Thursday, 30 September 2010

Fittie Of The Week: Liam Payne.

Liam Payne is only 16, and is therefore a controversial candidate for Fittie Of The Week, but as we all know I'm all about controversy. LIAM PAYNE'S GONNA EAT YA:

This is obviously a joke, readers. Liam Payne is actually singing a song here, rather than extending his jaw in order to swallow a human whole. I tell you what, I definitely would. Truthfully I can't find any photos of him looking over 14 years old, so let's watch his audition again and remember why we (I) fell in love with him in the first place:


Friday, 24 September 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Gloomily, I am back at University in a matter of days now. Not too bad, my first day back I'm only in for two and a half hours, and I don't actually start till 5pm, so I can't complain too much about being overworked. Annoyingly, though, the only day I don't have an early start is a Friday, which means that my new night for going out is going to have to become a Thursday, which is notoriously shite in Newcastle unless you're after going to Stonelove which I am certainly not. I fear my social life is going to suffer this year. What a load of balls. Never mind that though, famous people (namely Katy sodding Perry as it happens) have been up to all kinds of shite this week, and you can read all about it in this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Brand and Lambert vs. The Paps. (Just Jared/Holy Moly)

Paparazzi beware.

By this stage in the game we've seen basically every inch of Katy Perry except her vajayjay. I can understand why she'd want to keep it under wraps, vaginas are absolutely disgusting. Vile, they are. However, even über slags like Katy Perry should be given privacy and dignity, regardless of the provocative nature of their clothes. One paparazzi photographer disagreed with this idea this week, however, when he decided to try and stick his lens up Katy's dress.

Now this by itself is a disrespectful act, but at the time Katy was at the airport with her comedian boyfriend Russell Brand, who failed to see the funny side of the whole thing and rather than saying "oh, mate, not cool", instead chose to beat the guy up. This was quite silly, though, as many people around at the time had cameras what with them all being photographers and all, so silly Russell ended up getting arrested for battery. Katy Perry, of course, was simply loving the attention and took to her Twitter to defend her detained husband:

I wish some man loved me enough to beat up a photographer for me. As if photographers hadn't taken enough of a beating this week, celebrity homosexual Adam Lambert was trying to innocently sunbathe in a stupid fucking hat when he lashed out at photographers, with what can only be described as a hilarious struggle between homo and paparazzi ensuing. Let's get a look, shall we?:
What a stupid fucking hat. And last time Adam Lambert bent a man over in that position it wasn't just the zoom lens that was extending. DO YOU GET IT? BECAUSE ADAM LAMBERT IS A HOMOSEXUAL. WHEN HE HAS SEX WITH OTHER MEN THEY ARE OFTEN BENT OVER IN FRONT OF HIM MUCH LIKE THAT PHOTOGRAPHER. DO YOU GET IT? Good. Fabulous. What's next?

2. Kelly Osbourne fucking hates Dannii Minogue, unlike the rest of the world who are completely indifferent about her (even Kylie is "on the fence") (Not really, it's her sister she's probably quite fond of her). (Digital Spy)

SHAROOOOOOOOOOON (actually this image depicts her daughter, Kelly).

Before I begin this tale what I would first of all like to say is: What the fuck is a publisher doing allowing Dannii Minogue to write her life story? I mean I don't dislike Dannii Minogue at all, but let's be honest she is completely unremarkable, isn't she? The thing is, though, she isn't even shit and desperate like Lisa Scott-Lee. If Lisa Scott-Lee had a book out fair enough it wouldn't quite be War and Peace, but at least it would be a trashy tale of desperation and C-list parties. In fact, I'd quite like to read it if I'm honest. But Dannii Minogue? Writing a book? Really?

On that note, the News Of The World published extracts of Dannii's book this week, including a particular fight with Sharon Osbourne which saw Sharon shouting and swearing at her, seemingly for no reason. We all know that since Sharon left we can all pretty much decipher that what happened was:

1. Sharon was pissed off that Dannii was there when she has made no remarkable contribution to pop music (although Don't Wanna Lose This Groove is quite this good but would be nothing without the Madonna sample).
2. Sharon therefore decided to go around the place slagging Dannii off, presuming Simon would see the funny side.
3. He didn't.
4. Enter: Cheryl Cole.

