Thursday, 7 November 2013

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I'm not above shameless self-promotion, no I'm not. So before you enjoy this Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup, why not head over to WhatCulture! and check out my review of Lady GaGa's latest album, which I believe is called ARTPOP but to be honest there hasn't been much tweeting about it so I might be wrong. I'm doing my best but trying to be funny and entertaining without swearing is difficult for me. 

Also, while we're at it, don't forget that every Sunday I host a radio show for the North East's Pride Radio which I am very pleased to be a part of. If you're free on Sundays it's from 2pm-4pm. Put it in your diary. 

And now that I'm done wanking myself off, I'll give you the blog that you came here for in the first place...

1. Justin Bieber blames it on Rio...

How bastard long has my imaginary boyfriend Justin Bieber been on tour for? I feel like every time I log onto a celebrity news site (or, let's be honest, Famous Males Forums) there's a picture of him with his top off onstage in a different major city (not that I'm complaining, obviously, it's just unfortunate that the "revision" folder on my external hard-drive is starting to get very full indeed).

Well in the spirit of perpetually being on tour, Justin Bieber has arrived in Brazil and things aren't going swimmingly, as is the case with a horny 19-year-old so perpetually stoned his next tattoo is going to be the Taco Bell logo (allegedly). The first sign of things not exactly going in Bieber's favour came when this photograph was taken of him leaving what is believed to be a Brazilian brothel...

Subtle, guys. I don't know if they confused this giant fucking sheet for Harry Potter's invisibility cloak but just because you can't see his face doesn't mean we don't know it's Justin fucking Bieber coming out of a brothel (just in case you're wondering, I told him before he left that whatever happens on tour stays on tour so this didn't upset me at all. Unless when he gets back to Hebburn he brings a Brazilian STD with him that is). 

The sensible thing to do would have been for him to strut out and actually speak to the photographers and say "what? That's not a brothel, I was just buying some weed in there" or SOMETHING instead of sneaking out in a sheet that half of Brazil have probably spunked up on. 

The fun didn't stop there, though. Check out this video which was put uploaded earlier today and filmed by a Brazilian woman...

OK, so first of all who knew there was only one "l" in "Brazilian". Wouldn't you think there'd be two? Nope. Only one.

Secondly, who the fuck is this bitch thinking she can just video MY imaginary boyfriend and then blow MY imaginary boyfriend a kiss while he's asleep, probably dreaming of smoking a big joint and then eating some KFC me.

Initial reports suggested the mystery girl filming Bieber was one of the prostitutes he enjoyed the company of while not delighting the people of Brazil with his awe-inspiring music, though Bieber's camp have since denied that. According to Team Bieber, Justin threw a party which was attended by a whole bunch of people at the place where he was staying in Brazil, and while he was passed out one of the guests crept in and took this video. 

If that's true, what a creepy bitch. As God is my witness this lass wants to stay out of my way if she thinks she can just sneak in on MY sleeping angel and video him without any consequences. Bitch, I got my eye on you. I'd stay out of Hebburn if I were you...

2. Paul Gascoigne has a new way of trying to keep sober.

Now yous all know I'm from the North East of England, so Paul Gascoigne is as important to my local culture as Greggs pasties, trousers with slashes up the side of them or the JobCentre, so I'm not here to be a "hater" about a local legend.

The problem is that Paul Gascoigne just keeps being unintentionally hilarious. Now I totally understand that the road to sobriety is a difficult and long one, and I have the upmost respect for Gazza as he tries to turn his life around. But during the recent documentary Being Paul Gascoigne he recited a poem that he had written. It started off fairly emotive but it quickly descended into...

Sen. Actually. Sational. (he then goes on to rhyme "rehab" with "not all that fab").

So anyway, I'm pleased to report that Gazza is managing to stay sober, thanks in part to his new-found hobbies of playing the guitar and the harmonica. He's also taken to going to tattoo studios and getting new body art when he feels like hitting the bottle. Apparently the tattoo artists where he lives in Bournemouth are so determined to keep him off the drink that they're letting him have tattoos for free, which led to this amazing photograph...

That, my friends, is Paul Gascoigne playing Hit The Road Jack on the harmonica while a man tattoos his ex-wife's name onto his arm.


3. What the fuck is going on with James Arthur?

During last year's X Factor finale, all of the acts who'd got through to live shows (except Christopher Maloney who'd called someone a cunt the day before or something) performed a rendition of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, while finalists James Arthur and Jahmene Douglas showed up for the last chorus. When James Arthur came onstage, with a miserable bracket usually reserved for performances of Candle In The Wind rather than a child-friendly Christmas song about how excited you are for Santa showing up, it was obvious that when he won this competition he was not going lie back and do whatever Simon Cowell told him to do.

The thing with James Arthur is that he has a tendency to shoot his mouth off on Twitter which, when your album isn't even out yet, probably isn't any way to go on. If you'd like an example, here is a tweet that James sent out earlier today...

"Bring on the hate I don't wanna be popular". Let's not forget that this is coming from a man who auditioned for The Voice and The X Factor IN THE SAME YEAR, and his audition piece was a song by Tulisa accompanied by a pretty weak sob story.

In comparison, here's a tweet that James sent out not 24 hours before that one...

For those who aren't following that's "thanks for buying my music" followed by "bring on the hate I don't wanna be popular" within 24 hours of each other. All this from a man currently flogging a single called You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You.


Aaaaaaaand that's it.

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