Monday, 31 May 2010

Big Gay Monday: Sex and the City

"I couldn't help but wonder..."

We all know how the Bible goes, there are four gospels and they are centuries old. Jesus was born, did some mint things (maybe) and was then killed. And then he came back to life. And then he died again. You can read it for yourself, people have been worshiping it for more than a millennium now. The story is complete. But some people don't follow the Bible. Some people follow, for example, Sex and the City the greatest television phenomenon that has ever been or ever will be. Similar to the Bible, the stories have been swapped among single women and gay men for almost a decade now. People have used lessons they've learned in the series in their everyday lives. And who hasn't sat around before and assigned all their friends to the four main characters (I, for example, am obviously a Carrie. Carla and Sophie are both a Miranda. Catherine fancies herself as a Samantha but she is really a Charlotte. I could literally do this for hours)?

But what would happen if they unearthed a new chapter of the Bible that continued the story on? You can guarantee that Christians would not be celebrating more tales of their beloved Jesus, they'd be shitting themselves in case they unearthed tales like "The Parable of the Happy-Slapping Messiah" or "Jesus and Mary Make A Porno". Their entire belief system would be shattered. It wouldn't matter that so much of the good stuff in the Bible was there to be enjoyed still, when they read it back all they'd be able to think about would be the shitty ending. I was in a similar position myself as I started getting ready to go and see the Sex And The City 2 at the cinema this evening. If this film was shit I literally do not know what I would have done. My first instinct would have been a killing spree, let me tell you. However, since the film was not, as reviews suggest, a pile of utter bollocks, let's take a moment and look back at why Sex And The City is such an important part of gay culture.

"I'm a trysexual, I'll try anything once"- Samantha Jones.

As the millenium approached, people were experimenting more than ever with their sexualities. Threesomes, bisexuality and women taking control of their sexualities (such as in the series pilot which sees Carrie trying out no-strings, casual sex and "having sex like a man") were all coming into the mainstream for the first time, after a long period of going on behind closed doors and in the imaginations of the more repressed in society. Sex and the City came along at the right time and was adored by gay men because for the first time ever here was a TV show that not only portrayed but practically encouraged sexual liberation. Into the mainstream there was finally a series showing four women being adventurous with their sex lives.

Stanford: I just don't have that gay look
Carrie: I dunno, you look pretty gay to me

While the series concentrated on four single, heterosexual women there was also a look through the key-hole of the New York gay scene in the form of Carrie's best friend Stanford Blatch who represents "the outcast among the outcasts" who didn't really fit the gay look. Rather than resorting to gimmicks and stereotypes with Stanford, the producers of Sex And The City instead put forward a realistic gay character practically exiled from the gay scene for not fitting the gay mould. Stanford is even occasionally given his own storylines, where he is seen trying out Internet chat rooms as a way of meeting men, eventually getting into a monogamous relationship with a Broadway dancer and marrying Anthony Marentino, originally intended to be his gay foil who he locked horns with, in the second film.

It's not just the sex, though. I must admit the fashion of Sex And The City is not what draws me in, but for many gay fans seeing what Carrie was going to be wearing next was as important as seeing who Samantha was going to be shagging, or who Miranda was going to be uninterestingly bitchy to. Carrie claims to have spent $40,000 on shoes and uses her oven "for storage", a life of luxury that has kept wide-eyed gays glued to the series since it started 12 years ago (she even once handed over her bag willingly to a mugger but was horrified when he asked for her strappy sandals).

The cast of Sex And The City have all used their powerful position within the gay community to do good for man-on-man-kind, and have spoken out in support of gay marriage and equality for same-sex relationships:

And so, let us thank Madonna in Heaven for Sex And The City, the greatest thing to ever grace the small (and, indeed, big) screen of all time. Oh and ignore the reviews, the second film is absolutely incredible. The reviewers panning it are all straight men whose idea of a good time is putting their penis inside of a vagina-- what does that tell you?

Saturday, 29 May 2010

Type Casting.

We are guilty at some point or another for turning down someone who is not our "type". But what does that even mean? How many of us could actually describe the person they are currently with, or anyone they have been in love with in the past, as being their "type?" How many people could actually say they could take a pen and write down the traits of someone who was their "type"? I think more people would be able to point someone out who was not their "type" than someone was. And this is the sort of overshadowing negativity we all have when we're looking for people.

But what happens when we wander from the cookie-cutter men we've restricted ourselves to? Does it mean we're not sticking to our principles and settling; or is it a good thing to be adventurous and allow ourselves to fall for someone we might not have expected? Perhaps the only reason we limit ourselves to men who are our "type" is to stop ourselves being adventurous and trying something different. Perhaps we all just have a fear of the unknown.

