Thursday, 23 June 2011


Right so you might remember last month I wrote something rather cruel along the lines of BRITNEY SPEARS IS A JOKE SHE IS A FLACID PENIS I HOPE SHE GETS HIT BY A BUS etc. after her two fairly ropey performances at the AMA Awards. Before you all judge me too harshly I got a load of comments and tweets going YES DANIEL YOU'RE RIGHT I CURSE THE DAY BRITNEY WAS BORN I WILL SPIT ON HER GRAVE AND IF I EVER SAW HER IN THE STREET I WOULD KICK HER IN THE SHINS AND STEAL HER PURSE, so you're all just as bad. I'll forgive you, though, because I love you all that much.

Anyway, the blog in question concluded with the rather ominous-sounding "The I Wanna Go video is coming soon. Watch this space" (seriously, who the fuck do I think I am sometimes?). This was literally me writing Britney Spears off and going "unless her next video is good WHICH IT WON'T BE I am denouncing myself as a Britney fan and will shit on her grandmother's head if ever I get the opportunity". The thing is, though, the I Wanna Go video made its online debut yesterday and it is really rather good. Would you like me to talk you through it? OF COURSE YOU FUCKING WOULD.

So evidently the whole thing kicks off in a press conference. BRITNEY IS GOING TO SEND UP THE FACT SHE IS HOUNDED BY THE MEDIA. WHAT A FRESH IDEA. We've never seen this in her Hold It Against Me, If U Seek Amy, Piece Of Me, Everytime, Overprotected and Lucky videos, have we?

It turns out this is a much more humorous attempt than all those other times though, with the journalists asking "is it true you've banned junk food, smiles, candy, sunshine and laughter from your Femme Fatale" tour and her responding "yes, yes it is" totally deadpan. Frankly it's the best acting she's ever done. She's also wearing a t-shirt showing a skull with Mickey Mouse ears, which is truly an Illuminati conspiracist's wet dream. Eventually she gets annoyed by the random questions, says "fuck you" to the journalists and storms out.

And storm out she does! Look at her go! Let's be honest, it's the best she's looked probably since Womanizer but she's looking a bit Avril Lavigne-esque with the spikey boots and the pink highlights. Avril Lavigne herself is too old to pull that shit off, so for the rest of the video you have to forget the fact that Britney turns 30 years old later this year. Presumably that's what she wants us to do, so on we go...

A fan asks her to sign his copy of Britney's album AND SHE SQUEEZES HIS ARSE. Have you ever squeezed someone's arse before in total seriousness? I have, once. This lad was bent over in Powerhouse and I was mortal so I squeezed his arse. I didn't even fancy him, to be honest. He didn't look impressed. Who the fuck can blame him really? I REGRET NOTHING.

I suspect this young man is homosexual. Sorry Britney.

She's over it already, though, and has now moved on to flashing her tits on the street like a true Geordie lass. Next time Britney's up North I swear I'm taking her to Mushroom for some Jägerbombs, and if I end up getting off with her in Magic Flame later in the night then so be it.

After flashing her tits to the world, Britney has deemed it inappropriate that someone might want to photograph her so she pure flings his camera to the ground. Almost as amazing as Björk beating up the paparazzi, but not quite.

At this point Britney gets on top of a taxi. I'm not sure why, but this is the point in the video when, watching it for the first time, I thought "wow this is a good video, the girl did good this time". Look at what the cinema is showing, for heaven's sake, now that is attention to detail.

Due to the microphone in her hand being, seemingly, endless, she is able to knock the paparazzi from the tops of the surrounding cars with it. HOORAY!

Unfortunately for Britney it turns out the paparazzi are all cyborgs and can't be destroyed by hitting them just once. Perhaps she needs to hit them, baby, one more time (HAHAHAHAHAHA etc.)

Meanwhile, in another shot, Britney pulls some brilliant facial expressions. Evidently all the time she's been spending with Nicki Minaj has paid off.

LOOK AT DEM TITTIES. At this point, Britney is wondering what her next move is. She is surrounded by cyborg photographers. "What shall I do?" she thinks to herself...

..."I KNOW I'LL TAKE MY TOP OFF". Thankfully Guillermo from Weeds has arrived to rescue Britney and they run off together in his car (weirdly in this clip he is also named Guillermo. Is it the same character? Is Britney a Weeds fan? Or is it just a nice bit of casual racism with the presupposition that all Hispanic Americans are called Guillermo?)

Now I'm not being funny but I knew a woman once who tried to escape photographers in a car. Her name was Lady Diana. And if her death taught us one thing it's the importance of wearing a seat-belt when you're running away from photographers. Clearly this image does not faze Britney, who couldn't give a shit about seat-belts, or cardigans. SHE'LL CATCH HER DEATH IN THAT (more proof Britney is, at heart, a Geordie lass. Imagine her in Greggs...)

"We've all been there", Britney thinks to herself.

(It's milk, in case you were wondering. At this point it turns from an Avril Lavigne video into a Ke$ha video but we're nearly at the end now so it's alright)

OH BLOODY HELL IT WAS ALL A DREAM. Disappointing stuff.

EXCEPT IT'S ALRIGHT COS GUILLERMO IS HERE! But it's not, really, cos it turns out he's a cyborg too. This all seems a bit Adnan-esque, doesn't it? Britney befriends paparazzi who isn't all he seems...? I wonder if that was intentional. Who knows? Britney probably doesn't even know. Because she, herself, is the true cyborg in all of this, which was probably the underlying message in all of this.

