Wednesday, 31 August 2011

The VMAs 2011: A Drunken Summary In Tweets.

On Sunday night I went out to Newcastle with Carla. It had been a while, and we had a lot of catching up to do. Carla told me that she had to be up at 5am the following day, so we agreed not to make it a particularly late one. Thankfully, it was the night the VMAs were screening online so I was secretly relieved that I would be home by the time that they started and I could watch them comfortably in my own bed.

However, the reality did not quite match my expectations. What we had not counted on was the fact it was Bank Holiday Weekend and that our quiet Sunday drink would take place along hoards of partying folks. Eventually we realised that, unable to beat them, we would have to join them and ended up having far more to drink than intended. I ended up getting home 5 minutes before the VMAs were due to begin, having had an excellent time swinging Carla around the dance-floor, being, frankly, pretty drunk indeed.

Was I going to let the fact I was somewhat intoxicated stop me from live-tweeting the biggest event in my celebrity calendar...?


Welcome, one and all, to the official "Silly Old Daniel Drunken VMA Summary In Tweets" 2011.

TWEET 1:

Having worn her notorious meat-dress, Lady GaGa clearly realised she was going to have to really raise the stakes (or, indeed, the steaks!) for this year's ceremony, and she certainly did not disappoint. Instead she made herself one of the main talking points of the evening, appearing as male alter-ego Jo Calderone to perform her latest single Yoü and I after giving a speech about how "he" is sick of Lady GaGa.

"Jo, I am theatre," 'Jo' tells us Lady GaGa once said to him in a monologue that goes on JUST A LITTLE too long, "And this is just rehearsal".


He also presented the "Michael Jackson Vanguard Video Award" to Britney Spears, telling the audience that "he" used to have posters of Britney on his ceiling which he would touch himself over. Did Britney look impressed with Jo giving her opening speech..?


Alrighty then.

Whatever your opinion on Jo Calderone (some people found it self-indulgent and embarrassing, personally I thought it was an inspired idea), it must be noted that between her quiff and her dark brown eyes, her brash attitude and the fact she's a bloke with a woman's voice, it couldn't be more obvious that Lady GaGa wants to be me. Sort it out, woman.

TWEET 2:

Justin Bieber won his second ever VMA at the ceremony, this time in the "Best Male Video" for his song U Smile, beating competition from Eminem and Kanye West, not bad for a lad who's not legally allowed anything stronger than Tizer for his celebratory drink. Unfortunately, Justin did himself no favours in making himself look like less of a douche, first of all opening his speech with "I'd like to say thank you not only to God but to Jesus" (You can practically hear Selena Gomez making her excuse she can't see him anymore at this point, can't you?) but also by heading up to the stage looking like he got dressed in the dark...


Dearie me.

TWEET 3:

At this point in the show Joe Jonas arrived on the stage to announce Chris Brown was up next performing. For some reason, though, he ended up bigging Chris Brown up so much that if his speech had ended "Ladies and gentlemen, up next it's Jesus Christ", before the Messiah came out and french-kissed Jo Calderone it would still have been a let-down.

The entertainment industry's willingness to forgive Chris Brown so much not only for his horrible attack on Rihanna but for his stinking attitude and boastful homophobia on Twitter has always baffled me (for example, me and Catherine once saw Katy Perry in Powerhouse and she was dancing her arse off to Yeah 3x, it was a really sad moment and I prayed her supposed BFF Rihanna would never find out about it), but the crowd's reaction to Chris Brown's performance was just unnecessary.


His performance itself was predictably conceited and smug, with Chris dressing up in all white and being flung around the stage on wires like Peter Pan with roid-rage, and the worst thing of all was that his miming was so bad that Britney Spears was in the audience thinking that even she could do a better job than him.

Unfortunately it seems like he's not going anywhere, but as it's been a while since I mentioned Chris on this blog I'd just like to re-iterate my feeling that I wish he would fuck off and live the rest of his days under a stone somewhere.

TWEET 4:

Since Britney Spears was launched in the go-go 1990s (named the "decade of dreams" by the philosopher Emma Marie Stephenson), her most iconic appearances have always revolved around MTV. Whether you were watching her answer your questions on TRL, delving behind the scenes of her videos on Making The Video or seeing Ashton Kutcher making her look like even more of an idiot than you already thought she was on Punk'd it's fair to say that MTV and Britney Spears have always fed off one another like the filthy parasites they both are.

Undoubtedly, though, Britney has always sparkled at the VMAs most of all. Some of her most iconic moments, from carrying a snake onstage during I'm A Slave 4 U to kissing Madonna after a performance of Like A Virgin, the VMAs have always been a big deal for Britney Spears. So when the advert aired for this year's show, the rumour-mill went into overdrive over how the show would be honouring BritBrit's achievements...



Some claimed Britney would be performing a medley of her hits at the ceremony, while another popular rumour claimed that some of the biggest stars of today would be singing their own versions of Britney's songs (Nicki Minaj and Ke$ha were rumoured to be covering Gimme More, which truly would have been the greatest thing that happened not just at the VMAs but in the history of the world).