Besides, so far in life, sticking to guys who are not my "type" has been nothing short of unsuccessful. Up until now the guys I've dated who've been my "type" have either turned out to be liars, utter dickheads or, you know, heterosexuals. On the other hand, my best friend has just got into a new relationship with someone she first described to me as not her "type", but she was drawn to him anyway; and she is totally smitten. AND LOOK AT BLOODY CHARLOTTE AND HARRY:

I'll tell you what it is, folks. I have met someone who I think I could really like, but he is not someone I would have classed as my "type" at all. It's weird, I can totally see myself with him and yet if I'd known it before I met him I wouldn't have believed it. Thing is, though, he's adorable. He is so sweet and very cute and, fair enough I have not known him a week yet, but he makes me smile and at the end of the day, what is more important than that? Plus after the utter twats I've lumbered myself with in recent history, I think I'm due something a bit differently. Sticking to my "type" hasn't exactly done well for me in the past, so perhaps I should just, to quote Wicked "trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap".

I was considering ending it all before it had even begun last night, if I am honest with you. How good could it get with someone who wasn't my "type", after all? But then I realised, I like him. I actually like someone. Surely knowing in my heart of hearts that I like someone is stronger than all the "not my type" bullshit floating around? And not longer after this realisation, I also got this text:

"Maybe I could make you happy".

Can't say fairer than that.

Friday, 28 May 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Would you like to read some words that relate to famous people? Would you??? Well you're in luck, because it is time for some Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

1. Sarah Ferguson is an idiot. (Hello)


It's no secret that Sarah Ferguson, while she was quite looked up to and respected in her day, but in these tricky celebrity times of 2010 that we live in she is seen as nothing short of a hot mess (I hope never to run into Princess Eugenie out and about in Newcastle...) who would probably flash you her tit for a fiver (only one, though, she is a lady).

Either way in what can only be described as arse-clenchingly embarrassing, Fergie (not not that one, no not that one either) was captured on video by News Of The World journalists accepting half a million pounds to grant them access to her ex-husband Prince Andrew. I think she's been a bad, bad girl, GaGa! Let's have a look, shall we?

Oh my!

2. Lady GaGa is an idiot. (Us)

You've been a very, very bad, bad girl.

If we are especially close, you probably know that I've gone right off Lady GaGa as of late. Not so much her, actually, just the fans who think that the sun shines out of her perfect, perfect arse. If one more person on Twitter accuses me of not being a genuine GaGa fan I will swing for them.

One thing I not agree with, though, is when people start making ridiculous claims just to raise eyebrows when they know fine well that millions of teenage girls would jump off a bridge just because their idol told them to. Fair enough, as Adam Lambert said "I'm not a babysitter", but conversely he is not half as successful as GaGa.

Anyway, in an interview this week about drugs GaGa said that while for the minute she is totally clean, no doubt due to the never ending Monster Ball Tour, "a little MDMA once in a while never killed anybody". Now that is all well and good, GaGa, but you're actually quite wrong there. This girl died after taking Ecstasy. So did she. So perhaps you should really think before you start shooting your mouth off, you daft bint.

3. Is Justin Bieber an idiot? (Female First)

Eeeh Justin Bieber, man. Amazing.

Regular readers of the blog will know that I have an increasing (platonic) fondness for Justin Bieber. I think he is absolutely mint. Therefore I am hoping that these stories are merely false reports used by online gossip sites to draw in readership. But if these reports are to be believed then Justin Bieber is an actual royal dickhead.

This week it was revealed that in Australia, a floor manager was showing him where to stand when he performed on the breakfast TV show Sunrise when Bieber turned around to him and said "don't ever fucking touch me again". How unfriendly from someone I think always seems like a sound lad. A bloody sound lad. What a disappointment.

It doesn't stop there, though, folks! The bell-end-esque behaviour of El Biebero continued when at the Radio 1 Big Weekend when Fearne Cotton, who is admittedly a massive bell-end herself, asked him a question about his much discussed tattoo to which Justin stormed off! What a little diva! However, in his defence, his manager has already banned journalists from asking about it because it's something personal between he and his father, so really Fearne Cotton should just do her research.

Still, though! More nice stories about Justin Bieber please, world of journalism!


4. Christina Aguilera tries to stop you thinking she is an idiot, but it is too bloody late. (Digital Spy)

Close your eyes and repeat: "I am not Madonna...I am not Madonna".

Christina Aguilera is a very talented lady, and she's getting a pretty rough ride from people like Perez Hilton at the minute so I will keep this short and sweet. A few weeks ago I wrote about the new Christina Aguilera video which was essentially a montage of about four different Madonna videos.

