Wednesday, 31 March 2010

I'm Comin' Out...

I told my parents I was gay when I was 17 years old. They accepted it and they moved on. They don't love that I'm gay, nor do they love me any less because of it, although while they've never said it out loud, I'm sure they'd prefer me not to be. This is fine, it is generally easier for straight people. I'm lucky, my being gay didn't affect my relationship with my parents at all, I had a positive coming out experience. Not everyone is as lucky as me.

Livin' La Vida Homo.

Ricky Martin came out as gay this week. Lovely. Good for him. For some reason, though, no one seems content with this. Seemingly it's a complete joke that he should say he's gay, he should have done it years ago, everyone already knew, it was totally obvious, he's having a laugh with us feeling the need to actually confirm it. What I don't understand is, why should someone 'flamboyant' not get the same respect as someone whose sexuality is more easily concealed? Have they not been through the same process? Are they not on the same journey?

There is nothing subtle about me or my sexuality. It has been noted that my homosexuality can be seen from space. It is a regular source of jokes and merriment. I never felt the need to hide my sexuality because I was never really uncomfortable enough with it for it to really be an issue. Again, I'm lucky in that respect. A lot of gay people talk about the self-loathing and anger they felt during the coming out period which, admittedly, I had my fair share of, just never enough to deny who I was. Again, some people are not as lucky as me. Some people feel the need to deny themselves for whatever reason. They are scared of peoples' reactions, they are ashamed of what they are or, in some cases, they don't feel that what goes on in the bedroom is anyone else's business. The bottom line, of course, is that it is no one's business. It's sad that we, as a 2010 society, feel the need to know everything about everyone. Whatever the reason, if someone chooses not to acknowledge their sexual preference then that is their business and no one else should judge that.

If we look at Ricky Martin's background, he is a Puerto Rican born in 1971 and raised by his Catholic mother who prompted him to be an altar boy at his church. He might have broken his way into show business when he was still young, but it doesn't sound to me like homosexuality is likely to have been a lifestyle that was promoted during his childhood years. Ricky Martin is not a celebrity I really know a lot about, so I can't tell you anything that his Wikipedia page can't, but coming out presumably was not easier for him, he's denied himself several times in past interviews which, as a gay man myself, I know can not have been easy for him. Personally, I think that all the people on YouTube and Twitter bitching that "he should have come out sooner rather than denying himself" or "he should have come out while he was still relevant" or whatever need to have a word with themselves. He didn't have to come out at all, we don't know how hard the journey's been for him to get to where he is now, why don't people get off his back and stop judging?

The same thing happened when Joe McElderry won The X Factor. Without any acknowledgement either way of his sexuality, people had just guessed on their own that Joe was gay. This is a fair enough assumption to make, I would say. The day after he won The X Factor, though, he told The Sun newspaper that he was straight, and that was that. Apparently though, that was not that and gays everywhere threw their toys out of the pram. Joe was denying who he was, Joe was putting forward the idea that being gay was something to be ashamed of, Joe was turning his back on the gay people that had made him a winner. Here's a thought: what if Joe just genuinely isn't gay and no amount of bitching is going to make him gay? What if Joe's declaration that he was straight was his way of coming out? And so what if Joe is gay, maybe just isn't ready to tell the world yet. The lad is only 18 years old, why should he be forced to make an announcement that will stick with him for life just to make other people happy?

And so, my point is that yes you may well have twigged on your own that Ricky Martin was gay, even before he said it himself. And perhaps Joe McElderry is gay. Perhaps he is not. Coming out is not as easy as the Diana Ross song made it seem, and no one should ever feel pressurised into doing it, or not doing it. If you're ready to come out-- good for you. Be brave, keep your chin up and just do it. And if you're not ready, that's fine too. When it comes down to it, no one has the right to criticise anyone's choices regarding the coming out process. Just because someone is flamboyant or has obvious gay characteristics doesn't mean they are any more comfortable with their sexuality than someone who can be more subtle, and a little sensitivity could really go a long way.

And with that, I am getting off my soap box. Feel free to go about your business.

The Lady Is Not The Queen

Lady GaGa is brilliant, right. But you listen to her talking all her pretentious bullshit about "my work is art", "I hate the truth more than anything in the world", "art is life, life is art" and then you watch this:

...and you realise "25 years in the industry versus a silly little girl with a teacup and a lot of wigs. No competition".

Monday, 29 March 2010

Big Gay Monday: Lady GaGa.

