Monday, 25 April 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Hello everyone. I do hope you're all well and had a lovely Easter. I went to church!! I was pleasantly surprised when my skin didn't start to burn and I didn't burst into flames when I touched the holy water, so all-in-all it was a success. I'm putting off writing an essay so I might as well get on with a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup since I'm sure you've all missed me...

1. Girls Aloud are getting back together in 2012.


Once upon a time there lived three beautiful princesses, one plain princess and one minger. Everyone in the kingdom picked up their phones and voted for them to be a girl-band. They were called Girls Aloud. Unfortunately an ancient spell meant that an evil queen (Louis Walsh) had to be their manager, and he made terrible decisions. He put a spell on the minger (Nicola Roberts) to ensure that she was always covered in fake tan and had to dye her hair to try and make people forget that she was a ginger. One day she kissed a frog and the spell was broken, and suddenly she turned into a beautiful princess.

The girls had an unbreakable bond, and soon enough everyone in the kingdom thought they were the most beautiful princesses in the land. Even the completely uninteresting Kimberley Walsh became something of a household name. But it wasn't to last. A handsome prince named Simon Cowell fell out with an ogre named Sharon Osbourne, so he hypnotised

Princess Cheryl Cole with his dazzling teeth and soon enough she was a judge on The X Factor and the most famous woman in Britain. Everybody loved her, even though she once punched a witch in the face for not letting her have an enchanted lollipop. Suddenly Princess Cheryl realised she didn't need the other four to be successful, so the group decided to take a year off.

What the girls didn't realise was that this "year off" would last a hundred years, and in their time away from each other Nadine Coyle would be cursed by a gypsy and given a hundred years of bad luck. Meanwhile Cheryl would spend all her time with a mystical fairy called Derek Hough. Sarah Harding, meanwhile, found a mystical potion in the forest and spent most of her time off drinking that:


"Would the girls ever get back together?" asked pop-hungry homosexuals all over the kingdom who simply weren't satisfied with The Saturdays.

Well the good news is, folks, that Girls Aloud's manager has confirmed that they will be re-uniting in 2012 for their 10-year anniversary. However, apparently there won't be any new material, and it may just be for a few select gigs. "A few select gigs" does not exactly sound like a tour, does it?

Just in case you're suffering from amnesia and have forgotten how brilliant Girls Aloud are, here is The Loving Kind:



No disrespect but if you don't like that song then fuck off, will you?

2. Brace yourselves, Kerry Katona is gonna do a song for us.


You've seen her slurring on This Morning, you've seen her stumbling around on Dancing On Ice and you've seen her pissing in a mug and going "NO DRUGS FOR ME THANKS" on The Next Chapter- the question is; why the fuck is Kerry Katona even famous in the first place?

Well before she became the most hated woman in Britain (and then someone everyone in Britain was completely indifferent towards as I am now), Kerry actually won a reality TV show when she appeared on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. That series had a lot to answer for as it also launched the relationship of Katie Price and Peter Andre, and then the media career of Kerry Kabloodytona.

Before that, though, she was a singer in Atomic Kitten. Remember? She did the spoken bit in Whole Again before she got pregnant with Brian McFadden. I wonder if she inspired that song he wrote about date raping someone...?:



Well in a shock twist, Kerry has decided that now her career is back on track it's time to take another stab at her music career and has teamed up with dance producer Basshunter for You're Not Alone, a song intended to be 2011's "summer jam" in the vain of David Guetta's When Love Takes Over and Sexy Bitch.

If you're not familiar with the works of Basshunter, he recorded a few songs which were alright, appeared on Celebrity Big Brother and made friends with Alex Reid and upset that lass who used to be shagging Ronnie Wood by not falling instantly in love with her, then was arrested on charges of sexual assault or something like that. Before all that, though, he had an orgy at his parents' house (link NSFW OBVIOUSLY) and took loads of pictures of it. Here's one that, this being a family blog, I have had to sensitively censor:


Kerry Katona and Basshunter. Isn't it brilliant when two wholesome stars get together? They're like Same Difference 2.0.