X-Tina, meanwhile, kept schtum about the whole thing in an act of what can only be described as burying her head in the sand hoping it would all go away and people would think she was groundbreaking again. It didn't, and they don't. So she decided to take matters into her own hands and claim that the clip is an homage to Madonna's Express Yourself video. This would have been a brilliant thing to do, for example, a few days after the video was released. But almost a month has passed now, bitch. The damage is done.



5. This story has nothing to do with being an idiot if we're honest. (The Mirror)

Madonna's vagina lands her in trouble. Not for the first time and certainly not the last.

It may be more than 25 years old, but Madonna's Like A Virgin video is still making headlines. You may remember Like A Virgin it's a song about fucking someone who's so good it makes you forget all the crap people who've come (literally) before. It was very ironic that Madonna should have released it, because by that point in her career she'd shagged so many people in the music industry there was no chance of anyone making her feel "like a virgin". They probably didn't even touch the sides anymore. They certainly don't nowadays.

Anyway, you'd be forgiven for thinking otherwise when she's wearing that lovely, clean dress but Madonna was actually on the blob when she filmed the video for Like A Virgin. Flow was in town. She was on the rag. Her uterus lining was bleeding out of her vagina. It turned out this was pretty dangerous, because she was dealing with a live lion in the video and what producers at the time did not realise was that lions can detect...menses. And so, to cut a long story short, Madonna was nearly eaten by a live lion during the filming of the Like A Virgin video all because she was on her period.

If that is not the greatest sentence I have ever typed on this blog then I don't know what is.

And so ends the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup!

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

Unfamiliar territory.

My Year 1 bitches and I.

Folks, something unbelievable has happened. My essays are all handed in, my assignments are all complete, my exams have all been done, my library books have all been returned. I am officially finished my first year of University! I am free of education until, basically, October. This is four months worth of dossing about, for those of you who are not so quick with the Mathematics. To celebrate my new-found freedom I have, strangely, been out four times this week. I'm not saying this in a ZOMMG I AM WILD I HAD A VODKA AND COKE AND LISTENED TO KE$HA THE ENTIRE TIME AND MY MAM HAD TO COME AND PICK ME UP AT HALF ELEVEN COS I COULDN'T STAND UP ANYMORE manner, I am merely pointing out this is very out of character as I normally get the world's worst hangovers that stop me from doing, like, anything the day after a night out. However, I had a lot to celebrate because my deadlines were all passed, and Rihanna was very good on Monday night and I had to take Carla out for her 21st on Wednesday night (a week late because that's how good a friend I am).

And now I'd like to take this time to have a chat about texting people the day after you pull them. It's a practice I'm very fond of if I am honest with you, what with 2010 being the year where if I am not in a relationship by the end of it I am going to join a monastery where ironically I will probably get more action than I do at the moment (of course, this would not be difficult *gestures to empty bed*). On Tuesday night I had a conversation with a guy. This is not something I am used to. Normally I'm not big on chatting or finding out first names or anything like that, but I was in a strangely confident mood. I ended up talking to him until what Gwen Stefani would describe as, in her hit single of the same name, 4 In The Morning. I then, in my strangely confident and generally quite drunken mood, got this guy's number and was shocked when I got a reply to the text I sent him when I got home. Whatever. I went to sleep. And that was that.

But that was not that, folks. No it was not. Because he also texted me the next day. Suddenly I was in unfamiliar territory. I had become so used to only getting attention from total pigs that I didn't know how to react to somebody with actual manners. I was so accustomed to gay men behaving like complete arseholes that the notion of somebody actually replying to a text confused and disorientated me. It's annoying though, why would you give someone something as personal as your phone number if you had no intention of ever speaking to them again? If I had just pulled someone I knew deep down was not my type (not that this sort of thing would ever happen *cough*) I would never in a million years give them my phone number, I would make up a polite lie and leave them to get on with their life. Jesus.

Conversely, though, when does texting someone you are interested in develop into hounding them? For me it's a fine line that so far in my 19 years I have never been able to stop myself from crossing. And I have no idea why because I genuinely am not that needy a person, I consider myself more as someone who is more into attention than validation from men. I'm very happy being by myself, it means I can go for cocktails wearing trainers with Carla in the middle of the week and nobody will nag at me, but sometimes when I'm bored I like having a man to text. And when he doesn't text back I like to text him again. As I always say I am not somebody who is bound by the dating "Rules". I thought that breaking what can only be described as the only biblical dating rule made me exempt from all of the "no sex before a third date", "no texting until they text you back" bullshit, but apparently not.

