Monday, 30 August 2010

Big Gay Monday: Simon Curtis.

You're the devil you're a filthy piece of trash...

It's been a while since I've done Big Gay Monday properly, but I wanted to do my bit to promote my new favourite singer in the universe at this moment in time. I forget exactly how I heard about Simon Curtis but I've been looking for his album for an absolute eternity, and I only discovered this week that his album is, in fact, only available for free download via his website. For free. An album. For free. No guilt. I am, indeed, a Hebburn lad so the idea of getting anything for free is simply fantastic but when it's a beautifully made pop album it just sweetens the deal.

The chances are if you're reading this that you're into the same sort of pop-ish electro-ish music that I am, and if this is the case I heartily recommend checking out Simon Curtis. His album is absolutely gorgeous (and, basically, is everything Adam Lambert's next album should be) and has songs that reference robots, Nintendo 64 and Kelly Clarkson. There's plenty here for nostalgists, pop fans and homosexuals alike. Truly, Simon Curtis is the male Robyn except he does everything independently and gives his album away for free. The fact this is going on while Scouting For Girls continue to actually charge people to listen to their godawful music is an absolute injustice.

Baby, grab a hold of the joystick.

This (once) regular feature is called Big Gay Monday so perhaps I should put a gay slant on things just in the interest of consistency. Simon Curtis makes the most delicious electropop music that you will probably have ever heard in your life, mixing the trashiness of Jeffree Star with the sophistication of Darren Hayes. And let's be honest, Simon Curtis is a good-looking guy it would be foolish to pretend that this isn't important. Let's compare sales of Michelle McManus's album to that of Beyoncé. Do you see what I'm getting at? Music is just better when it's made by attractive people (although obviously there are some exceptions).

Just plug the damn thing in already...

There's more, though, in the form of his lyrical content. He has this song which is called Joystick where he talks about a "joystick" but what he really means is that he wants somebody to grab a hold of his erect cock. Brilliant stuff. We can all relate to that, can't we? Especially gays, all they do is grab each other's pasties. Meanwhile, "Super Psycho Love" deals with the unfortunate topic of a love interest you can't bare anymore in an explosion of melodrama. Finally "Diablo", my personal favourite, features lyrics about someone you just can't get enough of, knowing fine well they are evil incarnate. Can any homosexual out there worth his/her/hisher salt honestly say that he/she/heshe has not experienced this at some point??

And so, I will sum up by reminding you to check out this album. If you hate it, it's free and you've lost nothing. And if, like myself, you love it then I'll have someone to talk about it with. Lovely.


Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Fittie Of The Week: Olly Murs.

You there! Olly Murs has a single out at the minute! It's called Please Don't Let Me Go and it's all about not wanting somebody to let you go or something. There is a music video that goes with it where Olly Murs walks around the place wearing some clothes and the other day I saw my friend Matthew wearing the exact same bloody clothes. Bloody hell. This is what Olly Murs looks like when he takes off his top.

Not my usual type admittedly (what with there being evident signs that Olly Murs is passed puberty) but I still definitely would *world is collectively not shocked*

ps. I'm still in Ibiza but I quite cleverly wrote this blog before I went away and scheduled it to post automatically on Wednesday because I am awe-inspiringly clever.

Friday, 20 August 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

In case you didn't realise, it's Friday. Another long week is coming to a close, and we have all weekend to party, forget the problems that have plagued us this week, and reminisce on the past seven days of Celebrity Gossip as re-told by the biggest bitch in the whole North East of England in this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Madonna is 5-fucking-2 and looks better than you ever have or ever will. (Daily Mail)

Reigning Queen.

This week you might have read that Madonna was celebrating her 52nd birthday (I posted a nice blog about it which I think about three people read, you can check that out here). Now I'll be honest with you, folks, even I have started giving up on Madonna recently. Between photos of her looking like an absolute fug and quotes straight from the horse's mouth about her music taking a back-seat while she directs that film no one could give a shit about, it's seemed to me she's almost been accepting that she's no competition for Lady GaGa and might as well pack up and go home. Get a look at this, man, it can plague even the most devout Mo fans with doubt:

Thankfully, Madonna was back on top form this week for her London-based birthday party which was, bizarrely, attended by Billie Piper and Claudia Winkelman. Can you imagine a more odious guest-list for a birthday party? Thankfully, bringing up the rear (how I wish he was bringing up my own rear) Jesus Luz and the gorgeous Lourdes Leon were both in attendance. What had most people talking, however, was Madonna. She. Looked. Stunning:

Of course she's looked better, and of course she doesn't look 21, but this woman is 52 years old and these are untouched paparazzi photos. Just to keep people talking, she also went out with a clutch bag in one hand and a crucifix in the other. Madonna ain't goin' nowhere, folks.

2. At least someone likes Justin Bieber (unfortunately it is the world's biggest bell end). (Perez Hilton)


Justin Bieber said he was "living the dream" this week as he became the only person followed by Kanye West on Twitter. Of course, Kanye was probably just doing damage control after inflicting such trauma onto the teenage community when he humiliated Taylor Swift at the VMAs last year.