Instead some dancers did a very-impressive-but-about-far-too-short tribute dance which consisted of clips of about 10 of Britney's songs each lasting about 15 seconds. The whole thing was very "blink and you'll miss it", which is a shame because it seems like Britney deserved a bit more than that.

There's a lot of Britney fans on both Twitter and Tumblr right now claiming that MTV completely used Britney as a way of getting people to watch their award show, and this is where I have to step in and disagree. Nobody else got their own tribute in the show, no one else got their entire careers celebrated and no one else got an award for their contributions to music. It was up to Britney to big up the moment. If Britney is not up to making a memorable speech, or even appearing in her own tribute performance, then that is her problem.

Another criticism people have of the ceremony is that by having Lady GaGa present the award, and Beyoncé perform immediately after, that Britney was eclipsed by it all. Once again, I have to disagree. If the shoe was on the other foot, and it was Britney presenting an award to GaGa, would GaGa have let anyone take the moment away from her? No she would not. It was up to no one but Britney to make sure that she was the star in her own moment, and the sad truth is that she is just not up to it anymore. I know I seem to do nothing but slag Britney Spears off on this blog these days, but that's only because as one of her biggest fans, I have never felt so disappointed by her as I have been during this Femme Fatale era.

She looked pretty though. I'll give her that.

TWEET 5:

Beyoncé became the most talked about person at this year's VMAs, as she took the opportunity to more or less announce that she was pregnant. First of all she took to the stage to perform Love On Top from her album 4. To be honest, I don't have that album, so I don't know the song, and I was quite drunk and tired by this stage in the proceedings, so I wasn't really paying attention at this stage. She was also wearing a glittery pink jacket which made her look like a 50-something bingo caller circa 1996.

However, it was what happened after the performance that got people talking, as Beyoncé unbuttoned her jacket to reveal that she has the slightest hint of baby bump, which she then proceeded to rub and have a little chuckle as the crowd went wild around her.


This, of course, means one of two things:

1. Beyoncé is pregnant.
2. Beyoncé had a Nando's an hour before taking to the stage, and is proudly showing the crowd that she is unashamed of the bloated state it has left her in.

The camera then cut to this beautiful image of Jay-Z and Kanye West celebrating:


This, too, means one of two things:

1. Kanye West is proud of his good friend Jay-Z for having fertile sperm and knocking up his wife, Beyoncé.
2. Kanye West is proud of his good friend Jay-Z for taking his wife, Beyoncé to Nando's, and would like to go there himself.

Whether it's a baby or a trip to Nando's, a big congratulations to Beyoncé.

TWEET 6:

Katy Perry looked an absolute mess at the ceremony, particularly after a costume change she made before accepting her award for "Video Of The Year" for Firework. I'm all for expressing yourself through innovative fashion choices, and normally I think Katy dresses like a real star, but there is no excuse for this heap of shite:


Between the faded pink hair, the clunky shoes and what appears to be a large wedge of cheese on her head, the whole thing is just wrong wrong wrong. She looks like she's in her early 50s, rather than one of the biggest names in popular music right at this moment. Unfortunate.

And so, 4.30am rolled around. My drunkenness was very nearly over, and I could feel the clutches of a hangover beginning to kick in. The ceremony was over, and I was read to give my feelings on the event as a whole. How did I feel, having stayed up two and a half hours to watch Katy Perry put a block of cheese on her head and Chris Brown bounce around to distract the audience from the fact he's a violent thug..?

TWEET 7:

Quite.

(Photo of Britney and Jo Calderone nicked from Shut Up That's Awesome.)

Saturday, 27 August 2011

X Factor Roundup: Auditions (Part 2).



Well, after last week's X Factor bombarded us with a string of bell-ends each more horrific than the last, I must admit I had low expectations for this week's show. After we got to see the "feisty" side to Tulisa last week, and saw Gary establish himself as the new "judge to impress", it seems that this week producers were more intent on shoving Kelly Rowland down our throats. Poor old Louis, eh? It's not all about the judges, though, so let's re-visit this week's new "talent"...

Johnny Robinson

Immediately, as soon as he starts introducing himself, it's obvious that Johnny is going to be a much needed antidote to the self-obsessed, cocky and arrogant pricks who dominated the show last week. As he tells us mournfully that he isn't in a relationship and lives alone in a small bedsit (before correcting himself and calling it a "small flat", audibly praying it doesn't sound "too scummy") before telling us how exciting it is to perform on the same stage as Kylie Minogue's "Aprhodisiac" tour, it's clear that Johnny has no names tattooed on his arse, nor will he later give his autograph to a gang of children, telling them it will be worth loads on eBay once he is dead famous.

This may be a touch hypocritical of me to say, but Johnny Robinson is literally what would happen if camp came to life and became human, despite his unassuming choice of clothing. He's the sort of sweet-natured person you desperately hope won't open their mouth only for the sound of a walrus grunting to come out as the Lady GaGa backing track behind him continues on relentlessly, and when he reveals that he'll be tackling the Etta James song At Last it seems all may be lost.

Once again, though, Susan Boyle has taught us nothing and instead he delivers a tuneful although somewhat effeminate (but then it was hardly going to be Barry White's voice that thundered out from his petit vocal chords, was it?) and the judges are clearly shocked by it.