Apologies that this is blog is a bit of a mess, I am slightly rusty I haven't done a proper blog in absolutely forever. Good luck to everyone doing Uni exams over the next few weeks. Hurry up and finish them so I can see you soon though, yeah?

Friday, 21 May 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Celebrities are always doing things. Things over here. And things over there. The past seven days have been no exception. Famous people have been doing things left, right and centre. Here are just a selection of those things in the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Kelis needs to get her head out of her own arse. (Rap-Up)

Her milkshake brings a few boys to the yard. The rest are at the Monster Ball.

"What on Earth is this?" my mam asked me. We were watching the video for the new Kelis song, her comeback single Acapella. Good song, shit video. "She's no Lady GaGa, is she?" was her next comment when she saw the extravagant outfits Kelis was wearing in the clip. And it was true, she did not look as good as Lady GaGa, or the amazing Rihanna for that matter. She just looked like Kelis in a dodgy outfit.

Bizarrely, though, Kelis reckons that it is Lady GaGa and Rihanna copying off her rather than the other way around. "I tried not to see it, but it's noticeable," Kelis told journalists this week, "I've been around for a long time...what else are they supposed to do?" Is she for real? She thinks that GaGa and RiRi are copying off her and is now giving them her blessing?? I think that Lady GaGa has accomplished more in her two year career than Kelis has in the last decade.

The most shocking thing of all though is the sheer hypocrisy of the whole thing, because Kelis's Acapella smacks completely of Björk's Earth Intruders doesn't it?:

In short, hush up.

2. Twitter is sick of Justin Bieber. Silly Old Daniel loves him more and more each day. (Twitter)

If you ask me, Justin Bieber is sound. He is as sound as a pound.

When you go on Twitter, Justin Bieber is usually near the top of the Trending Topics. This is because thousands upon thousands of teenage girls are in love with him. They are constantly talking about him. And people are getting sick of it. There have already been attempts to keep Justin Bieber from the Trending Topics list by, basically, calling him a faggot. Twitter are heeding people's complaints and now have new Trending Topic rules and filters...which mean that Justin is no longer eligible to trend:

Luckily for him, his fans are fucking crazy very loyal and have found ways to slip through the cracks because, while "Justin" and "Bieber" now show up a red flag for trending topics down at Twitter HQ, "Bustin" and Jieber" do not:

And so, the moral of the story is: do not mess with Bieber fans. They'll scratch the eyes out of your head.


3. Adam Lambert has unimpressive shoes, but makes up for it with a very impressive bulge. (Just Jared)

A jewish homosexual: Adam Lambert is Will and Grace combined.

The Adam Lambert UK trail is...well it's not going very well, is it? His single peaked at Number 37 in the UK Singles Chart, despite an interview on Jonathan Ross where he managed not to look like a dickhead. Let's keep in mind though that in the world of underground homosexuals, Adam Lambert is still a popular guy, and this week he was filming the video for his new single If I Had You produced by Max Martin who has basically written every good pre-GaGa pop song of the last ten years. Unfortunately, he's still embracing the 70s glam look and wearing some horrific platform shoes in the video:

Thankfully, one's eyes are immediately diverted away from the shoes as they move their vision upwards and set their gaze upon his crotch. What an impressive bulge. Fantastic.

4. Rachel Stevens needs to put something on the end of it. (Digital Spy)

Here lies the career of the most under-rated singer of the 00s.

You probably don't like or appreciate Rachel Stevens as much as I do. But this year was meant to be her comeback to pop music. Xenomania were meant to rescue her from obscurity and fill in the void Girls Aloud may never fill again. But no. It was announced this week that Rachel Stevens is pregnant.

When first I read this news I was disappointed. For me this meant the end for Rachel Stevens as we know her. It has been, like, six years since she had an album out and her album is really very good. But then I remembered, she will have that baby and get a full spread in OK! magazine. People will like her again. Let's not forget that when Sophie Ellis-Bextor and Britney Spears had babies, they came back with Catch You and Gimme More respectively, and neither of those songs are shit. So maybe having a baby could be the best thing that ever happened to Rachel's career.

And for those of you reading this and thinking that Rachel Stevens doesn't matter, I implore you to watch this video of her mucking about in the Bad Girls prison and not be totally won over:


5. The last ever Big Brother eye is here. (The Sun)


It's just under a month until the last ever series of Big Brother is upon us. I bloody love Big Brother. It is incredible. I will throw up my hands and say that in recent years it has become the human freak show, full of oddballs and lasses with big tits trying to achieve their lifelong dream of someone seeing their picture in Zoo magazine and ending up with the pages stuck together.