This is perhaps a slightly obvious choice for Big Gay Monday, but it was Lady GaGa's birthday this week so it seems only right that she be the focus of this week's Big Gay Monday because she is arguably the biggest gay icon on the face of the Earth at this moment in time.

With hairspray and denim, boys boys boys. We love them. We love them.

Lady GaGa is not exactly quiet in her support of gay rights and has claimed in many interviews that she is a sexually free woman who refuses to label her sexual orientation. Over the last few years lesbianism has become quite trendy, and a way of getting straight men to gawk at attention-seeking women. In her new video, Lady GaGa is seen kissing a woman in the Prison For Bitches but it's not the playful, exaggerated lip-lock we've seen with the likes of Britney and Madonna in the past. The woman she's kissing is not exactly alluring to straight men, she's got a butch haircut and impressive biceps. This is the sort of lesbianism you won't find in Loaded magazine. It's almost as if Lady GaGa is giving lesbianism back to the gay community after the Katy Perrys of the world have tried to claim it for their own. Thanks to Lady GaGa the biggest hit of the last 12 months is an anthem about bisexuality, and she was seen marching in the National Equality March for gay rights in America, as well as giving a now-celebrated speech (which she described as the high point of her career) and performing John Lennon's Imagine as part of her campaign against homophobia.

"God bless the gays".

On a much lighter note, GaGa encompasses everything I love about being gay. She is over-the-top, extravagant and flamboyant. Her music is loud, in-your-face and, more importantly, guaranteed to have you running to the dance floor. She single-handedly brought back swirling pop music to the mainstream (where it belongs, obviously) and her dress sense has influenced everyone from Madonna to Christina Aguilera. Four UK number ones can't be wrong, can they? She is fashion. She is pop. She is shallow and yet so deep. She is not so much a gay icon as an embodiment of gay life in 2010. Listen to Love Game. Listen to Boys Boys Boys. Listen to Just Dance. The Lady knows what she's talking about. If that wasn't enough her celebrity chums include Elton John, Perez Hilton, Madonna and Beyoncé. She's not exactly shying away from the gay maffia, is she?

I'm a free bitch, baby.

On her Monster Ball tour Lady GaGa performs Boys Boys Boys and calls on her "gay boys" in the audience, dedicating the song to them. Never was it more apparent that Lady Gaga knew exactly how to make her beloved gay fans happy than when out trotted scantly-clad boys in jockstraps and boxers to dance alongside her while the audience shouted the lyrics along with her. I've already said this on the blog once before, but it really did make me proud to be gay for that song which I presume was the desired effect of the performance. Watching hundreds of gay faces mouthing the same words along with each other made me feel like I was a part of something big at a time when there is not enough unity within the gay community (blah blah blah he's ranting about there being no unity in the gay community again).

And so I take my hat off to the biggest star in the world on the day after her 24th birthday. Lady GaGa is incredible and long may she reign.

MY TOP 3 GAGA (of the last 3 months)

Friday, 26 March 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Aren't the weeks going quickly? It seems like one minute it's Big Gay Monday, then suddenly it's already time for the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup where we look back over the week's worth of celebrity news through the bitchiest eyes in all of the North East BLOODY HELL THERE IS NO GAGA NEWS THIS WEEK, FOLKS, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG...

1. Alison Goldfrapp has made a massive tit of herself on the television. (Popjustice)

Goldfrapp always did have a problem with facing the right way towards the camera.

Goldfrapp were on Italian TV this week and Alison Goldfrapp went and made a right pig's ear of the performance. In recent times Britney Spears and Cheryl Cole have both been criticised for their terrible miming, but through it all they have always made it look slightly like they know what's going on around them. They are not too busy "picking up balloons" to know their cues:

How embarrassing. She made a royal dog's dinner of that, didn't she? The poor dear. The worst thing about all this is that Goldfrapp are meant to be one of the more credible acts in pop music and even they are running around the place miming, and they can't even do it right. What an incredible cringe-inducing incident for all concerned.

There is this awful moment when she realises that there is no saving the performance and there is a mix of disappointment and self-loathing and fear and anger in poor Alison's eyes. Thankfully it seems that no one outside of Italy was actually in any way interested. Goldfrapp may have had a lucky escape.

2. Check out X-Tina's underwhelming new cover art. (Shiny and New)

"Not Myself Tonight"? Let's hope she's not trying to be GaGa again...

I'll be honest with you folks, I don't really care for Christina Aguilera. Britney Spears could have a hundred years of vocal training and Christina would still be the better singer, and probably the more attractive of the two, but there is always something with Christina that doesn't really click that always has with Britney. Anyway, the above image is the cover art for Christina Aguilera's new single Not Myself Tonight which was unveiled this week. It pretty much sums up everything I dislike about X-Tina herself, ie. it is cheap and nasty.

