Friday, 28 January 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Right before I start this next blog I'm going to do another bit of self-promotion. First off, do check out Spark Sunderland, because my most recent Celebrity Roundup for them will be going online shortly. For the first time since I started writing for Spark I am actually happy with the article, so do give it a read because it is "quite good". You could even give it a comment and make me look really good. My dear friend Emma told me that me not swearing in my writing "is just weird" which makes me feel like I need to, in the words of Nicki Minaj, "wash [my] mouth out with soap, boys", so if you're after my foul mouthed rants then keep it hear with the blog.

ALSO just a little reminder that me and Carla are back on Pride Radio every Sunday afternoon 2pm-4pm, where we chat about shite, insult each other and play good music, and we've been getting really good feedback from it so far. It's basically an online version of both of our blogs, so if you're a fan of either of us then make sure you're listening online every Sunday afternoon at (to be honest, all the other presenters are fantastic as well so even if we're not on I still recommend giving it a listen).

So anyway, back here at the blog I'm happy to inform you that famous people are continuing to live their lives, which is good for me because it means I can try my hardest to make you laugh at their expense in what has come to be known as the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Lady GaGa has an interesting perfume idea.

With all the fuss that surrounds her, it can be easy to forget that at the root of all Lady GaGa is a celebrity with an agenda and a brand to sell (unless, of course, you're watching the product placement in the Telephone video, which acts as a not-too-subtle reminder that money changes hands more than we realise within the music industry).

So anyway, following in the footsteps of such stars as Rihanna, Katy Perry and, err, Josie Gibson, it seems that the pop princess has decided to bring out her own perfume, allowing her beloved "little monsters" to finally smell like their idol. Not like GaGa to follow the crowd like that, is it?

And, of course, it's not. And she isn't. Because while the previously mentioned stars have fragrances boasting "fruity" and "girlie" scents, GaGa has chosen to do things a little differently. Inspired by fashion designer Rad Hourani (I've never heard of him, but perhaps some of you fashion folks have), GaGa has insisted that her future fragrance give off the aroma of "blood and semen".

Now I'm no expert, having not had sex in about a hundred years, but surely when the scent of semen is in the air, that's when it's time to leap in the shower. Why anyone would want to create the scent artificially, particularly mixed with blood, is beyond me. Unless it's not artificial, and GaGa is going to have someone spunk up in each bottle. I say someone, but I of course don't mean she herself because LADY GAGA DOES NOT HAVE A PENIS, YOU KNOW?? NO SHE DOES NOT, RIGHT?? ARE WE CLEAR???

Just wait till Cheryl Cole hears there's bottles of spunk going on the market, as well, given how desperate to have a baby reports are saying she is...

2. Jedward are ready for Eurovision.

My beautiful Jedward boys are not willing to fade into obscurity just yet. Unfortunately, since their X Factor journey ended, it seems I have fallen deeper and deeper in love with them, and so I'm delighted to report that they have admitted they are trying out for the 2011 Eurovision Song Contest.

After it was rumoured for some time, the boys have finally confirmed that they are one of five acts who will try and represent Ireland in the annual competition. The boys will be releasing their song Lipstick as a single, as well as performing it on Irish TV as they try and represent their home country.

The boys are current favourites to win the public vote, unlike during their time on The X Factor where each week the public prayed they would not be voted through to the next round, and I still really fancy them. Like, I proper, proper fancy them. The above image is the publicity shot for the single, and if I find the bitch who kissed them on their cheek leaving that lipstick print there in the first place I will kill the bitch.

I'm actually genuinely excited to hear the song, because it will be the first Jedward single that isn't a cover and I'm interested in what they come up with. However, if it turns out that Lipstickis a song about kissing girls, then I'm afraid I will kill myself.

3. Kelly Osbourne has been given an actual job.

A few days ago I told you about Christopher Ciccone, and how as a talentless sibling of a cultural icon, he will do anything to tarnish the reputation of his famous sister Madonna, who no longer speaks to him after the publication of his tell-all book Life With My Sister Madonna.

However, Madonna has showed this week that she doesn't hate all famous-for-no-reason celebuspawn as she's just unveiled Kelly Osbourne as the new face of her Material Girl fashion label.

That's right, Kelly can kiss queuing in the Job Centre goodbye (for now), as it seems that for the first time in her 26 years on God's green Earth, someone has finally found a purpose for this otherwise utterly pointless human being, as she'll be taking over from Taylor Momsen as the face of the fashion line designed by Madonna and her daughter Lourdes Ciccone.