But Big Brother started it all. Without Big Brother there would be no reality TV. You can be pious and shake your head and think to yourself "would that really be such a bad thing?", but you know as well as I do that reality TV has shaped our great nation for the past 10 years. And Channel 4 revealed the last ever Big Brother eye today, and I have to say that it is bloody hideous. I'm hoping that when it is fully animated it will not be quite so garish. They've also started airing teaser trailers such as this work of art:

How can anyone watch that and not look forward to a Summer full of nutjobs, pretentious art students, flamboyant gay men, orange girls with fake tits, confused ex-asylum seekers and sexually ambiguous weirdos? You can call Big Brother a tired format, say it's had its day, say that it has tainted our society and put wrong ideas of celebrity into the minds of people who are too fragile to handle it. But today as I look at the last ever Big Brother eye I am proud to throw up my hands, as a Big Brother fan, and say BIG BROTHER I WILL MISS YOU!

And that ends today's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup

Monday, 17 May 2010

Big Gay Monday: The Bank Bar.

"I'll see how many people believe we're a straight couple".

The song goes that sometimes you just want to go where everybody knows your name. Admittedly, sometimes where you really want is to go where a six foot drag queen not only knows your name, put will put an obscure Madonna song on for you without you even needing to ask for it. Ladies and gentlemen...The Bank Bar.

Catherine and I performing Overprotected and showing the world why Britney chooses to lipsync.

The Bank Bar has very slowly become my favourite destination on the Newcastle gay scene. I first went to the Bank Bar when I was 15 (naughty) with the gorgeous Sarah-May who eventually became queen of the gay scene (in more ways than one!) before fucking off to York and leaving a void. A VOID. Anyway, The Bank is just the most deliciously camp and gorgeously trashy place you could possibly imagine. For them among you what ain't never been, it is essentially a crash course in what it is to be gay in 2010 in the North East (it is that specific). They play Lady GaGa and then they play Abba. They have boxes full of free condoms, they also have a portrait of Bet Lynch on the wall. It's a mixed bag.

Myself and Carla performing Not Fair and showing the world why Lily Allen has chosen to leave the industry.

If you are sick down yourself in The Bank then a friendly stranger will lend you their shirt. If you take a pretty girl into The Bank (which, of course, I always do. I have a harem of the finest specimens the North East has to offer) then the chances are a topless man selling you shots will give you one for free. If you have a nice arse in The Bank then a middle aged man will reach out and grab it. It is the most delicious place in the world. You can be shaking your arse to Rihanna one minute and the next you're weeping into your vodka as a transvestite murders My Heart Will Go On on the Monday night karaoke.

Need I say more, really? Karaoke! Drag queens! Boys with no tops on! This is what life is about, people!!

(OK, another lazy Big Gay Monday I know but I'm going to The Bank tonight after Rihanna (ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod) so it is in my mind already. That clears that up.)

Friday, 14 May 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

It's Friday, folks! And another seven days' worth of celebrity gossip is just waiting to have the piss ripped out of it in the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup (as a special treat at the request of a certain Miss Gatens, this entire blog contains no reference to Lady GaGa, apart from just mentioning her there)...

1. Jedward need to stop hounding Adam Lambert. (Twitter)

Be honest. You would.

This week over Twitter, Jedward started what can only be described as a stalking tirade against Adam Lambert. It all started when the Attitude Anniversary Party took place, which was essentially a wet dream for Z-list celebrities everywhere. Anyone who's not anyone was there; Louie Spence, Paloma Faith and Lee Ryan were all there. Basically, anyone likely to appear on a new series of The Charlotte Church Show. Either way Adam Lambert and Jedward were both there so they got a photo together. This is what famous people do at parties, they get photos together. Lovely.

You'd think that would be that, wouldn't you? But no. Not for Jedward. The most persistent Tweeters since, well, since I got Twitter really. Unfortunately for Adam Lambert, this sort of thing started:
Nice. What? There's more? Oh well, let's have a look.

Oh right. Anything else?

Oh. Well I suppose you're done now..?

Oh. You're not. This has to stop. Speaking of Jedward and Twitter, one of them posted a nipple shot on Twitter this week. They then re-linked the picture at three separate occasions over the course of the week. I don't know which one of them it is but let's have a look, shall we?

Well, I now have what I believe is called a "semi". What's next, eh?

2. Rihanna fell over this week so she went out and got pissed. Good on her. (Holy Moly)

Shut Up And Drink.

We've all tumbled over when we're on our own, haven't we? You pick yourself up, dust yourself off and pray no one saw. Unfortunately when you're Rihanna you don't really have a choice on whether or not anyone saw you, because you're doing it in an arena full of people with camera phones. Let's watch, shall we?