3. Britney Spears has a new celebrity friend.


After announcing they were hitting the road on the Femme Fatale tour, Britney Spears and Nicki Minaj have collaborated on a remix of Britney's latest single Till The World Ends which also features a guest performance from Ke$ha, who co-wrote the track. You can listen to it here:



I'M NICKI MINAJ AND THAT'S KE$HA

Nicki's part is predictably mad-as-a-box-of-frogs (what's not to love about a rap song which mentions the word "poultry"), and I think Ke$ha sounds brilliant on the track as well; but surely I can't be the only one who thinks Britney sounds like she's in the way on her own track here? You know I love Britney but I really just don't think she's cutting it.

Anyway, on the night the track leaked, Britney tweeted that she was hanging backstage with Nicki Minaj at one of her club gigs, and before you knew it photos like this were cropping up online:


Well let's be honest, Britney looks absolutely pissed in this picture. And why shouldn't she- she is nightclubbing? The thing with Britney is, we know she isn't perfect now we've seen her at her absolute worst so I feel quite patronised when I see photos where she's airbrushed and backlit within an inch of her life to make her look like she is perfect. Pictures like this where she looks like a person on a night out are what I wanna see. Unfortunately THIS is what Britney tweeted...


...which is basically so airbrushed she might as well have just posted this...

Jesus.

That's it. Hope you enjoyed that.
LATERS.

Friday, 22 April 2011

Fittie Of The Week: Celebrity Brothers.

So, as soon as I saw Jedward on the cover of this month's GT magazine I knew immediately it was important that they be Fittie Of The Week. The magazine is out now. I feel I should publicise this fact, and will feel less bad about publicising images from inside of it. I know they aren't to everyone's tastes, but I literally love them:


Then, however, I saw these rather lovely photos of The Jonas Brothers (minus the minging, married one) frolicking about on the beach in Hawaii, making them the second set of celebrity brothers to make my pupils dilate in the past week:


I've never really paid attention to Nick Jonas before, but I am definitely going to in the future, such as this photo I nicked off Vera:

Beautiful.

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


Hiya everyone! I do hope you're all well. If you're reading this because you think that the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup is absolutely TOP BANANA then get over to the Spark site where you can read something what I wrote for them, which is also about celebrities. Because that is literally all I am capable of writing about. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE CELEBRITIES BEEN DOING WITH THEMSELVES SINCE LAST WE SPOKE?

1. Simon Cowell is getting rid of all of the dead weights in his life (cue a sequence of him completely re-inventing his life set to Independent Woman by Destiny's Child).


US X Factor has been hyped for so long that I'm beginning to think that it will never actually exist, and Simon Cowell has been having us on all this time, knowing full well that the speculation of who will be joining him on the judging panel is enough of a distraction for us not to notice that the show does not exist.

However, he of high trousers and flat hair has decided that the possibly non-existent reality show is pretty important because it's been announced this week that Simon will be stepping down as judge on the UK series of the show, which he has been a part of since it first aired seven years ago. Apparently he will still be "involved" with the show, but on a smaller scale which we all know is a bit like when your mam and step-dad split up and he says he will still "be there", knowing full well he has no intention of ever being involved in your life ever again.

That's not the only announcement Simon has made this week, though. It was a long time coming but the game is finally up for former X Factor champions Shayne Ward and Joe McElderry, who have both been dropped by Cowell's SyCo label, reportedly due to poor record sales. Matt Cardle must be shitting himself.

I feel bad for Shayne and Joe, though. They're both really talented lads, and with the right promotion Shayne Ward could genuinely have been a massive star. He is also, let's not forget, really fit. Here he is in a vest top:

Lovely.

