Sunday, 8 December 2013

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

So it's been a month and a day since the last time I posted a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup, and I must admit it has been a fairly eventful month indeed. At the last minute I applied to do an internship at my favourite entertainment website Digital Spy down in London, so I spent two weeks working there and writing for them, which was amazing. If you want to read some of the stuff I wrote then you click on these very words.

SO ANYWAY, while I was there I saw a tweet advertising for an intern at a different site, the companion website to Best magazine, which is where I'll be interning until Christmas covering huge stories such as this one, and not so huge stories such as this one. Still I am having a great time and learning and enjoying myself and meeting cool people, and actually living in London, hence why my blogging has taken something of a back seat.

But, because it's been a while since I was allowed to cover a celebrity story and actually use profanity, I have decided to return to my first love of blogging, for an all-new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Tom Daley is shagging a bloke.


"So I see Tom Daley has come out of the closet. LOL. I KNEW THAT ALREADY, TOM".

OH DID YOU? DID YOU KNOW THAT ALREADY? WELL AREN'T YOU CLEVER? WOULD YOU LIKE A SHINY MEDAL? WOULD YOU LIKE A PARADE THROWN IN YOUR HONOUR? THIS OUTSTANDING CITIZEN HAD ALREADY GUESSED TOM DALEY WAS INTO MEN AND THEREFORE HIS ENTIRE COMING OUT IS COMPLETELY NULL AND VOID. EVERYONE GIVE UP YOUR PATHETIC LIVES BECAUSE THIS AWE-INSPIRING INDIVIDUAL HAD ALREADY PIECED TOGETHER THE COMPLEX DA VINCI CODE-ESQUE CLUES AND DECIPHERED THAT OLYMPIC DIVER TOM DALEY MIGHT ENJOY A BIT OF COCK.

Aren't people just the worst sometimes?

So, anyway. Tom Daley posted a YouTube video on Monday morning where he revealed that he had been dating a guy "since the Spring", which I was very grateful for because Monday morning was when I started my newest internship and it gave me a very good conversation starter on my first day.

Let's re-watch the video now, and I'll tell you some of my favourite bits (I basically have the whole thing memorised now because I have taken to playing it right before I go to sleep but that is a whole other story that I will save for another time, or maybe never, probably never):


"Finishing my A Levels this year...it's been hectic"
For the love of God, Tom. I'm sure you're a lovely lad but it's very hard to sustain an erection when you're reminding us of the fact that you only got your A Levels THIS YEAR. Fucking hell. Can we please just remember that when I got my A Levels I looked like this...


...and the worst of it is this is post-braces and therefore not even me at my ugliest during my adolescence. In fact, this photo represents the light at the end of the tunnel. Anyway, Tom Daley I was not.

"You're probably thinking 'why did you do a book' and 'why did you do a documentary'?"
Literally nobody is thinking those things, Tom. For one thing, nobody knows those things existed. I have spent more hours than I would possibly care to even consider scouring the Internet looking at photos of Tom Daley, and even I had no idea that a documentary existed. What we are wondering is "why did you do Splash", a TV show so awful that even the presence of Anthony "I've Got A Sensitive Marff Alright" Ogogo in a pair of Speedos couldn't save it from its own horrendousness.

"In an ideal world I wouldn't be doing this video"
It's true, Tom. But in an ideal world you and I would be making a very different kind of video together. But no. We are not.

"I met someone and it made me feel so happy, so safe and everything just feels great"
Seriously people you can be as cynical as you like but a 19-year-old lad going on YouTube and saying his relationship makes him feel "safe" is really nice. I hope one day somebody loves me enough to go on YouTube and say I make them feel safe, rather than posting a Vine video of themselves talking about how terrified I make them :((((

"And that someone...is a guy"
*monocle falls into Martini*

"It was always at the back of my head that something like that could happen"
At this point in the video I lose interest because Tom Daley moves his hand towards his face and shows off this...