The song itself is still being kept under wraps but it has lyrics including "If you really knew me you'd know it's not the norm" and "I'm kissing all the boys and girls" which sound to me like ripoffs of Freakshow and If U Seek Amy respectively, even with my Britney-tinted glasses off. Let's have a look at the album artwork as well shall we?:


Pretty underwhelming (though obviously it could be a lot worse). Much like everything else Christina has forced on the public since Fighter. Also, why has she spelled out Bi-On-Ic syllabically like that as if it is a really complicated word? WE AREN'T IDIOTS, PET. Perhaps I'm being a bit hasty in my criticism here and should probably wait to hear some music from the album before I write it off completely, but if I'm going to spend the next 18 months watching Christina Aguilera flitting about and trying to make herself look like a GaGa-esque bionic woman I am not going to be impressed.

3. What the fuck is wrong with Alexandra Burke's new 'do? (Daily Mail)

That's it, love, sing it like you mean it.

I wish we didn't live in a world where looks were so important and celebrities could walk about however they liked without being criticised by evil queens like myself, but unfortunately we do not live in such a world, which Alexandra Burke discovered for herself this week when she went out with half of her hair missing. It seems that prolonged use of a weave has left Alexandra with an unfortunate hair-line. Good for her, though, she is not ashamed. Shall we have a look?


It's not great, like, is it? I don't know if this hairstyle is meant to look like she's gone all Mel B and had parts of her hair shaved off to be edgy, or whether or not she just has a naturally off hairline which she isn't ashamed to show off (which, if is the case, I should really be applauding rather than mocking) but either way it's not the best look for hair, is it? Dear me. Dearie dearie me.

4. It's all tears on the set of Coronation Street. (Daily Mail)

Four pensioners in a pub? It must be Coronation Street.

I fucking hate Coronation Street, but also completely crave it. It really is an absolute shower of shite, but knowing that these characters lives would go on if I watched or not makes me want to keep watching, just so I'm not missing out. Saying that there are only a few of the characters I actually like and one of those is Deidre Barlow. She is a fabulous woman. Witty. Cheerful. She also seems to be have a Kermit The Frog-like quality in that she seems to be the only normal one floating alone in a sea of crazies.

Pictures were leaked to the press this week from the filming of Blanche's upcoming funeral, where apparently Anne Kirkbride who plays the amazing Mrs Barlow was overcome with real emotion and had to take time out from filming to gather herself. This is understandable as she had been working with the fantastic Maggie Jones who played her mother Blanche for like a million years, and they really had brilliant on-screen chemistry which can only really come from admiration off-screen.

I'm predicting this funeral is going to be a bloody big blub-fest :(

5. It's not looking good for Sugababes, is it? (Digital Spy)

Sugababes 4.0 wearing 66.666% hideous clothing.

It's bad enough everyone thinks that they're raging bitches, but now Sugababes have been dropped by their US label, Roc Nation due to what is believed to be poor sales figures. After about 500 million delays, Sugababes finally released their album Sweet 7 this month. You'd be forgiven for not realising, only a handful of people have actually bought a copy and most of those either used to be in Sugababes or will be one day.

In fact, if you have a little peep over at the albums charts right now you can see for yourself that the Sugababes album is currently nestling nicely outside of the Top 30. These are not Girls Can't Catch, these aren't even The Saturdays. These are bloody well Sugababes. And less than three weeks after the release of their album they're not even in the Top 30 anymore, let alone the Top 40. I think the Keisha-lovers could have been right, I think this could be it for Sugababes. If their US label, run by Jay-Z who seemed really keen on signing them up when the deal first got started, don't want them anymore, what's next? Three singles into the album it's hardly a time to start flinging themselves around all over the shop promoting it, is it? Bloody 'ell.

And that, my friends, was the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Big Gay (Not Quite) Monday: Womanizer.

I call 'em like I see 'em I know what you are, what you are baby.

Womanizer by Britney Spears is an important song in the world of gays for a number of reasons. For one thing, Britney Spears is this generation's Judy Garland which I don't think anyone is going to deny. Not for her talent or even her endearing nature, just for the tragic figure she is. Britney is one of those unique public figures, much like Cheryl Cole, whose sadness still shines through in her smile. So yes, the fact that Womanizer is by someone as important in the world of gays should merit it an important gay song in itself. It's also good to dance to in gay clubs and be ironic. Songs like this are always good fun, also see Dancing Queen and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.