2. Jedward get their kit off for Gay Times.


While poor old Geordie Joe is stood in line at the Jobcentre, his fellow X Factor alumni Jedward aren't showing any signs of going anywhere just yet with a tour lined up to promote their upcoming second album and plans to represent Ireland in this year's Eurovision song contest. Better still, they're reminding the homos of Great Britain they still exist by taking their clothes off.

Now I'm not shy about saying this, but I proper love Jedward. Fair enough they have the worst personalities ever, but they have really beautiful faces and their Eurovision song is actually really good. AND THERE'S TWO OF THEM. So when I saw on Twitter they were on the cover of the latest GT magazine I almost choked (and I mean that literally as I soon afterwards had an asphixy-wank).

In the interview accompanying the photo-shoot they revealed that despite the fact they have women throwing themselves at them around the clock that they have taken a vow of celibacy because if they were to have sex it would be "a huge press story". They've also brushed off rumours that they were gay saying they have no problems if people think they're gay, but they do like girls.

One moment please.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??

Sorry about that.

3. Lady GaGa's new album cover is fucking minging.


First off, have you heard Lady GaGa's new single Judas? It is, without wanting to exaggerate, THE BEST SONG LADY GAGAA HAS EVER DONE. I know I'm always quite harsh about GaGa on this blog, calling her pretentious and making fun of the bullshit she spouts on a daily basis, but you can't argue with a song as frantic and mental and lush-sounding as Judas.

However, GaGa giveth with Judas and GaGa taketh away just as easily. On the same day Judas was released onto iTunes she also unveiled the artwork for her upcoming second album Born This Way and it is not pretty. Have a look for yourself:


What. The. Fuck. I tell you what it is, if Lady GaGa really was "born this way" then I feel sorry for her poor mother pushing a whole motorbike out of her fanny. Seriously- what was she thinking with this monstrosity? It just looks...hideous. Grotesque.

I tell you what it is, though, Christina Aguilera can't help herself copying off Lady GaGa, can she? Have you seen her new album cover???


That woman has no shame.

I'm done.
Laters!

Friday, 15 April 2011

10 Reasons The X Factor is brilliant.

Time is officially up for Joe McElderry, as it's been confirmed today that he has been dropped from his record contract at Simon Cowell's SyCo label after his last single peaked at Number 68. He had a good run, three number 1 singles (though two of them were charity singles and one of them was kept from the Christmas number 1 spot by a bitter Facebook campaign set up by dickheads who think the Christmas number 1 is so sacred only "real" musicians like Rage Against The Machine should be able to achieve it).

NME were quick to jump on this, as you might imagine. This story is to them what a gang of Muslims knifing a nun is to The Daily Mail, it's a brilliant chance for them to point the finger and go "oooh we were right all along". They tweeted this when the news broke...


...linking to a "hilarious" (translated: obvious) slideshow of past contestants who've been on The X Factor and failed miserably at their music career BECAUSE YOU KNOW THE X FACTOR DOESN'T CARE ABOUT REAL MUSIC IT JUST WANTS TO MAKE MONEY!!!!!

Fuck off, yeah? Frankly, anyone who applies for The X Factor and isn't ready to be manipulated and moulded into whatever Simon Cowell wants you to be is an idiot who deserves to made a fool of. If you ask me, the worst kind of contestant is the people like Nicolo Festa who get voted out in the first week, blame the fact Simon wouldn't let them "be themselves" and then pretend they were only ever part of it as some sort of post-modern experiment in the first place. Pull the other one, Nicolo, you were on that show for the same reason as Katie Waissel and Olly Murs- to get your face on the telly and maybe get laid for a few months after your time on the show ends.

And so, as a tribute to Joe whose career didn't do as well as it could have for whatever reason, here is a list of 10 amazing things that would not have existed were it not for The X Factor...

1. Joe McElderry - Ambitions

What better way to start than with poor old Joe, eh? His music career might be over (for now), but let's remember the good times with Ambitions, a song me and Carla played on our Pride show almost every week. Last year on Halloween I was trying to do the (fabulous/horrendous) dance routine to this song and accidentally elbowed Sophie in the face. That, my friends, is a real moment.

2. Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love


Fair enough, as time has gone on we've since realised that Leona Lewis has all the personality of a box of hair, but before some geezer punched her in the face (can you imagine punching poor Leona in the face, it'd be like drop-kicking Elmo), she gave us this, the sexiest song about haemorrhaging ever. You simply can't deny the power of Bleeding Love. Especially that bit when she hits the high note and in the video the sprinklers come on. MORE SPRINKLERS IN MUSIC VIDEOS PLEASE, MUSIC INDUSTRY.


Fantastic.

3. Cheryl's debut solo performance.

Not to disregard Lady GaGa's contributions over the past few years, but when Cheryl Cole stepped out on The X Factor stage and sang Fight For This Love it was the moment I knew pop music was well and truly back. Weeks before Cheryl even hit the stage people had already written her off, claiming there was no way she'd be able to pull off a performance as huge as the one that lay ahead of her. And she bloody well did. Fair enough, when she came back a year later and did Promise This it was somewhat ropey, but you can not dispute the fact she did a good job of that- the first solo performance she'd ever done after Girls Aloud "disbanded". It then inspired my Halloween costume a year later:

Hot stuff.

4. The Lloyd Daniels calendar.

Seriously, I spent most of X Factor willing Lloyd Daniels to get his kit off. Then he did. And all was well with the world. Special mention must also go to JLS in this particular photo:


Yes their music is terrible, but you would, wouldn't you? Yes you would, don't lie.

5. Alexandra Burke - Bad Boys


Now I'll be the first to admit that Alexandra Burke spends most of the above music video looking like she needs to run a brush through her hair, but everything about this song is fantastic. Who doesn't love a bad boy, really? Well that's a lie actually, I'd much rather have an awkward, lanky boy with a nervous laugh and big hands but that's just me. The fact its follow-up was Broken Heels, cranking up the camp value even further, just adds to the charm of Alexandra Burke. Well done all concerned.

6. Rachel Adedeji falling over.


Wheeeey! Look at her go.

7. Sinitta wearing items as clothes.

Long before Lady GaGa put a lobster on her head or made a poncho out of Kermit The Frog dolls, Sinitta put on this bizarre little number made out of fans. She was later seen modelling an outfit made out of leaves. As much an important part of The X Factor as the weirdos at the first auditions or THE MAAAAAAN WITH THE BIIIIG VOOOOOICE.

8. That lass punching her mate in the face


THE moment of last year's X Factor. Literally doesn't get old. Catch the full audition here, which is always worth a watch as well, but the punch is evidently the best bit. Eeeeh remember when she got her tits out for The Daily Sport as well? Literally amazing.

9. Cher Lloyd


Oh, Cher. Princess of swagger, former gypsy, right up Cheryl Cole's street, gettin' haters like you wouldn't believe Cher Lloyd. I said in a blog yesterday that Cher Lloyd's album is my personal most anticipated release of 2011 and I do indeed stand by that. The above video is my favourite Cher performance of the year because you knew by this stage it really didn't matter if she went out of the competition, because she would still be a star. And she will be. I LOVE YOU CHER LLOYD.

10. Sharon Osbourne walking into a door.


She was replaced by national treasure Cheryl Cole, so it's quite easy to forget that Sharon Osbourne was ever a part of The X Factor panel, but she was responsible for some brilliant moments. Most of it included storming off the panel or chucking water in people's faces, but her defining moments came when she and Louis would openly laugh in contestants' faces. Not like a cheeky giggle, just full on MEGA LOLZ laughing unashamedly as people tried to perform. The second best instance of this comes from this clip in Series 1, where a lady named Penelope is trying to sing Fields Of Gold. However, the above clip is what Sharon's giggles were all about. Not only does it show you quite how isolated Dannii Minogue felt on that panel (MEGA LOLZ at her pretending to laugh so she can be sent out with Louis and Sharon too), Sharon is so hysterical she then bashes her plastic face on the door on her way out. BRILLIANT.


