush her mouth. And that's that.

Aye alright then I'm done.
If you're enjoying having me back then, you know, do tell your mates.

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I tell you what. It is nice to be blogging again. I'm starting to adjust much better to being home. However, I did discuss my recent heartbreak, and I'll tell you something, folks. The shock of it all, mixed with my feelings about being back in England following on from my year abroad, has led me into a very different lifestyle choice that I never thought I'd even have considered. But the good lord works in mysterious ways:

So...yeah. Time, I think, for an all new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...


Let's be honest, between Cheryl Cole chucking out yet another solo album with a little help from producer du jour Calvin HarrisKimberley Walsh treading the boards in Shrek and Nadine Coyle seemingly hating the rest of the lasses, things honestly could be going better for Girls Aloud, currently into the third year of their "year off". I, as I'm sure is the case for most Girls Aloud fans, had given up hope and put all my eggs in the Little Mix basket (I would say The Saturdays but let's be honest, this time next year there most likely won't be a The Saturdays to).

However, things took a turn for the highly optimistic when Nadine Coyle posted this on her Twitter account this week:

Oh sorry, I mean this:

As someone who's spent the past 7 months largely in the company of people who've never heard of or are utterly ambivalent towards Girls Aloud, let me explain what this tweet means. It means that Xenomania, the producer of every Girls Aloud single since their debut (as well as producing some amazing stuff for acts like Sugababes, Pet Shop Boys and Cher) is behind their re-union material. It means that Nadine Coyle, who is billed (at least in the press) as the member of Girls Aloud least willing to be involved in the band's re-union, is in the studio. Finally, it means that Girls Aloud are actually back. They are actually releasing some material. It's on.

If rumours are to be believed, the material's unveiling will co-incide with this year's Children In Need telethon, supposedly taking place in November, which would suggest the girls will be recording the official Children In Need single this year following in the footsteps of Spice Girls, JLS and, oddly, Girls Aloud themselves.

To anyone who doesn't think that the world needs more music from Girls Aloud, then you just listen to this:

Perfection. Bring on the new material.

2. Good news for deluded fans of the mentally ill...

So, as reported here on Silly Old Daniel (and, you know, every other website that has dealt with news- celebrity or otherwise- in the past 4 weeks) it was looking considerably likely that Britney Spears would be joining Simon Cowell and L.A. Reid as judges for the second series of the American X Factor airing later this year.

The news polarised some people: some (like myself) feared Britney wouldn't be up to the job either because of her mental state or, indeed, because she's simply uninteresting. Some fans of the singer didn't take kindly to being told the emperor was wearing no clothes (one tweeted me to tell me to "fuck off back to Le Mans or whatever dump I come from").

In fact, the news was a hundred percent true and Britney was confirmed as the third judge on the panel at the start of this week in a press conference in New York. More surprising was the news that the fourth judge on the panel was fellow Disney star, 19-year-old Demi Lovato.

Now I don't want to make light of mental illness, but come along now. Demi Lovato and Britney Spears on the same panel? Was Lindsay Lohan busy or something? Is there going to be some class of intervention when the show reaches the live stages or what?

All cynicism aside, let's be honest. This is probably going to be really good isn't it? Yes. Yes it is.

3. You will never bloody guess who's got a single coming out...

Well let's be honest, saying "you'll never bloody guess who's got a single coming out" and then posting a photo of Alex Reid somewhat narrows down the guessing game doesn't it? Posting a picture of Alex Reid only to reveal that, in fact, Amy Childs was releasing a single (which, let's be honest, is news that would surprise no one and will probably happen in the next 18 months) would be a bit of a white elephant, wouldn't it?

So, yes, the long and short of it is that Celebrity Big Brother winner, cage-fighter, cross-dresser and former husband of soul-eater Katie Price Alex Reid re-tweeted this shocking news yesterday:

And so it seems Alex Reid's debut single "Stardust" will be coming soon. It's been described as an uptempo summer anthem that will make us all feel good. How Alex will have time to promote the song while he's on tour with stripper-comedy Wildboyz with fellow A-listers Dale Howard and Danny Young (yes, really), not to mention supporting fiancée Chantelle Houghton during her pregnancy, which does seem to have been going on for a hundred years.

