Saturday, 27 November 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Bloody 'ell, Daniel, it hasn't been five minutes since you last did a blog". Thing is, I'm rather enjoying writing my blog again which is refreshing because for a long time I was sick to death of it. Also, now that the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup is no longer confined to just Fridays I can now update it whenever I feel like it so I'm sorry for the bombardment but at the end of the day if you didn't have such a thirst for celebrity gossip then you wouldn't be here, would you? No you would not.

1. Something unbelievable is happening with Amy Studt. (Twitter)

You might remember Amy Studt for her angst-y singles Just A Little Girl and Misfit from back in 2003. If you're anything like me they were your anthems to get you through to the day with an empowering song in your head. A few years later Studt was back with a second album (I will bet you my entire student loan that, unfortunately, you will not have heard anything from it) which was actually much better than her first, slightly immature, offering. Before I go on with the story, let's just have a look at her most recent single Nice Boys which I love:

I know most of you won't even pretend to have watched it, but please do. It's right there and it's a very good song. And for all of you who are here through Messy Carla because you write a fashion blog- there's a nice dress in the second half of the video! Something to look out for.

So anyway, Studt took to her Twitter this week with the surprising news that she was writing a track for a certain pop princess:

That's right folks, in what might possibly be 2010's most surprising piece of celebrity news, Amy Studt is writing a track for Britney Spears. It's been a strange year for singer/songwriters with devoted fans on the Internet but no one else who's heard of them, as Nerina Pallot has also had songs featured on albums by Kylie Minogue and Joe McElderry. And let's not forget Nothing Fails, the track by Jem which ended up on the Madonna album American Life. I think it's only a matter of time before Lady GaGa unveils a new collaboration with Sandi Thom.

I wish I was a punk rocker with telephones in my hair...

2. Calvin Harris is chucking the vocals towel in. (NME)

Calvin Harris announced this week that he would no longer be performing vocals at his shows, as his nerves before live shows always stop him enjoying the performances. He also said that looking after his voice during his tours was a "nightmare", and he couldn't go out the night before for fear of damaging his voice.

While he's said that he will do "some studio singing" on his future tracks, in the future he'll be focusing more on producing tracks for other people and his DJ sets rather than his own live performances. He's also, quite excitingly actually, said he's going to do tracks with proper performers who are trained to sing live every night.

That's quite an exciting prospect, really, isn't it? Could there be a Mark Ronson/Timbaland-style "Calvin Harris and Friends" album around the corner? He's produced tracks for Kylie Minogue and The Ting Tings, as well as being sampled during Madonna's Sticky and Sweet Tour so he won't have to look too far for contributors.

I must admit, though, I do quite like Calvin's songs where he songs, he has quite a unique voice doesn't he?

1. You Used To Hold Me
2. Colours
3. I'm Not Alone

3. It looks like Gamu might not be deported after all. (BBC News)

Good news for fans of people not being deported, The X Factor's Gamu is looking increasingly like she may be able to stay in the country after all. After it was revealed that the Zimbabwe-born teenager's mother was staying in the United Kingdom illegally, it looked like she and her family would have to return to the African country. However, at a court hearing this week the Home Office decided to re-consider the decision to deport the singer.

According to news reports, judges have decided that Gamu and her family have passed through the first round of their fight to remain in the country. That's all well and good but let's not forget this is Gamu we're talking about. She'll probably sail through the second round no bother as well, only to be denied at the last entrance in lieu of a two-stone rapper and a prostitute's grand-daughter.

That's not funny really, is it?

I'm done.

Friday, 26 November 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Before I go any further, I'd just like to draw your attention to a response to my most recent Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup, which featured the watery new videos from Cheryl Cole and Joe McElderry:


So anyway Friday used to mean only one thing, it was time to look back over the past seven days of celebrity news. Due to a strange mix of laziness and eagerness, celebrity roundups are now a free-for-all that I'm shooting out at the rate at which Holly Willoughby shoots out babies (ie. You never know when there's one coming and all of a sudden there's another one), and so let's have a look at what those crazy famous folk are up to this time...