I know I said ten, but it wouldn't be right to not include:

11. Kelly Osbourne calling Dannii Minogue the devil

In all seriousness, this amazing piece of pop culture history would never have happened were it not for The X Factor. And for that reason alone, I thank Simon Cowell for bringing it into my life.

Thursday, 14 April 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I fancy writing another blog so that's what I'm going to do. Four days into my Easter break (or as they say in the U S of A SPRING BREAAAK) and I have thus far written 20 words of an essay, which I think is commendable and therefore I'm giving myself a break from that exhausting work and writing a blog instead. It is time for a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup, so FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS FOLKS IT'S GOING TO BE A WILD RIDE (translation: not that wild in reality).

1. Has Britney been trying to pull the wool over our eyes?


I've always been quick to defend Britney Spears as she lip-syncs her way through her life, because truthfully I think if a performance itself is entertaining enough then it doesn't really matter if someone is singing live or not because you're still being entertained by them.

However as the Femme Fatale album campaign has dragged itself along, I've been feeling more and more let down by Britney's performances and TV appearances, she simply doesn't look like she wants to be there anymore, her dancing is below average and she's making no attempt to at least make it look like she is singing live. All in all I genuinely don't think she's living up to the hype she created for herself during the recording of the album.

As if all this isn't bad enough, if reports are to be believed Britney has sunk even further and is now recruiting a body double to dance for her in music videos. While this isn't the first time Britney has been accused of having someone do her more difficult dance moves for her, this is the first time there has been evidence as these stills from her most recent music video for the single Till The World Ends:


While the girls in these photos is wearing the same outfit and sporting the same rancid weave as Britney, the face is clearly not hers. Apparently the face is that of Tiana Brown, a dancer who has toured with Christina Aguilera in the past. Alarmingly, Camp Britney is yet to comment on this, and it's looking like this is just going to be another sadly accepted truth in the utterly synthetic world of Britney Jean Spears. The question is, if she didn't write the song, the singing is AutoTuned and the dancing in the video isn't even her, exactly what about this is a Britney Spears video?

2. Justin Bieber has had enough.


As part of his My Worlds tour, Justin Bieber is currently in Israel. Very exciting for him, being a devout Christian and everything, re-tracing Jesus's footsteps and all that. At least that's what he hoped, but unfortunately for The Biebs paparazzi have been following him ever since he first arrived in The Holy Land.

So angered was Justin by the fact photographers were preventing him from enjoying his religious experience he took to his Twitter to vent his frustration:


LOL he spelled Israel wrong. Still, you do feel bad for Justin when he's tweeting things like this:


Eventually, in news that shocked Beliebers the world over, Justin decided that it was time to chuck the towel in with Twitter for a while and take a break from tweeting- and I say good for him if I had all the abuse he gets I'd feel exactly the same:


You probably saw this coming a mile off, but Kelly Osbourne felt the need to stick her oar in as well:


3. The Cher Lloyd album campaign is officially underway.


Since last year's X Factor I have been awaiting Cher Lloyd's debut album more than any other release in 2011 (apart from the Nicola Roberts album OBVIOUSLY), and today it looks like we're one step closer to hearing what she has up her skinny sleeves.

Today Cher revealed that she was to hold open auditions for dancers to appear in the music video for her first single, details for which haven't been announced yet. After going through the X Factor experience herself, the singer will now be sitting on a panel to decide which dancers have enough "swagger" to be in her music video.

Presumably inspired by the spirit of The X Factor, applicants need not have any dance experience just a passion for dance. Cher also says that it's imp---

No dance experience necessary???

Yeah, so, erm. I have to...