It all started when Kanye told El Biebero that he was listening to his song Somebody To Love (a bloody good song, as it happens), which made Young Justin tweet:

"I'm 16 and a fan. I'm kinda hyped you're listening to my stuff. Thank you"

Kanye then suggested they collaborate in the future, which I personally think would be absolutely immense. Let's not forget they're both performing at this year's VMAs, could there be a fabulous Lady GaGa/Elton John or Madonna/Britney/Christina style collaboration lined up for them? (Bieber has previously received admiration from bell ends as diverse as Usher and Katy Perry, which brings up an interesting point-- do you have to be a bell end to support Justin Bieber...? *turns off Somebody To Love*...

3. Someone has pissed Alan Carr right off. (Twitter)

Someone has dared to chat back to the chatty man...

Alan Carr took to his Twitter account this week after being homophobically insulted over the Social Networking site. When @melissajedward (who has since deleted her account) called Alan Carr a "fucking queer dick" on her page, the comedian took it upon himself to post a rebuttal:

Thankfully, despite being rightfully pissed off, Alan still had a sense of humour about the whole thing:

You know what it is, though? I say good on Alan Carr for sticking up for himself when he's got absolute bell ends on Twitter taking the piss out of him (even though it actually emerged that the phantom Tweeter was a 12 year old girl...but if you ask me these kids have to learn at some point that homophobia is not OK and if a barrage of abuse from Alan Carr is the way to get the lesson learned then so be it) because people have this attitude about homophobia that it doesn't exist and therefore it doesn't matter to have a laidback approach to it. No. It's real. It goes on. Of course it does.

The moral of the story? Don't mess with Alan Carr.

4. Amir Khan says what we're all thinking. (The Sun)

Will & Grace 2.0

In a bizarre piece of celebrity news, Amir Khan has shit all over any idea that Cheryl Cole and dancer Derek Hough are romantically involved insisting that they're just friends. Cheryl has been linked to the dancer ever since it was announced that Cheryl was to divorce Ashley Cole, although if you ask me it's wishful thinking on the part of the British journalists who refuse to acknowledge the obvious, ie. Derek Hough is a sausage-jockey.

Anyway, back to Amir Khan, who I probably wouldn't kick out of bed even though he seems like a bit of an idiot. He reckons that he was out for dinner with Cheryl and Derek this week and that they are definitely "not going out". However, he's also got a bit of a dig in claiming that their relationship is actually fake in an attempt to generate publicity and fool the press.

I'm not being funny, but I'm not sure Amir Khan is exactly a trustworthy source. While I'll admit that Cheryl and Derek are probably nothing more than friends- even if Derek isn't gay (which, we might as well be honest, he probably is)- can we really believe the words of a man who slags his house guests off to the press?? This is not exactly the sort of thing people get high marks on Come Dine With Me for doing. If you ask me, inviting a couple over for dinner and drinks and slating them to the press is a bit below the belt DO YOU BLOODY GET IT BECAUSE AMIR KHAN IS A BOXER. Ahem. Yes. Moving on.

5. Everyone I have made a terrible mistake. It turns out Ke$ha is, indeed, a massive bell end. (Holy Moly)

Oh God just bloody stop it you stupid twat.

You know how we all have that friend who no one else in the group likes, but you say "oh, give her a chance, she won't be as bad this time" and everyone else collectively groans and wants to leave them out of the day trip but you say "oh don't be so harsh, she means well" or "she doesn't mean to be so annoying" or something, and then the second you see her you think "oh for fuck's sake how am I meant to defend you when you're going on like that??" That's basically how I feel about Ke$ha at this moment in time.

Since her launch last year with Tik Tok everyone jumped down Ke$ha's throat calling her an attention-seeking faker who chats so much shite that she needs to baby-wipe her chin every time she tells an anecdote (yeah that's right I made a joke about wiping up shite, what of it?) but I defended her and said that people were only hating on her because it was cool to. While I stand by what I said, people weren't giving her a chance and were only being horrible about her because she was an easy target, I do feel like Ke$ha has thrown it all back in my face by going out this week wearing this:

Folks, your eyes aren't deceiving you. The sight you see before you is that of pop singer Ke$ha obscuring her face from prying paparazzi by wearing a tiger mask to hide her identity. Now Ke$ha let's be honest. You are a massive twat, and everybody hates you. By wearing this tiger mask it's as if you are giving yourself some sort of importance, and implying you are sick of press intrusion and sick of seeing yourself in the papers. But, in truth Ke$ha, so are all of we. If you want people to stop making fun of you then you simply have to stop giving them fodder.

On a related note, ever since the frankly not-so-good Blah Blah Blah came out people have been thinking that Ke$ha is a shallow nothing who sings unimportant and unoriginal songs about nothing in particular. Now I don't know who her manager/PR is but if I saw that my client was hated for something, I wouldn't then release a music video embodying everything people already hate her. Unfortunately, in lieu of showing her vulnerable side with a song like Dancing With Tears In My Eyes or Hungover (the most Ryan Tedder cliché song of all time that wasn't even produced by Ryan Tedder and isn't actually about being hungover, it's a metaphor you see) her team have opted to release Take It Off as her next single, which has a video featuring Ke$ha behaving like a total bell end.