1. Is this still funny? Yes? Excellent. (The Sun)

Gillian McKeith is still unknowingly destroying what little credibility she had with her stint on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here with her erratic, frustrating and sometimes quite frightening behaviour. I'm still not watching the show because insects and worms and kangaroo testicles knock me sick, but you can't swing a dick these days without hearing someone talking about Crazy Gillian.

Since last we spoke about her, she's fainted about a hundred times which has prompted people to claim she's faking as she's fine a minute later. Now I'm going to share a story with you all. One time I fainted in Biology and about a second later I felt fine. So to avoid people thinking that I was faking the faint (which I wasn't) I decided to, you know, milk it. Ironically, this is one of the few things I've ever done that wasn't for attention, instead I didn't want people to think the initial faint was faked, so ironically I decided to fake the aftermath. No one has ever questioned whether or not the faint was genuine so I must have done alright with my lies. My point is; it is possible to faint and then feel fine immediately afterwards. Shame Gillian wasn't as smart as me, really, now she's got everyone talking about her.

The main reason she hit headlines this week was because, after being put in the "Jungle Jail" Gillian threw a proper strop and told producers she had to return to camp because WAIT FOR IT she was pregnant. What a dick.

She was also reprimanded by producers of the show this week after it was revealed that she had smuggled various contraband food into the camp in her Marks and Spencers briefs. Apparently she stitched all kinds of stuff including spices (how exotic) to the lining of her knickers in order to keep her sustenance up while on the show. What a bell end.

2. A year on and Kanye West continues to make things worse for himself. (Perez Hilton)

There should be a member of Kanye West's staff employed to follow him around and say "shh" in the style of a school librarian every time he is about to land himself in hot water. I swear the man goes out of his way to make himself disliked. It seems Kanye West is sick of looking like the bad guy with regards to the whole VMAs 2009 incident (where he grabbed the microphone off Taylor Swift and announced to the crowd that she didn't deserve her award and it should have gone to Beyoncé) so rather than leaving it in the past and giving us something new to talk about, he's making it his mission to re-write history.

Apparently, the rapper was disappointed that Taylor never once tried to defend him whenever she was quizzed about the incident. Instead, he felt victimised by the teen star, and told the crowd at his surprise gig in New York last night he thought she "rode the waves and rode it and rode it and rode it".

Really, Kanye? You're wondering why she didn't leap to your defence? Perhaps it's because she was a 19-year-old girl at the 2009 VMAs, living her dream- and you made her face go from this... this...

Really, Kanye, no one is ready to forgive you yet. If I were you I'd keep schtum about the whole thing. Of course if I were you I'd never have grabbed Taylor Swift's microphone off her, but I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree about that one as well.

3. Prossie nana is not ashamed of anything. (Daily Mail)

I feel really bad for Katie Waissel, you know. Her future in The X Factor is hanging by a thread, and suddenly the shameful way her grandmother has gone on has made the front pages. As I reported a few days ago, the Waissel family issued a statement saying they had nothing more to say on the matter. Unfortunately, the prostitute gran in question Sheila Vogel clearly feels she hasn't dragged her family's name enough into the mud, and gave an interview to The Sun newspaper saying she's not ashamed of anything and didn't care if she's ruined her grand-daughter's chances of success.

What's great about blogging as opposed to the news writing I do at Uni is that I don't have to be impartial here, which is fantastic because I think Sheila Vogel is a disgusting low-life. I'm not judging her choices, if she wants to sell herself for sex at the age of 81 then who am I to stop her? But to give an interview to a national newspaper saying "I love my job and I love sex" and that Simon Cowell is welcome to fuck her any time is pretty despicable if you ask me, knowing fine well the effects it will have on your family who have suddenly been catapulted into the public eye.

"I could go on for years yet," says Vogel, who also claims that being a prostitute keeps her young, "Why should I stop?" How about because you're embarrassing everyone around you, but most of all you're embarrassing yourself, you old slag.

Another reason to hate old people if you ask me. Katie's not the only X Factor contestant she's hurting with her refusal to give up prostitution. Poor old Chloe Maffia has practically no clients left. Meanwhile, she's left poor old Wagner penniless...

