Wednesday, 30 October 2013

NMEeeeeeh: Eminem, Aiden Grimshaw and Avril Lavigne.

Would you like to hear some music? Would you like to read my opinions on said music? Would you like a speedboat? Well only two of those three things will come true if you read this blog (you'll have to wait till the end to find out which, though), I THINK it's time for an all new NMEeeeeeh...

Eminem - The Monster, feat. Rihanna
Available now

Right in time for Halloween, Eminem has unveiled The Monster, his third collaboration with Rihanna after Love The Way You Lie (parts 1&2). When these two get together it's usually a great success, so my expectations were pretty high before I listened to this, although at the same time the tracks Eminem has released so far from his upcoming album The Marshall Mathers LP 2 have seen him referring to people as "faggots" like he has been throughout his entire career. And what do we do when straight men call people "faggots"? WE OGLE THEM WITH THEIR TOPS OFF, OF COURSE!!




Now the objectification of the straight man is out of the way, I can get on with listening to his new song, which features Rihanna who the last time we saw her was teaching Miley Cyrus a thing or two about twerking in her Pour It Up video. Wow.

The Monster opens with Rihanna belting, which is always a promising way to begin. "I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed", she sings, which sets the tone for the rest of the song. Eminem's rapping is quick-fire and erratic in the style that he's become well-known for, and he quickly switches between voices and changes the mood, one minute he's talking seriously and the next he's putting on voices and howling like a wolf.

It might not surprise you to hear this, particularly given my opening description of Eminem mentioned nothing of his back catalogue but did contain three shirtless pictures of him, but I don't listen to a lot of rap music and consequently don't know an awful lot about it. What I do know, however, is that this is a really great song and once again Rihanna and Eminem have made fantastic music together, which I urge you to check out for yourself by listening below...

While this time around it's Rihanna he's collaborating with, let's reflect on Eminem collaborations gone by as we ask-- how many Didos out of 5 does The Monster get..?

Aiden Grimshaw - Satisfy Me
Released 26th November

Those of you with a good memory will recall plucky young Aiden Grimshaw from the seventh series (otherwise known as THE BEST SERIES) of The X Factor we he performed Mad World in what appeared to be a straitjacket and did a weird version of Thriller for Halloween week with a lot of eye-liner on. He got booted out far too early (that week he was up against national treasure Katie Waissel , so you can see why he wasn't spared) and went on to release an album, which was accompanied by the single Is This Love which I still listen to from time to time, because it is canny good.

Well Aiden Grimshaw has undergone a bit of a re-brand and is now known as just Aiden, a move which I think is stupid and thus will be ignoring. He's also ditched his famed quiff hairstyle and in his new promo photo is shirtless with a snake around his neck. He's done that really annoying thing gay men do on Instagram where they post a shirtless photo from the neck upwards, which is usually accompanied by a caption like "new haircut" or "off to bed, sleeeeepy time" when in fact the caption might as well say "WELL LOOK AT YOU THINKING ABOUT ME SHIRTLESS, BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT I HAVEN'T EVEN SHOWN YOU ANY NIP ITS ALL YOUR DOING". God, gay men are the worst.

Getting back to the artist formerly known as Aiden Grimshaw, considering he appears to have undergone a more "serious" re-brand his new track Satisfy Me is actually surprisingly pop, and was co-written with Dimitri Tikovoi who has worked with Sophie Ellis-Bextor and NICOLA ROBERTS. The bridge to the song is spoken, which I'm not a massive fan of, but the chorus is catchy and the production is excellent.

Have a listen to Satisfy Me yourself here BUT BE WARNED THERE IS A SWEAR WORD IN IT:

Not bad at all. I'm just very confused by the re-brand. Dido?

Avril Lavigne - Bad Girl, feat. Marilyn Manson
Released 4th November, as part of Avril Lavigne's self-titled new album

In recent years Marilyn Manson has collaborated with Lady GaGa and been the soundtrack to a Britney Spears tour interlude, so it was only a matter of time before he fell into the clutches of Avril Lavigne. The two have formed an unlikely alliance, and recorded the song Bad Girl together which made its online debut yesterday and features on Avril's upcoming album the imaginatively titled Avril Lavigne (but still, at least it's not a worse name than Goodbye Lullaby, blech!).