So anyway, in these extracts Sharon sounds like something of a monster who raves and rants about the place. She was on the Asda adverts, for fucks sake, how evil can she be? So anyway, let's see what Sharon's daughter Kelly Osbourne, the real star of this story, had to say on her Twitter page:

Do you know what? Kelly Osbourne is right. Everyone was on Sharon's side of the argument, until Sharon started behaving in an unladylike manner on TV while Dannii remained silent about the whole thing (unbeknownst to the rest of the world she was fucking furious, not that you'd be able to tell by looking at her face which was completely motionless thanks to gratuitous abuse of botox). What else, Kel?

I'd just like to stress that this tweet is completely untouched, Kelly Osbourne has actually suggested that Dannii Minogue, off the M&S advert is actually the devil. Beelzebub. Satan. Lucifer. That is what she is saying. As a Catholic, this is what Wikipedia says I believe about the devil:


Right. Kelly Osbourne believes that Dannii Minogue is responsible for all suffering in the world? Pain. Suffering. AIDS. Social injustice. War. Peril. Famine. Corruption. All thanks to the woman what sang Put The Needle On It. On an unrelated note, who would like to hear my top 3 favourite songs about the devil?


I'd just like to stress one more time, that someone in the world believes that Dannii Minogue is the devil. Amazing.

3. If there is one party I wish I'd been invited to, it is here. (Perez Hilton)

I know what you're thinking, but this is not myself and Carla in the old days.

I'm still getting over the amazingness that is Rihanna and Katy Perry's friendship. Let's once again look at this photo from the VMAs and revel in it:


That's just reminded me actually, I was proper chuffed this week because Ke$ha tweeted me, except it turned out it wasn't actually her. It was an impostor. How fucking gutting is that? More importantly though, how hilarious that I got excited for nothing. See, I'm so heartless I can even laugh at my own ridiculous gaffs.

So anyway, Rihanna is Katy Perry's maid-of-honour in her upcoming nuptials, so it was her job to throw her an amazing bachelorette party, or hen do as they're known here in the United Kingdom. Somehow I find it hard to envisage Rihanna planning a party which would culminate in Katy Perry passed out outside the nearest Yates's with an L-plate on her back and an inflatable cock under her arm. However, that's not to say the party wasn't an absolute trash-fest. The party took place in Las Vegas for starters with 25 of Katy's friends enjoying entertainment from Cirque du Soleil, before heading off to a "secret location" where Katy tweeted the following the next day:


There are no words.

4. The X Factor is getting a bit murky, innit? (The Sun)

Malaria had really gotten the better of Cheryl...

Chloe Victoria completely split the public's opinion when she appeared on The X Factor on Saturday, and I dunno about you but I want to watch her audition again before we go any further into her history, background and adventures:

Let's lift this completely out of context, folks. What I see in this video is a young lass with a bit too much makeup on who wants to have a laugh, but also believes she has what it takes to be a part of the country's biggest talent competition and maybe give her daughter a better laugh. I'm not saying this was a Susan Boyle moment, or even a Leona Lewis moment, but I'm so glad that Simon Cowell decided to give her a chance, because I do see real potential in her. And you can say what you like about her being a slut or a tramp, but she has her own look and her own style, and that's a lot braver than someone like Marlon Mackenzie who looks basically like JLS threw up on him.

Unfortunately, the truth is slowly starting to unravel and it seems that Chloe has something of a troublesome past. For starters, she's been arrested over 200 times (who has time to be arrested that many times?) and it's been alleged this week that she has worked as an escort. While she has denied claims that she's a prostitute, The Sun newspaper seem quite determined to shame her, calling her a "bare-faced liar" and posting a rather embarrassing clip of her cavorting on a bed with not much on.