And so ends another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.
Don't be jealous of my boogie!

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Fittie Of The Week: Lloyd Daniels.

All the way through last year's X Factor I was dying for Lloyd Daniels to get his kit off. Didn't the producers see how much publicity and votes such a move would bring in? Unfortunately, it did not happen but as another year rolls on and as Olly Murs, Joe McElderry and (inexplicably) Jedward are the contestants who continue to stick on our mind from last year's series, Lloyd is doing his best to remind us why we loved him in the first place. And let me tell you, I am thoroughly enjoying the trip down memory lane..

And so, for this week's Fittie Of The Week I give you the beautiful Lloyd Daniels with his kit off for the upcoming "naked" issue of Gay Times...

If you like you can watch a video of numerous other shots of Lloyd by clicking here to go to Digital Spy. There's also an interview with him but if I'm being honest the second I saw his bare arse I stopped paying attention.

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

It bloody snowed today. And so it begins. "Snow" is going to be trending on Twitter for the next thousand years. No one is going to be able to go "bit cold in here, isn't it?" without being bombarded by in-depth weather reports from numerous sources. Obnoxious people are going to be updating their Facebook statuses to tell the world they're putting their (wellington) boots on and, baby, getting to work, work.

Personally, I frigging hate the snow and everything else about Winter. It's slippy and there's all that slush on the ground for hateful teenagers of Sunderland to kick at you when you're on your way to another miserable day at Uni. Thankfully, I have my beloved celebrities to keep me warm, and here's some now in the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Something fishy's going on at Camp Jackson. (Digital Spy)

Breaking News, the teaser track from the latest upcoming Michael Jackson album, was released to YouTube a few weeks ago now, and Twitter was a-flutter with people saying it wasn't the real deal. Despite coming from Jackson's official label, people were still speculative the singer on the track was actually an impostor and the whole thing was an attempt to cash in on his death. Decide for yourself here:

Quite morbid really, him singing about writing his obituary and everyone tuning into the news to see Michael Jackson. My cynical side thinks that the lyrics are a bit too co-incidental for it to really be him. That and the effect even his sister LaToya Jackson and mother Katherine Jackson have issued statements claiming they don't believe it's Jackson on the track.

To add insult to injury Ricky Galliano, a Jackson impersonator, has come forward and said he was paid £1700 per song to record vocals for what he was told by Sony (Jackson's former record label, who will be releasing his first post-humous album Michael) was a tribute album to the popstar, who died in 2009.

Sony, of course, are saying he's chatting absolute shite, and insisting it's all Michael Jackson on his upcoming album. Meanwhile Akon and Teddy Riley, two of the producers on the upcoming Michael album, are also insisting it's Michael Jackson singing on tracks Breaking News and Hold My Hand both think that the popstar is still alive and is, in fact, in hiding somewhere. I don't know if this helps matters at all, but my mam also thinks he's still alive. Think of that what you will.

2. The Waissels are disgusted at their prossie nana. (3am)

When I first heard the allegations that The X Factor's Katie Waissel's 80-year-old grandmother who had been acting as a prostitute I decided to take it with a pinch of salt until it was confirmed by Waissel herself. What I'd guessed had happened was that in her youth, Sheila Vogel (the grandmother in question) had at one time slept with a rich man and the story had spiralled from there. However, this is not the case. It turns out her gran is a prostitute even as we speak, advertising herself on the (amazing) website under a pseudonym.

How embarrassing for Katie though. For the first time in Christ knows how long she wasn't in the bottom two this week, only for her grandmother's shameful secret to come out in the open. The Waissels released a statement today saying:

"We were completely shocked and devastated to hear of the news that my grandmother, Sheila Vogel, has been conducting immoral activities, including prostitution and pornography. We, as a family, disassociate ourselves wholly from these activities and from any future stories that arise from them. There will be no further comment."

Christ knows how this will impact Katie's future in the competition, which is already hanging by a thread. We'll see on Sunday, won't we, where there'll apparently be a double elimination which is unsurprising because there's only a few weeks left until the final and still a hundred people left in the contest.