Bad Girl opens with Marilyn Manson muttering "just lay your head in daddy's lap, you're a bad girl" which in itself is terrifying and makes me not want to listen to the rest of the song. The guitar riff kicks in and sounds decidedly more heavy metal than anything we've heard from Avril in a very long time, and the lyrics are undoubtedly the most sexual she's ever made, "you know that I'm a little tease, tease", she sings. The chorus features the concerning line "choke me because I said so", while Manson's contribution to the song is reduced to a few shouts and screams here and there.

Basically, the song is a total racket and the lyrics are embarrassing. It's probably worth listening to once or twice if you're a fan of Avril Lavigne, or Marilyn Manson for that matter, but it's nowhere near her best work. Still here it is if you want to judge for yourself...

However, I'm not rating the song very highly at all, if I'm honest...

Aaaaaaaand that's all.

Previous NMEeeeeh blogs

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

NMEeeeeeh: Lady GaGa, Chromeo and One Direction.

You know what they say about blogs and buses? Nothing. They say nothing about them. Here's a brand new edition of NMEeeeeeh...

Lady GaGa - Venus
Available now

Hey. Hey GaGa. GaGa? Hey...what's your favourite type of Gillette razor?

Literally amazing.

So I mentioned in yesterday's blog that on an appearance on The X Factor, Lady GaGa delivered a fairly erratic and bewildering performance of her new single Venus, which she made available to the general public yesterday.

Venus seems to have really got a lot of people's goat, and I have seen a lot of criticism of the song on blogs and Twitter. People don't like the production (which GaGa did all by herself!), the unusual lyrics "Aphrodite lady, seashell bikini", the strange voice GaGa puts on while she murmurs the word "Venus" in the verses and her "why have one chorus when you could have four" attitude to songwriting.

While I do take all of that criticism on board, and I really have tried to see what people are talking about, I just can't help but love Venus. True, it does not hit you as instantaneously as previous ARTPOP cut Do What U Want (feat. R "Pissyknickers" Kelly) but then they are two completely different songs and while musically Do What U Want seems like the more simplistic song, it's actually Venus which is more simplistic and less "yes this actually isn't about what you think it is BECAUSE I AM AN ARTIST, OK?????" lyrically.

And THAT CHORUS. Say what you like about GaGa trying too hard in the run-up, but when that "when you touch me I die" chorus kicks in there's no denying that it is total pop perfection, particularly the "wonder if this could be love...this could be love" line. Plus there is a middle 8 where GaGa starts listing the planets in a totally random order ("Mercury...Venus uhhh huhhh...Uranus...DON'T YOU KNOW MY ASS IS FAMOUS??") which some people have said is too much, but personally I actually find it laugh out loud. 

More to the point, every time I look at this...

...I love the song a little bit more. Fancy giving it a listen..?

In honour of the unwittingly controversial birthday cake that GaGa sent to Kelly Osbourne, today's songs will be measured out of five birthday cakes. So how many birthday cakes does Venus get?

And I'm not even sorry.

Chromeo - Sexy Socialite
Release TBA

I first came across Chromeo when I was on my year abroad (if there was ever a more odious way to start a sentence than that I don't know what it is) and so the music from their last album Business Casual holds a special place in my heart. So when Daft Punk came back earlier this year with what was basically a Chromeo song with Pharrell Williams on vocals it did make me think "come along, lads, now might be a good time to whack out some new material".

Clearly, they had the same idea, and a few days ago their new single Sexy Socialite appeared online. The song is, unsurprisingly, about a "sexy socialite". The aforementioned is "out to socialise" and she's "always so polite" and she's "out to tantalise". It's everything you can count on Chromeo to deliver, cool-sounding dance music that manages to strike a perfect balance between sounding current and sounding retro.

My complaint with this song is the same complaint I had when I first heard Ke$ha's Die Young, this is the first release Chromeo have put out since 2010, yet this song doesn't show any kind of progress from the last time we heard from them. I totally understand the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" approach, and I'd rather people stick to what they know then put out a load of garbage just in the name of experimenting, but at the same time if you're going to take three years to put a song out I'd like to at least understand why it took so long to make at the end of it all.