While any clips of the song are yet to be released, let's all just hope and pray that it's less of a heap-of-shite than this "effort" from his former partner:

Despite it all, I still really do fancy Alex Reid.

If you thought the Alex Reid single was unexpected news, wait till you hear who's unveiled themselves as the newest female rapper on the block. Following on from the recent success of acts like Nicki Minaj and Azealia Banks, Olympic gold medal-winner Serena Williams has released a clip of her upcoming rap single. Would you like to hear it? OF COURSE YOU WOULD:

It must be said: Serena Williams is not a bad rapper at all (despite the fact she does state at one point that "I cook the track up like a frozen pizza".


Well that's it for now.
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Saturday, 12 May 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Well. I'm still heartbroken. This is bad news for my Twitter followers who are being subjected to almost hourly updates of the most undignified drivel including "I am eating every carbohydrate I encounter to heal the pain" and "OH MY GOD LIFE HAS KICKED ME IN THE TITS". 

My suffering is good news for fans of my bitchy ranting, however, as I'm more bitter than ever- and if you include yourself in that group then put your feet up and get ready for me to vent my heartache the only way I know how- by being horrible about some celebrities in a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Rihanna worries everyone then makes a quick recovery.

So we all know Rihanna loves a bit of a drink and a dance. So much so she sang a song about it that one time, remember? To be honest I'd forgive you if you didn't remember it, it hardly set the charts alight and then a few weeks later she released We Found Love which, let's face it, slightly over-shadowed her previous few singles (and, indeed, every other single to ever be released that year).

However, it looks like her partying ways may well have landed her in a spot of bother if rumours are to be believed. Earlier in the week, Rihanna posted this frankly alarming picture on her Twitter account, which was presented without any context, of her seemingly lying in a hospital bed with a drip in her arm:

The Daily Mail claim that Rihanna's team are praying for her to go to rehab as her lifestyle seems to be "spiralling out of control", though the Daily Mail's definition of "spiralling out of control" probably involves a shot of vodka jelly, a bottle of VK and a quick dash to catch the last metro home, so they're hardly the experts on this sort of thing.

However, there could be some truth to the rumours as the night before RiRi had been posting pictures of herself and her mates enjoying on a night out (unfortunately not anywhere Boldon Pizza Hut where I myself was enjoying an evening with my dear friend Sophie) on her Instagram account. 

Can we just talk about Instagram for a minute? Because I have some serious beef with Instagram, which in my eyes is the most pointless mobile phone app in recent memory. Why would anyone buy a phone with the best camera going and then want to make their photos look like they were taken on a camera from 30 years ago? Do you know what it is-- if you want to make your pictures look like they were taken on a Polaroid camera then fucking buy a Polaroid camera. They are not very expensive and there is a truckload of them on eBay. But for the love of God don't take a perfectly nice photo of yourself and your friends and then DELIBERATELY MAKE IT LOOK SHIT. This is an utterly pointless exercise, and you just look like a tool.


So anyway, back to Rihanna. Thankfully, it seemed like she'd made a full recovery at the premier of Battleship which took place in LA. Better still, she managed to do a bit of leg-flashing that Angelina Jolie herself would be proud of:

You might even say she found leg in a hosiery-less place.

Oh. Dear.

2. If you're a Sex And The City fan, get ready for someone to piss all over the legacy of your favourite franchise.

You know me (actually I've been away a while, you might not know me at all. I might be completely new to you. Hello. My name's Daniel and I write about celebrities. I try to be nice but someone I love recently moved 5000 miles away so at the minute I'm taking it out on people more successful and good-looking than me), and you know how much I love Sex And The City. 

When I was living in France I had a poster of Sarah-Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw over my bed and a poster of Morrissey next to that, in the hope that while I was living in the city (Le Mans) I could become a fierce hybrid of the two. My friends and I have been known to apply lines from Sex And The City in our daily lives, much like people in days gone by would seek comfort in bible quotes. I have been known to make the font really big, open up a Word document and type out thought-provoking questions just to pretend I'm Carrie Bradshaw writing her column.

Unfortunately my beloved franchise has taken quite a hit as of late. First off there was the critically-panned Sex And The City 2 (I can't pretend I didn't love this film, though, and actually saw it three times when it was out at cinemas). Then came the abominable Carrie Diaries book, which saw our favourite New York writer reverting back to her teenage years. I read it on holiday last year in a couple of years. I was not impressed, and it takes a lot for something associated with Sex And The City to not impress me (unless, of course, you're talking about Kim Catrall's appearance in Crossroads which I like to pretend did not happen...)