Let's not forget, though, this is not the first time that Madonna and Kelly have crossed paths:

And if you think that's offensive, wait till you hear a track from her oft-forgotten second album. Don't Touch Me While I'm Sleeping tells the unfortunate story of a victim of date-rape in the most awkwardly unpoetic way possible:


And that's it for another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.
Enjoy your life, because one day we will die.

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Fittie Of The Week: Tom Daley.

I'm waiting for Kate to come and pick me up for her gig. I'm very excited. I'm hoping there will be at least one other homosexual there with whom I can have awkward extended eye contact with as I sit drinking a white wine on my own. And by white wine I, of course, mean white wine and lemonade. I have just made Kate this cracking CD for the car journey.

Olympic diver Tom Daley was presenting at the British Comedy Awards this week and, considering he is only 16, he was looking fiiiiiiiine, so I think it is only right that he be this week's Fittie Of The Week (first of 2011, you know!):

Smart. I wouldn't mind seeing him with a bit less clothing on, though:

Oh my goodness.

That second picture is from a shoot with The Guardian, although it might have been better in The Daley Mail WOAH HO HO HO (because his surname is Daley, not because he is massively racist or homophobic).

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I had an exam this morning. Reporting Central Government. Reading this blog, you may be able to pick up on the fact that I am not very immersed in political goings-on, which is not something I'm proud of. I do genuinely try and take an interest in politics but if truth be told I just find it all a bit hard to pay attention to and take in. Which is unfortunate, seeing as how I've just had an exam in it. Ouch. So anyway, I've got an hour to kill before my next seminar, so I'm going to sit right here in Murray Library, listen to Pink Friday and tell you what's going on chez les célébrités dans un autre Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Christopher Ciccone thinks Madonna is "creepy".

You may not have heard of Christopher Ciccone, and if you have then chances are you know him quite simply as the brother of Madonna. He is one of those celebrity hangers-on who played the smallest role in her success and therefore believes he should be famous as well. So he acts like a celebrity, even though in fact he's nothing but a massive, massive douche-bag.

Despite claiming that he wants to be successful in his own right, it seems that Christopher can't keep his poisonous mouth shut when it comes to his goddess sister, even going as far to write a tell-all book Life With My Sister Madonna, a poorly-written guide to Madonna's rise to the top which also channels an almighty falling-out between the two of them. Here is what the book tells us about why they no longer speak:

1. Madonna grew concerned with the amount of cocaine Christopher seemed to be taking at celebrity parties, and told him she would not be able to keep him in her life unless he sought help. Christopher took this as an attempt to control him and rebelled by taking double as much.
2. Christopher decorated Madonna's house and she didn't like it, so he sent her an email calling her a venomous bitch.
3. Christopher's obsession with Madonna has ruined every relationship he's ever had.
4. Christopher Ciccone is a bitter, nasty little man who can't accept the fact that the reason his sister is successful and he is not is because she worked hard and compromised to get where she is, whereas he relied solely on support from his famous sister.

Anyway, Christopher was in the news yesterday after describing his sister's two recent relationships with men much younger than herself as "creepy". He also went on to lament that Madonna refuses to let him see her children, which I think is fair enough as he'd probably try and turn them against their mother, ply Lourdes with cocaine the second she turned 16 and then stick to her like glue while she had her 15 minutes in the spotlight.

You know what I think's creepy, Chris? People who live entirely through their famous relatives. Get a life you loser.

2. No surprises here, folks- Nicki Minaj has not even met Cheryl Cole.

How the fuck does anyone write a blog on Windows? As soon as you upload a picture it puts an extra line in between your paragraphs, and you can't move the pictures down from the top of the page to where you want them without fannying about, copy and pasting it in the HTML which I don't understand because computer langauge and that is proper lost on me and gives me a headache. How frustrating!!

So anyway, right, Nicki Minaj's grand tour of London has come to and end, but she was given an extra day to tour the capital, telling her French fans that she wasn't going to Paris yet and it was "a long story". Probably some cockup wtih Easyjet I would imagine. It did mean she got to see all the sights London has to offer and frollick around the city like something out of Mary Poppins, led by the unlikely tourguide of Tim Westwood...

While in London, Nicki gave an interview where she revealed that, despite appearing in the video for her single Check It Out with, she hasn't actually met Cheryl Cole. No surprises there, Cheryl's backing vocals on the song weren't so much "phoned in" as "scrawled on a post-it on a cigarette break in the adverts of The X Factor". Nicki went on to say that Cheryl seemed like she would love to meet Cheryl in the future as she seems like an endearing and "bubbly" character.

In case you were wondering, I still love Nicki Minaj, and performed several of her raps from Check It Out and Roman's Revenge while waiting to get into my exam earlier today. So there you go.