*grabs coat, heads for auditions*

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

It was my birthday on Saturday, so thank you very much for giving me all of those lovely birthday messages. Basically, I've been a bit apprehensive to post another blog since my last one proved quite popular with Adam Lambert fans, and actually managed to get me like ten times the amount of readers I normally get just from Adam Lambert fans spreading it amongst themselves. However, my head has since gone down to its normal size and it is time to get back into the swing of blogging. If Adam Lambert is mentioned more frequently than normal you know why. Let's get the ball rolling for another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. It's Britney, bitch. And I'm sticking my oar in where it's not really wanted.


The legend goes that many years ago Britney Spears was preparing to perform alongside Madonna and Christina Aguilera at the VMA awards, when Britney decided to play Madonna a song off her newest album In The Zone. The song was called Me Against The Music, and she wanted to know if Madonna thought she should release it as lead single from the album.

The next time she saw Madonna, she had written a verse for it, and told Britney she wanted to record it as a duet. This was during an unfortunate slump in Madonna's career (she'd just released American Life, you see), but because Britney is not the most articulate of women, she found herself unable to say no to the Queen of Pop, which is apparently how Me Against The Music (feat. Madonna) was born.

On a related note, you know that song by Rihanna where she goes "na na na, come on" and then goes on to discuss how she enjoys being violated in the bedroom and putting spunk on her heat spots as a perfume because she loves the smell of it? I believe it is called S&M. If you are sat there going "I have never heard this song" then you really should have been out on the Newcastle gay scene this Saturday for my birthday because it was on at least twice in every fucking bar we stepped in. By the end of the night I was fearful I'd be speaking the lyrics in my sleep.

Well it seems Britney is taking a leaf out of her mentor's book and has showed up uninvited on someone else's song, in this case a remix of Rihanna's S&M, which has fans of the two stars divided. Some think it's a great remix, others are less than convinced by Britney's contributions. Personally I don't see why two stars with such high profiles couldn't record a completely new song rather than a new version of a song which is slowly disappearing out of the charts. If you would like to hear it for yourself then here it is:



Britney is clearly getting cleverer though, I was very surprised to hear her singing the "S S S & M M M" bit and not spelling it wrong. Good for her. She'll have those kids back in no time at this rate.

The duet was first alluded to on Twitter, earlier this week, when RiRi tweeted this:


Twitter was quickly abuzz, which prompted Britney to post this:


Then Rihanna put this on her Twitter:


And Britney replied with this:


Then Kelly Osbourne said this:


Then Adam Lambert added:


DO YOU STILL LOVE ME, ADAM LAMBERT FANS?? DO YOU?????

2. Things aren't getting any better for Joe McElderry.


Things were rocky from the offset for poor old Joe McElderry, weren't they, so it's difficult to pinpoint exactly where it all started to go wrong. It could have been Olly Murs storming the top 1o while his own second single didn't even make the top 40. It could have been someone "hacking his Twitter" to come out of the closet, only to do it himself a few weeks later. It could have been that Facebook campaign set up to keep his debut single from the Christmas number 1 spot. Personally, I think it all went wrong for him at that party he went to where me and Kate performed Oops!.. I Did It Again in what can only be described as a true karaoke faux pas. He was never the same after witnessing that debacle.

However, it was another low-point for Joe this week as, at an outdoor music festival in the UK, he performed as support act for fellow X Factor alumni Jedward. Just to quickly jog your memory, both these acts were contestants on the same series of The X Factor, Jedward finished in sixth place in the competition while Joe went on to gain the love of the British public and win it. Clearly, though, this was short-lived as he's now the opening act for a pair of twins Simon Cowell once described as "vile creatures". And he'd know.

Bizarrely, the good news keeps on coming for Jedward. As well as sales from their tours and album (don't listen to this bit, Joe), the twins have been busy as the face of Nintendo DS and now cereal Coco Pops, earning them an estimated £3million in the past year. Did anyone think when they were running around the stage performing Rock DJ on the telly that they'd be millionaires in a few years? Here they are with their tops off:


3. Lady GaGa has been hard at work (that makes a change).


It's just six short days until Lady GaGa debuts her new single Judas, which is tipped to be a massive hit, and despite the fact little is known about the song or video GaGa is already in trouble with religious groups who claim the video is blasphemous.