Boy don't try to front I know just just what you are are are.

More importantly, though, Womanizer is a song about kicking an arsehole to the kirb. Benjamin Franklin once said that nothing was certain in life except death and taxes. This proves once and for all that Benjamin Franklin was not a gay man, because at one point in your life if you are a homosexual man (I can not vouch for homosexual women, because that is a lifestyle unfamiliar to me. Apols) it is that at one point or another you will have to kick some arsehole to the kirb. Mothers in teen movies always remind their daughters that men are only after one thing, don't they? And they are right. So imagine the dramzzz when there is not one but two men in the equation. With all the testosterone and hormones flying about you'd be forgiven for thinking the whole thing was an enormous explosion of jizz. That is, until you consider the whole butch/femme debacle of opposites attracting, meaning one party does not have much testosterone flying about at all (this party is often referred to as "the pussy" or, in some cases "Silly Old Daniel"). This is why so many gay relationships aren't completely monogamous and why gay men often end up with their feelings hurt.

You're a sucker to think that I would be a victim of another.

And that is why songs like Womanizer are important. If you allow me to generalise for a moment, gays like something they can dance to that also makes them feel empowered. They also like to hear Britney being a tough bitch rather than Britney whining on about something or other. The lyrics to Womanizer are not particularly imaginative (the chorus reads "Womanizer, woma womanizer you're a womanizer oh womanizer oh you're a womanizer, baby") and it could be argued that since Britney didn't even write it she could have been singing about anything and not even thinking about it. Who the hell cares?

Britney naked in a sauna, anyone?:

Fantastic stuff.

(Oh and on a humorous note, this is always worth watching as well.)

The animals came in two by two.

My friend David once joked that in a room with seven gay men, there would be six couples and me. At the time I laughed this off as a largely offensive joke. However, I am slowly beginning to think that more than a joke, David actually revealed himself as a prophet with that idea. It seems that, much like in a certain film I could mention, I have woken up in a strange place and need to step out of my house and follow the yellow brick road to ask The Wizard of Oz for a boyfriend. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to fear that when I get there the wizard will tell me that my house has crushed him, rather than a witch.

Ridiculous metaphors aside, when exactly did everyone pair up? It's as if someone shouted "Spring is coming!" and everyone got themselves a first mate? The past two or three times I've been out on gay-themed evenings I've been shocked at the number of people holding hands and looking tenderly at each other, instead of the more standard groping on the dance floor and blowing poppers into each others' mouths. It's quite troubling really, love seems to be some sort of epidemic that everyone is being infected by. And, much like swine flu and foot and mouth before it, it seems there are no signs of it coming anywhere close to catching me. It looks like I am, unfortunately, immune to it all.

Toto, I don't think we're in Powerhouse anymore...

Seriously though, folks. Look around you and I'm sure you'll see what I'm seeing. Practically all of my Uni friends are in relationships. Strangers in clubs are in relationships. It seems even people I was dating, like, five minutes ago are in relationships.

Thing is, folks, I am perfectly happy on my own. I love being single, and I really do mean that. I love that my friends are pretty much my everything, and I can do what I want and go where I want and wear what I want without having to think about whether or not I should. If you'd asked me this time, I dunno, four weeks ago whether I was happy with my single life I would have undoubtedly replied with an excited smile. It's only when other people come into your life and give you a taste of what you could be having, and then snatch it away from you (and then, you know, decide to have it with someone else *grumbles*) that words like loneliness and isolated and unloved come into my head. The solution to this? Everyone can actually fuck off.

That's right, it's other people and their charms and their games and their stupid hair that mess things up for you in the first place. So I am making a conscious decision to not go after anyone else. Being honest, if you're reading this and you're single and you're bitter about that, if you'd never had a bad relationship or a bad romantic experience you would probably never had thought twice about the single life in the first place. It is fantastic. Truthfully, if anyone is worth chasing after then you wouldn't have cause to chase them in the first place. Keep that in mind. And next time you fear that a tornado has picked up your house and crushed "the one" you just steal their shoes and head down that yellow brick road on your own. As long as you have a scarecrow and a tin man for company you shouldn't go far wrong.

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

An Open Letter To Myself

Dear Daniel,

We've been together for nearly 19 years now, so I think it's time for me to have a word with you, since no one else seems to want to. It seems that no matter what you do these days, you seem to jump into things without particularly considering the consequences and making a complete dick of yourself. This can not continue, because I can not continue with you making a dick of the both of us. You have a birthday coming up, so I am very much of the opinion that it is time for you to change your ways.