Dear Ke$ha,
You are making it very difficult to defend you.
Please stop behaving like a twat.
(Silly Old) Daniel

And that, folks, is the end of another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Fittie Of The Week: Jedward.

Jedward posted this on their Twitter accounts last week:

I'm sure we've all been waiting for this for quite some time. And here it is. There is nothing else to say.

Sunday, 15 August 2010

Big Gay Monday: Madonna.

Happy Birthday, Mo.

Today, as you read this, Madonna is 52 years old. 52, people. The Queen of Pop is 52 years old. I wanted to do something special for her birthday because she is my ultimate idol and my ultimate inspiration. She is fearless, unapologetic and absolutely beautiful. People seem obsessed with the idea that at 52 Madonna is "past it", "too old" and "irrelevant" but this is a woman who has clocked up more Number 1 singles in the past 10 years than Black Eyed Peas, Girls Aloud and Britney Spears. In just the past few years she's been in the studio with Pharrell Williams, David Guetta and Justin Timberlake. She's influenced everyone from Rihanna to Lady GaGa and it's safe to say she's the most important woman in musical history. She's written her own songs from the beginning (allegedly), she's talked candidly about sex since her career began (undoubtedly paving the way for Sex And The City and the female sexual revolution of the 1990s) and she has always been one step ahead of the fashion world.

More importantly than that, though, her music is absolutely incredible. So I can talk on and on about her importance and relevance in the music industry, her achievements and her accolades but at the end of the day she'll, quite rightly, be remembered for the cowboy hat and the leotard. These are my Top Ten Madonna anthems (and let me tell you, narrowing it down to ten was not easy) ...

10. Give It 2 Me (Hard Candy)

Give It 2 Me basically represents everything about where Madonna is in 2010 (OK, it was released in 2008 but even the Queen of Re-Invention can't change that much in two years) and was quite rightly chosen to close the now record-breaking Sticky and Sweet Tour. It's a song about soldiering on even when everyone else has given up. It's a song about not waiting around for what you want. And, finally, it's a song about being carefree and not arsed what people think. It's about waving your arms in the air and having a good time. Lovely.

And that's just it. This video came out and people spilled their guts in the usual way about how Madonna was too old to be wearing the clothes she has on in this video, that she needs to cover it up and start acting her age. But that's the whole point of the song-- Madonna does not give a fuck. "No one's gonna stop me now", she sings. 25 years into her career, if a 50-year-old Madonna wants to put on a pair of knickers and a chiffon top and swish a feather boa over her head I'd say she's earned the right to. And who would bloody dare argue with her anyway?

Best lyric: When the lights go down and there's no one left I can go on and on and on.

9. Justify My Love (The Immaculate Collection)

Anyone with a brain could have worked out between 1983 and 1989 that Madonna liked a good shag. From the word go Maddy has never minced her words when it came to discussing matters of sex. She was an early advocate for safe sex (the original Like A Prayer LP came with a leaflet about AIDS) and once declared "sex is only dirty if you don't have a bath afterwards". However, despite this frankness towards sex, no one was really ready for the Justify My Love video when she sprang it on the world in 1990 to promote her upcoming greatest hits collection The Immaculate Collection.

If we're being honest with ourselves, Justify My Love as a song is not all that. It's basically lots of hypnotic, repetitive beats with Madonna moaning about you giving her a good old-fashioned seeing to over the top. But Justify My Love is all about that, it was one of the first mainstream videos to be banned by MTV for its explicit content which, of course, Madonna used to her advantage by making it the first ever music video available to buy on VHS. More weirdly still, people actually went out and bought it. And why did they do that? Because Madonna looks absolutely hot hot hot in that video. Anyone who says that Madonna is anything short of sex personified in the Justify My Love video has something seriously wrong with them. Hot stuff.

Best lyric: Poor is the man whose pleasure depends on the permission of another.

8. Ray Of Light (Ray Of Light)

If you listen to Ray Of Light and don't immediately feel good about everything then you might need to see some class of a specialist. Ray Of Light is hailed as one of Madonna's most personal albums, but in truth while it is lovely and introspective and all that, it is a bit of a gloomy listen. On an album that starts with the regretful Drowned World/Substitute For Love and ends with the haunting Mer Girl, Ray Of Light is one of the album's few highs. And what a high it is, culminating in total euphoria.

Ray Of Light is also one of my favourite Madonna videos because, while the high-speed background images go well with the fast-paced nature of the song, Madonna herself is singing in real time dressed in simple double-denim (which my lovely friend Messy Carla can tell you more about). One of my favourite Madonna clips ever are the scenes where she's in the night club in the white vest-top generally having a lovely time and doing what she does best, dancing her arse off (plus the club has a light-up dance floor so I like to pretend it was filmed in Powerhouse). Ray Of Light is 5 minutes of pure pop Heaven, and I defy anyone not to fall in love with it.

Best lyric: Quicker than a ray of light I'm flying.

7. Hung Up (Confessions On A Dance Floor)

In the gap between American Life and Confessions On A Dance Floor, I became a devoutMadonna fan and I became an out and proud homosexual. I'm going to be honest and say that the two happened at pretty much the same time, but I can't explicitly remember becoming aware of either of them happening. It was late 2005 the very first time I heard Hung Up and I will literally never, ever forget hearing it. The video needn't have featured Madonna in a bright pink leotard with 70s hair and topless men, a closeup of a Post-It note bearing the message...

