Tuesday, 24 January 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I'll tell you what it is, folks. I'm bloody bored. I'm having a fabulous time owning the streets of Le Mans with my fellow assistants, but when we're all in our respective homes on my own it isn't half boring sometimes. I did the dishes earlier and got so excited I prematurely ejaculated halfway through. I'm off on Mondays now and, rather than doing my washing yesterday as I had planned, I thought to myself "ooooh I'll save it for later when I'm really bored- go mad". Jesus.

So anyway- what do I do, as a blogger, when I'm bored? I write. That's what I do. If you're a fan of my writing, people, it may interest you to hear that tomorrow (Wednesday) a thing I wrote is meant to be going up on So So Gay. It's basically an account of my year abroad but with a gay slant. Straight people can also enjoy it, although frankly how straight people can enjoy anything knowing that they aren't gay is beyond me. I salute you straight people, you bunch of boring bastards (nar man, straight people are alright. Well some are. Here is a list of straight people who, as far as I am concerned, are alright by me):

1. Sarah Jessica Parker
2. Professor Stephen Hawking
3. Carole
4. Nicola Roberts
5. Michelle Obama
6. That girl student I've got a bit of a crush on

The list is endless.

Thankfully for me, and other people who pass their days writing about celebrities rather than going out and living their lives, there's stuff going on left, right and centre within the world of the rich and/or famous and here is just some of that compressed, chewed up, swallowed, regurgitated and spat out again in one of them Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Nicki Minaj's new video could stand to be a bit more popular AND SHE HERSELF COULD STAND TO BE A BIT MORE PUNCTUAL.

Surely by this stage in the game I shouldn't have to tell you how I feel about Nicki Minaj, although just in case you're new to the blog or perhaps you've been stricken down with an incurable case of AMNESIA (!!!!!!!!!!) I'll fill you in. SHE IS THE BEST.

Therefore, when she revealed on Twitter last week that we could expect the video for her latest buzz single Stupid Hoe as early as Thursday I, and her legions of fans, got very excited. We shouldn't have built her hopes up, though. Nicki Minaj is known for not sticking to her promises in terms of putting shit out on time, and this was no exception:

If nothing else, I admire very much Nicki Minaj's tactic of blaming "cockheads" for the things in her career that don't go to plan. In fact, it was a "cockhead" that made me two hours late for work today. Had I realised this was a legitimate excuse I would have just explained this to my teacher and saved myself a lot of awkwardness. Silly me, eh?

Thankfully, this weekend I was, you know, somewhere, AND I SAW THAT THE VIDEO HAS BEEN RELEASED. Immediately I had to devour it, and as usual Nicki showed off some strange looks in the video, arguably stranger than we've ever seen from her before. Let's just examine a few of them:

In the first part of the video, Nicki proves to us exactly what hanging around Madonna for all this time has taught her. What a flexible young woman. "Boy you got my left leg bendin' away..."

It's not just massive flexibility that Nicki Minaj has got going for her though, folks, and she's determined to prove it. At this point Nicki proves how easily she can get that last bit of Nutella out of the corner of the jar. Or, indeed, what a good rimming she could give you. Two things which you probably don't want to mix up.

Conversely, Nicki has gone from über-helpful jar/bum-crack licker to being not very useful at all because she's in a bloody prison. It's not all bad, the prison is made of gold, and she is wearing rather a lot of leopard print, but still. It's no life that, is it? No it's not.

Thankfully, Nicki makes up for this earlier uselessness by putting on four watches at once, just in case you're curious what time it is in various time zones all at once and don't fancy doing some simple addition. Nicki Minaj has truly thought of everything. Seriously, though. Four watches. Really?

NOW it was surely obvious to Nicki Minaj before she got onto this giant chair that it was too tall for her. It's all well and good standing up on top of it thinking you're all that, but you won't be laughing when you have to do get down, will you Onika? No you won't. Thankfully you have a comically oversized derriere should you fall off.

And this is a picture of Nicki Minaj with some giant fake eyes and pink hair. Excellent.

The video immediately made the rounds and quickly became Nicki's second most watched video on YouTube after just a few days (following her biggest solo hit to date, Super Bass). Unfortunately for Nicki it hasn't made quite the splash she was hoping for, despite the video being a visual feast; with over 150,000 people opting to "dislike" the video on YouTube:

DEARIE ME. The question is: what do you think? Watch the video for yourself here:

The song itself is, of course, utter bollocks. And as for her punctuality:

Presumably that'll be those "cockheads" again. MUST. TRY. HARDER.

