Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Fittie Of The Week: Matt Cardle.

Did you watch The X Factor on Saturday night? I had the night off work so I went out with my dear friend Kate, but not before she came over for some pre-drinks and our favourite TV talent show. Unfortunately the one night I was able to watch the show live was the night it was an absolute snooze-fest. The most boring act, in my opinion, is Matt Cardle who for some reason is favourite to win the show. He performed an acoustic version of Britney Spears's ...Baby One More Time and his arms looked really fit.


Look at that shoulder, man. I could just take a bite out of it. I'll tell you something, though. THIS is how ...Baby One More Time should sound:



And this is how it absolutely should not sound:



Nice arms, though.

Monday, 25 October 2010

Big Gay Monday: Cheryl Cole.


The most famous woman in Britain right now is Cheryl Cole. We watch her on The X Factor, we listen to her music and we gossip about her personal life. We've seen her smacking a toilet attendant and we've seen absolute tramps shagging her husband. We've seen her climbing Kilimanjaro and we've seen her on her potential death bed. Everyone has an opinion on Cheryl Cole, and if you ask me she's bloody fantastic. Because it's Big Gay Monday, I am now going to tell you why. As if you don't already know.


First off, Cheryl Cole makes up 20% of Girls Aloud, who have probably contributed more hits important to the gay community than any other British act in the last 10 years. I was once off my face at my ex-boyfriend's house and could recognise Cheryl's sharp intake of breath at the start of Sexy! No, No, No even though he'd turned it over by the time the vocals had started, such is the importance of Girls Aloud in the gay community. Neil Tennant wrote a song for them, Paul O'Grady cannot praise them enough and they got their own Attitude cover after the release of their most recent album. Think hard about it, though. Wake Me Up. Biology. Untouchable. None of those gorgeous pop songs would have been possible without Cheryl Cole. In fact I once got off with a beautiful boy at Powerhouse while Love Machine was on and drunkenly told him "you're so fit you should...you should be on Hollyoaks". This moment would have been not even half as magical had it not been for the musical accompaniment by Cheryl and the girls.

Similarly, since the hiatus of Girls Aloud, Cheryl has been behind yet more hits in gay bars all over the country. Just days ago I had a euphoric "arms in the air" moment during Joe McElderry's Ambitions while my friend Kate argued with a DJ who wouldn't let her sing into his microphone, and who was behind that song at the end of the day? Ms Cheryl Cole and her good mentoring. Can you tell me that you don't love Alexandra Burke's Broken Heels? All Night Long? BLOODY BAD BLOODY BOYS?? Once again, you've got Cheryl to thank for that. After all, had Louis Walsh been mentoring Alexandra Burke, Christ knows what kind of shite he'd have had her singing. Let's compare Louis Walsh's past X Factor alumni- The MacDonald Brothers, Jedward, Wagner- with Cheryl Cole's- Diana Vickers, Alexandra Burke, Cher Lloyd. No contest, really. People go on about Cheryl Cole as if she is silly and that her contribution to the world is minimal, but realistically Fight For This Love was probably the best song released last year, and she is just a fantastic popstar. Her album got kind of slated, but I bloody love it.


Let's get personal for a moment. There's all these campaigns about "real" women. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. If you ask me, fuck the size debate, they don't come any more real than Cheryl Cole. We've all seen the rough times she's had in her personal life but Cheryl- until the Piers Morgan interview which aired on Saturday night- had remained in dignified silence and not given any magazine interviews about her life falling apart. Contrast this to people like Katie Price and Kerry Katona who can't wipe their arse without telling OK! magazine about it. The girl is not from the best background, she's had to work hard to get where she is today. Cheryl Cole isn't some airhead who sits down and shuts up. Last year Dermot O'Leary asked how she felt that her act had been sent home she muttered "The fact that Rikki [who?] is going home and John & Edward [phwoar!] are still here..." before Dermot interjected. Even when married to Ashley she refused to associate with the other "WAGs" and is on record saying she hates the title.