You can imagine my distress when today it was announced that The CW (I'll admit I have not actually heard of this network but let's carry on OR CARRIE ON HOHOHO DO YOU GET IT BECAUSE THAT IS HER NAME) have officially commissioned a full series of The Carrie Diaries which will see teen actress Anna Sophia Robb playing a 16-year-old version of the role that Sarah-Jessica Parker made famous. If you're wondering why she might look familiar, let's take a look at where you probably saw her last:

And here it is again in Spanish:

Muy bien.

Watch this space, but my unfortunate prediction is that The Carrie Diaries will be una gran mierda.

3. Justin Bieber becomes more fanciable (and then says something ridiculous and immediately becomes less fanciable again).

Good news for fans of arguably-too-young-to-be-fit popstars (I'm looking at you, Harriet Johnson), it's never been more socially acceptable to fancy Justin Bieber. First off came the teaser for his latest single Boyfriend which, despite bewildering approval from some quite high-brow critics, I still think is a giant heap of shite. Mind you this is definitely worth a watch:

I love this clip for two reasons:

1. Justin Bieber looks fit in this FAR TOO SHORT clip.
2. Justin Bieber does a rap which mentions "fondue" in this clip.

The final video came online earlier last week and has already clocked up over 12 million views on YouTube, which if you ask me is pretty impressive for an act who the majority of people think is a bell-end despite not having any actual reason to think that other than the fact that a few young lasses fancy him and buy his records.

It seems that Justin Bieber is more determined than ever to show us that the kid Ludacris once playfully put in a headlock is gone, and that he's all grown up. HE EVEN HAS A BIG BOY SINGING VOICE NOW. For one thing HE'S DRIVING. Lucky bastard, more than I can do. He's then seen fondling a young lass who it must be said looks slightly like that lass he's boinking, otherwise known as Selena Gomez.

Frankly I could describe the video till the cows come home, but the last thing I want is udder prints on my mam's new settee, so I'll just let you watch it and save that bewildering turn of events, will I? Yes, I will:

Good hair, that.

As if The Biebster wasn't having enough of a good time, Justin succeeded elsewhere this week when he received his high-school diploma and kissed goodbye to education once and for all. Apparently were it left to himself, Justin would happily have dropped out of high school to concentrate on his music career, but it was in fact his mother who he decided to stick at the education system and graduate for.

In an interview with The Telegraph Justin talked about how he was happy to put education behind him. Did he discuss the important lessons he's gained as part of his education? Did he talk about how proud he was that he'd managed to succeed academically where thousands fail? No. Instead he said this:

"At school you have to do a lot of reading and writing. I'm really not into that stuff".

Not "into" reading and writing? Justin Bieber, you're one of the most influential people on the entire of planet Earth. You have over 21 million followers on Twitter (almost 7 times the population of Wales) hanging on your every word and waiting on you to tell them what to do- and what you tell them is that you're not "into" reading and writing.

I don't even know what to do with that quote, to be honest. Other than confirm what it seems the rest of the world have known for some time but for some reason I have been denying, and that is that Justin Bieber is clearly a moron.


On that note I'm going to bed.
Hope you're all enjoying having me back on the scene.

Thursday, 10 May 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I owe you all an apology. Actually it's not an apology, just an explanation. Basically, if you're wondering where I've been, I've been seeing someone amazing in France. When I wasn't working, laying around with my friends or getting off my face on bottles of wine which cost less than 3€, I was with him. I apologise that the time I had left over for blogging became smaller and smaller, and it was pushed to the bottom of my list of priorities.

So anyway, I'm back in the UK with a slightly revised attitude and, it must be said, a very much broken heart for the time being. This is good news for you though, my beloved readers, because the snarky gossip that has been missing from your life in the past months is about to make a return.

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup is back. Who knows, I may even post my "Top Singles Of 2011" list.

I wouldn't count on it though...