2. Madonna reminds us, once again, that she is not one to be fucked with.

Given that she is unarguably the most frightening woman in the world, you'd think most people would have realised by now that Madonna is one pop icon not to be messed with. Having said that, fellow icon Elton John is not exactly "most people" is he?

Both singers were nominated for the same award at the Golden Globes last week, in the category of Best Original Song. Elton had recorded a duet with Lady GaGa called Hello, Hello for Disney's Gnomeo and Juliet, while Madonna sang the song Masterpiece in her own directorial debut W.E. (don't worry I have no idea how either song goes either).

On the red carpet, Elton was his usual coy self declaring that Madonna had "no fucking chance" of winning the award, and that it would surely go to himself or fellow nominee Mary J Blige (who had also recorded a song nobody had heard of for the film The Help.) Madonna herself turned on her best game face and said "may the best man win" when quizzed herself before the ceremony.

As I'm sure you know by this stage, Madonna was the eventual winner of the award, prompting the best reaction face ever:


Meanwhile Elton's husband (or "husband" if you're a Daily Mail reader) David Furnish was less gracious in defeat, labelling Madonna "desperate", "embarrassing" and "narcissistic", also writing "Best original song?? Fuck off!!!" on his Facebook page. He's since massively backtracked, presumably after a giant telling off from a manager-type, and apologised to Madonna calling her a "great artist".

Madonna herself claimed to be oblivious to the comments (she doesn't go online allegedly, lest we forget), but then she is a very busy woman preparing for her Superbowl half-time performance which will feature guest appearances from Nicki Minaj and M.I.A. on their collaborative effort and grammatical abortion Gimme All Your Luvin'.

Let's just hope she doesn't do a Janet Jackson and let one of her tits fall out.

3. Denise Welch is causing quite a stir on the old telly-box.

I rarely mention it so it's easy to forget, but I actually live in France these days, and therefore most of my celebrity news these days comes from the one-sided and not altogether reliable source of Twitter. Therefore, this particular story is pieced together from various things I've read online, having seen none of it myself. If any of it is inaccurate, feel free to pool together to pay for me to get Channel 5 in my flat. That would be lovely. If not, shut your bouche, yeah?

So it seems that Celebrity Big Brother is back for a second go-around on its new home at Channel 5 and it seems to all be going rather well for them, it seems everyone is talking about the show and unsurprisingly Denise Welch seems to be the one name to set tongues going (steady on). Denise is never hesitant to mention on Loose Women that she suffers from what she calls "compulsive flashing disorder" (in fact apart from fiddling with her ear-piece, reminiscing about her golden days on Coronation Street and coughing every time a guest opens their mouth to speak, talking about flashing her tits seems to be all Denise does on the show).

No one was surprised, therefore, when during Frankie Cocozza's 19th birthday celebrations (incidentally, if I find out any of you voted for Frankie "Rockstar Oh Actually No I'm On Channel 5 And Once Shared A House With Sami Brookes" Cocozza I will come back to England and beat you with a shoe) she was seen galavanting with him in a jacuzzi, eventually flashing her bare breasts to the entire British nation to the horror of everyone in the house.

What's ruffled feathers most of all was earlier this week when Denise was drunkenly dancing with a fellow housemate and tried to jokingly pull down her pyjama bottoms, exposing her arse. Said housemate then fled to the Diary Room to tell Big Brother she felt exposed and abused in the house, calling herself "reserved" and "classy". This argument would, of course, be a lot more credible had said housemate not already flashed a lot more in Playboy magazine but for a lot more money.

The whole thing has raised a rather interesting debate: if you take your clothes off for a living and actively allow yourself to be wanked over by lads' mags readers, do you still have the right to complain when one of the Loose Women panelists tries to show your knickers off on reality TV. THE STUFF QUESTION TIME DEBATES ARE MADE OF, I'M SURE YOU AGREE.

I'm going to bed now, it's 1.30am here and I'd like to actually do something with my day tomorrow.
Who knows, maybe I'll do the laundry.