You’ve spent the past year and a half telling anyone that will listen that being single is the best thing in the world, that as single people we can do what we want when we want and don’t need to ask anyone for permission. That we’re independent and glamorous and completely in control of our own lives. Words are brilliant, pet, but before we go any further down the road of your life, you are going to have to start believing your own spiel. You are too neurotic and emotional and obsessive. I know, bless you, that in your mind you think this makes you look endearing and loveable and Carrie Bradshaw-esque. The sad truth is, though, you simply look mental, needy and desperate. And I cannot have you roaming any further down the road of your life with you making me look desperate. I know you well enough to know that, in fact, you are not desperate.

Boy-folk. You do not need them. You have lots of lovely people in your life. Chasing after people is not the way to go on. You have always preached at people for chasing others around, and it is now time to stand by that practice because, at the end of the day, if someone was worth chasing- would it even be necessary to chase them in the first place? No, they would not.

You are a nice enough person, lovely, so there is no need for stalker-like behaviour. Nor is there a need for slag-like behaviour. Nor are you at a place (anymore) where you will fall at the feet of anyone just because they have paid you a compliment. You are not 15 years old with stupid hair and crooked teeth anymore-- you do not need or owe anyone anything. You do not need to melt just because someone smiles at you. So stop going on the way you do. For the love of God.

To sum up, Daniel. Get your shit together. I’m not having another year where you constantly make a tit of us. Our street cred is not exactly soaring, and you’re not really pulling your weight to get it up there. And so, for fuck’s sake-- get it together, you look like a dick.

(Silly Old) Daniel x

My name is Daniel Welsh and I am never going to let any man make a dick out of me ever, ever again.

Friday, 19 March 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I am hungoverhungoverhungover. So let's all get a cup of tea, put up our feet and look back over the last seven days of celebrity gossip through the bitchiest eyes in the North East...

1. Sony cleverly drop Jedward. Universal not-so-cleverly sign them up. (Digital Spy)

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! And so on...

Music-listeners across the globe breathed a sigh of relief this week as the news came that after one Number 2 single, Sony had decided to drop Jedward from their record label. Brilliant news, we wouldn't have to endure any more of their music but perhaps they could do some form of presenting, or children's TV, or porn or something like that.

The relief, though, was short-lived as days later Universal announced that they had decided to sign Jedward up. Why they chose to do this is completely beyond me. I do like Jedward but it must be acknowledged that they can not sing a note in tune. Not one note. Why should they have now been signed up by not one but two record labels when their singing is completely horrific. Even bloody Britney could sing once upon a time, but these two!! There are no words.

2. Pixie Lott goes out and scratches her fanny. (Holy Moly)

What would your daddy say?

I don't normally agree with paparazzi printing photos of people in unflattering or misleading poses, but I really don't like Pixie Lott and it's always funny to watch someone fiddling with their crotch, so just this once I'll let it slip through the net.

Pixie Lott was wandering about this week, and was caught fiddling on with herself. That is basically the story in its entirety, either I could be a good journalist and pad it out by saying where she was and where she was going and who she was with, or I could just sort my life out and show you the pictures.


Just what you wanna see.

3. Wankmusik. (Popjustice Forums)

Frankmusik and Silly Old Daniel. In one photo. What more could you want, man?

Frankmusik has been a bad boy. A very, very bad, bad boy GaGa. Photos of him cracking one out leaked onto the Interweb earlier this week. Much like the previous Pixie Lott story, that is the story in its entirety so let's have a look at what some of the Popjustice forum members have been saying:

If you'd like you can view the picture for yourself here is a censored version since obviously this is a family blog, but if you like you can see the uncensored version here but bloody 'ell there's a nude cock if you click the link so on your head be it:

Another otherwise fit photo ruined by the image of Britney Spears' bald head.

4. Joe McElderry gets surprisingly hot. (The Sun)

Cheryl Cole 2.0.

X Factor winner and local lad Joe McElderry has signed up with Next Modelling Agency, who also cater for Daisy Lowe and Alexa Chung (who, in my honest opinion, should both be exterminated) and the pictures released so far from his photoshoot are surprisingly fit. Just goes to show the wonders of airbrushing, eh?

Let's see what Perez Hilton had to say about all this:

See the pictures for yourself here. Lovely!

5. I don't think Lady GaGa is very well. (Digital Spy)

Have a rest, pet.