And so, just for you, here is the new Chromeo single Sexy Socialite...

And here is a picture of some birthday cakes to illustrate my opinion on the song...

One Direction - Story Of My Life
Available now

Josh, JJ, George and Jaymi are back with the second single from their upcoming album Midnight Memories and this time they've decided to slow the pace down. In my opinion ballads have never been One Direction's strong point, I much prefer their catchier and more fun songs like Kiss You and Best Song Ever for the simple reason they're much more likely to get their tops off in the music video if the song is upbeat. Know what I'm saying?

Interestingly, Story Of My Life is the first single One Direction have ever released which they have a co-writing credit for. What this unfortunately means is that the song is influenced by the music that One Direction are listening to themselves, and One Direction are five heterosexual lads aged 19-21-- what the fuck do they know about good music?

Terrible. Just terrible.

The bad thing is, the influence of this devil music is all too apparent on Story Of My Life which has all the guitar plucking and husky vocals and "wistfully looking out of the train window" vibe that you'd expect five heterosexual lads to come up with left to their own devices to come up with a song idea. It isn't really a "bad song", but at the same time it doesn't exactly go "oh oh oh" and then "yeah yeah yeah" and then "OHHHHHHHHH" if you know what I mean.

Time for some real talk, though. I don't care if they're "maturing" or "trying something new" or "making the music they themselves would actually listen to", this shite is not what I want a five-piece boyband managed by Simon Cowell to be coming out with. I want fun and laughs and lyrics like "yeah-eah-eah yeah-eah-eah yeah-eah-eah" and "woah-oh-oh oh oh oh" and if they can fit a "na na na na na na na na na na na na" in there that would be great too. Story Of My Life has none of that. NONE OF IT.


Better than that shower of shite Little Things, anyway.

Aaaaaand that's that.

Monday, 28 October 2013

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Just in case you've missed these totally important newsworthy tidbits from the past few days, or if you just fancy a cheap laugh at someone else's expense, why don't you walk with me into the sunset of celebrity in an all new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Kelly Osbourne does not want that cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake.

Who knew cake could cause so much controversy, eh?

So, the story goes that once upon a time a lady called Kelly Osbourne was inundated with aggressive tweets after she said that Lady GaGa not walking the red carpet at the 2012 Grammys was "disrespectful" (in fact, the reason GaGa hadn't walked the carpet was out of respect for the recent death of Whitney Houston, but that is neither hither nor thither). 

As you can predict, GaGa's insane Twitter fans went in HARD on Kelly Osbourne, which Kelly claimed went against what GaGa represented as an artist against bullying and the like. After one fan told Kelly to "kill yourself! for your own sake, pls do it", Kelly Osbourne suggested that Lady GaGa's fans really were "little monsters", the name GaGa herself nicknamed them way back in the day.

Surprisingly, rather than talking a load of "love not hate", "let's make art not hate", "let the bees of art carry nectar from the flower of pop" bullshit, Lady GaGa actually published an open letter to Kelly Osbourne where she called her a hypocrite (!!) and said that her show Fashion Police "breeds negativity".

Ouch. And, of course, it all unraveled over the weeks and months with Kelly's mother chucking her hat into the ring until we arrive at last night. To bring you up to speed, Kelly's mother Sharon Osbourne is currently judging on The X Factor here in the UK, where GaGa was scheduled to perform. It then emerged that Sharon and GaGa were hanging out at G-A-Y last night and managed to resolve their differences, the night before what happened to be Kelly Osbourne's birthday. GaGa then presented Sharon with a cake to give to Kelly, bearing the message "Happy Birthday Kelly". 

And how did Kelly react to this photograph of her mother and someone she'd been in a very public feud with smiling and brandishing a birthday cake...? 

Oh. Oh alright then. Did she leave it there...?

No, no she did not. #EatMyShit. Outstanding.

When GaGa's fans once again decided to send Kelly a barrage of negative tweets, she stepped in this time and issued this statement.