Thursday, 5 January 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

After what can only be described as an extended period of sitting in the house and doing nothing towards the end of 2011, them famous people have finally recognised the plight of a celebrity blogger and decided to start being interesting again. Brilliant stuff. Because of this, and also because I'm currently in the staff room at work having had both of my lessons for ths morning cancelled meaning I got up at 6.20 this morning BEFORE THE SUN completely needlessly, you can sit back and enjoy the second Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup of 2012...

1. Dancing On Ice is back again. Christ.

For many, myself included, January is not an easy time of the year. Christmas is over, it's back to work in the cold with nothing to look forward to but Valentine's Day in just one month's time (ha!) and Spring, which isn't for bloody ages yet. Thankfully ITV have the solution for the January blues, the bloody awful Dancing On Ice which is remarkably back for a SEVENTH series this weekend.

Following in the footsteps (or, indeed, ice skate tracks YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE) as last year's contestants are the usual suspects including A-list names like Sam and Mark and Jennifer Ellison. Also participating will be Heidi Range, in one desperate attempt to prove that there's still some life in the old Sugababes franchise yet (although just to be sure Amelle Barbarrah is currently recording her own solo material).

It seems the series has already been plagued by drama before it's even begun, though (mercy!), as singer Chesney Hawkes took a tumble on the ice and will no longer be able to compete. Thankfully the producers have turned it from "Disaster Time" into "Chico Time" (you can see where this is going) by inviting the Greek former stripper to take his place.

Chico back on the telly. This is not going to end well, is it?

2. News to bring a (single) tear to the eye.

Days ago I broke the sad news that fun-loving singer Sinéad O'Connor, who was initially meant to be the first artist to record B*Witched's hit C'est La Vie before realising that such a gloomy song would tarnish her cheery image, had decided to end her marriage after sixteen days of wedded bliss following a hunt for cannabis which ended up in her being bombarded with crack cocaine on her wedding night.

If you're anything like myself the news will have hit hard. At first I just felt numb, though eventually I went through the usual stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining. I have since taken to wearing a black armband at all times to remind myself of Sinéad's plight and, truly, the death of true love. If Sinéad O'Connor can't make it work with a man she met on Twitter what hope do the rest of us have?

Despair no more, though, folks as just yesterday Sinéad herself posted this message of joy and magic on her official Twitter page:

That's right, folks. Grieve no more; Sinéad O'Connor is back with her husband after a night of shagging. Or, as she put it, "my husband is a big hairy caveman and he came to claim me with his club". Genuine quote, people. However, despite them having reverted back to seemingly married bliss, the couple have decided not to live together for the time being and instead are going to try being "boyfriend and girlfriend". Just like the Year 7 couple, except with a trip around the shady area of Las Vegas culminating in fistfuls of crack cocaine.

Disney are reportedly in talks to turn the whole thing into a feature film, starring Amy Adams as the crack dealer.

3. Lee Ryan has nothing planned for the next few weeks on account of his GREED.

The latest series of Celebrity Big Brother is starting tonight, which is all very exciting. "Hasn't it just been 5 minutes since the last series of Big Brother..?" you may ask yourself, and the answer is, indeed, yes but after their Amy Childs fly-on-the-wall show It's All About Amy turned out to be as dull as watching paint dry (but without the sense of satisfaction when it all reaches a shocking climlax and it dawns on you, with glee, that the paint is finally dry) Channel 5 realised that Celebrity Big Brother was unfortunately the only thing it has in its arsenal, so it seems they will be churning out series like no one's business. Keeps Sam France off the streets for a few weeks, if nothing else, eh?

Rumoured contestants include MENTAL-ILLNESS-IS-A-SERIOUS-BUSINESS comedienne Ruby Wax (interesting), I-shagged-my-husband's-brother-and-I-liked-it-the-taste-of-Imogen-Thomas's-chapstick Z-lister Natasha Giggs (tedious) and coughs-loudly-while-celebrities-answer-questions-while-fiddling-with-her-ear-piece Loose Woman Denise Welch (literally amazing). I swear if Denise Welch is genuinely in the house I am abandoning my year abroad, coming back to the UK and never stepping away from the live feed for the duration of her time in the house.