Meanwhile, in further X Factor news I was out in Newcastle on Wednesday night when I got a text from my friend Carla, whose blog you may well have discovered my own through. The text contained information about one of the stars of Ablisa. Let's remind ourselves of their 10/10 audition once again:

To be honest, I cannot rephrase the revelation that Carla made to me any more hilariously than she did, and so for the first time, readers, I welcome you to take a peek at my iPhone:

Again I'd like to stress this text is 100% accurate; first she punched her mate in the face (much to the envy of the rest of the UK who would also love to punch them both in the face) declaring "she's made me look like a twat", then she got her tits out for The Daily Sport. Now either we can pretend that knowledge itself is enough in this scenario, or we can accept that we have a morbid curiosity and want to see the photos. Carla knew better than to even ask me, and so as I sipped my drink in a gay bar far away, I feasted my eyes upon that strange girl's even stranger breasts. So go on. Click here to see that lass from Ablisa's actual bare breasts. I dare you.


I love you, X Factor.

5. I'm not quite done talking about Katy Perry, or Twitter for that matter. (Twitter)

Her face is up there, Elmo.

My friend Katie thinks that Katy Perry is a bad influence on young girls. I counter-argued that by saying that Katy Perry probably has no desire to appeal to young girls, and if the young girls' parents let them listen to songs like Peacock and Ur So Gay then that is their own fault. However, there is no denying that when you film a cameo for Sesame Street like Katy Perry did this week, there is obviously a child-loving agenda to your career plan. Mind you, there is no denying that the clip itself is absolutely lovely, and you can view it for yourself here:

How cute do they both want to be, for fucks sake. Thing is, though, some of the parents weren't happy with Katy's choice of outfit. Apparently Katy's breasts are too prominent in the clip, and it's not suitable for children, so the scene has been axed from the upcoming series.

Am I the only one who believes this is unbelievably sexist?? We all know that usually I'm the first to call Katy Perry an attention-seeking skank, but is there anything really that bad about what she's wearing in the clip? True, she isn't exactly in full burkha chatting to Elmo about golf, but the fact of the matter is that Katy Perry has almost comically over-sized breasts that are going to be prominent no matter what she wears, so Katy embraces this by not wearing much at all. If you ask me, the message Sesame Workshop have sent out is that breasts are something to be ashamed of, and they definitely are not. Poor old Katy was left to break the news on (where else?) her Twitter this week and she seemed (ironically) quite deflated:

Her fiancé, however, managed to see the funny side:

And so ends this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup
Cheers for reading!

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

Fittie Of The Week: Marlon Mackenzie.

Are you watching The X Factor? I am. It's been canny, hasn't it? We might as well pack up and go home though because it's obviously not going to get any better than this little gem:

With Big Brother gone forever, it's good to know that The X Factor are more than capable of fulfilling my need for utter trash. Let the freaks pour in. Meanwhile, did you see Marlon Mackenzie's utterly unremarkable audition in front of the judges? He did this whiny version of Ain't No Sunshine- a song I, admittedly, have never been a fan of- but then D-listers all over Twitter including Aaron Renfree and Lloyd Daniels (both of whom deserve their very own Fittie Of The Week special mention at some point) started showing their support...

...and it become increasingly obvious that Marlon was more than probably somebody whose demo Simon had heard previously and invited along to audition, hideously killing the point of the competition in the first place (he'd actually auditioned before claiming he was a "house-husband" which I suppose translates as being "unemployed"). Still, let's watch his audition in the interests of being impartial:

What a bloody racket. Still, here he is doing what all men do best; taking his top off and showing a bit of pube in their MySpace photos:


Monday, 20 September 2010

Big Gay Monday: Morrissey.