Oh! If you actually want to watch the video yourself, here it is:

In conclusion, Britney Spears has done a good thing and is therefore back in my good books. She will, of course, bollocks it up again like she always does. Or maybe she won't. Who the fuck's Britney Spears we're talking about.

SIDENOTE: If hearing me being catty about celebrities is something you enjoy then don't forget for the next three weeks I'm presenting a show on Pride Radio, every weekday from 12pm-2pm on 87.9FM if you're in the North East or online HERE if you're anywhere else in the world. Tune in for everything you'd expect (GaGa, RiRi, Nicki, Britney and bitching.) It's a reet laugh.

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Do you like my hair?

Twitter is full of all kinds of bell-ends. There are super-fans of Lady GaGa and Justin Bieber who'd happily scratch the eyes out of your head if you say anything uncomplimentary about their beloved idols. There are people like myself who naively believe the world wants to hear that they're pouring themselves a glass of water, or that they can't decide what shoes to put on.

More elusive than those, however, are the real jewel of Twitter: minor celebrities. These celebrities who fill your news feed with nonsense that, if they weren't famous, you wouldn't give a flying fuck about. More importantly, these celebrities often feel they are doing people a great service by posting the goings on from their mundane lives for their "fans" to read, when in fact the only people who read their tweets are sites like Digital Spy who are desperate for a tweet interesting enough that they can turn it into a news story.

My own dalliance with minor celebrities started a long time ago when I randomly sent a tweet to one of my favourite popstars Darren Hayes and was shocked to receive this reply:

What a thrill to receive such a compliment from a celebrity- especially one I held in such high esteem. Flattered, I eventually got over this brush with fame. But it was not to last. If you follow me on Twitter you'll have noticed that spamming celebrities to find out what they think of my hair quickly developed from a past-time into a sport, and finally into a full-blown obsession. This is my Twitter profile picture:

It all started innocently enough when I saw that former Big Brother contestant Makosi was tweeting about Jesus. "Twitter isn't the place to be bombarding people with religious beliefs", I thought to myself. I decided that, as a way of making my followers laugh, I would ask Makosi- in response to her religious tweet- what she thought of my hair. I was surprised when I saw Makosi's reply pop up in my timeline:

"What a fun idea," I thought to myself. I'll ask minor celebrities what they think of my hair. The first few replies, from Michelle Heaton, Holly Valance and X Factor guest Sinitta, came relatively easily:

I quickly learned that if a celebrity didn't reply the first time you asked them, you could simply pester them into replying. At this point I knew there was no going back, and that spamming celebrities into telling me what they thought of my hair was slowly taking over my life. But I simply could not be stopped:

However, soon enough the celebrity-baiting began to go to my head, and not everyone I asked was quite willing to join in the fun, such as former Big Brother winner Brian Dowling, who was less than impressed when I asked him what he thought of my hair:

Thankfully, though, most celebrities were more than willing to indulge me, even if their reply was less than flattering:

News about my celebrity-stalking began to spread over Twitter and I developed quite a name for myself:

Now I will admit that this blog started out as a rant about how Steve Brookstein, winner of the first series of The X Factor, refused to tell me what he thought of my hair. In one night I asked him about ten times what he thought of my hair, and to no avail. I planned to get all of my blog readers on my side to spam Steve Brookstein into telling me what he thought of my hair. It was going to be epic. The next morning, however, I awoke to this tweet:

Admittedly, he later went on to confess he was less than interested in my hair, but I got a reply nonetheless which blew my plan out of the water. I needed a new celebrity to target specifically, so I could retire from the asking-minor-celebrities-what-their-opinion-of-my-hair-is-game gracefully. The question is: which minor celebrity would be good enough that a reply from them would mean I could step out of the world of celebrity-harrassment feeling I'd had a good run. And then it hit me...

Nadine Coyle.

In order to get this most elusive minor celebrity opinion I will need your help, my beloved blog readers. I know I haven't been there for you recently, with my bitchy comments and snide remarks, but I do still love you and I need you- as Bonnie Tyler once said- more than ever.

1. Follow Nadine Coyle on Twitter. Perhaps you do already, in which case the plan is already complete. If you don't you can find her here (there is also a hilarious parody account of her here which I also recommend).
2. Sit patiently until she tweets something. This part of the plan requires 0 effort.
3. The second she tweets ANYTHING ask if her she likes my (@sillyolddaniel) hair.
4. Ask her again just for good measure.
5. Encourage others to do the same. Basically we're going to spam the shit out of her.

I have forgotten what the point of this was, but as soon as I get a reply from Nadine it will be my last celeb-stalk for a long time (truthfully I think what started out as a joke has developed into a monster, and we all know how much I hate running jokes) so let's make this a good 'un, shall we? YES WE SHALL.

SIDENOTE: While I have your attention it may interest you to know that I'm now hosting my own radio show every weekday afternoon 12pm-2pm on Pride Radio. It's basically an extension of this blog with celebrity nonsensical chit-chat, camp classics and chart tunes. It is, literally, a right laugh. You can either listen to it online here or, if you're in the North East area, tune your radio into 87.9FM. I love being a part of the station so if you're a fan of the blog then I guarantee the show will be up your street and it would be great if you could listen :) CHEERS!