....the ugliest ring I think I have ever seen in my life. We get it, Tom. You were in the Olympics. We saw you do it, there are videos everywhere, you don't need to remind us by wearing a ring of the Olympic bastard rings. Which he also has a fucking ugly TATTOO of. I mean when I was 8 years old I won the Beaver of the Year award at my Beaver scout troop, but you don't see me getting the fleur de lis tattooed on my arm (although actually my ex-boyfriend has the fleur de lis tatooed on his arm, so I suppose if I got that done now it might look a bit mental).

"Of course I still fancy girls"
Oh of course, Tom! And we're sure they fancy you too, especially after this video where you boastfully tell us all about how there's someone hanging out the back of you on a regular basis these days.

He then goes on to chat on about Rio 2016 and how his family have stood by him and it's all very lovely. Well done Tom Daley. Of course, the question on everyone's lips was "who is the chap putting such a spring in Tom Daley's step?" (because he's so happy. I don't mean from all the sodomy). And, well I don't want to brag or anything but it's m--


...OH RIGHT. No. Of course it's not me. According to The Sun, and Tom Daley is yet to actually deny this, it's Dustin Lance Black (otherwise known as Dustin Lance Bass). Dustin Lance Bass, for those who don't know, is the 39-year-old scriptwriter of such gay classics as Pedro (the film adaptation the Garden Gang story Pedro Pepper and the Cherry Twins) and Milk (the story of a lonely milkman who eventually starts a passionate love affair with an ice cream man). 

He was also caught in a scandal a few years ago when photos of him circulated online having unprotected anal sex with another man, when he's one of them "YOU THERE, PUT A CONDOM IN THE END OF YOUR PENIS BEFORE YOU PUT IT IN THAT MAN'S BOTTOM" types.

All joking aside, one of the most important sportsmen in Britain today has come out at the age of 19 and that is absolutely astounding to me. Without necessarily even meaning to, he has made a difference, so congratulations Tom but SERIOUSLY-- I have barely been single for five minutes and Tom Daley is now seeing somebody. We're like ships in the bastard night...

2. Britney is going to have to do some very quick back-pedalling.


Britney Spears has a new album out, everyone. It's called Britney Jean and it is very underwhelming. It isn't bad or anything, but doesn't really sound like anybody on it was actually bothered about making it. Nobody was putting their all into Britney Jean. will.i.am, of course, has his own music career to worry about. Sia is busy running all over town writing songs for Rihanna and David Guetta and Beyoncé and every Tom, Dick and Harry she encounters in the street. And Britney has that spot on the wall she likes to stare at while she waits for the sweet release of death, which I imagine is rather time-consuming.

JOKES I'M SURE BRITNEY HAS EVERYTHING SHE NEEDS IN LIFE SHE HAS HER BOYS SEAN PRESTON OFF THE ORDINARY BOYS AND JESSIE J OR WHATEVER THEY'RE CALLED.

So anyway, obviously it was starting to become apparent to Team Britney that no one was aware that she had an album out because, safe for that one Alan Carr where she stumbled round the studio with a whip and "hilariously" told people to "work bitch", she hasn't done a single scrap of promotion for this record. I mean I know she's busy planning her Vegas show (because God knows Britney is one of the most hands-on popstars in the industry at the moment) and occasionally patting her sons on the head, but she could have made the effort to perform Work Bitch live on at least one occasion, you know what I mean? So when Team Britney realised they needed some quick-fire promotion "on the double" they threw together a web chat where people can ask Britney "Chatterbox" Spears for her opinion on various things.

The only interesting bit was when she revealed that if she could collaborate with one popstar (having released music with pop princesses Miley Cyrus and Jamie Lynn Spears already in 2013), she would choose Lady GaGa because she's "different and interesting" and "intricate". Not sure that's quite how one uses the word "intricate" but who am I to cross Britney "You wanna Maserati" Spears?

Clearly GaGa, the queen of mis-using words in an attempt to appear intelligent and articulate, was impressed because shortly after the web chat, she tweeted this:


You can practically hear Britney at home muttering "oh fuck" to herself, can't you? "WHAT HAVE I DONE? THIS IS GOING TO SERIOUSLY EAT INTO THE TIME I LIKE TO USE ON MY VANILLA CANDLE SHOPPING AND BABYSITTING MY CHILDREN".