3. Geordies are releasing water-themed music videos left, right and center (no, that's nothing to do with water-sports, Sheila Vogel). (We Are Pop Slags)

I don't know what it is, but Cheryl Cole's music videos constantly disappoint me. I don't think she's had a particularly memorable video since Fight For This Love, and even that was only because she kept wearing variations of the military outfit when she performed the song live. Who wants to see me in drag wearing it? Of course you do:

Fantastic. Anyway, Cheryl has just released the video for her brand new single The Flood and I am very impressed with it. I like all the moody shots of her looking out the window, and all the footage of the rolling water goes with the song nicely. Here's the video for them what wanna see it:

Lovely song, that. I do hope she doesn't show herself up by trying to sing it live, though. As if all that Geordie/water action from Cheryl wasn't enough, last year's X Factor winner Joe McElderry has also released the video for his alright-at-best-but-come-along-folks-Ambitions-didn't-do-so-well-so-we-really-need-better-than-this new single Someone Wake Me Up and every other shot is that of crashing waves, or gushing water, or people getting splashed:

Dunno about you, but I'm dying for a wee after all that.

And so ends another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Monday, 22 November 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

It doesn't seem like five minutes since I last did a Silly Old Celebrity Roundup. There's that poem, isn't there, called "Bloody Men Are Like Bloody Buses" where it says that men are like buses because you wait ages for one and then loads come along at once, and I think my blog is like that. Mind you, if that's true about loads of men coming along at once, I'm still waiting I can tell you.

Strangely, my head of year once read that poem out to us at Sixth Form during a Valentines Day assembly before her husband appeared from the back of the room reciting a sonnet to display to us teenagers how real romance should go. More strangely still, a few months later she announced to us she was pregnant, which prompted a round of applause from the year group. In what can only be described as the greatest quote of my life, my dear friend Emma then leaned over to me and said: "Yes, well done for having sex". Amazing.

So anyway, since I last updated my blog, famous people have been doing things left, right and centre. This is good for me because the reason I stopped blogging so much, as well as generally being too busy to stick to the pattern I'd been in previously, was because celebrities had become so boring. So let's find out what they've been up to the last few days...

1. Loose Women have worn ill-fitting dresses and helped orphans or something. (Daily Mail)

It's a known fact that the highlight of every day in the Welsh household comes when we all gather around the television and watch that day's Loose Women we have recorded on Sky Plus. At the moment our TV is being fixed, so my parents are watching today's show on ITV player as I write this.

During one of last week's shows, the girls (particularly Carol McGiffen and Sherrie Hewson) were discussing the nerves they were feeling due to their upcoming performance of The Promise on this year's Children In Need, which took place on Friday night. As well as the aforementioned tuneless duo, Zoe Tyler, Andrea McLean and Denise Welch (who is believed to have been wearing five or six pairs of Spanx to help her into her glittering gold dress) were heard belting out the Girls Aloud track. Let's hear how they got on, shall we?:

If there is anything sweeter than the tuneless warbling of Sherrie Hewson, I'm yet to find it. Tell you what though, Zoe Tyler can sing but you cannot go putting on that shitty jazz voice when you're doing a Girls Aloud track. Next she'll be performing Something Kinda Ooooh as an opera duet, featuring Rhydian...

2. Nadine Coyle does herself no favours. (4Music)

I tell you what it is, Nadine Coyle makes it very difficult to defend herself. I think the image she's trying to put out at the minute is that while she's doing her solo career she'd prefer not mention Girls Aloud, but come along now. There's trying not to let your past dominate your present and then there's just being a big bitch.

In an interview with 4Music, him off T4 whose name I'm not actually sure of but you'll know who I mean when you see him asked Nadine what the rest of the band have been up to since they went on hiatus, and while she was correctly able to say that Cheryl Cole has been very busy being the most famous woman in the United Kingdom, her knowledge of the other girls is a bit cringe-inducing.

She starts off talking about Sarah Harding before going on to basically say it was a massive failure, making excuses that the acting industry is hard for a popstar to break into the film industry (tell that to Jennifer Hudson). Then she started mentioning Nicola Roberts and her makeup range but trailed off before she got to say "Nicola has, of course, become one of them people who are always at the front row in Fashion Week despite not actually contributing anything to the world of fashion, and was known this time five years ago as the ugliest member of the world's chavviest girlband".