However, between his high-pitched tones and his preened eyebrows, the conversation in our house inevitably turned onto how many times Johnny is likely to have performed this song in full drag. For those wondering, here is a video of Johnny's female alter-ego, Sarah Lee, tackling I'm Not Scared by Pet Shop Boys:



Alrighty, then.

Have we seen the last of Johnny?: As the only X Factor contestant of 2011 so far who I don't want to smack in the face, I sincerely hope we have not. However, he said in his opening sequence he "wants to be taken seriously as a singer", while producers will likely have other ideas for him. I predict if he gets through to the live finals he'll be more than unhappy with his song choices which will likely include a Mika number and an ill-advised cover of Scissor Sisters' I Don't Feel Like Dancing. We shall see.

Derry Mensah

First things first, Derry is very handsome. What a handsome young man he is. Peculiarly, it seems he is a bit obsessed with new judge Kelly Rowland, and when we first meet Derry he's part of a montage of male contestants who are all in the mood for a bit of Kelly loving. This confuses me on a number of levels because:

1. Why would anyone want to have sex with a woman?
2. The notion of anyone having any feeling other than indifference towards Kelly Rowland is completely alien to me.

"Kelly Rowland is my ultimate woman", says Derry. Really though? Every woman on the planet and Kelly Rowland is his ULTIMATE woman??

"Kelly Rowland...I don't need to say much. Just...Kelly Rowland", he explains, trying to enlighten viewers as to exactly why he likes Kelly so much. Probably just as well he doesn't feel the need to say much, really, there's not really a lot to say about her in the first place is there? If we're being totally honest everything worth knowing about Kelly Rowland can probably be squeezed onto a Post-It note. In fact, just to prove a point:


Excellent stuff.

Derry goes on to sing Usher's Can You Help Me? which he directs towards Kelly, who he professes his love to after the song. It's a very good rendition, and at one point he ends up singing on his knees. It's excellent viewing, and after the song Kelly shocks everyone by inviting him to come down and give her a kiss.

Some might wonder why Kelly would let a contestant do that, but what people seem to forget is that this is the first time in 15 years someone has directed a comment to Kelly other than "So tell me, what's Beyoncé really like?", I wouldn't be surprised if the two end up engaged.

Poor old Tulisa, Kelly gets confessions of love from the performers while she just gets called a scumbag. Ouch.

Have we seen the last of Derry?: Handsome and talented, as long as he keeps kissing Kelly's arse the way he has been, I'd imagine Derry should be safe for quite some time.

Craig Colton

Out next is Scouse lovely Craig Colton, who lives at home with his parents who are in the audience at the auditions. However, he hadn't told them he was going to be performing as he wanted to surprise them. As you can see, his father is just BURSTING with pride when he sees his son step onto the stage:


Craig, like Johnny before him, has the confidence and the banter to get the crowd going without crossing over into arrogance or smugness, which again makes a change from the self-obsessed twats who indundated last week's shows, which is odd because Craig sings better than all of them when he starts performing Adele's Hiding My Heart Away.

Only real criticism of Craig is that his performance is a bit of an Adele impression, he's even copied several of her mannerisms including singing out of the corner of his mouth and doing slight head-flips. It was still decent enough, but I wouldn't be surprised if a video of Craig performing the same song while dressed as Adele emerged in the near future.

I must admit, though, I do have high hopes for Craig who seems like a normal lad from Liverpool who works in (where else?) a biscuit factory! Of course he's following in a long line of biscuit-loving X Factor contestants from years gone by...

X FACTOR BISCUIT LOVERS
Diana Viscount
Rachel Adedejaffa-cake
Wagner Wheel
Joe Malted MilkElderry

Well. That wasn't very funny at all was it?

No it was not.

Have we seen the last of Craig?: Friendly, approachable, young and with a big voice, it'd be nice to think we'll see Craig again but whether or not he hold his own against the other under-25s boys like Derry and Frankie will be another matter.

Misha Bryan

Thankfully the sob stories were kept to a minimum on tonight's show, although one did still manage to slip through the net when we met Misha Bryan and she decided to delve deep into her family history and tell us all about her negligent mother and how she's performing there today just to make her aunt, who raised her when her mother proved unable to.

Really it's a shame she felt the need to lay her family history in front of the nation because she's got a unique look, good charisma and a great voice she doesn't need to resort to sob stories. Plus when we get to meet her family they look like a real fun bunch which, frankly, they should have played up to more. If you'd like to know my favourite member of Misha's family then I can tell you it's undoubtedly this glittery beret-wearing old woman...


...although having said that I must say I have a lot of respect for her cousin Nicki Minaj who decided to stay in the background and let Misha have her moment...


Once her sob story is done and dusted, Misha hits the stage with all guns blaring, with a performance of Aretha Franklin's Respect, which is a brilliant performance and manages to take the song to an all new height when Misha says "ree-ree-remix" and then continues TO RAP IN THE MIDDLE OF IT. I almost fell off my chair at this point, she'd managed to make a top notch song even better. Unfortunately she then beckons the ladies in the audience to get on their feet, which embarrassingly Kelly Rowland takes as her cue to try and get in on that, though unfortunately she ends up looking like a right tit:


SIT CHO ASS DOWN KELLY ROWLAND. We know you've been in Beyoncé's shadow since you were 11 years old but that doesn't mean you can steal the limelight from this girl. That's not how it works, woman!