3. There are some new videos coming out and they look quite good.

The Britney Spears comeback is officially in full-swing, as people are starting to really sink their teeth into her 7/10 new single Hold It Against Me, which is sitting comfortable at number 6 in the UK charts, which isn't bad considering it's had no promotion and so far no music video.

Having said that, as we speak Britney is recording the video with Jonas Akerlund, famous for Lady GaGa's Telephone video, as well as collaborations with Madonna and Christina Aguilera. She's also working with X Factor choreographer and massive homosexual Brian Friedman who claims that Britney "freaked out" the first time he showed her the dance routine, but then that lass is so mental she'd have a "freakout" about anything, wouldn't she?

As is the norm with celebrities these days, Britney gave fans an exclusive look at the video following her first day of shooting by posting this video still on her Twitter page:

I'm excited to see that, for the first time in a while, her manky weave isn't a complete distraction. And doesn't that ring of microphones look exciting? Saying that, mind you, the first time I saw stills from the 3 video I thought that was going to be immense and look at what a hot mess that turned out to be.

Speaking of pop princesses with upcoming videos, my favourite living human Rihanna has a new song coming out soon called S&M. I played it on the Pride show on Sunday and nearly gave poor Tony a heart attack as I said "I LOVE THIS SONG IT IS SO RUDE". Thankfully, it is not so rude that it cannot be broadcast in the middle of the day, which is a relief as it means I have not yet been sacked from Pride. So anyway, some photos from that video have also been making the rounds and they are pretty spectacular:

FUCKING HELL. She is perfection. And look, they're real articles and quotes floating around her. AND ONE OF THEM IS ABOUT THE ILLUMINATI RUMOURS. She's finally addressing them! Or at the very least, acknowledging them.

Two videos from two of my favourite popstars I absolutely can not wait for.

And that's it for another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.
Thank fuck for that this computer is driving me wild. I have forgotten how Windows works and am ready to hit someone, the stress of it all.

Sunday, 23 January 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

OK so I've been naughty and haven't written a blog in about a hundred years. I am actually quite busy at the minute though, and it's with stuff that you yourself can actually get behind. I've started writing my weekly thing for Spark Magazine which goes online every Friday, which is nice because a lot of my mates are also a part of it and I'm under the impression people actually read it. So far I've contributed two different celebrity roundups which you can read here and here, although they are now somewhat out-of-date, but you can still give them a read if you like. You might as well, the editor told me he thought they were "hilarious" (but then again he is my mate, and knows fine well that I am a massive crazy bitch and that criticising me in any way could potentially be fatal for him).

Also, just a reminder that every Sunday myself and Carla have our own slot on local gay station Pride Radio, where we discuss the goings on in the celebrity world as well as playing some stonking good music. We're on every Sunday afternoon from 2pm-4pm, which is perfect time for people who are either trying to procrastinate from doing revision or other such work, or are trying to nurse their hangovers. I'm hearing good things about it all, but once again this is mostly from friends who are too afraid of my craziness to tell me otherwise.

Now that I have made myself seem like things are busier than they are, let's get on with this blog I'm doing now, shall we? I'm actually trying to distract myself from my own revision at the moment, as I have an exam on Tuesday morning on Central Government. I have an awful feeling this exam is at 9am, which means I'm going to have to literally leave the house at 8am. Unless I have slept with you - which is, unfortunately, a disappointingly small proportion of the population - you have probably not seen me at 8am, but I can assure you it's not something anyone really wants to see. So, to keep my mind from wandering over to thoughts of failure, I am going to write a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup because it's been far too long, hasn't it..?

1. Nicki Minaj basically owns the UK.

Despite constantly adopting a mock British accent in her raps, Nicki Minaj (otherwise known as one of the greatest living humans) had never been to the UK before this week.

This all changed over the weekend, however, as Nicki made her London debut and caused a right old stir in the process, heading out all over the capital in a shocking pink wig which makes me crave candy-floss.

They say that since the rise of the Internet the world has got a lot smaller, and that it's no longer a big deal when celebrities hop from country-to-country in a matter of days. However, there was something rather old school about Nicki's trip to London, reminiscent of when a certain Lady GaGa first graced our shores with her tea-cup and her cute little bob for the filming of her notorious Paparazzi video. And if you thought Lady GaGa's little monsters were hardcore, Nicki's Barbz (for that is what she calls her fans, readers) might well have topped them.

