Wednesday, 5 February 2014

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

In the film of this story, I am played by 10 Things I Hate About You-era Joseph Gordon-Levitt-John-Jacob-Jingle-Jingleheimer-Schmidt or whatever his name is. I know I'm massively punching above my weight, but bare with me. My blog is played by Anne Hathaway, wearing Deirdre Barlow glasses and possibly a scoliosis brace to correct her unsightly hump. We're basically outcasts at high school, and we relate to each other. We "get" each other. We don't care that the other kids stuff me my locker, or throw "slurpies" in Anne Hathaway's face or whatever it is the kids on Glee do (I was in my high school choir and I suffered a lot worse than a "slurpie" in the face, but let's not turn this into a pity party).

Things are going great for me and Anne Hathaway, until the arrival of My Internship, played in this analogy by Chloe Bridges, best known for playing Donna LaDonna in The Carrie Diaries, though she was also the popular bitch in the extremely unpopular third film in the Legally Blonde trilogy, Legally Blondes, a film so terrible you'd have to be as off-your-box as Justin Bieber behind the wheel to enjoy it.

For some reason Chloe Bridges takes a shine to me even though I'm incredibly unpopular. Maybe she finds me "goofy" or "cute" or whatever it is Americans say, or maybe our mothers used to know each other before she moved to Connecticut (I have no idea who or what a Connecticut is). Everyone warns me that My Internship is a heartbreaker, that I shouldn't get too involved because she has had a carousel of men before her. But I don't listen. I fall for her hard, thinking I will be the one to change her. But I can't. And just when I was getting to fall in love with her, she tells me she wants to see other people.

And that's when Anne Hathaway takes off her glasses, and whips off her scoliosis brace. For the first time she's walking erect. And so am I. But will things between Anne and I ever be the same again? Let's find out, in a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Justin Bieber-Welsh bites a girl's tit.

A lot has happened to Justin Bieber-Welsh since I last did a blog, and unfortunately none of it involves a sleepover in Hebburn. Basically, his 2014 didn't really get off to a flying start - or perhaps you could say it did, depending on which way you look at it - as he was arrested for arranging a drag race in Miami while allegedly off his box on alcohol and cannabis.

Proving he was just as committed to paying his debt to society as he was to making decent music (ie. not at all), here is his mug shot:

Because if you've got enough money you can basically do whatever you want, he was bailed out a matter of hours later. Did he apologise to his fans for his blatant disregard for the law, and endangering his life and the lives of others? No, but he did upload an Instagram photo comparing his arrest for drink-driving to Michael Jackson's "not guilty" verdict for child molestation. Because those two things are definitely comparable.

So listen, we all know I love Justin Bieber, right? I think he's a beautiful man, and I just want him to be alright. I thought this arrest would be the end of his cunty behaviour. I genuinely thought this would be him learning his lesson. It turns out this is just the tip of the iceberg. The problem is that he's been arrested, and he's got away with it. And now I suspect he wants to see how much more he can get away with. And that is going to be a lot, because the people around him are not saying "no" to him. How do I know people aren't saying "no" to him. Well, watch his most recent music video... might notice something about Justin Bieber's face that shouldn't be there. I am, of course, talking about that stupid pubey non-moustache he insists on keeping on his face. I don't know if he thinks it makes him look edgy, or bad-ass or whatever. It does not. It makes him look like a 14-year-old whose mother won't let him start shaving yet unless he accidentally cuts himself.

The fact is this - wardrobe, makeup, hair people, the video's director, his friends: all of these people allowed Justin Bieber to keep that moustache, even though it makes him look like a massive, MASSIVE bell end. It is literally a case of the Emperor's New Clothes, which if nothing else at least means he might do some sort of naked YouTube broadcast where he thinks he's wearing magnificent robes while in actual fact his nob is hanging out. I'D BE SCREENSHOT-HAPPY THAT DAY I CAN TELL YOU.

It was in the news just today that the pilot of a private jet was forced to wear a gasmask while flying Biebs around this weekend because the smell of weed was so strong. Meanwhile he and his father reduced a flight attendant to tears after barraging her with verbal abuse, to the point she was forced to hide in the cockpit to avoid him. Justin Bieber. Cockpit. I'll let you write that one yourself.