I do have one criticism of Misha, besides her sob story that is. I always maintain that if you're going to try and do an Aretha Franklin number it always helps if you're wearing her outfit from Barack Obama's inauguration, don't you think?:

Outstanding.

Have we seen the last of Misha?: As long as she's going to keep doing songs to get Kelly Rowland up on her feet, then I think Misha could be in this competition for the long haul. I just hope if she is that we don't have to hear any more about her bloody sob story.

AND FINALLY...

Hilarious X Factor Visual Of The Night

Amazing facial expression from Kelly Rowland.

This is what The X Factor is all about.

Watch the auditions yourself:
Johnny Robinson - At Last
Derry Mensah - Can You Help Me
Craig Colton - Hiding My Heart Away
Misha Bryan - Respect

WAIT!! I just thought of another X Factor biscuit lover!

Aiden Grimshortbread

Excellent.

Friday, 26 August 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

"HOLD ON A MINUTE DANIEL", you may be thinking, "I've barely recovered from yesterday's so-funny-I-gave-myself-a-hernia Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup and already you're chucking another one at us! What the eff is going on, mate?"

Well I'll tell you what the eff is going on. I've been away, you see, visiting my future home La Ferté Bernard out in the French country. It is a beautiful little town, I can not wait to walk around it singing the opening number of Beauty and the Beast while the townspeople whisper at each other about how I don't fit in. So anyway, while I was away a lot of stuff happened that I'm only just catching up on, so you'll have to forgive me for dishing out blogs like no one's business. Are you ready for a brand spanking new celebrity roundup, featuring news you've more than likely already heard? Brilliant stuff.

1. What will the Katie Price "conveyor belt of delusion" churn out next?


You've got to hand it to Katie Price, the woman does not give up. Each time she produces a heap of shite no one is interested in, she refuses to let it get her down. Her single might have flopped and her latest book might already be going for half-price on Amazon, but she just keeps her head up high and moves onto her next project.

However, I don't think anyone was prepared for what she had hiding up her sleeve (that's her actual sleeve, folks, not her wizard's sleeve-like vajayjay) to unleash on the world next. It seems that Katie has decided to start her own magazine. Will it cover interesting news stories, interviews with fellow celebrities or humorous columnists? No it will not.

Ignoring the fact the public could not care less about her opinions or beliefs, Katie has decided to start Katie magazine- a magazine all about herself. "And who is its first cover star?" I hear you cry. Well why not take a look for yourself..?


That's right, folks. Realising Elle and Glamour weren't exactly braying her door down (hell, even Amy Childs has done a shoot for Vogue) Katie decided to take matters into her own hands and create her own magazine to be on the cover of. Sweet Jesus, this woman's shamelessness knows no bounds, does it?

Of course you're now intrigued as to what can be expected inside the magazine itself. Well, one feature inside will reveal exactly what each of Katie's tattoos ACTUALLY MEAN. Riveting stuff. Meanwhile, later in the magazine you can read Katie giving her verdict on a variety of stars' styles. I'm not being funny, but Katie Price showed up to the launch of her iPod covers wearing this outfit...

...so she's hardly in a position to judge, is she? I think we all know the expression, "people who cram their oversized tits into a silver lycra jumpsuit with a tiara of iPods on their heads shouldn't throw stones", don't we? I'd be more inclined to buy a fitness DVD endorsed by Beth Ditto than listen to what Katie Price had to say about fashion-- whatever next..?

2. Britney Spears wants to educate others.

So the chances are you've read the recent Popjustice interview with Britney Spears where, as usual, she gives absolutely nothing about herself away because she is essentially a robot programmed to say things like "I love the music I help create" and "we all make mistakes, it's how you deal with them that make you who you are" and to avoid saying things like "the voices in my head are getting louder LEAVE ME ALONE JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE OK WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS TORTURE WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO GO ON STAGE IN FIVE MINUTES?? WHEN WILL THE SHOUTING STOP???" In case you haven't read it, here is a link to it.

While she does manage to dance around questions about what she believes have been mistakes in her career and admits that she never goes clubbing apart from to the one she has in her house (a lovely idea, but what she probably means is that she put the new Jennifer Lopez CD on the last time she did the hoovering), she also confesses that if she were not a singer she'd have loved to have taught kids.

I think the only thing more insane than Katie Price dishing out fashion advice is Britney Jean helping form the minds of today's youth. Just to illustrate my point here are several genuine quotes from Britney Spears, would-be educator on a variety of subjects.

Geography
"I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa".

"I go to a lot of overseas places. Like Canada".

Biology
"I did not have implants, I just had a growth spurt".

Sociology
"I am for the death penalty. Who commits terrible acts must get a fitting punishment. That way he learns the lesson for the next time.”

Would you let this woman teach your children??

3. Some dickhead does something minging on Celebrity Big Brother.


Undoubtedly the least famous contestant on this year's Celebrity Big Brother, from the offset it was obvious that "model" Bobby Sabel would need more than what Mean Girls' Janis Ian would call his "technically good physique" to stop him slipping by unnoticed.

