Monday, 10 February 2014

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

My blogs are like buses. You wait ages for one and then loads come at once. Except unlike a bus ride, you don't spend the entire duration of my blog with your finger hovering over the "9" on your mobile in case someone mugs you. Or maybe you do. I am pretty menacing. Here's a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup for you to peruse instead of doing whatever it is you should be doing. It's OK I won't tell anyone...

1. Miley Cyrus says her upcoming tour will be an "education" for teenagers.

Lock up your sledgehammers or she'll be gobbling on them like a Flip-Pop from the 90s (or like a man's cock), Miley Cyrus is hopping off the plane at your nearest airport with a dream and her cardigan, and putting on a show for us all!

Yes, that's right, the Bangerz tour is kicking off in a matter of days in Vancouver (incidentally Toronto mayor Rob Ford was in Vancouver just days before Miley, we hope he didn't smoke all the good weed before she got there NAR MAN I'M SURE HE DIDN'T HE IS AFTER ALL A RESPECTED POLITICIAN).

However while some conservative parents have decided they don't want their kids watching the artist formerly known as Hannah Montana leaping around the stage with her labia hanging out, Miley has defended her controversial stage performances, saying her tour will be an "education" for youth.

An "education" indeed...

So, yeah, Miley was speaking to reputed news source Fuse News - most famous for their coverage of Syria - and said: "Even though parents probably won't think this, I think my show is educational for kids. They're going to be exposed to art most people don't know about".

That all sounds very exciting, and if that wasn't enough Miley then teased her fans with a backstage picture of the "art" they can expect from the Bangerz tour...

Who knew Miley loved a jumbo hot-dog between her legs? And, yes, that is a sweatshirt with her own face on it that she's wearing. Amazing.

No matter how much of an education kids are getting on the Bangerz tour, the one thing they're not learning is how to correctly spell the word 'bangers'...

2. James Arthur goes off on one on Twitter (how completely out of character).

Remember when Nicole Scherzinger collaborator James Arthur gave up Twitter? That was a peaceful five minutes, wasn't it?

Alas, it wasn't long before the X Factor winner was back filling our timelines with his unique mix of hateful rants and cringe-inducing, self-indulgent bollocks. And now he's in trouble again, this time after an incident involving his PA and a girl with massive titties.

Screengrabs of messages that James had allegedly sent to glamour model Teddy Edwardes (who we can no doubt look forward to seeing in the Celebrity Big Brother house this summer) made their way onto Twitter, bearing the beautiful message: "I would like to fuck the living shit outta you". SO ROMANTIC, AND SO CLOSE TO VALENTINE'S DAY TOO. I'm getting misty-eyed (and misty elsewhere, too, that smooth-talking Romeo...).

When she spurned his advances, telling him "fucking randoms for a one night stand isn't really my thing", he hit back, saying "Babe. Don't flatter yourself alright. You're more random than I'll ever be. You're lucky I'm moving my thumbs for a random like you".

And it was the cringe felt around the world...

James has taken a leaf out of Shaggy's book and said "it wasn't me", claiming it was in fact his old PA that sent Teddy the embarrassing messages. However, when she posted the number on Twitter former X Factor contestant Lucy Spraggan - who, herself, has been involved in a very public argument with James after he posted a rap containing homophobic slurs online - stated that it was, in fact, his number and not his PA's.

Since then, James seems keen to take the attention back to his music, sharing titles of the song titles appearing on his forthcoming "mix tape". Because we all remember how well it went last time you put out a "mix tape", and called someone a "fucking queer" on it. People really seemed to love that, didn't they?

The question remains: exactly what will it take before Simon Cowell drops James Arthur for good? I feel like every ridiculous thing he does - the homophobic raps, the public arguments, the ridiculous self-indulgent Twitter posts - is like hanging another bag on fucking Buckaroo. What is it going to take..?

And if you thought James Arthur was behaving like a moron, just wait...

3. Shia LaBeouf doesn't want to be famous anymore, ends up being more famous than ever.

Here's a useful tip for journalists struggling to write Shia LaBeoufs name over and over again: all the vowels in his surname are in alphabetical order! Handy!

So, yes. Shia LaBoeuf is behaving like a real ass-hat at the moment. It all started when he premiered his "short film" Howard, but ended up in hot water when it emerged the whole bastard thing was plagiarised. It then transpired that basically everything he's ever directed has been stolen from someone else, leading him to post the following statement...

"In my excitement and naiveté as an amateur filmmaker, I got lost in the creative process and neglected to follow proper accreditation".

Erm...yeah! Woopsie!

Since that embarrassing faux pas, he's been behaving very erratically on Twitter, posting the message "I AM NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE" every day, reminding me slightly of this moment from The Office... if just saying the words enough will make it happen. No, no, Shia. That's not how it works.

He took things to the next level when promoting his new arty film (not quite as arty as the Bangerz tour, but it's up there) Nymphomaniac where Shia stars alongside Charlotte Gainsbourg, Jamie Bell and Uma Thurmann and they all get shagged every which way.

When quizzed about the film's sex scenes at a press conference in Berin, Shia said: "When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea. Thank you very much", before storming out to the bewildered applause of his co-stars and the journalists present. I like to think that before he left he played a few confusing notes on a fife and then jigged out of the room, but unfortunately this was presumably not the case.

That night Shia turned heads when he decided to show up on the red carpet sporting a brown paper bag over his head sporting the message: "I am not famous anymore".

Seriously, Shia. Someone needs to explain this to you. That is not how fame works. The more erratically you behave, the more attention you draw to yourself. And the more attention you get, the more famous you become. This is literally the first time the words "Shia LaBeouf" have ever appeared on this celebrity blog, which I have been writing for a few years now. Do you honestly think I ever sat through Transformers? Or The Even Stevens Movie? No. The only reason we're talking about you is because you're running around town like a bell end with a bag on your head telling everyone you're not famous anymore. Have a word.

Thankfully since then, Shia has decided to use his new-found paper bag fame to help spread awareness of important causes...

Well done, Shia.

That's it!
Laters! x

No comments:

Post a Comment