It's not just mild feminism that Cheryl promotes though. In an interview with Attitude magazine she lauded Chris Moyles for having used the word "gay" in a negative way, claiming it's only going to make it harder for young boys to come out of the closet. Or as Cheryl herself said: "How fucking disgusting. DICK". She's not stuffing it down our throats like certain popstars would, but Cheryl loves her gays. And the gays bloody love her. And why shouldn't they? She's beautiful, she's articulate and if someone started on you in a bar she'd clock them in the mouth for you. And that's that.

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Tuesday, 12 October 2010

An Open Letter To Gay Teenagers.


Hello, I don't know how you found this blog. Perhaps you stumbled upon it when trying to access gay pornography, or looking for a light-hearted read about celebrity gossip. Usually I'm very accommodating with that sort of thing, but there's something pretty rubbish going on in the gay world right now, and I'm gonna have a bit of a serious sit down moment if that's alright with you.

In the past few weeks, just to my knowledge, at least five young gay people have ended their lives because they couldn't take the pressures on them for being gay. Some of them were being bullied, some of them were scared of rejection from their families and peers, some of them just couldn't accept it themselves. It's absolutely shite. It completely knocks the wind out of me, I'm absolutely sickened that this sort of thing is still allowed to go on. The worst thing is that it's something that I, and so many gay people, can relate to. The chances are, we've been there ourselves.

I didn't fit in at school. I wasn't popular and for a long time I'm ashamed to admit I hated myself. I don't really like to talk about it because...well why would I? But it's safe to say that in my Catholic school in the North East of England I was not exactly welcomed with open arms and I didn't have many friends. And truthfully, I got hounded quite a bit. I'd remember times where I would walk from one end of the schoolyard to another and count the number of people who approached me just to take the piss out of me. It was really, really awful. And it is the sort of thing that stays with you. A few months ago someone who used to mock me and call me a faggot came into my work and chatted to me as if everything was OK, and nothing had gone on between us at all, and literally I felt like I was a limp-wristed 15 years old in my PE shorts and braces on my teeth again. And it is the worst feeling in the world.

The worst of it is, back then I felt like I had no one to talk to. I didn't know any other gay people, and I couldn't talk to my parents about it because then I'd have to tell them I was gay. So I had to keep all of this sadness and anger and resentment inside. I remember coming home from school once, crying and crying and crying, and I couldn't tell my mam why. And when you keep all that in, it starts to point inward, and you start to hate yourself and blame yourself for what's going on. If enough people make you feel worthless, you start to believe it. And so you feel angry. You feel embarrassed. You feel silly. And that's what's happened to these poor teenagers all over the world who feel like the only escape from it all is killing themselves. Thankfully, I admit, things never got that bad with me, but they could have.

So if you're reading this and you're one of those poor souls who feel like you have nowhere to turn, and the whole world is on your shoulders and you can't take the person you seem to be turning into then I have news for you: it gets better. It's a cliché, of course it fucking is, but I promise you it does. I assure you, folks, the sooner you accept the person you are the sooner you can learn to love your life. One day you'll walk away from it all a stronger person, and the people who took the piss out of you will look at themselves and see what fucking losers they are. The whole thing is a test, and once you pass it and it's nothing but an ugly memory, I promise you'll look ahead and wonder how such lowlives could ever make you feel bad about yourself.

And if you're reading this and you know in your heart that you've given someone a hard time because of who they are, then take a good hard look at yourself. What the fuck is wrong with you? To you it's a joke, it's banter, it's something to make your friends laugh. But what about the person you're degrading and humiliating? Just think carefully before you act. You fucking loser.