In fact, British fans of Nicki Minaj were so hysterical that their idol had graced our shores, that they camped outside of her hotel in their hoards, much to the delight of their idol:

Slowly, though, the excitement of Nicki's "Barbz" was causing a bit of a problem for the other patrons of the hotel:

And, eventually, it all got too much:

At the end of 2010 I was afraid that the Nicki Minaj train was going to be de-railed by the end of 2011, but I am relieved to see this is certainly not the case. BITCH. IS. FIERRRRRCE.

2. Series 4, Episode 26: "Artificial Insemination".

You'd think that following her very public divorce, Cheryl Cole would be ready to leave domestic life in the past and, basically, be a big slag for a while. I hoped she would be out with Sarah Harding every night, getting absolutely sloshed and maybe smacking another toilet attendant about.

Unfortunately, if Sunday newspapers are to be believed (which, truthfully, they probably shouldn't be) Cheryl has decided that 2011 is the year she's going to have a baby. That's right, she's reportedly told so-called Derek Hough that she wants to have a baby- and that she is the man she wants to father her child.

I've seen this one. Will and Grace realise they want to have a baby together, but a series of mishaps mean that the fertility treatments are delayed, which gives Grace time to contemplate whether or not this is what she really wants. On her way to the fertility clinic she accidentally runs into Leo's horse, which is where they first meet. Encountering such a handsome and successful man makes Grace question whether or not she's been to quick to throw away her chances of happiness with a man who isn't Will. When Will finds out Grace has changed her mind they have a huge fight and stop speaking to each other (if I remember correctly, Karen and Jack trap them in a bouncy castle and they resolve their differences in there).

Apparently Derek's mormon upbringing mean that his family would have strong views if he were to father a child out of wedlock, which has made Derek apprehensive about Cheryl's longing for a child. That and the fact that he's the world's most flamboyant, and sexually ambiguous, man.

3. Them One Direction lads have made a right cock-up.

Can you imagine having sex with the lads from One Direction? Literally I can't think of a better way to spend an evening. Would you like to hear the order I'd have sex with them in? Alright then. I'd start with Harry, then I would have Niall. I fancy Harry more than Niall, but I think it'd be better to start on a high, as having sex with the one I fancied the least before anyone else would put me in a bad mood. Then I'd have Liam. Then Zayn. And finally I would have sex with Louis, who is the one I fancy the most but at the same time there is always the worry that after Liam and Zayn I would have no stamina left, so perhaps I will re-think that. I wouldn't have to worry about Harry and Niall as I imagine they are shit in bed, if I'm being honest.

So anyway, Louis and Harry had a bit of a TwitCam session earlier. I didn't see it myself because I knew that as soon as I started watching I would only end up tweeting obscenities at them and eventually being sent a cease and desist letter. Anyway, as part of the tomfoolery BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT LOUIS AND HARRY ARE LIKE THEY ARE THE LOOSE CANNON JOKERS OF ONE DIRECTION MY GOODNESS CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT YOUR MUM WOULD SAY IF YOU BROUGHT THEM HOME (personally my mam would shit her pants she fancies Harry that much), they decided to give Matt Cardle a ring.

This was the point a hiccup in the proceedings emerged, as Matt wasn't answering his phone. So, in the style of Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand, they boys decided to put Matt on speakerphone and leave a hilarious message on his voicemail. This was where they turned from Jackass-style pranksters into very naughty boys (and I don't even mean that in a sexual context) as they ended up broadcasting Matt's number out to a hoard of young girls (and journalists) watching them on camera.

The story doesn't end there, though, folks:

And so now it would appear that some poor woman is being bombarded with phone calls, due to an error made by some pricks who came third on The X Factor. Good job, bell ends. However, if any of you would like to have sex with me I am more than up for it. Preferably not Niall.

That's it for another roundup!

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I'm right behind with my celebrity gossip so there is going to be more shit than usual today, because there is quite a lot going on in the world of celebrity. Also it may interest you to hear that I've just written my very first Celebrity Roundup for Sunderland Uni's Spark Magazine, which is run by my good mate Nic who is lovely. He is so lovely that I nicked his hairstyle off him and then ended up being mates with him. THERE IT IS; A CONFESSION. He is not as much of a big homo as me but he is getting there (nar man).

So anyway, yeah, there's gonna be stuff over there in the near future that will be worth checking out. Only sticky wicket is that I am not allowed to swear over there, which I found very difficult. I tried explaining this to my mam who gave me a horrified look and said: "You don't swear on your blog do you?? WHAT KIND OF WORDS DO YOU SAY??" To illustrate my point, here are some of the expressions used in my last blog that will not be appearing on the Spark site:

1. "He was practically shouting from the rooftops that he wanted to rest his pubeless ballsack upon her beautiful Geordie chin"
2. "Then he made a right dick of himself"
3. "She happened to mention that she hadn't had any dick in absolutely ages"
4. "Looking for anything he can push his tiny erection into".