Unfortunately for poor Bobby, as the days flew by it became apparent that he was a gigantic bore and eventually got put up for eviction by Kerry Katona as he was the housemate who she believed had come out of his shell the least. Clearly Bobby realised he was going to have to pull out all the stops if he wanted to stay in the house, and has started a verbal attack on several of his housemates calling Amy Childs a "user" and blaming the fact Kerry Katona can't land a man on the fact she is "gross". All behind their backs, of course. What a top dude.

It's paparazzo Darryn Lyons for whom Bobby has the most venom, though. He started off calling Darryn a "fat fuck" in the Diary Room before mocking his pink hair and ab implants (mind you, those fake abs are absolutely ridiculous, aren't they?) He then went on to say that Darryn was a "prick" (which, yeah, I'll admit he is). However, he then took things a bit too far and started being a bit gross.

The housemates have been set a task this week to become characters from The Wizard Of Oz with Darryn taking on the role of the Tin Man and Bobby being forced to dress up as Dorothy. As part of the task, at various points in the day the "Tin Man" must freeze on the spot, only allowed to move when "Dorothy" pours "oil" (actually lemonade in a tin can) into his mouth to free his joints.

Rather disgustingly, Bobby was so full of fury at Darryn (seemingly for no actual reason other than that he is a tosser, which I'll admit is fair enough because Darryn Lyons is a giant tosser) that he took the oil can into the sauna with him and deliberately collected his sweat into the tin can only to later pour his sweat into Darryn's mouth. Is that disgusting or what?

Bobby later went on to confess to Darryn that he'd essentially sweated directly into his mouth, and Darryn took it surprisingly well. Either Darryn has a secret fetish for having a layer of sweat in his drink, or he is far more patient and far less of a prick than I'd initially thought. I was almost on the verge of liking Darryn, in fact, but then I remembered he has THIS underneath his shirt...


...and came crashing down to Earth again.

Ridiculous.

I'm off to Rumpoli's for my dinner now. YOM.
Enjoy your weekend!
Laters.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

You know the drill by now, it's time for a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup. Apologies if this is your first time on the blog in which case you won't know the drill. Not your fault. Read on, it's hardly a complicated process...

1. Darryn Lyons reveals a shocking secret on Big Brother.


So Celebrity Big Brother is chogging along nicely on Channel 5 and it isn't the train-wreck everyone was praying it would be. If anything, I'm rather enjoying it. Brian Dowling has proved a very charismatic presenter, Amy Childs is just a triumph of a housemate and Jedward have proved that occasionally they do stop being pricks, although it is a rare occasion.

One thing Big Brother is perfect at doing is showing people up at their most tosspot-like moments. From George Galloway crawling around the floor and pretending to drink milk from Rula Lenska's liver-spotted, old hand to Donny Tourette stomping around the place like the class A prick that he is, if there's a side of you that is a bell end then be prepared for it to be exposed to the nation.

This year it was the turn of paparazzo reporter Darryn Lyons to be shown up as a royal wanker. Now let's not be unkind, but Darryn Lyons is no slim Jim. He's a bit on the portly side, shall we say? We shall. Also, while we're on the subject WHO ATE ALL THE PIES WHO ATE ALL THE PIES IT WAS DARRYN IT WAS DARRYN HE ATE ALL THE PIES.

*clears throat*

Yes, sorry about that. So anyway, during an exchange in the Big Brother gym earlier this week Darryn braved taking his top off and his washboard abs did not go unnoticed by the rest of his housemates, who were keen to find out exactly how Darryn acquired such an impressive physique (what they didn't say was "OH, FATBOY, WHAT'S WITH THE ABS?" which is probably just as well because that would be dead unkind).

What followed was an awkward exchange wherein Darryn confessed that he'd had a fake six pack implanted into his system, leaving him with this ridiculous display:


On an unrelated note, here are a few quotes from Darryn's own website Mr. Paparazzi:

"We speak for everyone when we say...yuck!" - after Wayne Rooney revealed his hair transplant.

"She had a full blown trout pout for a while" - discussing Girls Aloud singer Sarah Harding

"She does look a bit duck-like" - talking about Katie Price after her alleged collagen implants.

NOW. I'm not saying that I write this blog and only say nice things, but to take the piss out of celebrities when you have what looks like six cinder blocks stitched under your skin is hardly the way to go on, is it? Once again, here is a picture of Darryn Lyon's "realistic" abs...


...and here is a picture of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...

Brilliant.

2. Amanda Holden has some excellent news.


For obvious reasons, it hasn't exactly been a good year for Amanda Holden which is a shame because I am a big fan of hers and the way she has held her head high and soldiered on through it all is truly admirable.

Anyway, she has some very good news indeed because she has only gotten and got herself pregnant. Big congratulations to Amanda for:

1) Getting pregnant and preparing herself to give the gift of life to a new baby
2) Having sex more frequently than me, although there are homeless nuns who are no doubt getting it more than me, so this is hardly worth congratulations.