The best bit was yet to come, though, as Nadine just forgot that bandmate Kimberley Walsh existed. "Is that everyone?" she asked awkwardly, clearly forgetting- much like the rest of the world- that Kimberley Walsh ever was. When reminded she said, quite humorously, "Oh. Well...I don't know what she's doing either" before letting out a little giggle. If you'd like to watch the interview yourself then here it is:

I'm quite liking this naughty, bitchier side to Nadine. Tell you what, though, there's still no excuse for that indecipherable accent nor her horrendous debut solo single.

3. You have not heard the last of Gamu yet. (Daily Record)

As 2010 draws to a close, I genuinely thought to myself "Well, , a year that has brought us some laughs and some tears may soon be over, but at least I'll never have to hear the name Gamu again as long as I live."

However, I've been proven wrong. Continuing in the theme of "bell ends buying any old shite just so someone doesn't get to achieve their life dream", another alternative song has been suggested as the antidote to The X Factor winner's single making it to Christmas Number 1, and this year it's Gamu's turn to try and topple the Simon Cowell regime. She's releasing the song Where Will You Sleep This Christmas?, a patronising and dreary number designed to make you feel guilty about enjoying your Christmas when there are some people out there having a right old shite time.

It is all for charity, with all the proceeds going towards helping disadvantaged children, so I shouldn't really slag it off so much. But really, a cheery number with all the proceeds going to charity would have been just as effective, Gamu. I understand you were nationally humiliated a few months ago, and are currently facing deportation, so you're not really in the mood for an All That Jazz-style toe-tapping romp, but there's no need to drag us all down with you. Especially at Christmas, you'll have people sobbing into their stuffing for Heavens sake.

And so ends another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup

Sunday, 21 November 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I suppose you're here because you want to hear things that celebrities have been doing, and then you want me to slag these things off and remind you how ridiculous it is we are all endeared to celebrity culture. But do not look down on celebrities. I love them all. It is now time for another, shorter but more frequent now I'm not limited to five stories on a Friday, Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Katie Waissel has a manky new hairstyle. (Daily Mail)

On tonight's Beatles-themed episode of The X Factor, the award for "performance of the night" should really go to Katie Waissel. It won't, and she will probably be in the bottom two again tomorrow for the simple reason that she is posh and posh people are not allowed to be popstars because we don't like them. Here is a list of posh people that we, as the Great British Public, can generally agree are alright:

Alright Posh People
1. Stephen Fry
2. Posh Spice (note: not actually posh, just misleadingly titled to make you think she is)
3. Prince William
4. That is all.

Thing is, Katie's performance of Help! was absolutely amazing. Katie's had a bit of a tough time since she started on The X Factor, being accused of being fame-hungry and desperate for attention. Thing is, bitches, why would anyone apply for X Factor if they weren't craving the thrill of fame? One thing I've never understood about Katie is the people who say she is fake, if you ask me she's never pretended to be anything other than what she is; completely over-the-top to the point of nausea and, of course, infuriatingly annoying. But is she a bad person? Has she really done anything that terrible? Or is she a just a girl on a talent show who's found herself in a sticky situation as Public Enemy #1?

Her rendition of the song was absolutely astounding, because it was almost uncomfortably personal. Katie was practically begging with her version of the song, and what she was begging for was another chance. She was begging for approval. She was begging us to look at her the way she wants us to look at her. And how do we do those things? By voting for her, of course. This song was Katie's way of begging us for votes, so she doesn't find herself in the Bottom 2 for the fifth time since the competition began.

What I loved was that when Cher Lloyd performed her (amazzzzzzzzzzzing amazing amazing) version of Stay a few weeks ago, it was praised for being "stripped back" and "raw". Similarly, Aiden Grimshaw's performances in the past had received similar approving comments from the judges. At the end of the day, though, Katie's performance was more raw than anything we've seen on the competition since that lass punched her mate in the face (doesn't that seem like years ago now?) The arrangement was minimal, there was no staging, she was wearing a fairly standard dress. More importantly, her bloody hair had all been cut off! Literally, every distraction you could possibly have had from Katie's performance had been pulled back (no foreskin jokes, please, I'm trying to make a serious point about not hating someone just because it's cool to) and all that was left was Katie and her song. And I think she sang beautifully.