Unfortunately for Rihanna, that wasn't her only fall this week. Let's continue to watch, shall we?

What a daft bitch. Hope she isn't bruised, she's had quite enough o--(EXCEPT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT FUNNY SO THAT JOKE ENDS THERE, DOESN'T IT?) So anyway, while she's on tour, Rihanna is letting her (fabulous) hair down and getting absolute off her box at the best clubs the UK has to offer.

Look at that! Her rum has its own seat in the car! Brilliant. I pray that Rihanna going out after all of her concerts means I'll be seeing her at Powerhouse on Monday night. Secretly, though, I hope the exact opposite because if I actually met Rihanna after her concert I would probably shit myself to death through excitement and there is literally nothing glamorous about that. MOVING ON...

3. Cosmopolitan pick a girl off the street for their next cover. (Facebook)

Everyone's fourth favourite member of Girls Aloud (fuck you, Nadine!)

OK, she's not quite a girl off the street she's Kimberley Walsh, you know, the one off Girls Aloud who doesn't smell of sick (EXCEPT THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT EATING DISORDERS AND THIS BLOG SO FAR HAS BEEN UTTERLY TASTELESS). Seriously though, folks-- Kimberley Walsh?? Was every other woman and effeminate-looking man in the world busy or something?

Within the interview Kimberley revealed in the interview that she has drifted apart from bandmate Nadine Coyle since her move to LA (decoded: I will mention Nadine Coyle and be in the papers) but is still close friends with Cheryl Cole (decoded: I will mention Cheryl Cole and be in the papers). She also revealed that her year out from Girls Aloud has been great as she has been able "to do my own thing". Exactly what "her own thing" is is not made clear in the interview, although one can assume that Kimberley's washing will not do itself, and if that's what she wants to describe as doing her own thing then good on her.

4. M.I.A. continues to shoot her mouth off. (NME)


I'm a little surprised to be mentioning M.I.A. again, but she has been slagging my boy Justin Bieber off this week and I really do not care for that at all. Now then, Justin Bieber is not for everybody. His voice makes him sound a lot like, you know, a woman and some people don't like to listen to men who sound like women. They'd rather know explicitly the gender of the singer they're listening to without having to rely on a music video to let them know. I cannot fault these people, they are entitled to their opinion. Apparently M.I.A. is one of these people.

You may remember the last time I was slagging M.I.A. off, it was in response to an unprovoked laying into of Lady GaGa (I mentioned her once, Gatens, it is allowed :p) she did in an interview with NME magazine which I found unfairly critical. And it seems that she has not yet learned to shut her trap. When asked about her recent controversial music video, which features frontal nudity, drug abuse and a ten-year-old boy being shot point blank in the head she said, because she is so witty it genuinely hurts, "I find the new Justin Bieber video more violent and more of an assault to my eyes and senses than what I've made".

Now, if you read over recent entries from this blog you'd be forgiven for thinking that I fucking hated M.I.A. and bloody loved Justin Bieber. In actual fact, I couldn't give a shite about either of them. It just seems to me that when a 34-year-old mother who should really know better is bitching about a 16-year-old boy who got lucky and calling him "an assault to her senses", someone should really say something. May I also add she was not asked "What do you think of Justin Bieber?" She was not asked "What do you think of the pop music scene at the moment?" She was not asked "What do you think of the tween music genre?" She was asked about her own video, which she took as a cue to have a go at someone else. Well done M.I.A. That was both big and, indeed, clever.

Now, this is all rather awkward, because I now have to get off my "it's not nice to slag people off" high horse and say:

5. Kylie Minogue is starting to look like a balloon stretched over a clenched fist. (Metro)

Put it away, pet. You are not Madonna by any stretch of the imagination.

Fathers of gay teenagers everywhere (and by everywhere I mean the UK and Australia) can breathe a sigh of relief, Kylie Minogue has her arse out in her new video.

She was caught on camera filming the clip for her new single All The Lovers which was released to radio today (right, I'm writing this on Thursday night if I'm honest so if you want to hear it you can bloody well find it on YouTube yourself, I've already shown you Rihanna falling on her arse twice, what more do you want from me), but aside from her racy outfit something else was brought to the media's attention from the photos.

From the looks of things, it seems that Kylie has been raiding her sister's medicine cabinet for a certain syringe-induced toxin-- shall we have a closer look?