Back to you, beautiful gay boys and girls. If some arsehole is making you feel shit, you don't have to put up with it. It might feel like you're powerless, and right now you might be, but the more you listen to the people telling you you're worthless the more you'll start to believe it's true, and I fucking promise you it isn't. What's happening to you isn't your fault, you aren't bringing it on yourself, all you're doing by keeping going is showing how brave you are. Please, though, before you do anything stupid, please talk to someone. If you're comfortable enough to talk to one of your parents about it, then go for it. If not, think of someone else. A close friend, one of the cooler teachers-- even if worse comes to worst and you really feel like there's no one, there's always a professional you can talk to at the other end of the phone. Please, before you do anything stupid, please keep in mind what I'm going to say now.

I once stood where you are now, and I'll admit it's not always easy. But you do come through it, and right now I wouldn't want my life any other way. I have great friends who understand me, I get to go to the best clubs and dance to the best music. I get to know that I'm a better person, and that if life decides to rain shit on me I can just put up my parasol and stay there until it's clear. My classmates are Alan Carr and Joe McElderry and Gok Wan and Adam Lambert and Ellen DeGeneres and Jake Shears and Darren Hayes and Neil Tennant and Jane Lynch and Lady GaGa-- and let me tell you they've all gone through it and come out stronger at the other side as well. I promise you- it does get better.

I put this on Twitter a few weeks ago, and I echo it once again:


Show those fuckers what you're made of. Chin up. We're beautiful and better than the fucking lot of them :)

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Monday, 11 October 2010

Checking in.

Bloody 'ell, lads. I haven't written anything in nearly two weeks, and even then it was just perving on Liam Payne off of The X Factor, who these days is best known as the second best-looking of boyband One Direction. I'm sorry I have been away for so long (I'm not pretending you've been sat by the computer waiting for me to blog all this time but I know some of you do enjoy reading what I have to say and I thank you) but truthfully I have been quite busy, and in my spare time blogging only felt like a chore to me and I thought that if it felt like a chore it would probably come across in my writing and what would be the point in writing something shit just for the sake of it?

I'm back at University which is surprisingly not half as bad as I remembered, but I don't start till 5 on Mondays so at the minute I'm sitting in the library on my own. To all the Daily Mail readers who think that students do nothing but snort mephedrone and bum each other, I'd like you to picture me typing away at this little computer, listening to The Saturdays and waiting for my lecture to start. I also went on a few dates with a very nice young man, but unfortunately on our third date I got wrecked and behaved in a manner surpassing "crazy bitch" and actually in a league entirely of its own. To be honest I'm a bit hazy on the details of what actually went down, due to the bottle of wine I consumed over the course of the evening, but it's safe to say I frightened the poor guy enough to warrant never seeing him again. Some people just don't know what they're getting themselves into, do they?

I'm a bit obsessed with the new Saturdays song at the moment. Here is my current favourite iTunes playlist:


I've missed a few celebrity roundups, so I'll do an abridged version without sources and pictures of the past few weeks, just in case you're not following me on Twitter and missed what I've had to say about a few things:

1. Katie Price crashes her carriage and blames being a woman.
As if the daft bitch hadn't already set the feminist movement far back enough, she then crashes her horse carriage and says she is a "typical woman driver". Vile.

2. Cheryl Cole has been receiving death threats.
From Gamu, presumably. It's a fucking talent show, people, lighten up.

3. Lady GaGa's been quiet recently, hasn't she?
Yes, she has.

4. Dannii Minogue's autobiography is out in all good and most shite book shops as of now.
I wonder how many times Kylie will be mentioned. My sister, Kylie. Kylie. My sister. Kylie. Ky. Lie.

Hope you're all keeping well, anyway. I literally can't believe how busy I feel at the minute between Uni and work and attempting to have some class of a social life (I'm focusing on all those things since trying to have a romantic life fell on its arse thanks to my unfortunate Crazy Bitch Syndrome mixed with my old friend vin blanc), but I shall try my hardest to keep on top of the blog. I've had to start another blog, this time I've chosen to focus specifically on reality TV, for one of my journalism modules so if you'd like to read that it's over at Through To Bootcamp, which will be nice for anyone who enjoys my X Factor tweets on Sunday nights (I know some of you must...)

Anyway, that's quite enough out of me.
Laters!
D xx