Of course, focusing on "the positive" of her performance is easier said than done as well, because it was total bollocks. She opened the show strumming a guitar before chucking herself in an over-choreographed number to her space-inspired new single Venus. I don't want to start pointing the finger or suggesting anything, but she did seem slightly erratic and clumsy and a little hyperactive. Perhaps she'd overdone it on the Lucozade OR PERHAPS SHE'D HAD HERSELF A BIG FAT BUMP OF COCAINE BEFORE SHE CAME ONSTAGE oops of course not, GOD FORBID NO ONE AROUND HERE IS SUGGESTING ANYTHING THAT DEFAMING OR LIBELLOUS, NOSSIREEBOB.

For the second half of the performance her dancers fucked off and she performed her other new single (y'know, the one she put out and everyone loved so she was like OH YEAH THIS WAS THE PLAN ALL ALONG, SILLY, I ALWAYS WANTED TO PUT THIS OUT AS A SINGLE) Do What U Want which features Mr. Pissyknickers himself, R Kelly. It had some very unusual choreography where she threw herself on the floor, jumped around a bit and then sat down and played some piano before climbing on top of it and howling at the moon like a mentalist.

In case you missed the total shitshow of a performance from Lady GaGa, you can watch it here:

It all culminates in a conversation with Dermot O'Leary so utterly awkward that she, at one point, begins speaking in Sofia Vergara's Colombian accent. Very strange.

Hey, do you remember that time when Lady GaGa could get away with literally anything and people would still say she was brilliant? So does Lady GaGa. In fact in Lady GaGa's head, and literally no one else's who doesn't have the word "monster" or "Germanotta" in their Twitter username, that time still exists. But it doesn't. GaGa clearly thinks that every Tom, Dick and Harry watching X Factor on a Sunday night has been waiting for ARTPOP with baited breath. But they haven't, in the time since she's been away they've been living their lives. 

The problem is, she's come out as if nothing has changed, but frankly it has. It's not that people are "tired" of Lady GaGa or she's got "boring" or anything like that, but that above performance just isn't accessible to everybody is it? In fact, it was just total nonsense. Meaningless nonsense.

Hey. Hey GaGa? Gaga? Hey. Who's your favourite of the Roman gods..?

GaGa? Hey GaGa. What's your favourite planet in our solar system..?

Oh. Hey GaGa. Hey. Hey GaGa? GaGa? What's your favourite unincorporated community in Florida..?

Hey GaGa. What's your, erm...who's your favourite of the Williams sisters..?

Hey Kelly. What do you, erm....what do you think of Dannii Minogue..?


Moving on.

2. Everything is ship-shape and shiny with Kim Kardashian, thank you very much.

You'll be pleased to hear, everyone, that the miracle of child birth has not totally destroyed Kim Kardashian's money maker vagina.

Yes the woman who kept a piece of chewing gum in her mouth even when being taken roughly from behind in her infamous sex tape has kept it as classy as ever by revealing that days after giving birth to her ridiculously named daughter North West she had a look at her fanny in the mirror.

In an episode of the brain cell-destroying Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim confided in sister Khloe Kardashian (and, y'know, the millions of people watching): "When I came back from the hospital the first thing I did was go and look at my vagina in the mirror. It looks better looking than before".

Well let's face it, North West's birth wasn't exactly the first strenuous adventure for Kim's vagina, was it? In my head Kim sneezed North West out, if I'm being honest.

Meanwhile, last week Kim and long-term boyfriend Kanye West got engaged, and while he was proposing he had an orchestra play one of his own songs. Of course he fucking did. The only surprising thing about Kanye's proposal is that he didn't get Kim to put on a mask of his own face to make his "I love you" sound a bit more sincere.

Christ alive.

3. Chris Brown risks it all in the name of casual homophobia.

Occasional singer and perpetual cunt Chris Brown is in the news again. Can you guess why? Remember when he punched Rihanna in the face and then said he was going to stop punching people in the face? And then remember when he punched Frank Ocean in the face and said he was going to stop punching people in the face? Well, Chris Brown has only gone and PUNCHED SOMEONE ELSE IN THE FACE.

Not just anyone, though, but a fan.

What allegedly transpired was that Chris Brown was taking a photo with a female fan when her mate, Isaac Adams Parker, tried to get in on the photo as well. That silly sausage Chris Brown didn't take too kindly to that, and reacted by punching the lad in the face with the comment "I'm not into this gay shit, I'm into boxing".