There's an unfortunate video doing the rounds at the moment of Lady GaGa performing Bad Romance in New Zealand or somewhere like that, and she is clearly not up for it. The woman has to keep sitting down, a stage we should stress that even Madonna hasn't reached yet and Madonna is not a young woman. Let's have a look, shall we?:

This is not a well woman. She seems exhausted, forgets the words to the second verse of the song and almost goes an entire chorus without singing. It's impossible to watch this, as a Lady GaGa fan, and not feel somewhat responsible. I think when the (seemingly never-ending) Monster Ball Tour finally finishes, Lady GaGa needs to put her feet up and just take a year out.

I tell you what, with all the elaborate costumes, dance routines and music videos she's got going on, it does make you wonder how people like Lily Allen can even think about retiring or complaining of a hectic schedule or anything like that.

We love you GaGa, don't kill yourself with work!

And so ends another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

"Get a fucking sense of humour, OK?" - Madonna.

Pop music was all fine and dandy for a while, but then it got slaughtered. It's hard to pinpoint the moment it started to die, but it's safe to say that the funeral took place at the 2004 Brit Awards, where Cat Deeley straddled an enormous bottle of champagne and proclaimed "Rock is back", which strangely was a gimmick created simply so that The Darkness could go home with a bunch of awards. Where are The Darkness now? Exactly.

LIKE OMG ROCK ON. Fuck off, pet.

While it might have been a bit hasty to start shouting about rock being back, it did start a new era of music having to be "credible" and "real". Suddenly indie bands were cropping up all over the shop. I'm sure you remember. Bands like The Killers, Kaiser Chiefs and Arctic Monkeys were getting number 1 records, which they would never have been able to do in the past. It was all fun and games to begin with, people having a grand old time listening to the trust fund boys playing their little guitars and singing about their broken hearts. It was lovely. And then it became overkill. Suddenly what was alternative had become the mainstream. And what was previously mainstream had now become the alternative. Bizarrely, for possibly the first time, pop music had become an alternative for people.

2008/9 arrived and people began to cotton onto this fact. Lady GaGa entered stage left and suddenly the "freaks" (once the mainstream, now the alternative) had a leader. Pop music began to take back the mainstream. Suddenly the charts were ours again. But something had changed. People had been so used to "real" (ERGH ERGH ERGH I HATE USING THE WORD "REAL" ALL FUCKING MUSIC IS REAL) music by people who wrote their own songs and played their own instruments that people felt the need to justify loving pop music. This is where we are today.

There's something in your hair, love.

Here we are in 2010, where for the first time in many years, pop music is thriving and going strong. Why, then, are people still looking for ways of making a genre that prides itself on being shallow have some form of hidden meaning? I'm sure you remember the Telephone video came out this week. It's a gorgeous, if not somewhat confusing and irrelevant to the theme of the song, video. And it has got everyone talking. The fashion, the acting, Beyoncé's breasts. It's all a hot topic. For those who still haven't seen it- Lady GaGa goes to prison for killing her boyfriend in the Paparazzi video, Beyoncé bails her out and they go for a drive to a diner where they kill everyone and then drive off again. It's got bright colours, endearing dialogue and- more importantly than any of that shite- the song itself is incredible.

Of course, people aren't happy with that. We have to have hidden meanings in it. It has to have symbolism. It has to have a message. If you'd like you can check out some articles yourself such as this one (where the video is disected a hundred times over just so someone can feel good about liking a woman whose song titles include Beautiful, Dirty, Rich and Money Honey) or this much more bizarre one which takes "running away with a loose idea until you sound ridiculous" to new levels with its theory that Lady GaGa is somehow linked to the Illumnati.

Q magazine have been guilty of this sort of behaviour twice in recent memory. Cheryl Cole took the cover with the headline "Cheryl Cole Rocks" while Lady GaGa had to get her tits out. Why is it that the only way for a popstar to be taken seriously within music is for them to be violated or for them to have to "rock"? Pop music is not hurting anyone, it is there to make you feel good. It is there to make you dance. It is there to take you away for four minutes. It's not something that should be a "guilty pleasure". Nor is it something that needs to be analysed, dissected or "figured out". It is what it is.

And so, in the spirit of pop music "being what it is", I turn to the Queen of Pop and say: "Get a fucking sense of humour, OK?"

Big Gay (Not Quite) Monday: MessyCarla

I missed Big Gay Monday this week (apols) because in the time I have spent in the past writing my usual pile of twaddle, I was out with Carla in the gay scene. I thought this to be a sign and thus this Wednesday's Big Gay Monday is all about wor Carla.

Karaoke queens.