Can I just stress that this is all in one story about Justin Bieber? So basically I have had to tone it down for what is essentially a website aimed at teenagers and young people. So if you flick between the two it will basically be like watching Family Guy on Fox and watching it on Adult Swim, when suddenly they all start saying the f word and talking about shagging.

Some of it might be similar and some of it might be different. Basically I have only written one thing so let's not get too ahead of ourselves, shall we not? The moral of the story is, celebrities are continuing to do things and now I am going to talk about some of these things in what I like to call the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Victoria Beckham is going to push another human out of her vagina.

My favourite couple in the whole wide world (apart from Carole and Taff, obviously) are going to have another baby. It's been revealed by a representative for Victoria Beckham that she is pregnant with her fourth child, and no information has been given apart from that. Literally, we don't even know for sure that the father is David Beckham or not. I was talking about this with my friend Katie on the phone last night, could you imagine if it turned out Victoria had been shagging Ashley Cole all along? Literally, can you imagine? Presumably she hasn't though so let's not go starting any rumours.

People reckon that Victoria and David are hoping that fourth time around they'll finally get the daughter they've always wanted, but personally I can see a downside to it all. It might start out lovely; putting her in little dresses, sticking a bow to her bald head and parading her around to make all your barren friends jealous- but what about as she gets older? By the time this baby is 15, Victoria will be in her mid-40s and will have a slender and beautiful teenager to contend with on the red carpet. UNLESS AS HER TEENAGE REBELLION, THE BECKHAM DAUGHTER GETS REALLY FAT AND ENDS UP LIKE CHAZ BONO. Imagine, literally imagine.

I tell you what though, I don't fancy being around Victoria later in the pregnancy when the hormones kick in, she'll be even more of a crazy bitch than normal. And as for when she starts having strange cravings for...solid foods. Strange times.

2. It's not looking good for Joe McElderry.

2010 wasn't quite the year Joe McElderry might have hoped for, particularly as his X Factor alumni like Olly Murs, Lucie Jones and Jedward seem to be going from strength to strength. His first single did alright, reaching number 4 in the charts, but it was accompanied by a terrible dance routine. I was doing the Ambitions routine at Powerhouse on Halloween and accidentally punched Sophie. So sorry about that mate. But you had it coming.

Poor sales of followup single Somebody Wake Me Up, which failed to make the Top 40 (charting at a fairly shit 68), Simon Cowell has decided not to release any more singles from his debut album. As if that wasn't enough of a kick in the nuts, his contract with Cowell's record label ran out in December and it's looking increasingly like it's not going to be renewed, which would mean Joe being dropped from the label just over a year after winning his series of The X Factor in 2009.

The question is, what can Joe do to remind us he exists...?

I mean really, what is it practically every other guy from his series has done to get attention from the public...?

I just can't think, can you...?


3. Nicki Minaj is up for a Lady GaGa collaboration.

It is lazy journalism to simply compare everyone under the sun to Lady GaGa, but in the case of Nicki Minaj it is somewhat inevitable. They are both women in their mid-20s from New York, at the top of their respective games and known for their flamboyant style and support for the gay community.

In an interview for E! Online, the idea of a possible collaboration with GaGa was thrown into the conversation, and Nicki said: "I'd definitely be open to it", describing the reigning Queen of the charts as "badass". To be honest, it's only a matter of time before it happens, after all Lady GaGa is probably the only human being in the world who hasn't yet collaborated with Nicki at some point or another.

Meanwhile, Nicki is making an appearance on the front of this month's V magazine in a photoshoot which she dedicates to her "gays and fashionistas". Lovely:


4. Cheeky cheeky.

Right, so it seems that one of The Cheeky Girls has been arrested for shoplifting earlier in the week. Before you go getting any dramatic Winona Ryder-style images of glamour and crime in your mind, let me tell you that this particular incident took place at Sainsburys, rather than a bustling NY department store.

Basically, Gabriela (not sure which one she is in the picture, but she was the one who was engaged to that MP) was detained by police after trying to steal what was believed to be around £40 worth of foodstuffs from the supermarket chain.

The girls' mother, in a shock twist, has claimed that the reason her daughter was shoplifting was as research for an upcoming gangster film the twins are said to be a part of. I don't watch a lot of gangster films, I'll admit, but I don't think many of them have plots that revolve around stealing cauliflowers and tins of baked beans, do you?