Once again, that's "I'm not into this gay shit, I'm into boxing". And a smack in the chops.

What Chris Brown seems to have temporarily forgotten is that he is still on probation for attacking his ex-girlfriend Rihanna back in 2009, and so after being arrested it could well be that Chris Brown ends up in the slammer for violating the terms of his probation.

At least one thing we can all take away from this is the knowledge that Chris Brown is not interested in any "gay shit", and please let me speak on behalf of all of my gay and bisexual brethren and say: Chris Brown, we're not interested in your "shit" either. So you might as well have saved yourself a punch. You horrible and insufferable cunt.

Aaaaaaaaaaand that's it.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

For some reason I just can't seem to stop blogging at the moment. If you need to catch up then I wrote about Paris Hilton's new single here, the Sinéad O'Connor/Miley Cyrus feud here and talked about how fit JLS are here. Now you're bang up to date, let's have a look at some recent celebrity stories in an all new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup... 

1. Madonna trolls everybody for about a minute and a half.

She might already be the reigning queen of erratic Instagramming, but last night for the first time in a very long time, the Queen of Pop returned to Twitter. Unfortunately it was in conjunction with her growing-ever-more-tedious ArtForFreedom project where she encourages people to express themselves through art and post it on her ArtForFreedom website where other people can look at it and feel inspired to do art. Or freedom. Or something. I don't know, I stopped paying attention.

The idea yesterday evening was that people tweeted Madonna with their artwork, in whatever form it was, and she told them what she thought of it. Because if anyone knows art, it's this woman.

She was her usual straight-to-the-point self, not sugar-coating her words or suffering any time-wasters. Here, for example, was her reaction to a poem somebody had written...

And this was her advice for one fan who asked @Madona how he could change the world...


The point when she got everybody talking, however, was with this tweet... which point I very quickly lost my shit. Only for Madonna to then follow it very quickly with this tweet...

"Strumming my ukulele". How graphic.

2. Nicola Roberts parties with her ex-colleagues.

Nicola Roberts used to be in a band called Girls Aloud. They were OK, I suppose. And by "OK" I mean they were "the finest British act to launch in the last 20 years, and every day I curse the day they split and pray it was all a hoax and when I wake up and realise it wasn't all a dream I put on Whole Lotta History and cry until the pain goes away, which sometimes isn't for hours". I suppose.

Anyway, it was Nicola's birthday a few days, and she decided to go to Amsterdam where it's been reported she spent a wholesome weekend taking in the sights, looking round the Anne Frank museum and picking out a pair of clogs to take home to her mam. She also uploaded this photo of herself onto Instagram, partying with fellow Girls Aloud singers Cheryl Cole and Kimberley Walsh, seemingly having her toe sucked by a lady in a gimp mask.

Good, clean family fun.

One member of Girls Aloud notably absent from the party was Sarah Harding. She was interviewed on the red carpet at the Pride of Britain Awards (where, curiously, she was sitting with Jack Whitehall-- are they a couple? Are they friends? What's going on there?) and asked whether she had been at the party, where she confessed the party was "not my scene, darling".

She gets 10/10 for a camp response, I'll give her that much.

Meanwhile, Nadine Coyle was probably too busy being pregnant to do anything except buying designer baby clothes and admiring my hair. Amazing.

3. #breakIntoSomeonesHouseAndStealThereUnderwearDay

Liam Payne, otherwise known as One Direction's answer to Gary Barlow, is not happy. He revealed a few days ago on his Twitter page that while sleeping "butt naked" in his hotel room (my pupils are already like dinner plates but I will continue) he was awoken by mental One Direction fans on his balcony trying to break in...

After, presumably, having said fans removed from the premises, Liam thought the strangeness for the day was over. However, just 18 short minutes later he was back on Twitter, with another mystery to solve...

Yes, it's that age old problem which faces us all at one time or another- someone running off with your underwear when you least expect it.