Dear Gays,
I've made you something

...would really have sufficed. What I love about Hung Up is that it was the perfect comeback for Madonna following the release of American Life which saw her lose a lot of fans. People were starting to lose faith in Madonna, and some believe she would never get her sparkle back following what was not an easy album to listen to. It seemed she'd become a bitter cynic, and she'd never have another Into The Groove or Deeper And Deeper again. Of course, the critics should have known better than to doubt Madonna. You'd think by that stage of her career they would have learned.

Most importantly, I love Hung Up because it is a glittery, disco mess of a track that goes on about two minutes too long and has an accompanying video of a 47-year-old woman taking off her garish blue tracksuit to reveal an even more garish pink leotard. My favourite part of the video, however, is when Madonna grabs hold of a man who is probably half her age and literally throws him out of the way so she can have his spot dancing on a DanceNation arcade game. What's important to remember is that not six months earlier Madonna had been flung off a horse and during the filming of this video her arm is not actually in the socket. Her arm. Is not. In the socket. This is why Madonna is the Queen, and we are just her subjects.

Best lyric: You'll wake up some day, but it'll be too late.

6. Vogue (The Immaculate Collection)

Vogue has become something of a cliché in Madonna's back catalogue, but I think to appreciate how good it is you have to put yourself back in 1990 when Vogue was given by Madonna as a present to the homosexuals of the world. The 80s were over, and it was basically accepted that if you were gay you had AIDS. If you knew a homosexual you probably had AIDS. If you had AIDS and you weren't a homosexual the chances were a homosexual was to blame. Homosexuals were not a popular people. "Vogue"-ing was an underground dance movement going in gay clubs all over the world. Many have claimed that Madonna stole the idea of "Vogue"-ing and tried to pass it off as her own as a way of exploiting gay people. While I'm not saying this isn't true, it's no secret Madonna has a soft spot for money, but to me making Vogue was Madonna's way of saying "I'm still on your side, I still love you".

Moreover, the message of the song is absolutely amazing. We all love drippy Christina Aguilera bullshit "we are all beautiful in our own way", of course we do, but sometimes what we really want to hear is that we're sexy. That we're stars. It's lovely having inner beauty, of course, but it would be ridiculous to pretend that it isn't lovely to feel like you have outer beauty as well. Vogue is a very special song to me because OH MY GOD HORRENDOUS CLICHÉ ALERT WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST when I listen to it I genuinely feel like Madonna is singing it to me. That if I "get up on the dancefloor" I too can be a "superstar" and if you join me "yes, that's what you are".

The first time I ever went to Powerhouse I was 17 years old and scared I wouldn't fit in. I was with my dear friend Kate and, truthfully, I was nervous. The truth is I've never really felt like I fit in, and was scared that it would be the same at Powerhouse. When the doors opened, Vogue was playing and I got so excited that I ran into the club and, not realising there was a step down onto the dance-floor I've since danced on more times than I could count, I fell over and twisted my ankle. I was in absolute agony. But I got up and I vogued. Because Madonna told me to.

Best lyric: It makes no difference if you're black or white, if you're a boy or a girl, if the music's pumping it will give you new life, you're a superstar.

5. Lucky Star (Madonna)

Lucky Star was Madonna's first mainstream pop video (Pop Fact: The video for Holiday is reportedly so bad that 27 years later it still hasn't seen the light of day). I'd like to show you something. The opening of the Lucky Star video features total silence. And this image:

Madonna is taking off her sunglasses. It takes her six seconds to do so, with no sound whatsoever. And that's it. The very first time you see Madonna, you know straight away she means business. You know straight away everything she's about. And you know straight away she's not someone you're likely to forget in a hurry. I'm not going to go on and on about Lucky Star because overall it's quite a silly song really. It's one of the very few songs (I could be wrong but I believe it might be the only one) Madonna wrote all by herself and it's basically a bubblegum pop love song to someone special.

Lucky Star is, of course, all about image. Madonna, in the Lucky Star video, is someone you literally can not take your eyes off. It's almost as if she's hypnotised you. Of course it's all a bit dated now, but I can't imagine what it must have been like seeing her for the first time as a teenager in the 80s. Madonna was so edgy and so sexy and she was someone you wanted to follow and see what she did next.

It's hard to believe this punky little street princess would eventually turn into the mother of four Queen of Pop we've all grown to love/hate/love-to-hate/hate-to-love. Madonna says she cringes when she watches her old videos and sees the things she used to wear. But I think Madonna should be proud. She inspired an entire movement, an entire generation. With her silly songs and bizarre fashions, she gave misfits a feeling of belonging. The very first time you see her in her first mainstream video you know you're in for a treat. Sound familiar...?

Best lyric: When I'm lost you'll be my guide I just turn around and you're by my side.