One man you won't be seeing in the Big Brother house tonight is Lee Ryan, despite initial rumours suggesting he'd be making an appearance. It seems the singer, who once spit-roasted a girl with Duncan James pausing only to high-five her half-way through (now THAT's Blue...), got a bit too big for his boots and ended up demanding more money. Rather than catering to his demands, however, Channel 5 instead gave him his marching orders. That's right, folks. Even Channel 5 don't want him. Bad times for Lee Ryan. At least he has his glittering music career to fall back on. Oh...wait...

Let's be honest, Lee Ryan would have been cringey viewing but he'd still have been a good housemate, so if Channel 5 are willing to let him go just like that they must be pretty certain they're onto a winner. Having said that, reports are also suggesting his last minute replacement is Romeo Dunn, so I may well have spoken too soon...

While we're on the subject of Celebrity Big Brother, I dunno if I've mentioned but I bloody well live in bloody France these days, so won't be watching Big Brother. If anyone is watching the launch tonight and fancies writing a summary of the housemates in DARE I SAY IT some class of "guest-post" then give me a comment below or a tweet or something. Just think, the chance to have your views on a Channel 5 reality show read by tens of twenties of people. Chance of a lifetime.

That's your lot!
I'm being quite serious about someone writing a cheeky Big Brother summary if anyone fancies it. IF NOT I'LL JUST EMBARRASSINGLY PRETEND I NEVER SAID ANYTHING.

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Well, folks. It's 2012. 2011 is officially over. Still to come are my "top singles of 2011" lists, which I'm sure you're so far off the edge of your seat in anticipation over that you're actually squatting over the floor, but before that I am going to do a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup. I'm sorry that I haven't been blogging much as of late and when I do blog it's mostly to go "LOOK AT ME ON MY YEAR ABROAD AREN'T I JUST THE BEST" but frankly I am the best so I'm sure you understand my reasoning behind that, don't you? Of course you do.

2011 was a mad year. Beyoncé got pregnant, Prince William liked it and put a ring on it and Nadine Coyle told me she liked my hair. Lady GaGa dressed up as me for an awards ceremony, Frankie Cocozza broke a "golden rule" and Cheryl Cole got kicked in the tits. Cher Lloyd told off the "haters", Nicola Roberts surprised us all with a stonker of a debut and Rihanna somehow found the time to collaborate with Jay-Z and Calvin Harris on her latest offering.

Nicki Minaj finally got acknowledged in the charts by releasing a bonus track as a single, Amy Winehouse died and Madonna revealed to the world that she really does not like hydrangeas. Britney shagged her boyfriend in a music video, Kerry Katona shocked us all by not being a total twat on Celebrity Big Brother and Justin Bieber ACTUALLY HAD SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH ANOTHER HUMAN.

How can 2012 compare to all that? Let's see...

1. The divorce bells are a-ringing.

Despite just weeks earlier insisting that he'd be with her until the end, this week the devastating news broke that Russell Brand has filed for divorce from his cream-shooting-breasted wife Katy Perry after just 14 months of marriage.

At the minute we know nothing about the divorce, other than that Russell is the one who filled all the forms in citing "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for the split. There you go. There's all of the concrete facts we know. Unfortunately that does not sell newspapers, does it? No it does not. CHOO CHOO-- THE SPECULATION TRAIN IS PULLING INTO THE STATION:


According to various "sources", who are in all honesty probably works of utter fiction, there are a number of contributing factors to the breakdown of Russell and Katy's marriage. For one thing Katy Perry was allegedly (translated: in the heads of journalists and nowhere in reality) unwilling to give Russell a baby even though he was reportedly (translated: pulled out of a lazy journalist's arse because it was very nearly the end of the year so who the fuck cares) keen to start a family.

Meanwhile another "source" claims that Katy's partying was getting too much for ex-alcoholic Russell Brand who it seems is apparently (translated: what you are about to read is most likely a lie) ready to settle down and have a family.

If you ask me, they probably just got married too quickly and without having spent too much time together since Katy was on tour and Russell is permanently shooting one film or another in his attempt to be taken seriously as an "actor" or whatever he's doing these days. I imagine they met at the VMAs, had a few months of uninterrupted blissful sex and then naively got married thinking it would always be like that, only to discover it's all a bit more complicated than you realise when you throw in two families living on the other side of the globe from one another.

Of course, now it is me who is completely speculating and pulling theories out of my anus, making me just as bad as the lazy "journalists" I've been slagging off in previous paragraphs.

It's ever so sad though, isn't it?