I fucking love Morrissey, and have been wanting to write a Big Gay Monday about him for some time. However, as is often the case with my blog-writing these days, I couldn't be arsed. These Big Gay Monday things have to be planned, before I write them I have to sit down and think about why I think these things are so mint and give examples of how they're relevant to gay culture otherwise I end up writing an absolute pile of incoherent nonsense that people won't want to read, and I don't want that at all because on the contrary to what my laziness and nonchalance towards it may suggest, I really do love this blog and I like that people seem to enjoy reading it. Just a week ago I was proud to find that someone from school I rarely if ever spoke to had it in the bookmarks of her phone YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE (apols for being so drunk when we spoke, as well). But as I lie here on my bed, laptop on my knee, irritable from the heat of this house and the fact it's now 48 hours since I've been outside, I think it's time to chat on about why Morrissey is such an important candidate for Big Gay Monday. You might think he is quite an unusual choice, but hear me out.

You're not right in the head and nor am I and this is why I like you.

For starters, the indie scene may herald Morrissey as their leaders, wearing their battered Smiths t-shirts under their charity shop denim shirts (SOMEONE SOUND THE HYPOCRISY ALARM PLEASE) but the campness of the music of The Smiths (and, eventually, Morrissey's solo efforts) can not be lost on these people. The man sings non-stop of tragedy and melodrama in his life, he essentially follows on from Judy Garland and Édith Piaf. If he's not crooning about something, he's whining about something else and that's what makes Morrissey such an icon; he doesn't feel things by halves. He isn't sad, he's devastated; he isn't angry, he's fucking outraged; he isn't annoyed, he's bloody well disgusted. Of course this does mean that sometimes he says things he doesn't mean and ends up looking like a bell end, but such is life when you're an extremist. Truthfully, I wouldn't want Morrissey any other way, he's just a passionate guy. And isn't that what being a true gay icon is really about- passion?

Without wanting to pretend I'm someone who knows what he's talking about when it comes to music (I did just shell out £30 to go and see James Blunt in February), another reason I love Morrissey is his lyrics. I genuinely believe that, alongside Neil Tennant of Pet Shop Boys and Rufus Wainwright, Morrissey is one of the greatest lyricists of the past 30 years seemingly without trying. He expresses real emotion by saying, you know, stuff people actually say. There's no "oh baby yeah", no real poetry to mask what he really means, he just sings (presumably) what he's feeling, or at the very least what we're meant to think he's feeling when he performs. His music includes everything we gays like to revel in-- exaggerated romance, twisted humour and utter tragedy; and then there's This Charming Man which is just good to have a bop to.

I am human and I need to be loved just like everybody else does.

Alright, pretentious stuff aside it can not be denied that there is something very sexy about a young Morrissey. Maybe it's the fact that he always seemed so troubled, his moody expression and his sad eyes. And then he'll do a sort of half-smile as if he was only joking the whole time. MY LORD. I just love him. Maybe that's just me. And then when we delve into his personal life there's the fact that he's never confirmed or denied that he is gay, with songs like Hand In Glove and You Have Killed Me supposedly masking homosexual imagery. More intriguingly still, when The Smiths were at their height, Morrissey was celibate and told interviewers that he was "asexual".

One of my favourite things about Morrissey is that he has this absolutely grotesque sense of humour. He has that urge to shock people like the more flamboyant characters of Madonna and Lady GaGa, but just because he's more subtle doesn't make him any less of a provocateur. His recent comments about the Chinese people were clearly not meant with the maliciousness the media rehashed them with, I think Morrissey just wanted a few monocles to fall into a few cocktail glasses. More importantly, he's just a big bitch! He was once going on about Madonna and said: "I wouldn’t be surprised if she made that African boy she adopted into a coat and wore him for 15 minutes, then threw it away." How grotesque. I fucking love him.

Sweetness, I was only joking.

There's more, I'm just going to list reasons Morrissey is amazing. He sings songs about completely mundane things but makes them beautiful (something only someone from the North of England can truly perfect, again see Neil Tennant for more). He likes animals more than people and therefore doesn't hold back with his scathing remarks. People copied his hair (is there really a greater mark of a gay icon than that?) He's influenced artists you would never even have considered like Girls Aloud, Scissor Sisters and Lady GaGa. Russell Brand has a cat named after him.