4. Don't Tell Me (Music)

Everything about Don't Tell Me shouldn't work. Its lyrics see a middle aged woman declare that her entire world can fall apart as long as her man keeps on loving her. The now-famous choppy guitars provoked many people to take their CDs back to shop, believing their to be a fault with the disc. The accompanying video has Madonna in a leather jacket and a cowboy hat kicking sand around and...line dancing. I'll repeat it, everything about Don't Tell Me should not work. But, of course, it does. Because it's Madonna.

Bizarrely, I don't really have anything more to say on the matter, other than that this song will always remind me of my sister whose Madonna obsession began around the Music era of the early 2000s. She was 14 at the time, and had a poster of Madonna lying in a bail of hay on her bedroom wall and a bejewelled t-shirt with Madonna's name over a cowboy hat on it. Much can be said for the power of Madonna that even in her 40s (as she still was at this time) she still had enough influence to change the fashion of teenagers. Eventually two years ago I sat next to my sister at Wembley Stadium as Madonna took the stage for the first leg of her Sticky and Sweet Tour. I thought of that poster and I thought of that t-shirt, and I thanked God that I had the world's campest mother whose children would both turn out to be Madonna fans.

Best lyric: Take the black off a crow but don't tell me I have to go.

3. Into The Groove (Like A Virgin)

I love Rain and I love Miles Away and I love Crazy For You. Of course, they're lovely little ditties and you can't beat a good Madonna ballad. That said, they pale in comparison to her upbeat songs and they don't come any more upbeat than Into The Groove which is probably my favourite 80s Madonna song. The weird thing is, like Vogue, it was never intended to be a staple Madonna song, it was only really recorded to help promote the upcoming Desperately Seeking Susan film, which is why the video for the song is made up entirely of clips from the film. Many people criticised the film, and said that it wasn't worth seeing because Madonna was only playing herself rather than really using her acting abilities (which she later proved were non-existent), but personally I love the idea that Madonna and Susan are one and alike, because it means that Into The Groove's video is basically a montage of clips of Madonna being Madonna.

My favourite Madonna video clip ever comes at the point in the video where she's dancing in the club with her arms in the air. She looks so endearing and bewitching, I absolutely adore it. Anyone who can watch that clip and not fall in love with Madonna is no friend of mine. Into The Groove, like the aforementioned Give It 2 Me, is not a song that is going to change the world or challenge anyone's ideals. But it is going to make you forget yourself and just fucking dance for four minutes, and is that really such a bad thing? I mentioned earlier in the blog that I saw The Sticky And Sweet Tour and an interesting fact is that no one stood up until Into The Groove came on. It isn't especially hard to see why:

"Get up on your feet, yeah, step to the beat", sang Madonna, and we all obeyed. There was a middle aged woman pole-dancing and skipping on a skipping rope on the stage in front of us with a gang of dancers half her age, how could we protest? Such is the power of Into The Groove. Long after we're all gone, I honestly believe that when Like A Prayer and Erotica have all been forgotten, Into The Groove will still be filling dance-floors the world over.

Best lyric: Only when I'm dancing can I feel this free, at night I lock the doors where no one else can see, I'm tired of dancing here all by myself, tonight I'm gonna dance with someone else.

2. You Must Love Me (Evita - Music From The Motion Picture)

I started to love Madonna when I was 5 years old. To me, though, her name was not Madonna. Her name was Eva Perón. It was a strange period, as my somewhat erratic mother was becoming increasingly obsessed with the film Evita. I remember vividly, I would come home from school and the Evita soundtrack would be playing on a constant loop while my mam made us our tea. We'd all sit down and watch Evita and then the soundtrack would go back on until it was time for bed. I would love to say I was exaggerating, but this was literally the extent of the amount of Madonna I was exposed to at a young age. I literally knew the whole thing off my heart, and still do.

To this day, when I hear my mam sing "Colonel Perón" I know it is time for me to respond "Eva Duarte". When I hear my mam sing "If you were rich or middle class" it is time for me to respond "screw the middle classes, I will never accept them". Between the two of us we could perform the whole thing. And this is where my Madonna obsession began. I truly believe that my mam is the only person in the world who loves Madonna more than I do (just the other day she said that Lady GaGa's Alejandro video was "disgraceful". "For the blasphemy?" I asked. "No, she's totally ripped Madonna off," she said back to me, shocked.)

Mufasa dies in The Lion King and kids cry at a film for the first time. This is generally how it went for the children of the early 1990s. I, of course, was watching the demise and deterioration of Evita Perón every night as I settled in with my family for our daily viewing of Evita. Mufasa can fuck off for all I care, but every time I hear Madonna sing "Where do we go from here?" at the start of You Must Love Me, I get the unsettling feeling in my stomach that something is wrong. And that's because I knew as a kid when I heard that it meant that Evita would be dead soon. You Must Love Me is a very special song to me, and I'm so pleased Madonna performed it on her Sticky And Sweet Tour because it meant last July my mam and I finally got to see Madonna performing the song we'd sang together countless times before.

On a less personal note, it's generally just a bloody good song. Evita, like Madonna herself, is a character who despises weakness and with this song she's finally realising that the man she assumed was only using her for power, popularity or position is staying with her in her hour of darkness, and that he truly does love her as she does him. And finally, to anyone who says that Madonna can't sing, she was vocally trained by Andrew Lloyd Webber who wrote this song specially for her so, frankly, you can suck it.