While this is brilliant news for Amanda and her family, who are no doubt over the moon, there is a sticky wicket in that Amanda is currently starring in London's West End, playing Princess Fiona in Shrek The Musical. She can hardly carry on that role when she's gestating a baby can she? NO SHE CAN NOT, she needs to sit at home with her feet up (although it's getting her legs in the air that got her into that state in the first place WAHEY).

Thankfully for Amanda, when she goes on maternity leave they've already found a perfect replacement for her. Someone energetic, lively, charismatic and ABOVE ALL so interesting that if you look directly at her you have a stroke. It's Kimberley Walsh.

GET ME TO THE THEATRE, NOW.

3. Mutya Buena has won her court case but they basically might as well have patted her on the head and gone "it's alright, Mutya, it's alright, who's a good girl, who's a good girl..?"


Yeah OK so the legend goes that a while ago three young girls got together to make a girl-group with a difference. This group was called Sugababes and consisted of Keisha Buchanan, Siobhan Donaghy (hipsters will try and tell you her solo stuff is "amazing" and it simply is not) and Mutya Buena.

Now you might not have realised this but over the years the line-up of the band has not always been consistent. Way back in the day Siobhan quit over rumours she was being bullied by Keisha and was replaced by Heidi Range (so-called because her age could RANGE from anywhere between 19-45).

Then Mutya decided she didn't have enough time to be a mother AND a popstar and decided to quit the band so she had more time to slob around the Celebrity Big Brother house (which she also quit because she is just a big quitter) and get gigantic bum implants. She was then replaced by Amelle Berrabah, who ended up forcing Keisha out of the band to be replaced by Jade Ewen. It's all very complicated, isn't it?

Unfortunately for some of the band's older fans, by the time the fourth line-up had been announced they felt that the group had strayed too far from their original ideals and all that. Just to give you an idea of this, here is a screen-grab from the group's debut video Overload:


Nice bit of demure angora from Siobhan "arty" Donaghy, there. Now let's have a look at the group's first video with their current line-up, About A Girl:


Hmmm, you can see their point a bit, can't you?

Anyway, ex-Sugababe Mutya Buena decided that the group shouldn't be allowed to call itself "Sugababes" anymore since none of its original members remained in the band, and in her eyes the name belonged to herself, Keisha and oh-so-arty Siobhan. I saw Siobhan Donaghy in Rent Remixed. She was OK.

Mutya decided to do something about this injustice and took the three current 'babes to court over it all, insisting if they want to continue as a band they'll have to change their name. She did quite well in the end, did our Mutya, and is now the owner of the name "Sugababes". Unfortunately for her, it's only in certain circumstances and the circumstances themselves aren't the best, I can tell you.

Rather embarrassingly, Mutya can only actually use the name Sugababes for "paper, cardboard and goods made from these materials - namely stationery, paper gift wrap and paper gift-wrapping ribbons". So basically, Mutya is free to bring out her own range of Sugababes hole-punchers while the current line-up continue to perform under their name. Brilliant stuff.

I must admit I have very little sympathy for Mutya. If she was really that bothered about Sugababes then she shouldn't really have quit in the first place, should she? She was not sacked from the group, she was not forced out by a record company or an angry band-mate, she left of her own accord. If you left your job as "office supervisor" and didn't like the ear-rings your replacement wore you wouldn't take her to court and insist she no longer be referred to as "office supervisor" would you? NO YOU BLOODY WOULD NOT.

Meanwhile, Amelle is trying to put all the ugliness behind her by posting the most mundane things you could possibly think of on Twitter:



Intrigued, I decided to contact Amelle myself on the site:


I fucking crack myself up, I can tell you.

Yeah so that's that.
Enjoy your lives because one day we will die.

Sunday, 21 August 2011

X Factor Roundup: Auditions (Part 1).


Well folks, The X Factor is finally back. Although they tried to keep it as quiet and low-key as possible *cruise-ship full of fireworks explodes firing the message "We Love Tulisa" over the night sky of Great Britain* you may still have heard that tonight saw the debut of THREE NEW JUDGES!

Simon and Cheryl both quit to do the American version of X Factor (a better decision for the former than it was the latter, I'm sure you'll agree), while Dannii Minogue was too busy doing...something. I dunno. Either way, it left Louis Walsh as the last judge standing alongside newcomers Kelly Rowland ("off Destiny's Child" and also "occasionally quite good solo star"), Gary Barlow ("off Take That" and also "quite impressive chest-hair have-r") and Tulisa ("off N-Dubz" and also "rather feisty ie. not willing to smile sweetly while The Daily Mail question her lifestyle and Heat magazine put a red ring around her cellulite).

It's not all about the judges, though (apparently). It's about the hunt for the UK's next superstar. Did we find it tonight? No we absolutely did not. I was literally flabbergasted at the absolute bell-ends who wandered onto the O2 stage tonight all in the name of getting a six-month recording contract and a guaranteed spot on the next series of Dancing On Ice/I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here/Popstar To Operastar. At one point I thought I might have sat on the remote and accidentally turned over from "ITV1" to the "24 Hour Parade Of Cunts" channel, but unfortunately this was not the case.

Let's remind ourselves of the "characters" we met this evening...