It's happened, folks. Princess Kylie has been stuffing her face with botox. Unfortunately I posted this immediately after slagging M.I.A. off for being unnecessarily cruel, so I'm now going to have to remind everyone that I really like The One and I really like Love At First Sight and Come Into My World is canny good as well. There, enough of that. I'm happy to see Kylie filling her face with chemicals because she's constantly thought of as this beautiful, dainty woman who cannot do anything wrong even though more often than not she's dressed like a slag singing some little ditty that would be just as powerful were it being performed by Rachel Stevens. So yes. Kylie Minogue is less than perfect. Why does glorifying this news make me happy? Am I becoming one of the heartless journalist-types I said I wasn't going to become? Yes. Yes I am. Meh. So be it.

EDIT: OK I have to post the new Kylie single that she's pumped herself full of botox for, because it is the best song that I have heard in 2010 so far. It is absolutely incredible. Incredible incredible incredible. Here is is:

If you didn't enjoy that song within the first ten seconds (it took me seven seconds before I was on Twitter declaring it was amazing) then there must be something wrong with you. Or you're straight (which, in my opinion, is the same thing). WELL BLOODY DONE KYLIE MINOGUE.

And so ends yet another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup
Yee-haw, bitches!

Thursday, 13 May 2010

This will do.

We do not have an office or a study here Chez Welsh, so whenever I have a big assignment to do I sit in my parents' room and do it because it is the only room in the house I find calming (this isn't strictly true, my bathroom is where I go and sit to relax but the idea of doing work in there is a bit of a piss-take when you consider that there are three of us in the house who all need to use it). My parents' room is also the best room in the house for not distracting me; I'm sure you can tell just from the way I wander off-topic and post hyperlinks all over the place that I'm someone who is very easily distracted, so when I have looming deadlines it's pointless me being in a room with a DVD player or a musical instrument or even a pad of paper because there is no way I will get any work done.

Tonight, though, I finally finished my MFL essay. It has taken me a week and a half because, as I'm sure you will agree, it is incredibly difficult to form a 2000 word opinion on something you genuinely couldn't give a fuck about. I'd written about 600 words and, literally, I had nothing more to say. The rest is just padding. It also includes the fantastic quote: "the English idiom 'raining cats and dogs' refers to heavy rain rather than a literal shower of domestic animals." I hope I don't get done for plagarism posting hilarious quotes from my essay on the interweb, but realistically it is my hilarious quote and I should be allowed to do what I want with it.

Despite my vow earlier in the year to be more studious, there has been something of a "this will do" attitude to my work as of late. I know it's only the first year and therefore it's a pass/fail situation where you realistically only need "just enough" to scrape by, it's not really the right attitude to have if we're being honest. I'd love to be someone who could sit down with the library books he'd got out on the night the essay was set (I have made about 500 trips to the library since I started writing this essay but that's only because each book I get out is more useless than the one before it) and just get things done. Admittedly, I have done quite well to get my essays done a few days before they're actually done, I'm usually left scrambling around the night before a deadline scribbling down reference lists and sticking "furthermore"s here and there just to make up the word count. But even so, I can't help but feel I'm handing in any old shite just to create the illusion that I've done something.

I've still got a French portfolio due for Tuesday (which is also the day I'm going to see Hot Rod, oh yeah!) which will no doubt be filled with half-arsed summaries of French newspaper articles and listening exercises copied from the back of the text book, because that is just the mindset I am in at the moment. But as God and Madonna are my witnesses, I am going to turn over a new leaf for Level 2. As soon as I am set an essay I am going to run around the library picking up books hither and thither, underlining things in pencil and pulling inquisitive faces as I tap tap tap away at my laptop. I will start sticking Post-Its with thoughtful French tips on them all over the place. I will start asking thought-provoking questions in lectures, and provide insightful answers to the questions posed by lecturers (OK, that last one might not happen because I do still want to be liked. Well, I say "still"...=[ ). I keep forgetting that at some point in the near future I'm going to be actually living in an actual foreign country, so I should probably get my finger out and do something.

And at least until then, I'll always have Google Translate...

(photo from G J R @ Flickr)

Sunday, 9 May 2010

That is so gay.

It's Sunday night everyone and I am sitting at my laptop absolutely fucking fuming. I'm sitting looking Twitter, which is how I spend most of my nights these days if I'm honest because I like to see what people are talking about. Perhaps this means that I do have some journalistic tendencies in me somewhere. Anyway, I'm fuming because tonight there is a trending topic called Bieberisafag. See it for yourself on the right:

What alarmed me was that enough people were comfortable enough calling someone, let alone a 16 year old kid, a "fag" to make it a trending topic on what is slowly becoming the world's biggest social networking site. So without thinking to actually read why "bieberisafag" was a trending topic, I posted this lovely, articulate Tweet on my own page:

Admittedly not my finest hour in terms of literary wit, but I managed to get my point across. Of course, when I clicked to see what people were actually saying about the topic "Bieberisafag", it turns out that Bieberisafag is actually a user on Twitter, rather than a general comment or observation. It was looking like people were just tweeting @bieberisafag to agree with the username and spread the Bieber hate:

(from a Britney fan, no less. This woman should know better).