Look, Morrissey is just the best. And if you disagree then fuck off, you're wrong.


Sunday, 19 September 2010

The (Slightly Belated) Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

It's been a week of ups and downs in my world. I had what was probably one of the best nights out of my life on Monday night, but it was also my dear friend Emma's last night out before she headed down to Leeds to start Uni, and I've just been letting things get me down more than they really ought to have so I apologise if over the past week I have depressed you. I have had a lot of fun though, mainly due to the awesome people I surround myself with. I don't say nice things enough but I really do love my friends. Cheers, lads. So anyway, you haven't come to hear about me (although my own personal roundup would probably be quite eventful as it happens, I've cried about six times this week and have kissed two boys and two girls in what can only be described as my inner bisexual coming out), you're here cos it's Friday (well, it was when I wrote this info) and that means that it's time for the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup (I'm not writing about anything that's happened since Friday as if you ask me that would be perverse)...

1. Lady GaGa is still doing mental things. (Digital Spy)

Get real.

"Little monsters" with the "Haus of GaGa" as their religious views on Facebook piss me off enormously, because it's as if they have nothing else but Lady GaGa going on in their lives (unfortunately for them, this is often the case). However, the quest for a GaGa-inspired religion took a big step towards realisation this week as it was revealed that Lady GaGa is undergoing an ordination. That's right, folks, Lady GaGa is going to be a vicar.

Actually, though, it isn't a publicity stunt (hmmm) and instead she's doing it so she can perform gay marriages for them closest to her. What a lovely thing to do, because we all know how much Lady GaGa loves them homosexuals. Only fair, really, we are keeping her in a job. According to "a source" (someone the journalist has invented, most probably) GaGa is taking it very seriously and has completed "almost all the coursework". Of course, if my A Levels taught me anything it's that when you say "my coursework is almost done", what you mean is "I haven't yet decided what I'm writing my coursework about". This reminds me of the time my first boyfriend broke up with me the night before my Spanish coursework was due in, and I had to write the whole thing through my snivelling and sobbing, after having thrown my mobile at my bedroom wall and smashing it. They say the gays can't throw but I proved them wrong that night. How embarrassing.

Anyway, if that wasn't enough GaGa craziness for you, then the VMAs took place this week and only one interesting thing happened, ie. Lady GaGa wore a dress made of meat. This happened almost a week ago so you've probably already seen, but what's the harm in looking at it again, eh?:

Them bell ends down at PETA are proper pissed off with her, claiming that this outfit made out of raw meat would actually be infested with maggots, but I'm more concerned about whoever GaGa was sat next to. Imagine you'd headed out to the VMAs wearing your finest, your hair all done and your makeup immaculate. And then someone comes and sits next to you in an edible dress smelling like Dicksons in Hebburn newtown. Suffice to say, GaGa was not invited to party with the cool kids:


2. All that's missing is the sea... (Holy Moly)


George Michael has been proper naughty. I'm sure you remember a few weeks ago George Michael drove his car into a Snappy Snaps photo shop after one too many tokes on the old spliffy spliff. Well it seemed that George has pushed his luck for the last time, and now he's in jail for the next 8 weeks, which must have been quite a shock for the singer who's been arrested for drug-driving countless town without a prison sentence. However, because he's taken the piss so many times and could have killed someone, it's off to the clink with him.

I'm not being funny, though, but 8 weeks is fucking nothing. Drug-driving is a serious crime, he could have really hurt or even killed someone, and he's done it more times than I've had hot dinners (however, we all know how I feel about hot dinners so this is probably not even an exaggeration) so if you ask me 8 weeks isn't long e-bloody-nough. Big Brother lasted 11 bloody weeks this year, surely George Michael should have a longer sentence than Mario Mugane. Although they do have a lot in common, they're both prone to randomly exposing themselves, they're both desperate for any attention they can get and they both make me ashamed to be a homosexual.

One thing's for certain, though. George Michael will be limping out of that prison at the end of his sentence.