Carla writes a fashion blog called Messy Carla: A Fashion Blog In A Size 16. It is a bloody successful thing, and since its launch Carla has been invited to Fashion Week on the back of the blog, started a brand new baking blog and become a centerfold in a local paper (not in that way, which is a shame because she does have a cracking pair of stonking big breasts). More importantly, though, Carla has everything you need if you want to be a raging gay icon. She has a filthy sense of humour (think Miriam Margolyes), dresses unconventionally (hence the bloody great fashion blog she's got going for her) and, as previously stated, truly has a remarkable pair of breasts. I'd post a close-up of them but she's something of a respected figure nowadays and I don't want to drag her down to my level.

Living proof that opposites attract.

Above all that though, Carla knows as well as anyone what it feels like to be an outcast and when you are an outcast there are two things you can do. Run away and hide or rise above it. If you have read her blog, it's obvious which option Carla picked.

And so ends this blog where I kiss Carla's arse. I am not the first to kiss it and I will not be the last.

Friday, 12 March 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Let's have a look over the last week's worth of celebrity news, shall we? I'm not going to comment on Mark Owen because I don't care about it and if 2009 was the year of celebrity death then 2010 is obviously the year of the celebrity affair.

1. Nadine Coyle bloody loves Cheryl Cole. (Twitter)

"Hmm if I eat this Kit Kat then I can't eat again until next week..."

The papers are saying this week that Nadine and Cheryl of Girls Aloud fame aren't quite the bosom buddies we want to think they are. Reports have been coming in over the last few weeks that everyone's more than willing to get into the studio for a new Girls Aloud album (bless, you can just imagine Kimberley scratching at the door like a dog locked out of the house, can't you?) except Nadine whose rift with new-found solo star Cheryl Cole is throwing a spanner in the works.

Nadine took to her Twitter this week to confirm that she and Cheryl are fine. So that's that. It must be true if it was said on Twitter. That's the rule. Of course, with every Top 10 single and front page Cheryl gets under her belt, the less likely it looks we're going to see a Girls Aloud re-union any time soon. The question is, who's going to break the news to Kimberley?

2. Danny Young skates around with no top off. (Heatworld)

You're right, there just aren't enough fit boys on this blog.

Personally I don't watch Dancing On Ice, I have a life. Unfortunately for me, what I missed was Danny Young skating around with no top off. He was fit when he was on Coronation Street, and it seems that he is still fit. Good for him. Let's watch it, eh?

Goodness me. I think I might need a cold shower after that.

3. Alan Carr has a cheeky wine and starts telling lies. (Twitter)

Mark Owen's on the phone, love.

You know how it is when you get yourself good and drunk and take to the Internet. A good example could possibly be the 672 word essay I sent to Simon over Facebook when I got in from my night on the tiles with Miss Carla last night, an even better example would be the way in which Alan Carr took to his Twitter this week:

While I'm sure you agree that Michelle Obama would be a fabulous guest on Chatty Man, Alan confirmed the other day that in fact when he Tweeted this he was drunk and Michelle will, in fact, not be making an appearance. On the plus side, Justin Bieber will. Christ, when did Chatty Man turn into a Youth Club...?

4. Lily Allen is out of fucking control. (Perez Hilton)

When Lily is in a state like this, Daniel and Carla have to step in and sing Not Fair.

How wild is Lily Allen please? She is out of control. I wish I were as wild as her. She's even wilder than a Ke$ha cameo on Skins. This week she had a cigarette! INDOORS!! BLOODY HELL LILY SLOW DOWN.

Actually lighting up indoors is indeed a crime, and she should know better being in the public eye and all that. She was performing a gig in the UK and announced to the crowd that, despite suffering from bronchitis, she was going to break the smoking ban and have a cigarette right there on the stage.

What a dickhead.

5. Sinitta is going to blow your fucking mind. (Digital Spy)

Sinitta: National Treasure.

Just when you thought you'd had your fill of Sinitta-related stories, the unrivalled Queen of Pop took to her Twitter this week to let her die-hard fans know that she had some shocking news for them. As of yet we don't know what the big announcement is, which is probably for the best as I am so excited for it all is so intense I'm scared that when Sinitta finally drops the news I will poo myself.

Whatever it is, I'm sure it will be big. Sinitta is in top of the world right now so it could potentially be anything. Perhaps Lady GaGa is breaking her no-collaborations pact and heading into the studio with our Sinitta? Perhaps she is to replace Simon Cowell as a judge on American Idol? Perhaps in the style of Dollywood, Sinitta is to receive her very own theme park? It's all too much! I can't take it!