Mind you, whatever her motive, surely we should be encouraging the 4-stone Cheeky Girls to get food any way they can, even if it does involve theft? I'll tell you what, when trying to find a photo of The Cheeky Girls I stumbled upon this rather distressing image...

...which first outraged me, but later just made me angry that Jedward don't do photo shoots like this. Give them time, eh?

*head explodes at thought*

5. She's back, bitch.

Basically, Britney Spears has a new song called Hold It Against Me. It premiered on Monday and it is better than I could have ever have imagined. True, it is not as good as Womanizer but it is still really very good. It has a mental dubstep breakdown (not as mental, of course, as Britney's own breakdown, but still pretty mental) and Britney sings the word "hazy", pronouncing it "high zigh". Amazing.

If you'd like to listen to it, then here it is Thing is, I can't help but feel it would be a lot better if it started with the immortal line "it's Britney, bitch". So I took it upon myself to amend the song. Does this count as a remix, I wonder? Can I officially call this Hold It Against Me (Silly Old Daniel Remix)?:

Yeah. So basically, I think this enhances the song by approximately 100000%. I may go through Britney's entire back catalogue adding "it's Britney, bitch" to the beginning. In fact, why stop at Britney? Every song ever. Imagine how much more seriously the other countries would take us if the National anthem began with "it's Britney, bitch". JUST IMAGINE IT.

Right I think that's more than enough
Sorry I've gone on a bit but this is my blog and I'll do what I damn well please, alright???
Roundup over.

Sunday, 9 January 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

It's Sunday, folks! And you know what that means? It's the Sabbath. I hope you've all had your daily bread (which, actually, you get weekly and therefore the Lord's Prayer should be re-written to "give us this day our weekly bread", but that doesn't really make sense). Because it is Sunday you can also click here to listen to Pride Radio, where Carla and myself are back presenting our first show of 2011. We're also counting down our Top 10 Hot Messes so expect some of this and some of this, and of course there's bound to be lots of bitchiness and banter. We're on 2pm-4pm so, if you're not doing anything, why not give us a listen, eh?

Before all that, though, I'm going to let you know some things about some celebrities because I absolutely adore celebrity news and, more importantly, you love it when I slag it off. Why else would you be here, eh? NO REASON AT ALL, THAT'S WHY. So sit back, take a deep breath and get ready for yet another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Actually Cheryl I've decided I don't want to fuck you after all, because you are an old woman. (Digital Spy)

You might remember for months preceding his appearance on 2010's X Factor, Justin Bieber was running around telling absolutely anyone who would listen that he wanted to stick it to Cheryl Cole. He was practically shouting from the rooftops that he wanted to rest his pubeless ballsack upon her beautiful Geordie chin. Then he made a right dick of himself when, live ON THE TELEVISION, he made a phone with his hand and said "call me" to Cheryl, as viewers all over the country projectile vommed all over the place. (Cher Lloyd, of course, was just happy to have an excuse to be sick.)

Then Cheryl appeared on Alan Carr's chat show a few weeks ago and, apart from proving that she is a bit of a bore, happened to mention that she hadn't had any dick in absolutely ages. I feel her pain. Except actually I don't because she could have any man she wants, whereas a guy I was dancing with at Eazy Street on Friday night for Kate's birthday (where Kate and I finally consummated our love with the world's most awkward kiss) broke away from me mid-dance to "try it on with that guy over there". Nice.

So anyway, Alan Carr went on to suggest to Cheryl that, if she was looking for someone to fill the void (or, indeed, fill her fanny) she need look no further than The Biebs himself, but Cheryl seemed less than impressed saying she might be interested "if she were 16".

It seems that this public rejection has set El Biebero in a right foul mood, and when asked about taking Cheryl out recently in an interview with Heat magazine, he said: "That would be illegal 'cos she's, like, too old". So basically, The Biebs is trying to make it out like 28-year-old Cheryl is a relentless cougar and he is little more than a defenceless cherub, rather than a hormone-crazed teenager out for anything he can push his tiny erection into.

2. 2011 is going to be good if you like Nicki Minaj. (Twitter)

With photos from her future music video with Drake surfacing online recently, it looks like Nicki Minaj is back filming another big-name collaboration, this time with Princess RiRi herself, Rihanna.

The pair's duet Fly appears on Nicki's debut album Pink Friday (which is 90% amazing and 10% questionable) and it is quite good. It is not so good you'll shit your pants when you hear it, but it also isn't so bad that you'll want to kill your firstborn. It's comfortably in the middle, leaning towards good.