Moving on into more bitchy territory-- what the fuck was she playing at with that hair? The thing is, prior to this drastic change Katie was notorious for her roots, which could be seen from space. Let's remind ourselves, shall we?

Horrible. Thing is, Katie explained in her X Factor video diary that her hair was so destroyed from bleaching it that if she were to touch up her roots once more, her hair would snap and fall out so she just had to leave them. Tricky situation to be in, when you're already the most hated person in a talent contest where appearance means everything (unless, obviously, you are Big Fat Mary who can go onstage without even washing her hair and still be praised for being a "real woman" by Cheryl Cole), so she started wearing a wig.

I think Katie is sick to death of the whole thing, and I admire what she did this week. She obviously thought she had nothing to lose, already being hated, and went out there and did quite a shouty version of one of The Beatles' most loved tracks with what could only be described as a Dot Cotton hairstyle. Check it out, though, folks:

Chilling. Vote Katie.

2. Jason Manford has been naughty and is now unemployed. (Holy Moly)

It's been such a while since I've been in the Celebrity Roundup swing that I completely glossed over Jason Manford's naughty Twitter sexcapades, but they've come back to bite him in the arse this week as more girls have stepped forward and admitted to having received sordid messages from the comedian, with some claiming they even Skyped one another.

It's been revealed that Jason Manford is an idiot. Using Skype to harass girls over the Internet when he is a married man. Hasn't he heard of Oovoo, a free service similar to Skype in that it allows you to video chat over the Internet using a webcam and microphone, but it also allows you to have video conference calls with up to five other recipients. He could have had a few people flashing him at once! What a missed opportunity.

Sadly for Jason Manford, the shame of it all has forced him to quit his job hosting The One Show, which really isn't surprising as he is clearly a giant skeaze of the worst kind. He's trying to pass loneliness off as his excuse, but if you ask me if he was that lonely he could have picked up the phone and spoken to his pregnant wife, heard how her day was going, found solace in her voice. Then he could have watched some porn and finished himself off before dozing satisfied off to sleep. He needn't have included other people the way he did, the bell end, and now he's paying the price for it.

The most shocking thing of all-- Jason Manford is only 29!! Can you believe it? I'd have guessed early 40s, don't know about you.

3. Cheryl Cole ain't taking no shit from no one. (Digital Spy)

Tonight's edition of The X Factor was full of conflict and excitement, no thanks to the tedious performances that were showcased in it, more due to the fiery Cheryl Cole and the relentless way she stuck up for herself and her acts during the show. First off, Simon Cowell criticised the ridiculous staging Cheryl had set up for her act Cher Lloyd during her performance of Imagine, which saw Cher singing the song on a spiral staircase that led nowhere. Simon said it was ridiculous, and Cheryl started ranting and generally showing herself up like she always does when she lets her gob run without thinking first.

Simon then quite stupidly introduced his gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous (etc.) boyband One Direction saying: "No silly staircases... here's One Direction", which led Cheryl to criticise Simon's staging choices when the boys were finished singing. You didn't see this bit, but then they all came to my house and had sex with me. It was fantastic. None of them were bell ends like you'd imagine them to be, and the sex was brilliant.

Meanwhile, it was Wagner's turn to face the wrath of Cheryl Cole. Earlier in the week he was asked by an undercover reporter what he thought of Cheryl, and he said he thought she was "just a girl from a council estate who got lucky". Cheryl turned it on Wagner and told him he should focus more on his own performance and less on how "lucky" she is. She went on to say how proud she was of her working class roots, which left quite an awkward cloud hanging over the judging panel. Wagner tried to stick up for himself, but realistically once Cheryl Cole has had a go at you, there's no point trying to resort to self-defence. Just ask that toilet attendant she clouted.