However, when I had a closer look, it seemed the reason and the reason Bieberisafag's username was trending was because Justin Bieber fans were ganging up and hating on her. Fair enough, I think. If you're going to use disgusting language in your username then I think it's only fair you should get a certain amount of abuse your way. Perhaps not enough to make your username a trending topic, but enough to make you learn your lesson. How nice that all of these young Bieber fans were grouping together to stop someone using homophobia to insult their idol. Of course, when I started to read the comments it was a whole other story...

It looked like people were pretty quick to deny that Bieber is a gay. This is fair enough, he's said himself that he has an eye for the ladies and while I may have previously insinuated that he was gay himself on this very blog (not cool, I know, naughty Daniel), it's generally not nice to make comments about people's sexuality. I've touched on this subject myself on the blog before, sexual orientation is really no one's business. Then I read some more tweets on the topic:
The Bieber fans (Beliebers is the correct term, I'm informed) weren't collectively outraged that their hero was being put down on the Internet, nor were they angry that Bieberisafag was using derogatory homophobic language to insult Justin. They were just pissed off that someone was calling Justin Bieber gay and were getting a lot of attention for doing it. As far as these people are concerned calling someone a "fag" is not insulting or offensive because of its negative connotations towards gay people, they think it's insulting because to them being gay is insulting.

I'm sorry that this blog always gets so heavy when it comes to things like this, but I genuinely get more pissed off by casual homophobia that most people wouldn't even consider offensive (people saying "that's so gay", "he's so gay" when what they mean is "that's so shit", "he's so shit", for example) than when I see Fred Phelps and his "God hates fags" signs campaigning at the funerals of gay people. And I really mean that. Fred Phelps is a joke. You look at his signs and you think "what a fucking joke, what the hell is wrong with him?" Everybody does, because we as a society have evolved far enough to know that outrageous outward homophobia like that is ridiculous. What we haven't evolved past yet is someone picking up the new Scouting For Girls CD and saying "that is so gay". We haven't evolved past someone walking to a lecture and saying "this lecture is so gay". We haven't evolved past someone listening to the new Justin Bieber single, hating it and going on Twitter to tell the world "Justin Bieber is so gay".

Watch this video please because I agree with every single thing Chris Crocker says (at least the parts about the "that's so gay" debacle, anyway):

"Not because I'm a gay person but because I'm a smart person".

I'm really, really disappointed with what I've seen on Twitter tonight and what I see around me all the time, if I'm honest. I know that, with this being a Justin Bieber-related incident, a lot of the people involved are young and often pre-teens. But these young people and pre-teens have to have picked up the attitude that being gay is bad from somewhere, and that's what pisss me off. A few weeks ago I was walking home from the metro station after University. It was a sunny day during the schools' half terms, and there were a group of boys, probably about 10 years old, playing in a tree. As I walked past these boys, they started taking the piss out of me- calling me a puff and asking where my boyfriend was ("I wish I fucking knew, pet", I felt like screaming back). It wasn't the things these boys were saying that had pissed me off (I'm a big boy now and gangs of 10 year old boys surprisingly don't get to me like they used to :p), what pissed me off was the fact that at 10 years old these boys had already made their minds up that being gay was something wrong, something to be made fun of and that someone senior in their life had told them this. Kids aren't born thinking that being gay is wrong, they need to be taught it from somewhere. And that's what my problem is.

Again, I'm sorry to get so heavy on a blog I try to keep as light-hearted as possible, but this is something that literally pisses me off more than anything. It's not so much a pet peeve as something that actually makes me think "what the fuck is wrong with everyone?". This blog for talking about my "big gay life" and sometimes in my "big gay life" I get pissed off by idiots who can't be arsed to pick up a thesaurus and look for synonyms of shite, so they just call everything gay because after all, "who would want to be shite?" much like "who would want to be gay?" And you can say I'm reading too much into it, that language changes over time much like gay used to mean happy, now it just means shite, it's nothing bad against gays in general, if I was homophobic how could I be friends with you?, blah blah blah, but this is a pile of bullshit bullshit bullshit.

If you don't have a problem with gay people then don't call things gay. And if you're more offended by what is implied by calling someone a fag than the actual hateful language, you need to have a good look at yourself.