Frankie Cocozza

"To sum up my life", begins Frankie in his introductory video, "I'd probably use the word mental". Already I hate this person and I know literally nothing about him apart from the fact his name is Frankie and he believes his life is mental. You can already tell Frankie is one of those tedious individuals for whom "having fun" is actually a chore, and no night-out is complete without a photo of every single drink he's consumed over the evening (although thankfully a photograph of 4 empty bottles of WKD does not require a particularly wide-shot).

He states later that he's only doing The X Factor so he can "sleep with loads of girls". Christ alive, any lass who throws themselves at this twerp deserves every unpleasant sexually transmitted infection going. That's not all, though. He goes on to say that if you went on a night out with him you'd wake up "wondering what happened last night". In case this happened to you I will happily fill you in.

What Happened On Your Night Out With Fun-Time Frankie:
7.30pm Dropped off in town by Frankie's mam at 7.30pm. Make sure you give her a text if you think you're going to be out late so she knows whether or not to wait up for him.
7.45pm Arrive at your first bar. Wonder why it is so empty. Decide that it is because everyone else is pussies and you are going to stay up all night.
7.50pm First drink. WKD each. Your round.
8.20pm Frankie has officially run out of funny stories. There are now about 8 people in the bar.
8.25pm Second drink, WKD each again. Your round again while Frankie goes to the toilet because he feels a bit sick.
9.35pm You're now onto your third drink. The DJ is playing a David Guetta song. Frankie is properly drunk and dancing like a right tit. He is sweating quite a lot, and has suggested you get you a vodka each while Frankie goes and talks to the group of lasses "eyeing him up".
9.45pm You come back from the bar with a vodka and coke each. You drink yours casually, but Frankie sips his suspiciously. "Is this a double," he asks. You reply that it's a single. You ask where those girls are and it turns out Frankie mistakenly thought the girls were eyeing him up but in fact they just couldn't believe how ridiculous has dancing was.
9.55pm Frankie gets turned down by his second girl of the night. He flashes her the tattoo on his arse. Just as you finish your vodka and coke, Frankie runs to the toilet.
10pm Frankie is not yet back from the toilet.
10.05pm Frankie is back from the toilet. One of the girls who Frankie flashed his arse at earlier comes over and talks to you. She is pretty in a "not obvious" way.
10.10pm Frankie comes back from the toilets with blood-shot eyes. You ask him if he's alright. "I'm fine," he replies, "my mum's coming for us in 10 minutes". You wonder why this is if Frankie is genuinely "fine". It is only then you realise Frankie has sick on his trainers. The girl wanders off, disgusted.
10.50pm You are home. Your parents take the piss out of you for being home so early, then realise you are upset and decide to leave it.
10.55pm You see a Facebook update from someone you wish you could have been out with. "Pre-drinks over," it says, "can't wait to get our dance on".
11.10pm Cry yourself to sleep, and remind yourself you don't owe Frankie anything as he does nothing but weigh you down.

Before he's even sung a note, Frankie has flashed the judges his arse which has the names of seven different girls on. Kelly Rowland says she'd love to be the eighth name on his list. I remind you this is the woman behind Independent Woman and Survivor. Sickening.

Have we seen the last of Frankie?: Regrettably not, I imagine.

Kitty Brucknell

Because Katie Waissel was such a hit with the British public last year, X Factor producers have luckily found a clone of her to go through except even less likeable. Before she even opens her mouth to sing we're inundated with a list of things she does that make her a star. She has certain choreographers she prefers, certain producers she'd like to work with. She even has a name for her own style. The name is so cutting edge you might want to sit down if you aren't already. Are you read for this..?

Diva. Glam. Pop.

Jesus fucking Christ, what is with the contestants this year? By this stage in the programme we've only seen two and they've both got egos so big that they fill the entire O2 arena by themselves. Then Kitty decides she's going to perform The Edge of Glory acapella. It's OK. A bit shouty.

THEN SHE SITS DOWN ON THE BLOODY STAGE RIGHT WHEN THEY'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF GIVING HER THEIR FEEDBACK. "I always wanted to sit here," she says, interrupting poor Louis Walsh, "so I'm going to sit here right now". Fucking hell what a non-conformist. SITTING DOWN. ON A STAGE?? And here's me thinking Madonna was cutting edge dancing in front of burning crucifixes and shagging a black saint on an altar. Madonna doesn't know shit, she never sat down IN FRONT OF TULISA FROM N-DUBZ.

Have we seen the last of Kitty?: With zero likeability and slightly-above-zero talent, I'd like to think the producers of X Factor wouldn't be stupid enough to force her down the public's throats. Then again, you just don't know, do you?

Janet Devlin

People just aren't called Janet anymore, are they? It's a shame. So anyway the instrumental of Adele's Set Fire To The Rain starts and it's obvious we're in for some serious stuff. This next singer has had to overcome something. And she begins to tell us about her life.

"My house is quite literally in the middle of nowhere," she says. And it's obvious what her sob story is. To audition for The X Factor she has had to cross-over from another dimension which doesn't mathematically exist because there is nothing around it. SHE WANTS TO NOT USE THE WORD "LITERALLY" IF SHE'S THEN GOING TO USE A METAPHOR, DOESN'T SHE? Already I dislike her. Then on she goes to exploit her small home town in Northern Ireland where she explains, "because of where I live I do spend a lot of time in my room, reading writing and singing".