Incidentally, "Britney Jean" entered the UK charts at 34. Entries higher than that this week include Rebecca Ferguson's sophomore album, which came in at number 6, as well as the latest albums from Boyzone, James Blunt, Cliff Richard and not one but two albums from Rod Stewart.

OH. DEAR. ME.

3. This year's biggest Christmas hit has arrived.


It's the time of year again when we have low-quality Christmas music rammed down our throats as a way of reminding ourselves a whole 12 months have gone by since last Christmas and you've achieved nothing with your life, so why don't you just lie down in the middle of the street and sob your heart out, while Paul McCartney declares that we're "simply having a wonderful Christmas time". Except it isn't Paul McCartney because whatever shitty shop you're in doesn't have the licence to play the original version, so you're listening to some session singer's version of it instead. HO HO HO.

This year's biggest Christmas offering doesn't come from Kelly Clarkson, who has had sex and got pregnant because of it, or Leona Lewis, who one time got punched in the face, but from the cast of ITV2's The Big Reunion. Because just when you thought that shower of cunts couldn't get any more depressing, they've decided to churn out a Christmas record. For charity, of course, so none of them are actually getting paid for it, they're just happy to be on TV. The irony is, the song they've picked is I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday yet half of them look so pained to be there it looks like Christmas coming once a year is still too much for them, let alone making it a 24/7 experience.

Watch the video for yourself here, and then I'm going to say some things about it:


It kicks off with Atomic Kitten. Kerry, unlike her pregnancy buddy Kelly Clarkson, declared bankruptcy earlier this year, so the song's barely started and you're already depressed thinking about what load of shite her five hundred children will be opening on Christmas. A Sindy doll perhaps? Or an XBox game in an envelope with "Grand Theft Orto" written on in Sharpie. Meanwhile Natasha is swishing herself this way and that in an attempt to make it look like she's enjoying herself, but unfortunately falling flat on her face, which isn't too bad because her comically inflated lips will make a nice soft landing for her.

Liberty X do an unremarkable verse and then comes this sight...


...Kerry Katona dressed up as Santa Claus. Just what every kid needs, you're trying to tell Santa about the new train set you want for Christmas but he won't shut the fuck up about how going to the bank and "filling in loads of forms" is less desirable than selling your soul to Cash Lady.

There's then a completely disheartening group shot for the chorus when all the Big Reunion groups perform together and try and make it look like they're enjoying each other's company when in fact they're all just trying to outdo each other on the "jolly" front and get as much screen-time as possible for their group. There's a lot of "opening my mouth very wide" and "jazz-hands" so people can see just how much this bunch of bell ends really do want it to be Christmas every day. It's like somebody's cloned Same Difference and let them loose with a bag of coke and a festive backing track.

Next to do a solo is 5ive, who there are now only four of, so they should technically be called 5our. While Atomic Kitten were trying too hard to show quite how much fun they were having, 5our are at the other end of the spectrum, tackling I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday with all the seriousness they would if this were actually their tribute song to Nelson Mandela. You almost take them seriously, but unfortunately it's interspersed with shots of them ballroom dancing with pensioners at what looks like Blackpool Tower. Ouch.

And then it's Blue's turn. I fancy all of Blue. Every single one of them. Antony is my favourite. Then Simon. Then Lee. Duncan is a bit of a guilty pleasure, but I still definitely would. They're back to the LOOK AT US HAVING FUN AND CLOWNING ABOUT attitude, and Lee Ryan pulls this face:


Such larks, eh?

AND THEN. JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT CAN'T GET ANY MORE WOEFUL. ABZ/ABS FROM 5IVE/5OUR DOES A RAP.

Yes. He. Does.


Sensationally, to add to the authenticity of this awe-inspiring video, he has chosen to read the rap off his phone. And let's just say this rap rhymes "festive fun" with "love and joy for everyone".

IT'S. FOR. CHARITY.

Sensational.

Well that was quite a horrible blog wasn't it? SORRY CELEBRITIES. I LOVE YOU REALLY
If this bile-infused blog has left a bad taste in your mouth, why not check out this article I wrote for Best about a squirrel? I promise it will make you feel better in no time.
Laters!
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