Best lyric: This isn't where we intended to be.

1. Express Yourself (Like A Prayer)

My personal anthem. Express Yourself started off as a feminism anthem, but over time has developed into something so much more. In fact, when Madonna performs this live she sings "come on boys" as a tribute to her gay fans. Express Yourself is something of a pre-decessor to Independent Woman and Broken Heels. It's about standing up for yourself, and realising that you don't have to be with someone just for the sake of it. It's a song about understanding that you, yourself, are a complete human being who don't rely on other people to make you happy. It's about how if your man isn't willing to "express how he feels" then he can jolly well fuck off.

Express Yourself sums up everything Madonna is about. Like A Prayer was a tough video to follow, but Madonna managed to do it with a music video that was, at the time of its release, the most expensive music video of all time which sees Madonna at the head of a society where women run the show and men are just the buff workers who do press-ups in the rain and wear chains. Of course, it's gained a bit of press recently since Christina Aguilera "paid tribute" to it with her own video for Not Myself Tonight.

If you ask me, if you aren't willing to follow the rules laid out in Express Yourself then you aren't allowed to be a Madonna fan. If you're willing to go for second best, and won't put your love to the test, then you're off the team. Satin sheets are very romantic-- but what happens when you're not in bed? Fancy cars that go very fast-- they never last. Express Yourself teaches us that pussy-men simply will not cut the mustard. Men who are second best-- why bother?

Best lyric: Second best is never enough, you'll do much better, baby, on your own.

And so, you've read my Madonna Top Ten. And this August 16th I invite you to consider your own favourite Madonna moments, I bet there are more than you realise. Even if you aren't a Madonna fan, on this day (the Silly Old Daniel high holy day, when my future children will receive their Christmas presents) I invite you to live by the principles that Madonna puts forward in her music and in her life. If you want something, then bloody well go and get it. If your man is a dick, then you don't need him. Know what's really important. And, of course, love others.

Happy Madonna Day!

Friday, 13 August 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

You there! Would you like to hear about some famous people doing some things you might have heard about already but you may well not have? Seven days have passed since the last Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup and now it is Friday again and it's time for some more, innit...?

1. Britney Spears has gone out with no knickers on. (Perez Hilton)

You probably know that I am as big a Britney Spears fan as you are ever likely to encounter. I love her music, she is a beautiful lady and I would absolutely love to meet her. I think she's inspiring. That said, we can all pretend we live in a world where everyone has good intentions and pure thoughts, or we can all be honest. I'll go first: Britney is far more interesting when there's horrible shit going on in her life.

There are generally symptoms that Britney is going off it, and Britney's issues all stem from control. There aren't many things in Britney's life she actually can control, she sees her kids when the court says it's OK and she goes out when her dad says it's OK. So what does Britney do when she feels she's losing control? She goes out with no undies on...

Well would you look at that, it's Britney's arse hanging out of a shirt/dress. I'll tell you one thing, though. Her legs are looking mint. I would. Seriously, folks, we all love it when Britney is doing well and looking fantastic, but it's white-trash behaviour like this that really fill my heart with BritBrit love.

2. Rod Stewart's spunk is far from redundant. (The Sun)

Do You Think I'm Sexy?

The chances are that unless you are my friend Kate, you probably wouldn't fancy having sex with Rod Stewart. I'll tell you what it is, though, somebody must be up for it because he is about to become a father for the eighth bloody time. Jesus Christ, Rod. If Jeremy Kyle were here he'd tell you to put something on the end of it, so he would!

This week Hot Rod and his gorgeous wife Penny Lancaster announced that she is carrying the 65-year-old's baby. The baby is due this March which will precede Penny's 40th birthday (that woman does not like 40, good for her).

Watch yourselves, though, ladies. It seems that Rod Stewart is the most fertile man since Steve from Big Brother, it's more than likely you can get pregnant by him just by being in the same room. I saw him live in May, as it happens, and I had to treat myself to a ClearBlue afterwards. I'm not saying what the results were, but what I will say is that I have lower back pain and tender nipples...

3. Robbie Williams's bridesmaids are utter dogs. (Hello!)

He's loving Ayda instead...

After a lifetime of shagging nonstop desperate women from Geri Haliwell to Nicole Appleton, someone has finally made an honest man of Robbie Williams as he got married this week.

We all know Robbie isn't really crazy about the media (ironically, the media may be the only thing Robbie is not crazy about because he is seemingly more mental than a box of frogs) so as a little tease to the press, Robbie and bride Ayda Field only publicly acknowledged the ceremony the day before it took place. In fact, to prevent guests spilling the beans to the media, they were told they were attending a James Bond-themed wedding until hours before the ceremony took place. This also meant that no stag do took place, which is probably for the best seeing how Robbie is addicted to everything under the sun, and we there's only two ways to have fun without alcohol, and that's either Scrabble or wanking.

The wedding also contained a rendition of Robbie's hit Angelswhich, truthfully, is bad enough at anyone's wedding but is coated in an extra layer of tack considering it was his own. More unconventionally still, the couple decided to opt out of having a best man (Jonathan Wilkes must have been past himself) or bridesmaids, with Robbie and Ayda's eight dogs preceded the couple down the aisle. The idea of having dogs as bridesmaids had previously been used by Katie Price at her wedding to Peter Andre, where bridesmaids included Kerry Katona and Michelle Heaton...