1. Britney Spears has no doubt had another career decision made on her behalf.

If you ask me, there just wasn't enough drama made about who would be judging on the American version of X Factor last year. There's nothing I loved hearing more than an unending revolving door of celebrities who'd be judging the "talent" alongside of Simon Cowell and L.A. Reid. It didn't make me want to show Simon Cowell the back of my hand even a little bit.

Thankfully for fans of X Factor drama such as myself (MAKE IT STOP WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE MAKE IT STOP), of the six people originally confirmed to be working on the American series (including Cheryl Cole, Nicole Scherzinger and Paula Abdul) only two of them will be returning for the second series. After being linked with a role on the panel for a few weeks now, it's more-or-less been confirmed that none other than Britney Jean Spears will become a judge when the show returns for its second season later this year.

Now I'm not being funny, but aside from being massively famous what will Britney Spears bring to the X Factor. I don't wish to be cruel but let's face it, the woman can barely string a sentence together unassisted let alone offering opinions or, worse yet, constructive criticism.

Which brings me onto my next point. If you had the voice of Leona Lewis, Alexandra Burke or even someone like Mary Byrne- how could you stand there and listen to someone like Britney Spears offer you tips on how you could improve your performance? Let's not forget that Britney's most recent tour gave us this performance of Madonna's Burning Up:

Were someone to give a performance as stilted as this on the X Factor, Simon Cowell would have a field day tearing them apart. At one point you can actually see Britney stop moving her lips along with her pre-recorded vocals and instead start mouthing her shopping list for the next day to herself.

And even if she were as amazing a performer as she was at the height of her popularity, the fact of the matter is that Britney Spears's brain is roughly 80% mush at this stage of the game, what performance advice is she likely to give other than:

1. That was, like, REALLY COOL.
2. You looked, like, so hot out there tonight.
3. That was totally cool.
4. You guys- that was awesssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzome.

What's worse is that Britney is apparently earning more than £9million to sit in her seat, drinking Pepsi, chewing obnoxiously on her chewing gum and agreeing with everything Simon Cowell tells her to say. MY ACTUAL LORD.

If I am wrong about this, then I apologise in advance. But can we honestly say we can see Britney Spears coming back for season 3 when her boss is Simon "Hires People Just To Sack Them" Cowell? WE SHALL SEE.

2. Meanwhile on that other TV show...

While the UK's own version of The Voice continues to be as dull as dishwater, it seems its American counterpart has recently become embroiled in its own drama thanks to mentors judges Christina Aguilera and Adam Levine.

It seems X-Tina (who really should be called X-Ina but that is neither here nor there) has been giving one of the contestants that Adam Levine has been mentoring a particularly hard time, and as a retaliation, Levine was lining him up to sing Jay-Z's 99 Problems as a thinly-veiled dig ("thinly-veiled dig"??? Have you heard me for fucks sake???") at Christina, however when Christina heard she complained to the network, who then told Adam he would have to change the word "bitch" in the song to "chick". FAIR ENOUGH IT'S A FAMILY SHOW AND ALL THAT.

Well that was it, Adam Levine was apparently so angered by that he stormed up to Christina and said she was the biggest "fucking cunt" going, which let's be honest is no way to talk to a woman of class, is it? He then stormed off set like a bloody big baby and refused to take part in rehearsals for the coaches' (not judges) group performance for the final which would be taking place later that night.

For some reason I just can't picture Jessie J and Sir Tom Jones at each others' throats like that, can you?

3. Chris Brown and Rihanna have fallen out.

Chris Brown appears to have upset his ex-victimgirlfriend Rihanna so much with a rap he recently recorded and put online that they are no longer speaking. You'd think hitting her so hard that her mouth filled up with blood would have done it, but it seems this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

The two appeared to have reconciled after they released a remix duet to Rihanna's song Birthday Cake earlier this year, controversially featuring the lyric "I know you wanna bite this" which is exactly what Chris Brown tried to do to Rihanna when he attacked her back in 2009.

However, it would appear their new-found friendship was short-lived thanks to the lyrics of Chris Brown's latest single which appear to imply that Rihanna has had a few penises inside of her vagina.

"Don't fuck with my old bitches", Brown raps on the single, possibly alluding to Rihanna, "Every industry n*gga had her". Rihanna reacted to the rap by going as far as to block Chris Brown on Twitter. She really showed him, didn't she? Rihanna? A slag? Surely not.

It feels good to be back, people.