And so ends another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

This blog has become an absolute shambles. Like an untamed pubic bush, I have allowed it to grow wild and untamed. This ends today. Now I love having a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup on a Friday as much as anyone, but frankly that system is not working anymore. For those of you who still read the blog, I'm now going to do a Celebrity Roundup whenever I can be arsed and that will be the end of it. This is me taking control of my blog once again. And so, for the first time in about a hundred years, let's have a look at what's going on in the crazy world of celebrity...

1. Nadine Coyle could have actually died. (Perez Hilton)

It's all gone a bit tits up for Nadine Coyle hasn't it? Her uninteresting single sold about 100 copies, her album has disappeared out of the Top 40 and, to make matters worse, everyone thinks she's a massive bell end. I'm not sure how much she's paying the people who do her PR but she wants to look elsewhere, if you ask me. Either that or she wants to just send Sarah Harding a bloody text message saying "Hey babe, how's it going?" just so she can tell reporters she's still in touch with Girls Aloud. The woman does herself no favours when they're all swanning around red carpets together and she's elsewhere trying to flog the proverbial dead horse that is her disastrous solo career.

However, it's not just her career that's deadly, as Nadine revealed this week that she and her family could have died through carbon monoxide inhalation. The Coyles went four months inhaling the deadly gas, not realising it could have potentially killed them all. Thankfully, Nadine Coyle lives in a bloody great mansion, which meant that the place was ventilated enough that they did not die, and she goes on to sing another day.

I tell you what, I've done a lot of bad things in my time but I think Cheryl Cole takes the biscuit-- gassing the chart competition is pretty low. Thankfully Nadine got her own back by hiring one of her friends who work at Disney in LA to do Cheryl's hair on this Sunday's edition of The X Factor:

2. Prince William liked it and indeed put a ring on it. (MTV)

Prince William and Kate Middleton are flaming well engaged, alright? After a good few years of shagging out of wedlock- which is a sin no matter whether or not you intend to get married eventually, it's a fucking sin so she'd better not be wearing white that fucking whore I HOPE SHE BURNS FOR WHAT SHE'S DONE SITTING ON THAT THRONE AS IF BUTTER WOULDN'T MELT IN HER MOUTH BUT WE KNOW WHAT SHE'S BEEN UP TO- the two finally revealed their engagement yesterday and gave their first ever joint interview together.

Let me tell you, that interview was a sna-hooze fest. I tell you what, though. Kate Middleton is very pretty. She has the same dimples as Cheryl Cole. I hope that they aren't dead old when they eventually take to the throne, because I like the idea of being OK about having a threesome with the monarchs. Imagine a threesome with Prince Philip and The Queen? It'd be terrible. I imagine he'd do an accidental excited fart and the Queen would be too embarrassed to finish.

It's also been revealed that William proposed with Princess Diana's iconic engagement ring. Just once I'd like someone to surprise me with some of Princess Diana's old jewellery. I do love Princess Diana, you know. It seemed to me she lived her life a candle in the wind. Never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in. And I would have liked to have known her but...I was just a kid. Her candle burned out long before her legend ever did. And now that Kate Middleton is wearing her ring.

I must admit, I kind of always prayed that Prince William would be the one to rescue Britney Spears from her horrible life, but it looks like he- like Justin Timberlake- rightly chose to abandon those dreams when she had kids.

3. Gillian McKeith is making a right tit of herself on the telly. (Daily Mail)

I don't watch I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here because it knocks me sick. If you're so desperate for fame that you would actually eat an animal's penis on the telly then, really, you need to have a good look at yourself. Poo-poker (which is, ironically, what I have been called many a time) Gillian McKeith has made a right fool of herself on the programme, apparently, by being scared of bloody everything. Heights, insects, confined name it and Gillian McKeith is phobic of it. Now I'm not saying it's funny to laugh at people who have phobias, but why put yourself in a position where you're going to be surrounded by them...on the telly?

The humiliation peaked the other day when, after being held in an underground pod with rats, she started screeching and had to be administered oxygen. This would be the point on Big Brother where the housemate was declared unstable and removed from the house, but made to look like they volunteered to leave. Supposedly, McKeith thought that the jungle thing was actually a set-up, and by night the celebrities stayed in luxury hotels (to be honest, I assumed this myself but the desperation in her eyes can't be faked, can it?)