It also has quite good lyrics in the rap cos she goes: "I am not a girl who can ever be defined" and I just think "yes" when I hear that line.


It's a photo from the set of the Fly video! It looks like Nicki Minaj is finally going to get herself a hit here in the UK when this one comes out, which is more than she deserves as she is an absolute star.

Rihanna, meanwhile, clearly cannot spell as she posted this Tweet, joking about rumours that she and Minaj had plans to move in together:

Rihanna has a point, Nicki's enormous breasts must be difficult to resist. Here's what she replied:


Literally--- amazing. Rihanna is clearly hilarious. Then Kelly Osbourne said this:


3. The country has decided to give Peter Andre an award. (Digital Spy)

For fucks sake. The people of Great Britain voted for David Cameron to be Prime Minister, then for Matt Cardle to win The X Factor and now this...Peter Andre has been voted the hardest worker in the music industry.

Apparently the way he's managed to juggle his public divorce with having a family and a career shows that Perfect Pete is the model hard worker. Fucking hell, he releases one mediocre single from each of the unlistenable albums he puts out and then does fuck all. Lady GaGa spent the entire of 2010 on the never-ending Monster Ball Tour, which has a stop in basically every country ever. It will probably be the first gig to travel to Neptune, such is the power of the Monster Ball. Not just that, she also chucked out two hour-long music videos and performed at award ceremonies here there and everywhere, each time outdoing herself in what she wore, culminating in a dress made entirely of meat that got the entire world talking.


Fucks sake.

Right I'm done
Don't forget to listen online: Pride Radio 2pm-4pm every Sunday!

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Hi everyone, hope 2011 is treating you nicely. So far I have spent 50% of my year having nights out, which sounds very exciting but we are literally at the end of the fourth day of the year. Shame, really. The first night out came with those crazy cats from Pride Radio (including Carla who I co-host with on Sunday afternoons, literally check us out we are quite funny) where I drank too much vodka and made a fool of myself by crawling along the floor to Madonna's Like A Virgin (inspired by this performance for any bystanders wondering what the fuck I was doing) and telling a guy I once went home with that I "hated him". Ouch. I did win a game of Wii Darts against local drag queen Ophelia Balls, so it was a night for small victories (as well as large embarrassments).

Last night was a much more sober affair (for me, at least, but I can not vouch for my naughty friends), but no less fun. Plus I wasn't sick on my stairs last night, which was an improvement. Digital did play Like A Virgin, but this time I managed to resist crawling along the floor (just as well, the amount of glass on Digital's floor, not to mention the unfriendly patrons who wouldn't think twice about trampling me to death).

It's not just about me, though (although, realistically, in my head it is) as celebrities have been doing all kinds of shite since new year. Would you like to hear about some of that shite? What's that? You would? Well, you're in luck. Let's get cracking with 2011's very first Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Nadine Coyle is horny (not really). (Twitter)

It might seem like she's happy with her fiancé Jason Bell, but Nadine Coyle perhaps let slip a little more than she meant to on her Twitter earlier this evening.

Answering comments and questions put to her by fans on the social networking site (she's got nothing better to do I suppose, not like she could be using this time TO PLAN A GIRLS ALOUD RE-UNION OR ANYTHING) she came across someone who told her he was her biggest crush growing up to which she kinkily replied:

"Are you all grown up now?" What a tease, eh? Who knew Nadine Coyle was actually a closet cougar? Using Twitter to round up her prey-- she's even worse than that naughty Jason Manford...

2. Victoria Beckham has royally dropped a bollock (or, in this case, a tit). (Mirror)

Do you remember years and years and years ago when Victoria Beckham's tits suddenly got really big and everyone went "my Christ you've really obviously had a boob job" and she was like "eeeeh no I haven't" even though her breasts were now absolutely gargantuan, despite the fact she clearly didn't weigh half as much as one of her own mammoth mammaries? For the heterosexual men and lesbians amongst you (I know you're out there and, while I don't agree with you, I thank you for keeping the human race alive and keeping Alanis Morissette in a record deal respectively) let's re-visit this beautiful time:

Bloody hell you could have your eye out on one of them things! Right, so Victoria vehemently denied having had a boob job, even though her titties were practically circus-freak levels of enormous by this stage in the game. And call me naive but I believed her. I thought "good for her responding to the rumours by saying she didn't have fake tits. I like you Victoria Beckham, and I believe you are being honest".

Thing is, though, she recently did an interview with British Vogue and it's come to light this week that she made the throwaway comment: "No torpedo bazookas, either [presumably she is referring to her breasts and not weapons of massive destruction at this point]. Gone."