And if you thought the news about Russell and Katy was sad, then wait till you hear about the saddest celebrity marriage breakup of our times. Just when you thought it was safe to believe in love again, after just sixteen short days of marriage nit-hater and single-tear-crier Sinéad O'Connor has split up with her fourth husband (you know, the man she found in a horny search on Twitter and ended up marrying).

After being together just four short months, the couple got married in a Las Vegas ceremony, although according to Sinead herself the marriage was doomed from the offset as she left him during their wedding night on a desperate hunt for some marijuana. Somehow the two ended up in a rough end of town where she ended up being handed a seemingly large stash of crack cocaine. Not the traditional wedding gift, I'm sure you'll agree.

Throw in the fact that her new husband, who Sinéad met online after a desperate search for a shag (straight people don't know what they're missing with Grindr I'm telling you now), was a drugs counsellor and it seems it was all downhill from there just three hours after initially saying "I do".

Fifth time's a charm, eh, Sinéad? It seems that, as she famously sang, Nothing Compares 2 U. Apart from U. And U. And U. Oh and maybe U.

2. Alesha Dixon is given a load of money to judge others.

It seems that after seemingly downing a bottle of wine on national TV while Alan Carr looked on astonished, the British nation are back in love with Strictly Come Dancing judge Alesha Dixon. And why shouldn't they be? She is lively, exciteable, beautiful and a very good dancer (and singer) (oh and MC, let us not forget).

Yet despite the most recent series of Strictly Come Dancing being a massive success in the ratings (I dunno why it seems like a right heap of shite to me, but then I live in a bedsit without a telly), it was revealed this week that Alesha will not be returning to judge the next series later this year. It was then confirmed that she'd been swayed by Simon Cowell to sit alongside returning judge Amanda Holden and fresh face David Walliams on the next series of Britain's Got Talent, the show which started the careers of Susan Boyle, Diversity and no one else worth mentioning.

In what can only be described as a piece of gossip to make you exclaim "you go girl", Alesha is rumoured to be getting £300,000 to be on Britain's Got Talent which, when you consider the fact a trained monkey is qualified enough to sit on that panel and push a button when they've seen enough, is a massive amount of money.

I do think Alesha will be an amazing guest, but if there's one thing her time with Alan Carr has taught us it's that Alesha Dixon should be permanently pissed so that she will run her mouth off and rip the whole thing to shreds. I can imagine her now, stumbling onto the stage half-way through the finals, slurring "you'reaaaallllll shiiit" to the performers before leading the audience in a sing-a-long version of The Boy Does Nothing. Amazing stuff.

If you really want a laugh, let's have a look at Alesha Dixon's new single, which deals with the ever-controverisial subject of feeling a bit fat after Christmas so ganning to WeightWatchers and then chucking all your old clothes out because they made you feel fat and frumpy, presumably only to repeat the whole process next January when you're once again swollen and round after one two many turkey sandwiches and After Eights on Boxing Day:

What a heap of shite.

3. Is it all over before it began for Harry Styles and Cougar Flack?

So ever since Harry Styles off of One Direction was revealed to be cosying up to Caroline Flack off of The Xtra Factor, the media and, of course, social networking sites have reacted the way you might expect they would.

Some have claimed Harry is a "true lad" for managing to bag himself an older woman. Most have questioned what would provoke a woman in her early 30s to go out with someone who can't even legally order them a drink yet (the answer, of course, is that he's probably like one of them Duracell bunnies in bed, or at least that's how it goes in my head). Others, like my mam, are just happy to hear that Harry goes for older women (although she still hasn't totally forgiven him for that "pussy" remark to Matt Cardle at last year's X Factor final).

Needless to say poor old Caroline has been the subject of quite a lot of abuse from the online community, with some bloody mental teenage girls going as far as to send her death threats. Ridiculous, really.

However, those teenage girls (and, you know, my mam) can breathe a sigh a relief as it's looking as if the couple have decided to call it a day shortly before One Direction's tour of the UK starts, which is a shame as I was rather hoping that would be a dysfunctional relationship that would end up spiralling out of control. I was hoping there'd be a long engagement with everyone chipping in their opinions, with the eventual wedding ceremony being disrupted by my mam bursting in, hundreds of teenage girls in her wake, to perform an impromptu rendition of It Could Have Been Me.

Time will tell, folks. Time will tell.

Right. I've blogged.