He went on to explain that earlier that day, he and Louis Tomlinson (who, apparently, is also in One Direction) had been in the sea together (not frolicking gaily, as idyllic as I'm sure that would have been, at least in my head) and afterwards he'd left the aforementioned boxer shorts out to dry on his balcony overnight. There are actually photos of Louis and Liam out surfing together, and it would be rude not to post one, wouldn't it?

Just lovely.

Thankfully, Liam was able to see the humour in it all, cracking this hilarious "LOL BUT SRSLY FOLKS I AM HETEROSEXUAL" funny on Twitter...

Wrong use of "there", but I suppose you don't need to be able to spell when you're that hot, do you?

The mystery of Liam's missing underwear is perhaps something we could solve together. Shortly before Grand Theft Boxers, this photo was taken of Liam, and it is believed to be the last time they were photographed...

...before this paparazzi shot shows him after the traumatic incident, clearly without underwear...


Anyway, I urge the culprit to return the boxers to their rightful owner.

Because it definitely wasn't me who took them. Definitely not. 


Tuesday, 8 October 2013

NMEeeeeeh: Paris Hilton, Pitbull and Justin Bieber.

Judging from the title of this blog, containing the words "Paris Hilton", "Pitbull" and "Justin Bieber", you'd be forgiven for thinking this was a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Bellend Roundup, but in fact they all have new songs out, and now I am going to tell you whether any of them are up to much in a new edition of NMEeeeeeh.

Paris Hilton, feat. Lil Wayne - Good Time
Release TBA

It's been over seven long years since Paris Hilton released her debut album, the imaginatively titled Paris, which contained such musical treats as the reggae-lite Stars Are Blind, the Dr.-Luke-before-he-was-even-Dr.-Luke Nothing In This World and Grease-inspired I Want You. It was truly a mixed bag, but honestly when it was good it was really good.

Well after a break from the music industry, and fading almost completely into irrelevancy thanks to the rise of the Kardashians, Paris has finally made her musical comeback in the form Good Time, produced by Afrojack and featuring grotesque rapper and sizzurp-endorser Lil Wayne.

I'm not even kidding here, four seconds into this song and it's abundantly clear that it is going to be exactly what you'd expect from a woman in 2013 whose star, which never shone all that brightly to begin with, has now been almost completely extinguished. Four seconds in there have been three dated-sounding Ultrabeat-esque synth chimes and an AutoTuned "oh I love it", cooed from Miss Hilton herself, and the whole thing already sounds like something Jessica Wright from The Only Way Is Essex would deem too cheap-sounding for her own record. 

And then, lying around in a bikini like only Paris Hilton can, the chorus kicks in...

Are you having a good time?
'Cos I'm having a good time already Paris has rhymed "good time" with "good time". Sensational.

And I may be a bit tipsy
But it's OK 'cos you're with me.


My favourite part is when Lil Wayne shows up for his (of course, awful) rap, which opens with "I'm fucked up, I don't know what's what" which presumably is his way of defending the fact he agreed to appear on this terrible song.

Seriously, people, this song is just bad. It actually sounds like what would happen if somebody gave Regina George's mother a recording contract. I'm not kidding, this isn't so much "so bad it's good" as "so 'so bad it's good' it's bad". The production is cheap-sounding, which is ironic since Paris Hilton basically shits money. Meanwhile the lyrics are so unimaginative that if you took a shot for every time Paris sang the word "shot" you'd probably end up as fucked up as Paris Hilton typically is when she gets behind the wheel of her car.

If you don't believe me, then you can listen to Good Time yourself here:

Remarkable. It just goes to show that with enough money it doesn't matter you have all the charisma and talent as a bag of oranges! Hooray for that! Inspired by this thought, how many Monopoly men out of five does Paris Hilton's new single get?


Pitbull - Timber, feat. Ke$ha
Release TBA

And from one person who has no business making music to another- Pitbull has a new single out and this time he's dragging Ke$ha down with him! HOORAY!

The song opens with a harmonica solo, before Ke$ha comes in from the chorus. It's nice to hear that she's decided to ditch the AutoTune for a change and show off what is actually a very nice singing voice. When I heard the song was called Timber I did fear it would be a song about erections, but it's actually all to do with a party "going down" ("it's going down, I'm yelling 'timber', you better move, you better dance), which is good because there just aren't enough songs about partying in the charts at the moment, so well done to Pitbull for exploring this underused musical territory.