Meanwhile, on Wednesday he turned himself over to officials after assaulting a limo driver. There is only one instance when abusing a limo driver is OK, and that is if the abuse is taking place in Madonna's Music video. Apparently, Justin asked the driver to turn up the radio (because, let's be honest, The Wheels On The Bus can only really be fully appreciated at full volume). He then stuck his hand through the partition (...yeah) to turn the nob (...yeah) himself, which eventually quickly escalated to him repeatedly smacking the driver in the head.

And as if all that wasn't enough, an obscene photo of Justin emerged this week. Because of its explicit nature, I've decided to obscure the offensive part of it with a picture of my favourite of Justin's tattoos:

Just in case the tattoo and nails weren't a giveaway, this woman is supposedly a stripper. NO JUDGMENT. If you'd like to have a look at the uncensored photo - you cheeky thing, you - then you can click here.


2. Britney Spears has a surprise guest at her Vegas show.

Fans of weave-flipping and unenthusiastic hip-shaking can't have failed to notice that Britney Spears is currently doing "her thing" in Las Vegas, performing her Piece Of Me residency show at the Planet Hollywood hotel. One show a week, because apparently stomping about and pretending to know the words to Gimme More seven years after its release more than that is asking too much of ol' Britney.

Plenty of celebrities have been pictured in the crowd at the show since it opened. Katy Perry was seen there with her gross rebound boyfriend John Mayer, and who could forget this amazing Instagram video of Miley Cyrus rocking out in the crowd to Till The World Ends..?

Britney set tongues wagging (and for once it wasn't just her own tongue, hanging loosely out of her head as she stared out of the window longing for a life away from show business) when she tweeted this earlier in the week:

Now my first thought upon seeing this was, "oh no she's talking to the birds again", but it turned out that GaGa was actually going to be in the audience of Britney's show, which to be honest I'm sure is a really good show. I'm sorry I'm so mean about Britney, everyone. I'm just jealous that I don't have my own Las Vegas residency. Yet. And it was really nice of GaGa to support Britney so publicly, she's said many times before what an admirer of Britney's she is. So yeah, that's nice.

After the show, the pair posed for a photo together which they then shared online. And, erm, they looked a bit "questionable" in it:

So...yeah. It's safe to say Britney's team have given up on trying to show her how to put a wig on, and figured the only way she'll learn is if she does it for herself. Even if that does mean letting her walk around backstage with her wig on back-to-front and inside-out. Meanwhile, GaGa presumably couldn't be bothered to wait around and meet Britney, so she sent Donatella Versace in her place. Britney, of course, was none the wiser, but only because in her mind everybody looks like Chester the Cheetah from the Cheetos adverts.

And they all lived happily ever after.


3. Miley Cyrus says porn ruins everything.

Miley Cyrus is the latest star to grace the cover of W magazine. I don't mind admitting to you that this is a magazine that I have never heard of, but it must be a big deal because everyone is talking about it. It says a lot about Miley Cyrus that the reason people are shocked by her photo on the cover of the magazine isn't because she's naked, but because she's wearing a wig:


The star also gave a very revealing interview with the magazine, which is good because really it's what's inside that counts, right? Yes. Yes it is.

First Miley shocked the world by telling that she "loves getting stoned". STOP THE PRESSES. She also discussed the end of her engagement to actor and proper fucking fittie Liam Hemsworth by curiously stating: "Men watch too much porn", going on to say that men believe that the types of women who exist in porn exist in real life. I know that Miley's main concern at all times is accurate and realistic portrayals of women in the media. Because you see women swinging naked from wrecking balls all the bastard time, don't you?

She continued by describing romantic comedies as "girl porn", and that women delude themselves into thinking that men in rom-coms exist in real life when in fact they don't. Miley, if your idea of "porn" is a box of Milk Tray and a screening of 27 Dresses, then I have some websites to pass on to you that will change your life...

Well that's enough of me being horrible about celebrities for one day


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