Now I'm not being funny but there were riots all over the UK last week, and some people were too scared shitless to leave their homes for fear of having their heads kicked in. Now THAT is confinement. Someone wants to have a word with this small-town girl and tell her things could be a lot worse than having to stay in. "OH BOO HOO HOO I HAVE TO DRIVE TWENTY MINUTES IF I WANT A BIG MAC AND ALL I CAN SEE FROM MY BACK WINDOW IS GREEN FIELDS". Listen here, Princess, out of my back window I can see the charred remains of Hebburn New Town Club and a Netto in the distance, nowhere is perfect.

Anyway, all that aside she sings the Ellie Goulding version of Your Song which, if you ask, me is the worst audition song in the history of the world because you can't show off your voice with it (having said that I did get through the first round of The X Factor 2008 singing the Elton John version, little-known fact about me there!), and the judges all get a bit weepy because "ooh isn't she nervous". She's that smug kind of nervous where she pretends not to know how good she is even though she's actually not as good as she thinks she is. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

I'll admit she was my favourite of the auditionees on tonight's show but that's a bit like saying "of all the hoodies who beat my grandma up and shit in her handbag, you are my favourite".

Have we seen the last of Janet?: No we definitely have not, and I can't wait to research her home-town and find out it actually has its own bowling alley, cinema and Quasar Laser.

George Gerasimou

When first we meet George, we're immediately taken on a trip down memory lane to when he was a part of R&B trio Triple Trouble who went on to tell Simon Cowell to "shut up" and stormed off the stage in a rage (poet and I didn't even know it) when they were given a unanimous "no" from the previous set of judges.

We're told George is here to "clear his name" as he wants to prove to the new load of judges that he's a changed man and will no longer storm around acting like a prick. "What a nice young man," I thought, "he's accepted he's made mistakes in the past and here he is ready to move on. Admirable. I even fancy him a bit if I'm honest, even if he is a bit rough".

He then tells the judges he's singing Ne-Yo's Give Me Everything and it's at this point I realised George had no interest in clearing his name and becoming a popstar. Realistically, if you were that determined to be a popstar, you'd know that Ne-Yo is only a featured artist on Give Me Everything. That might sound a bit petty, but realistically you would know, wouldn't you? This young man just wants to get on the telly again as the lads round his way have forgotten he was ever on The X Factor and stopped offering him blow-jobs.

The music starts and, predictably, he's atrocious. He gives it his best shot and it's all a bit awkward. Clearly he was hoping the judges would tear into him straight away, he could say his piece and stride off. But they don't. These judges are fresh out the box, they aren't jaded like Simon and Dannii were, and they're prepared to shuffle awkwardly in his seat until he's finished. So George decides to take things into his own hands and wander into the audience.

It's at this point Gary Barlow can take no more and raises his hand to stop the music. George is a bit perplexed, and as the audience start to boo he warns, "don't start". This is it, the facade is falling at this point and Tulisa tells him she can tell he's still an aggressive character. Louis starts to say his piece and tells him he has "no likeability at all" (incidentally I think likeability is a word made up entirely by Louis Walsh that has now fallen casually into every day useage). I personally think this is a bit of a harsh comment, and wish Louis hadn't been quite so brutal.

HOWEVER, IT TURNS OUT THAT ONCE AGAIN I HAVE MISJUDGED GEORGE as at this point in the proceedings he starts banging on about how Tulisa is no replacement for previous judge Cheryl Cole, calling Tulisa a "scumbag from the block" and some other word we don't know because it's bleeped out and they put one of those comedy Xs over his mouth.

I don't know a lot about Tulisa but I'll tell you what I do know, and that is the fact she has not had an easy life. I know she has had a difficult life, suffering from anorexia and self-harm, growing up in a rough council estate and caring for her mother from a young age who suffers from schizophrenia. Whatever your opinions on the group N-Dubz (personally I think they're a heap of shite apart from that Playing With Fire song), you have to admire the fact that they've worked their arses off to get where they are today. They didn't mouth off on a reality show to get where they are, they have worked hard for it.

This is why I have a lot of respect for Tulisa, even more so after some low-life decides to come on the telly calling her a dog just because of her background and the fact she isn't Cheryl Cole. If that were me I couldn't have kept cool, but she managed to and that is why George was the one who ended up walking away looking like an idiot. There were a lot of pricks on tonight's X Factor but George has successfully been remembered as the biggest one of the lot. Idiot.


Have we seen the last of George?: Unless he comes on in the montage of "joke auditions" in the finale dressed as a dog or something, I presume that we have indeed seen the last of him. Here's hoping anyway.

AND FINALLY...

Hilarious X Factor Visual Of The Night

Goldie Cheung being sick into a Morrisons carrier bag.

Oh, X Factor.
YOU HAVE BEEN MISSED.

Watch the auditions yourself:
Frankie Cocozza - Valerie
George Gerasimou - Give Me Everything
Goldie Cheung - Copper Bell/Proud Mary
Janet Devlin - Your Song
Kitty Brucknell - The Edge of Glory