Apparently the video will see GaGa re-telling the story of the Bible in her own way, with various actors taking on roles such as Judas Iscariot, while GaGa herself will be playing Mary Magdalene (rumour has it Dannii Minogue will be making a cameo as the devil, as requested by Kelly Osbourne). However, her decision to premier the track so close to when Catholics are celebrating Holy Week has led some Christian organisations to accuse GaGa of exploiting the church for publicity.

Meanwhile, she revealed that she has designed the artwork for the single herself on Microsoft Word, also using her mobile phone to give it a more textured look. Don't ask how I got it, but this is an exclusive first-look at the Judas artwork, created in Microsoft Word and then photographed on a mobile phone to give it "texture":


Dunno about you, but I think GaGa could do with cleaning her laptop screen.

As if all this business with her new single wasn't exciting enough, Lady GaGa has bagged herself an unlikely fan in the form of country singer Dolly Parton. Having already collaborated in both studio and stage with acts such as Beyoncé, Elton John and Adam Lambert (I MENTIONED HIM AGAIN DO YOU STILL LOVE ME, LAMBERT FANS???????), Dolly was apparently such a fan of the country version of Born This Way that GaGa put online a few weeks ago that she'd be interested in collaborating with her in the future. Can you imagine anything more camp in your entire life? You'd not be able to look directly at them for fear of being blinded by all the sequins.

Laters!
x

Monday, 4 April 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I was thinking, you know, and I went out with Kate last Monday night, and I have just remembered that she had to talk me out of posting a blog from my iPhone entitled "Big Gay Monday: Gin" because I was so in love with the gin I was drinking at the time. It was a thing of beauty. So this particular blog is dedicated to gin-lovers everywhere. Because Kate is no fun. She is a good singer though so while I'm mentioning her have a listen to her on YouTube because she is a talented young woman, and it won't kill you to support unsigned talent, will it?

Back in the day she used to post videos of her singing and there would be a bra hanging over her wardrobe door in the background but upsettingly she's since taken these videos down and created a new YouTube account. How upsetting. I have seen Kate in her bra a frightening number of times, though, so I am desensitised to all of this. So anyway, right, because I am bored here is a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Rihanna opens up to Rolling Stone.


Usually when you hear the words "Rihanna" and "opening up" you just assume she is talking her legs and will head down the usual conversational route of having a good shag. However, in this instance, she was interviewed for the music magazine Rolling Stone. Rihanna is following in the footsteps of stars like Lady GaGa, Britney Spears and John Lennon by appearing on the front of the magazine, which notoriously uses controversial covers which tend to let the reader know exactly what the star is all about. Here's John Lennon being arty:


Here's Kanye West being controversial:


And here's Rihanna with her arse out:


Seriously though, within the magazine Rihanna discussed some pretty sensitive issues. When talking about lifting the restraining order against her ex Chris Brown, she insisted that it absolutely did not mean they would be getting back together, or even that she would ever speak to him again. Instead, she said she simply didn't think it was fair for him to be banned from things like awards ceremonies or performances they would both be attending, and keeping the restraining order would affect his career negatively. Personally, I don't think it's fair to grab someone by their hair and smash their face into a car window, but I suppose some people are more forgiving than others.

Rihanna also discusses acting in the upcoming film Battleship, and reveals that after the Chris Brown incident she had a period of putting up a hard front, determined not to let anyone see her cry, which is reflected in some of the songs she wrote for her Rated R album.

Needless to say, she also talks extensively about being shagged.