3. One good thing came out of Ultimate Big Brother (don't bloody tell Nadia though) (OK!)

Real deal.

Ultimate Big Brother was a bit of a non-starter, wasn't it? It seemed to do more harm than good (except, of course, for Brian Dowling) as Nadia Almada thundered towards a nervous breakdown, we were all reminded of the downside to Nikki Grahame's horrendous character, and Chantelle Houghton found herself locked in a house with her really quite fit ex-husband Preston who she'd spent just under a year married to before flying off the rails, having shite injected into her face and becoming what can only be described as Chloe Victoria. Well the nation watched as Chantelle awkwardly realised she still had feelings for the frankly stunning Preston, while he remained oblivious and spent his time smoking in the garden and not really speaking to anyone.

They both opened up to OK! magazine about how they both felt they got no closure following the end of their split, and they both tried to make the other one feel like they didn't care and were getting on with their lives. And they both succeeded. So Chantelle turned into an über-tramp, and Preston turned into a bearded fatty. Apparently, they're now going to talk in private about where they go from this point onwards, although I hope for both of their sakes that they patch things up. They are obviously right together, they make each other happy. I think if they just change their status to "in a relationship" for a while and don't rush things, they could really make a go of it. And this is coming from a cynic.

More importantly, if they go on dates and stuff then Preston might become famous and respected again, which would mean more lushness from this man:

Gorgeous. He needs to take care of Chantelle. She is beautiful and lovely and so is he. They need to make it work or I will lose all faith in love and end up even more like Miss Havisham, sitting around in my wedding dress smelling like gin and semen.

4. Don't dare tell Katy Perry you don't fancy her. (Daily Mail)

Cracking tits.

Katy Perry has a new album which is called Teenage Dream. Have you heard the title track? It's very good. It goes like this "deeee deee deeee deeeee living a teeeeeeee-naaaaage dreeeeeeam". It's beautiful. So anyway, right, she has to promote this album by performing in a few different places. And when she was performing in her hometown she saw a man named Shane Lopes. Now, you don't know Shane Lopes and neither do I. But Katy Perry does.

"You were the most popular kid in my class!" shouted Katy Perry, "But you never wanted to date me". Now I don't know about you, but I'm back on Katy Perry's team, and the idea that someone didn't want to go out with her is utterly baffling to me. One day I'd like to humiliate all of the boys who wouldn't go out with me (of course, it would take up an entire concert for me just to list them), and that's just what Katy Perry did, performing her get-a-sense-of-humour-if-you-think-it's-homophobic track Ur So Gay and dedicating it to Shane Lopes.


5. There is no fucking stopping Cheryl Cole. (Now)

Cheryl leading the world's fiercest conga.

I don't know if you remember, but Cheryl Cole has had a tough year on her hands. Some prick cheated on her about 500 times, she's undergoing a divorce, she caught a life-threatening illness, while her back was turned Nicole Scherzinger swept in and won everyone over and as if that wasn't enough, her so-called "boyfriend" is a fruit. But is Cheryl Cole going to mope around and sulk? No she fucking isn't.

"I'm not depressed. Not me", she says. "I've got to keep going. I have to perform. I have to deliver".

Fuck you, world. You're not going to get her down. She can promise this. And speaking of Cheryl promising shite, she has a new song which I'm sure you know by this point is called Promise This. I'm on the fence about it at the moment, it's definitely alright at the very least but the video is just...there's nothing memorable about it. Cheryl hasn't really worn anything that's stuck in your mind since Fight For This Love really, has she? Anyway, let's have a look, shall we? You can judge it for yourself:

And that's that.

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

Fittie Of The Week: Zac Efron.

I have never heard of Wonderland magazine before, but my boyfriend Zac Efron has done a 50s-inspired spread for them and it is hot hot hot. I've been waiting for an excuse to make Zac Efron Fittie Of The Week since I kicked the whole thing off, and get a look at this:

CROTCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Fabulous. Unfortunately, in less hot Zac news he has grown what can only be described as a minging beard at the premier of his new film Charlie St. Cloud. Fancy a look-sie?

GROSS. On the other hand, though...


Wednesday, 8 September 2010

Fittie Of The Week: John James.

I did not fancy John James when he was in the Big Brother house and I still don't. He has a creepy smile and his body is too skinny (he has the same flaws as me, obviously). However, credit where it's due as this week he took his clothes off and re-created one of the David Beckham Armani photoshoots for Look magazine or Now magazine or some other rubbish magazine I wouldn't wipe my arse with. Let's look, shall we?:

He does look pretty stunning, let's be honest. Thing is though, I have drawn on abs in permanent marker in the past that have looked more authentic than the airbrushing in the above image. To be honest I'd probably have sex with anyone wearing Armani boxers, which I suppose makes me even more shallow than I'd initially thought. Worrying.

If you ask me, he should have saved taking his clothes off for a few months down the line when people have lost interest and done a huge homo-erotic spread with JJ in Attitude magazine. I predict that JJ is going to bulk up and will be back in a few months with a new ripped body and a few extra inches on his neck. I look forward to it.

Oh and to be clear, I have never actually drawn on abs in permanent marker before. I already have the body of an Adonis, you see. I might make myself Fittie Of The Week at some point in the future. Lucky you, reader(s).

Friday, 3 September 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Hello, folks-- it's been a while. The truth is for the week I was in Ibiza I fell behind in my upkeep of celebrity gossip, and a roundup consisting of "I got sunburn and played a few games of bingo with a series of people at least 40 years older than myself. However, I'm home now and back in the swing. And so-- it's Friday, let's have a look back over the past seven days of celebrity shite as seen through the bitchiest eyes in all of the North East in this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. I still really want to have sex with Jedward. (YouTube)

Just yes.

Jedward appeared on Alan Carr's chat show on Sunday and, living up to everyone's expectations, behaved like utter bell-ends throwing food around the place, talking over each other and almost knocking over his settee. However, my personal favourite moment came in what can only be described as an act of pure homoeroticism, as John wiped crumbs off of Edward's face.

Look at that, man. They're grooming each other. That's hot. I think they need to forget their "singing" careers and just focus on modelling. And, of course, by modelling I mean having sex with me. Lovely.

2. Snoop Dogg has his eye on a new ho. (Digital Spy)

Hands off my woman, muthafucka!

It's a well-known fact within the business of show that Snoop Dogg is a big fan of British soap Coronation Street. I don't mind that at all, how lovely for him. This week, however, Snoop Dogg crossed the line with regards to his views on the soap, and his comments took a turn to the sinister.

As Snoop told Daily Star journalists: "Deirdre cracks me up, man". The man has taste. But that's not all. I wish it were. "I would like to come in as the new guy on the street to turn Deirdre's head". Oh my fucking God. We all know I love Deirdre, and she is a massive slag, but imagine her in bed with Snoop Dogg? I suppose stranger and equally as disgusting things have happened on Coronation Street but personally I'd say Anne Kirkbride was a far cry from Katy Perry...

3. Sing-a-long-a-malari-a with Cheryl Cole. (Digital Spy)

"Eeeeh ah think am cummen doon wi' somthin"

Because 3 Words was so critically acclaimed, it seems that Cheryl Cole has decided to go right ahead and record a follow-up album which seemingly includes the upcoming lead single "Promise This".

The Cheryl news doesn't stop there, though, folks. Because since the song was recorded, a source said (piece of journalism advice, here, for them who read the papers- when a piece of info comes from "a source" rather than a human, 90% of the time you are about to read a pile of absolute bollocks) that the song was recorded before Cheryl took ill with malaria, but that the lyrics could be interpreted in a malaria-laiden way which will help Cheryl perform the track with more conviction when it comes to future live performances.

Now I'm no expect in what is and isn't tasteful (I do, after all, have a jeweled iPhone case) but it seems to me that "a source" exploiting Cheryl Cole's malaria in order to generate public interest in her upcoming single is a bit morbid. I mean, what if she had died? Would we be listening to the song post-humously and thinking "oh my goodness, it's like she knew" like bullshitters of the world did when The Dark Knight came out after the tragic passing of Heath Ledger?