And so ends another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup!

The Telephone Video.

This morning, the Telephone video premiered online. It is very, very good. You have a busy life so if you like I can just talk you through it...

The video is called Telephone. Cleverly they have made the word Telephone at the beginning look like a phone. Whatever will they think of next?

And that's who sings in it. Lovely.

Lady GaGa has been brought to the "Prison For Bitches". I can sense this is not going to be The Sweet Escape-esque.

They're taking off her bloody clothes. Look at that horny lesbian in the next cell! Bloody 'ell!

Well. Look at that. There are Lady GaGa's mammaries.

Guard 1: I told you she didn't have a dick.
Guard 2: Shame.
Bloody hell GaGa no one thinks you have a dick anymore stop going on about it!

As time passes, Lady GaGa really lets herself go in prison.

I'm joking obviously, here she is wearing chains and sunglasses made of cigarettes. I trust Catherine will be getting some of these for the Summer.

Lady GaGa kisses a butch lesbian with Ray-Ban sunglasses. I'm sure this in itself is symbolic, she might as well be kissing a giant pile of money given to her by Ray-Ban....

...and Virgin Mobile apparently.
"Lady GaGa you have a call" says a prison voice. Apparently the director of this has confused prison with a 5* hotel for lesbians.

Lady GaGa has cans of Diet Coke in her hair, and bags of money from Diet Coke in her apartment. As you can see, GaGa's former self is looking on from the distance and judging her. "We used to be about the music", says her past self. Lord.

She finally answers the phone. It should be noted that we're just shy of the 3 minute mark and the singing has only just started. Oh my.

Here she is wearing a racy little number. I don't think this really reflects what prison life is like, for some reason I cannot imagine Karen Matthews cutting a rug in this sort of outfit.

And that, loves, is Lady GaGa's arse.

And now, in a totally irrelevant part of the video, here is Lady GaGa wearing police tape as an outfit. What's she like, eh?



Someone has bailed Lady GaGa out of prison!!! Nice hat.


It's only bloody Beyoncé who's bailed her out!! Just when you thought she couldn't get any better, she's bailed GaGa out of bloody prison!
"You've been a bad girl," she says. "A very, very bad, bad girl, GaGa". Sexual tension, much?

Beyoncé takes a bite of something. I presume it is Lady GaGa's bad girl meat.

Sharing is nice.

At this point in the video Lady GaGa starts taking Polaroid pictures of Beyoncé for seemingly no reason other than to remind everyone that she's like a creative director or something for Polaroid now.

Beyoncé is now in a diner with this unfriendly man.

Those are Beyoncé's breasts. Impressive, I'm sure you agree.

She's only bloody poisoning him though! I didn't realise this until I spotted that skull and crossbones. I constantly need music videos to assume I'm stupid, you see.

Look at that chauvinistic pig! I'M GLAD HE'S GOING TO DIE WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?

Meanwhile, Lady GaGa is back on the phone on her head. I don't know who she's talking to it's obviously not plugged in.

I forgot to mention that earlier in the video Beyoncé said "Once you've killed the cow you have to make a burger" which I'm pretty sure means that cannibalism is about to occur. If so this is brilliant news because cannibalism is one of the few social taboos that have remained intact in the modern age. The Alejandro video will probably deal with incest.

Lady GaGa and a bottle of mayo. My two favourite things in one picture.

I wonder if Gordon Ramsay dances about like this in his kitchen.

Bloody 'ell and now we're watching Poison TV. Like QVC for the suicidal I assume.

Lady GaGa shares her traditional Italian cuisine with us.

"Is everything alright with your meal?"

"Not really it's fucking awful"

"Bloody 'ell your food has killed me".

"Very good."

"Woopsie!" Beyoncé is stunning, isn't she?

GaGa starts to count in German.

More people are eating the poisoned bloody food!!

GaGa on the other hand just wants to show off her language skills. I assume I will see her in MFL on Tuesday morning.

This woman is dying!

This man is choking!

Lady GaGa continues to put the German in Germanotta. You get it?

What's left to do but dance around the corpses?

She's even killed the bloody dog (look away Sophie)

And off they drive. Weeee!

Bizarrely Kylie Mibloodynogue wore this exact outfit years ago. Not quite sure what GaGa is playing at here.

Back to the Pussy Wagon...

They've made the bloody news!! Not surprising as they've just poisoned an entire diner and run off...

...apparently to become bee-keepers.

They're in this together! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE.

And that's that.

...or perhaps not.

If you've sat through all this shite you might as well watch the video for yourself, really.