She also annoyed the fellow members of her camp yesterday when, during a bushtucker trial, she ate only one of the five disgusting meals supplied by producers. "There's no way I'm eating penis", said Gillian as she was presented with crocodile penis. She doesn't know how lucky she's got it, I can't remember the last time someone offered me penis on a plate.

And so ends another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Fittie Of The Week: Gavin Henson.

I don't watch Strictly Come Dancing, because it is a load of absolute bollocks. Famous people learning to ballroom dance in a grim attempt to hold onto their celebrity status, what a load of shite. The obvious exception to this was when Rachel Stevens was on, because she was absolutely radiant.

Gavin Henson took his top off this week on the show and therefore got lots of attention. Here he is with his top off:

And he's newly single! Lovely.

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Big Gay Monday: Björk

I'm taking it that it's still Monday, and thus I'm still eligible to post a Big Gay Monday because I cannot sleep so I'm going to make this one a quick one. I'm listening to my "Sleepy Time" playlist on Shuffle, and "Possibly Maybe" by Björk has just come on, and it got me thinking about what an under-rated star Björk is. Of course you know It's Oh So Quiet, a song which, while her most commercially successful, represents Björk so poorly as an artist that she no longer performs it live. Not in an ungrateful-to-the-song sort of way, it just wouldn't flow if she performed it. This in itself is a contradiction because Björk's back catalogue is so diverse and all-over-the-shop that the idea of one song sticking out like a sore thumb is a bizarre notion in itself. But I digress.

It's this aforementioned back catalogue diversity that sums Björk up best and makes her such an eligible candidate for a Big Gay Monday feature about her. Because that is what we gays are all about, surely? Being loud and shouty and elated one minute and the next minute wanting to shut ourselves away and the next minute wanting to punch someone and the next minute being so overcome with passion that if we don't sink our erection into something we are going to die. And that's the beauty of Björk, anything you could possibly be feeling and she has an emotion for it.

Rather than going on with words like I normally would (or, in other words, like a Journalism student probably should) I am going to let Björk's music explain why she is so important to me (or, in other words, do things the lazy way). Here are some of my favourite Björk songs and, with each one, a quote that at some point or another gay people will be able to relate to:

Track: Hyper-Ballad
Album: Post
Underlying Queer Message: "I love you so fucking much, but I'm scared you are going to find out I am a crazy bitch, so I am going to be a crazy bitch in private and pray you never find out".

Track: Declare Independence
Album: Volta
Underlying Queer Message: "Someone is trying to hold you down, yes they are. So you are going to prep yourself up and put your fist in the air and show them that you are a tough bitch. No one pushes you around. No they don't. Work it".

Track: Cocoon
Album: Vespertine
Underlying Queer Message: "I really like fucking you. Would you like to fuck again?"

Weird, eh? Here are some other important queer things to keep in mind about Björk. Madonna once begged her to write a song for her (terrible) album Bedtime Stories, so she gave her a track about how shallow, meaningless pop music was destroying the music industry. Madonna didn't get the irony and released it as a single, not realising Björk was taking the piss out of her. Meanwhile, she was also close friends with Alexander McQueen (even performing a chilling version of Gloomy Sunday at his funeral which- somewhat distastefully- is available to watch on YouTube), who designed her infamous swan dress, as well as the weird outfits she wore in her (disgusting) Pagan Poetry video. She's also collaborated with Anthony Hegarty, an important LGBT spokesperson for the 21st century. And let's not forget, she once hilariously beat up a paparazzi photographer. Amazing stuff.

I have a final music video I urge you to watch. And then I'm done trying to win you over with Björk. Frankly if you don't love her by now then you're never going to, and I've got better things to do with my life then force Icelandic alternative popstars onto my blog readers:

Track: Army Of Me
Album: Post
Underlying Queer Message: "I love you, I really do. And I understand what you're saying. But please. For the love of God. Shut the fuck up. If I have to listen to you speak for one more second I am going to throw you under a bus".