4. Teri Hatcher is proud of her aging face. (Perez Hilton)

EXCLUSIVE: Click here for the unairbrushed version of this photo...

You might think that Teri Hatcher is famous for having one of the most unmoving faces in all of Hollywood thanks to a certain Vitamin Bo. But she is desperate (get it?) to prove to you that this is not the case.

Teri took to her Facebook page this week (naturally) and posted photos of herself to prove that she was not full of botox. She insists that she's proud of her wrinkles and is no longer a user of Botox, which everyone from Dannii Minogue to Katie Price have admitted dabbling with in the past. Would you like to see aforementioned pictures...?

Lovely. I dunno what people are talking about, anyway. Teri Hatcher is full of facial expression. Let's see her looking shocked:

And perplexed:
And sad:
And angry:

5. Oh, George. (BBC)

Sort it out, mate.

Taxi for George Michael! And I mean that quite literally, because it seems like every time the singer gets behind the wheel all Hell breaks loose. I'm not known for my good driving, speeding around corners in fourth gear and crawling down the streets of Hebburn at 10mph, but it's good to know that I'm not the worst homosexual driver in the UK as George Michael could be facing up to three months in prison for possession of cannabis and driving under the influence.

Come along, though, it's not like he hasn't had his share of warnings, surely it's about time he actually paid the price for putting members of the public at such high risk, after he crashed his car into a branch of camera shop Snappy Snaps (LOL!) last July.

Dear George,

You're making the rest of us look bad. Next time you feel the need to stick a spliff in your mouth, find something else to suck on (but do it in the privacy of your own home, please).

(Silly Old) Daniel xx

George Michael wouldn't be the first celebrity to go to jail for DUI this year, as fellow hot mess Lindsay Lohan previously served a 13-day sentence for driving while absolutely off her face. Maybe the two of them should get together for a coffee, provided the whole thing wouldn't turn into a game of Wacky Races...

And so ends another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup

Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Fittie Of The Week: Jason DeRülo

OK, so I confess I have been seeing someone for some time now. He is gorgeous and talented and he has these songs where at the start he sings his name in a parody-inviting manner. His name is Jason DeRülo* and he has this song called What If which is quite literally out this week, which is why he is topical enough to be Fittie Of The Week (that and the fact he is my boyfriend). I recommend you buy this aforementioned single. I won't be because I already have the album and thus am exempt. Right. Let's look at Jason DeRülo with no top on, then:

*Disclaimer: I am not really seeing Jason DeRülo, this relationship is only going on In My Head DO YOU GET IT BECAUSE THAT IS THE NAME OF THAT SONG WHAT HE HAD.

Friday, 6 August 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

The past 24 hours of my life have been engrossed in sorting out my bloody new iPhone. It is, indeed, a very sexy phone but the truth is it has so far been more faff than it is worth. I am literally on the verge of tears of stress every time I look over at it. To take my mind off it for a while, I have decided that I am going to sum up the past seven days of celebrity gossip for you, aren't I generous? Come on then folks; sit back, relax and enjoy the past seven days of celebrity news as told by the biggest bitch in the North East in the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup *sets off party popper*...

1. Joe McElderry wants your cock. (The Sun)

Welcome to the club, Joe.

The world collectively rolled their eyes this week as Joe McElderry revealed in an interview with The Sun that he was, despite previous declarations to the contrary, a raving homosexual. That's right, your eyes are not deceiving you, Joe McElderry is a homosexual. The Sun decided to make this their front page story earlier in the week, which I found more than slightly distasteful (especially since this was not exactly a hard-hitting story). Let's see what people on Twitter thought about this core-shaking news:

OK, let's settle this, bell ends. Joe McElderry did not leap out of the closet and shout "surprise!" Joe didn't reveal this about himself as a way of shocking us. This was his way of confirming what people had been suspecting about for a while, and if he hadn't he would still be a laughing stock for saying he was straight. I've been through all this before almost 6 months ago when Ricky Martin came out of the closet and rather than being praised the world showed its ugly side, and it seems that people have learned nothing since then, so I'm going to have to repeat myself to get the message through to everyone.

Just because someone is "flamboyant" or has "feminine" qualities does not mean that they have been on any less of a journey of self-discovery when they come out of the closet. It doesn't mean they want to be gay any more than the boy on the football team who cuts himself because he gets hard in the locker rooms, you know what I mean? So, yes, perhaps it is quite obvious that Joe McElderry is gay. But that doesn't mean that it has always been obvious to Joe. It's sad but true, but I think Popjustice said it best:

You might think Joe is ridiculous, but hundreds of young boys are now going to look up to him, see him being himself and think "I'm OK with who I am now", which may sound completely absurd and over-the-top but I will remind you of the comfort I received watching "screaming queen" Marco Sabba on the fifth series of Big Brother. And so, while hundreds smugly point their finger and say "I knew all along", I will merely say Congratuluations to a brave, local lad. This one, Joe, is for you:


2. Is Alex Reid chucking the towel in? (Digital Spy)

Post-collagen, Alex didn't even have to be in the same room as Katie to kiss her...