And more importantly, still, why isn't Cheryl Cole being blamed for halting the Girls Aloud re-union with her selfish solo career like Nadine Coyle has been? I mean poor Nadine (who I'm not such a fan of if I'm honest) has been practically lynched by Girls Aloud for daring to have a life outside of interviews with Fabulous! magazine and nights out with Sarah Harding, yet Cheryl is onto album #2 without anyone batting an eyelid. Hypocrisy, I tell you.

Anyway, part of Promise This has leaked and it sounds like it's going to be bloody good. And, at the end of the day, isn't that what really counts? ("No" - the world). YouTube have since taken down the clip so if you never got to hear it... it sucks to be you.

4. This story about Lady GaGa is probably not true. (The Sun)

Sorry, Gatens.

Lady GaGa is like a showbiz journalist's wet dream because, on a particularly slow news day, you could basically invent any story you liked about her and people would take interest in it and believe it because she is such a massive bell end loose cannon. I predict this is what happened when this particular story about Lady GaGa surfaced, and that's definitely what's happening right now as I re-tell it.

You see, apparently Lady GaGa has become such a diva that she refuses to so much as answer a telephone anymore, instead insisting that someone in her team answer her calls and hold the phone to her ear (not quite what one unfortunate "little monster" was expecting when they joined GaGa's "Haus" I'm sure). GaGa justifies this unnecessary behaviour by saying she is petrified of mobile phones. That's right. It's the radiation you see. Reports (probably in the Daily Mail) have said that the shite emitted by a phone can cause brain tumours, and GaGa is particularly scared of these killer phone rays.

Of course, she has more right to be scared than most phone users, as she goes around dressed like this with a phone on top of her bloody head:

What. A. Bell. End.

5. Repeat after me please, Miss Minogue. "I am not Madonna". "I am not Madonna". "I! Am! Not! Madonna!" (Metro)

Comparing Kylie Minogue and Madonna is lazy journalism and it is lazy gaydom. But I'll tell you what it is, Kylie doesn't do herself any favours, does she? Just as I was getting ready to embrace the fact that Kylie is a pop music gem and her music is as important to gay culture as bitching and poppers, she goes and releases my favourite song off her "quite good" album Aphrodite. I was sooo excited for the video. And then she goes and does this:

That's right, folks. She's vogueing. I'm not sure what's going on this year with people having throwbacks to Madonna in their videos from Christina Aguilera's crawling along the floor like a cat in Not Myself Tonight to Lady GaGa's Vogue-inspired moves in Alejandro but I don't give it long before Rihanna is painting henna on her hands and talking about her new-found spiritualism while Cheryl Cole swishes herself about in a spanish señorita dress. Actually I'd quite like both of those things.

Kylie-- must try harder.

And that's it. Until next week, bitches!

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Fittie Of The Week: Angelina Jolie.

It's been quite a heterosexual week here in the world of Silly Old Daniel, between Makosi washing her gigantic breasts in the shower on Ultimate Big Brother and no fit men getting their kit off, I've been left to contemplate a very drastic lifestyle change. All of this reached fever pitch when I went to see Salt with Anna and Sophie (Angelina's biggest fan, who almost made us miss the film queueing for a gargantuan ice cream which she ended up having two bites of before professing she "felt sick"). This is why, in a controversial move, I have decided to make Angelina Jolie this week's Fittie Of The Week:

Look at that, man. I must admit, after a long period of absence from the limelight I'd started to think that Angelina had lost her sparkle (especially since the emergence of the younger and seemingly more mental Megan Fox). I was wrong. If you haven't seen Salt go and see it, you won't bloody regret it. The film itself is absolute shite but Angelina is so captivating you barely even notice it. Bloody 'ell. Here is the trailer if you don't believe me:

In. Cred. Ibl. E.

(Angelina photo nicked from here, apols)