2. Nicki Minaj is bossed up.


I'm not sure I've mentioned this before but I proper love Nicki Minaj. I think she is so fresh and beautiful and talented. I'll tell you what, though. Lil Kim doesn't like her at all. In fact, it's safe to say that Lil Kim actually thinks Nicki Minaj is a massive twat, though many of you reading this would say the same thing. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY.

So basically, Lil Kim is not shy about sharing her opinions about Nicki Minaj with everyone, first she posted that rather distasteful album cover which featured a decapitated Nicki Minaj, then she released this (ridiculous) "diss" song from the imaginatively named album Black Friday:



So it seems that Lil Kim has made a name for herself simply riding on the coat-tails of Nicki Minaj's success, slagging her off at every available opportunity in a vain attempt at hanging on to her time in the spotlight while actually just coming across to most people as a jealous bitch. Meanwhile Nicki, not wanting to seem ungrateful for Lil Kim's contributions to the world of female rapping, has kept a dignified silence about the whole thing, and never explicitly retaliating to Lil Kim's "hating".

It seems Lil Kim has pushed Nicki's buttons for the last time, though, as a clip from the song Tragedy premiered online earlier today (unfortunately it is not a cover of the classic Steps number, which I would have much preferred). Believed to be a guest verse from Lil Wayne's upcoming album, the song makes fun of someone who has to resort to selling their album on PayPal, saying "you used to be magic... now you're just tragic":



RAAAAGGEDYYY...amazing.

I must confess to you all that Lady Marmalade did come on when me and Catherine were in The Bank Bar on Saturday night and I did think I was pure mint during the "we drink wine with diamonds in the glass by the case, that's the meaning of expensive taste" bit. Please, if ever you meet Nicki Minaj, don't tell her this.

Meanwhile after being left high and dry by Enrique Iglesias five minutes after she announced they were going on tour together, Britney Spears is rumoured to be lining up Nicki Minaj as a replacement for him. CAN YOU LITERALLY IMAGINE THAT? My. Actual. God.

3. And now for my favourite celebrity story of 2011 so far.


You're going to like this one if you haven't already heard the story. It was Lady GaGa's birthday the other day, and while I wouldn't wish her any ill on her big day, I couldn't help but think to myself that Lady GaGa's birthday party would be one of the most tedious engagements I could ever envisage. A load of pretentious art types thinking they're far more interesting than they are, sipping whisky and discussing how avant-garde they are. ERGH. Makes my skin crawl. Thankfully I wasn't the only one who thought so:


This set mine and Abi's imaginations going:


Now before this Twitter conversation, I have never been a believer in cosmic ordering, but something in the universe changed and our tweets came to life! Admittedly, Ke$ha herself was unfortunately busy on that fateful night, but thankfully Adam Lambert was at hand to stand in for her.

The story goes that Adam wasn't actually invited to GaGa's party, he was simply there as a guest of Jake Shears, who is supporting Lady GaGa on her never-ending Monster Ball tour. When Adam arrived at the party he was already mortal drunk, and things just got worse as the party ensued. According to witnesses Adam accidentally punched a hole in the low-ceiling of the La Cita restaurant where the party took place.

As the party went on he apparently became LOUDER and MORE ROWDY, which culminated in Adam drunkenly SINGING to Lady GaGa. I've heard it all now-- SINGING at a party, he might as well have just started shooting heroin there and then. Unsurprisingly, Lady GaGa eventually had Adam thrown out of the party for his nuisance behaviour (singing at a party, indeed, I just can't get over it!), because having fun at Lady GaGa's birthday is simply not allowed. Now SIT DOWN, DRINK YOUR WHISKY and TALK ABOUT WHAT A PROFOUND INFLUENCE ANDY WARHOL HAS HAD ON YOUR WORK.

Just so you all know, speaking of celebrations, it is my birthday on Saturday. I am turning 20. I hope to fucking God that no one shows up and starts SINGING. Can you imagine it WHAT HAVE YOU STARTED, ADAM???


Take a bow, Adam Lambert, you fucking legend.

That's it.
Laters!