I'm not one to revel in the suffering of another human being (ha!) but things aren't looking good for Katie Price are they? Her single stalled at Number 60, her ex-husband Peter Andre's ITV2 documentary is proving successful and now, if reports are to be believed, her current squeeze Alex Reid has had enough of her! It seems Katie Price's world is collapsing around her!

According to reports, Alex is sick sick sick of Katie blaming everything on him, from her disastrous attempts at a music career to the fact she isn't pregnant yet (of course, Katie Price is such an idiot she's probably forgotten to stop using birth control). Supposedly, she's also making him feel very insecure about his weight by calling him fat and insisting "you've got bigger tits than me". This is ironic, seeing as how Katie Price is the biggest tit in the world, but whatever. Alex Reid is far from fat. Because I'm a pervert, let's see just how far from fat he actually is:

Lovely. Reportedly, Alex is insisting the couple go to marriage counselling, which is a shame because they've only been married about 10 minutes. Personally I can't think of anything worse than discussing your private matters with a total stranger, but seeing as how we've all seen every inch of Katie Price (and I mean literally, Dane Bowers' foot and all) I don't think she has the reservations or privacy issues that most of us would have. Sort it out, Pricey, your kids won't know whether they're coming or going before long!

3. Lindsay is out of prison (and into rehab). (Perez Hilton)

Orange is definitely your colour.

Despite being sentenced to 90 days in prison, Lindsay Lohan was released on Monday morning after spending just 13 days behind bars. It's not all parties and red carpets for Lindsay now, though, as she's straight into a rehabilitation centre for the next 90 days.

Thing is though, we all thought Lindsay was a raging alcoholic but it turns out that in the Morningside Recovery treatment centre (does it want to be any more American? It might as well be called the Ned Flanders Put-Those-Drugs-Down-You-Silly-Billy Centre) Lindsay is actually being treated for bipolar disorder and addiction to crystal meth.

If you ask me, when Lindsay gets out she should seek out and befriend fellow bipolar-sufferer Kerry Katona. The thing is, though, would they get their highs and lows at opposite times to one another in a see-saw effect, or would it be like when girls spend loads of time together and their menstrual cycles sync up? What a distasteful thought.

Get well soon, Lindsay!

4. Lady GaGa is chatting some shite as usual. (Heatworld)

She's beautiful and dirty rich

It's been a while since we've heard Lady GaGa in her trademark unusual/pretentious/fucking mental/bullshit (delete as applicable) fashion but this week she gave us a doozie. When asked about her romantic life, GaGa insisted that she wasn't going to let her sex life stand in the way of her career.

This would, of course, be a perfectly acceptable comment to make had she just said it like a normal person. However, GaGa chose to phrase it somewhat differently, stating: "If I sleep with someone they're going to take my creativity from me through my vagina". This is, of course, one very important point in favour of abstinence. Forget STIs and forget unwanted pregnancy, this is what you really want to worry about, folks.

What ended up not in the original article was GaGa saying: "Through my vagina. Because I have a vagina, you know. A. VA. GI. NA. Don't even try and say otherwise, because I have a vagina. Not a penis. Nope. No penis on me".

Tragically, though, GaGa did go on to say that she doesn't really get the time to meet anyone, and is currently celibate because of her hectic work schedule, also stating that their have been "bad romances" in her past (don't blame me for that awful pun, she's the one who said it). She probably then talked for a further 15 minutes about her vagina because SHE HAS A VAGINA, YOU KNOW. AND NOT A PENIS.

5. The video for the best song of 2010 has arrived. (OK!)

Sort your hair out, love.

If you haven't heard the new Eminem and Rihanna song Love The Way You Lie then let me tell you, you are truly missing out. It is amazing. The video was released last bloody night and it's so bloody good I could die. It's basically everything I thought it would be except it has Megan Fox and Domonic Monoghan (everyone's favourite Hobbit/Britpop junkie) playing the characters in the song because it would be somewhat distasteful for Rihanna to play a domestically abused woman.

I can describe it till the cows come home WHICH THEY NEVER WILL AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO THEM but you might as well just watch it for yourself:


1. Rihanna still has that minging red hair, and this song is so good it will stay with her for her entire career and she will see that hair in years to come and cringe cringe cringe. Poor lass.
2. I really want to have sex with Eminem. A lot.
3. I really want to have sex with Rihanna. A lot.
4. I really want to have sex with Megan Fox. A lot.
5. I used to quite fancy Domonic Monoghan on Lost but truthfully he needs some hair to be good-looking if you ask me. Of course, I still would.
6. Clearly the best part of the video comes 9 seconds in when Rihanna pulls this face:

7. I like the fact they all catch fire except Rihanna, who should never be lit on fire.
8. They both sound so into it, don't they? It's times like this when you realise it doesn't really matter who wrote the song, no one could sound more passionate or more right for that song than Rihanna.
9. How believable are Domonic and Megan, man??? Eeeeh for fuck's sake.
10. I like the bow she has in her hair in the end. Girlie.
11. Once more for good measure, I really really want to have sex with Rihanna.

And so ends yet another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup