Sunday, 6 October 2013

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Two blogs in two days, eh? What's got into me? Let's have a look back over some recent celebrity stories in all new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Open letters are apparently a thing again.

In today's digital, multimedia world it's even easier for celebrities to throw shade at one another. Cher can tweet "wtf is mdna" and it can be shared around the world in no time. Azealia Banks can respond to her famous "haters" in front of her thousands of followers. And we can all watch in amazement as Amanda Bynes flips opens her OK! magazine, chooses someone at random and then tweets that they're ugly. This, however, was the celebrity feud nobody saw coming. Move over Britney v Christina. Forget Perez v GaGa. The heavyweights are in town. I'm talking, of course, about Sinéad O'Connor and Miley Cyrus.


So it all started when Sinéad O'Connor published an open letter to Miley Cyrus on her official website. Exactly why Sinéad O'Connor felt the need to weigh in on Miley Cyrus's recent behaviour is anyone's guess, although apparently it all started when Miley claimed Sinéad O'Connor was the inspiration for her controversial Wrecking Ball video, where she straddles a wrecking ball naked from the ankles up (though a pair of Doc Marten boots stop any foot fetishists from getting their jollies) and licks a sledge-hammer as if it were a Fab ice lolly. Or a cock.

In her concerned letter, which she explains was written "in the spirit of motherliness and love", Sinéad encourages Miley not to allow herself to be exploited, or let her hyper-sexual image overshadow her music and talent, and to cut out of her life and career any of the people encouraging her to go down the path she's currently on. Some people have accused Sinéad of slut-shaming Miley. I'm not sure whether I'd go that far, but what I will say is Miley Cyrus clearly wasn't happy with Sinéad's criticism. 

Rather than taking the high road on this one, and Christ knows no one loves being high more than Miley "DID YOU HEAR I QUITE LIKE SMOKING WEED FROM TIME TO TIME" Cyrus, she took what Carrie Bradshaw would call "the lowest possible road". Miley took to her Twitter account to post this...

...which is a joke about how Sinéad O'Connor had a bit of a "bad day" on Twitter once, caused by her bi-polar disorder.

YOU KNOW, THAT HILARIOUS ILLNESS. BI-POLAR DISORDER. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. God. What a riot. Watch out Sarah Milican, there's a new funny lady in town.

She then posted this photo...

...another joke at Sinéad's expense, this time about a famous protest she made on Saturday Night Live about the disgusting cover-ups in the Catholic church to protect clergymen who have committed child sex offences.

PRIESTS RAPING CHILDREN? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Another hilarious joke. Well done Miley, you laugh riot. Stop it, gurl, my sides are splitting.

Sinéad O'Connor then....posted another open letter on her website, because the first one was obviously such a success. In her second later she blasted Miley Cyrus for she had abused both herself and Amanda Bynes "who did nothing to deserve your abuse...along with every other sufferer of mental health problems". She also warns Miley Cyrus that her behaviour will one day come back to bite her in the arse, and that if she doesn't issue a public apology and delete the offensive tweets then she'll "have no choice but to bring legal proceedings against you".


She also brings Britney Spears into the mix, who Miley Cyrus shares management with and is supposedly friends with, and says if she were a true friend to Britney then she would publicly apologise to the people she's offended.

As if all that wasn't heavy enough, Kelly Osbourne then weighed in on her Twitter account with this...

Oh no, hang on. That was three years ago. Sorry.

2. Chris Brown hadn't said anything nauseating in a while, but brace yourself.

Smasher-in of Rihanna's face, owner of a giant cock and occasional singer Chris Brown is notorious for coming out with obnoxious and totally odious statements, and yet whenever he does I can't help but be a little bit surprised that somebody has allowed him to spunk out another comment so completely ridiculous.

This time around, he's revealed to The Guardian that he was just 8 years old when he lost his virginity. Of course, we've all seen Chris Brown's penis and it is roughly as long as an average 8 year old is tall, so it's a possibility he was just confused.

Apparently, because he'd hang around with his cousins who were watching a lot of porn at the time, he felt ready for sex at an early age and at just 8 years old he had sex with a girl who was around 14 or 15. According to Chris Brown "it's different in the country". Not sure if he's talking about the area where he grew up, or using "the country" as a derogatory dysphemism for a lady's private parts.

He went on to explain that he's glad he tried sex at such a young age, as it meant that today he can be "a beast at it". What an absolutely nauseating thought. "Most women don't have any complaints if they've been with me. They can't really complain", he claims. No I must admit I've never heard a woman complain after going out with Chris Brown OH WAIT APART FROM THAT ONE WOMAN WHO COMPLAINED TO THE POLICE THAT HE'D CLOBBERED HER ROUND THE FACE.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to scrub myself until I feel clean again.

3. Denise Welch wants an Oscar, or something.

It's a sad day for unemployed people, students and the elderly- Geordie icon and Dancing On Ice participant Denise Welch has decided that after ten years of loudly coughing while guests spoke and distractingly fiddling with her ear-piece, she is going to hang up her manky bra and leave the Loose Women panel.

She made the announcement in today's Sunday Mirror, after it was revealed that Loose Women would be undergoing some kind of "shake-up" including bringing back Coleen Nolan and Kaye Adams (who, incidentally, I have never heard of and I consider myself quite the Loose Women fan) to the panel. 

According to Denise herself she felt, as one of the longest-running faces on the show, that she should have been consulted before certain changes were made. "Our views should mean something and our feelings should be taken into account", she claimed, before adding that she feels the fun has been taken out of the show.

As a closing statement she said, "people forget I'm an award-winning actress. It's important to me that I remind people of that". 

OK, wow. So first off, the awards she is talking about are TV Quick Awards, for which she won "Best Actress" for her performance in Waterloo Road three years running. Now, admittedly, I have won zero TV Quick Awards so I'm not in any position to downplay Denise's achievements. But when I think about award-winning actresses I think about Jennifer Lawrence falling on her arse at the Academy Awards, or Sally Field crying as she received her Oscar. I do not think about this:

Secondly, Denise, if you want to remind people you're an "award winning actress" then all you have to do is do some acting. Going on some load of shite reality TV show like Stepping Out is not the way to remind people you are a gifted actor.

That said I like Denise Welch a whole lot and she will be a big miss on Loose Women, especially so quickly after Carol McGiffen made her dramatic exit as well. Hopefully they'll leave the door open for her should she want to come back.

The question now is who should they get to replace her..?

1. Kimberley Walsh - would be happy for the work, is younger than most of the panel, and would have some good stories.
2. Emma Willis - is a delight, and has done it before.
3. Jennifer Saunders - actually has a brain in her head, and after Viva Forever went down like a cup of cold sick, she's got a lot of time on her hands.
4. Sinéad O'Connor - she'd actually have a platform to air her views, and wouldn't have to resort to writing open letters every minute of the day.

And so ends another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

1 comment:

  1. Two days in a row, I've snorted most attractively whilst laughing at your posts. Amazing.