But then that awful thing happened where she realised she'd said too much, and even though it was too much and her naughty little secret was out, she smoothed over it and made no further comment about her magical exploding boobies. It was too late, of course. The damage was done. And now her secret is out.

Thing is, I suddenly feel like a proper idiot. If it turns out she was lying about that, what else are celebrities lying about? Britney Spears has always denied having a boob job-- could it be she's had one too? What about David Beckham, could it be he actually cheated on Victoria after all? I'll tell you one thing, though, folks. This doesn't stop being amazing at any point:

Of course, the biggest "Solo Spice Girl Hot Mess" has to go to Ride It by Geri Haliwell:

Literally amazing.

3. Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift have split up. (Daily Mail)

That's it, really. They were shagging for a short while and now they've split up. She'll probably get a song out of it (does anything rhyme with Jake Gyllenhaal? Dylan's ball, perhaps?), and he'll probably never mention it again.

To tell you the truth I don't really care, but it's a trending topic on Twitter and when the news broke Perez Hilton wrote something along the lines of "OMG HAVE YOU HEARD THE AMAZING EARTH-CRUSHING NEWS I'VE JUST POSTED ON MY BLOG????", so presumably Taylor Swift splitting up with the man I was obsessed with at the age of 15 (the age where Taylor Swift herself says if somebody tells you they love you you're going to believe them) is a big story. And obviously these days I'm only covering the big stories.

Ignoring, obviously, the first one on this page which was completely fabricated by me.

That's your lot.

Saturday, 1 January 2011

2010: A Reflection

<-- start of 2010

end of 2010 --->

Happy New Year everyone! It's happened, we have arrived at the first day of 2011. And it wouldn't be the start of the year if we didn't look back at the previous year and try and decipher where it all went wrong so we could try and put things right in the months that lie ahead (only to inevitable end up cocking it up worse than ever). You might remember that in my first ever blog here at Silly Old Daniel Says... (that's right, that's the proper name of the blog-- don't worry I didn't realise either) I sat down and made some New Year's Resolutions. Before I reveal what I'm planning for 2011, let's see how well I did with my resolutions for 2010, shall we...?

1. Stop randomly writing about celebrities.
Right, well. Not off to a good start. However, I'm not classifying it as a failure because, really, I don't write randomly about celebrities anymore I have a whole section devoted to them in the form of the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup, and realistically that is the only reason anyone reads this blog in the first place, right?

2. Pass my driving test.
There is no spin I can put on this, I just simply have not passed my driving test.

3. Stop being horrible to the customers at work.
I can safely say that I am now quite nice to the customers at work. The unfortunate thing is that most of them are such terrible fuckwits that I can't help but scowl at them a little bit. But I'm never horrible unjustifiably.

4. Stop shouting randomly at my parents.
Yeah we're alright now.

5. Stop moaning about University.
I think I made this resolution in the vain hope I would stop hating University. Well, I didn't. I fucking hate it, and if anything this year I am resolving to moan more about it.

6. Stop slagging everyone off for no reason.
Failed miserably. Six minutes into 2011 I had already called two people "stupid twats", so it's obviously an ongoing problem.

7. Stop getting off with people I don't fancy in nightclubs.
There's nothing wrong with a little kiss every now and then, is there? Who the fuck wrote these resolutions, Ee-Yore or someone who similarly has no idea how to enjoy themselves? My Christ.

So yes, in all it wasn't exactly a good year for Resolutions was it? This year I am only making two, and if I don't keep them my life will essentially be ridiculous, so they're pretty important.

1. Pass my fucking driving test.
I have been doing lessons for around a hundred years and it seems I am incapable of passing my test. My poor driving instructor must take the money from my lessons and give it straight to his psychotherapist.

2. Go to France.
Get grades good enough that I won't have to re-sit modules and get myself to France in October where I can spend my days eating croissants (which I don't actually like but whatevs) and getting off with boys named Pierre and Jean-Jacques.

All in all it wasn't that bad a year, was it? If we exclude 90% of my time spent at University, that time in The Bank when I was sick all down myself and had to go home and that date where I drank two bottles of wine and shouted as loudly as possible that the man I was with had taken advantage of me, I'd say it was pretty good.

I went to Belfast, passed my first year at University, got to co-host my own radio show, saw the greatest spectacle of my life in the form of Rihanna's show, had "intimacy" with some lads I actually fancied and dressed up as Cheryl Cole for Halloween...not too shabby, eh?

And now it is all over. I'm trying to think of a not cheesy ending so I'll just say: let's try and make as many happy memories in 2011 as I had in 2010. And, in the interest of not being cheesy, I will conclude with the word urethra.