While Ke$ha's chorus is very catchy (who knows, she might actually get a top 10 hit with this one!?), Pitbull's rapping verses are pretty much what you'd expect from him, with lyrics like "I have 'em like Miley Cyrus, clothes off, twerking in their bras and thongs". What a wordsmith.

You can hear Timber for yourself by clicking below:

But how is it doing on the Monopoly man scale?

Better than that bastard Paris Hilton song, anyway.


Justin Welsh (né Bieber) - Heartbreaker
Available to download now

Now, for a long time Justin Bieber has been teasing his fans on his Instagram account with images like this, implying he had some kind of new music coming soon. More to the point, he's been teasing me on his Instagram account with images like this, this and this. Wow. Just wow.

Anyway, yesterday Justin put his latest offering Heartbreaker online, the first track from his upcoming album. While I've made no secret about the sordid activities I'd like Justin Bieber and myself to participate in, one thing I'm less sure of is his music. Some of his songs (I'm talking Somebody To Love, As Long As You Love Me and, to a lesser extent Beauty and a Beat) are pretty good. Some of his songs are just OK. And some of them are a steaming pile of poo.

His new song falls into the second camp. It's actually got an *NSync slow jam vibe around it, with lyrics about inviting a lass to a "secret place" and "standing in the rain" (I can only hope and pray that in the accompanying video Biebs will actually be standing in the rain). 

Sound-wise it's the most mature thing Justin has put out yet (though he's hardly got competition from songs like Baby and One Time has he?), and there's an actual TALKING bit where he says "So what I'm really trying to say spite of all the imperfections that I have I still wanna be your man".


Give Heartbreaker a listen, and try if you can not to pre-judge it just because it's Justin Bieber. If you can overlook this fact, it's not half bad:

And so, where does the new Bieber offering fall on the scale of the Monopoly man?

Good stuff.

And so, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to spend the next hour or so (or, y'know, four to five minutes...) gazing at Justin Bieber's Instagram page.


Sunday, 6 October 2013

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Two blogs in two days, eh? What's got into me? Let's have a look back over some recent celebrity stories in all new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Open letters are apparently a thing again.

In today's digital, multimedia world it's even easier for celebrities to throw shade at one another. Cher can tweet "wtf is mdna" and it can be shared around the world in no time. Azealia Banks can respond to her famous "haters" in front of her thousands of followers. And we can all watch in amazement as Amanda Bynes flips opens her OK! magazine, chooses someone at random and then tweets that they're ugly. This, however, was the celebrity feud nobody saw coming. Move over Britney v Christina. Forget Perez v GaGa. The heavyweights are in town. I'm talking, of course, about Sinéad O'Connor and Miley Cyrus.


So it all started when Sinéad O'Connor published an open letter to Miley Cyrus on her official website. Exactly why Sinéad O'Connor felt the need to weigh in on Miley Cyrus's recent behaviour is anyone's guess, although apparently it all started when Miley claimed Sinéad O'Connor was the inspiration for her controversial Wrecking Ball video, where she straddles a wrecking ball naked from the ankles up (though a pair of Doc Marten boots stop any foot fetishists from getting their jollies) and licks a sledge-hammer as if it were a Fab ice lolly. Or a cock.

In her concerned letter, which she explains was written "in the spirit of motherliness and love", Sinéad encourages Miley not to allow herself to be exploited, or let her hyper-sexual image overshadow her music and talent, and to cut out of her life and career any of the people encouraging her to go down the path she's currently on. Some people have accused Sinéad of slut-shaming Miley. I'm not sure whether I'd go that far, but what I will say is Miley Cyrus clearly wasn't happy with Sinéad's criticism. 

Rather than taking the high road on this one, and Christ knows no one loves being high more than Miley "DID YOU HEAR I QUITE LIKE SMOKING WEED FROM TIME TO TIME" Cyrus, she took what Carrie Bradshaw would call "the lowest possible road". Miley took to her Twitter account to post this...

...which is a joke about how Sinéad O'Connor had a bit of a "bad day" on Twitter once, caused by her bi-polar disorder.

YOU KNOW, THAT HILARIOUS ILLNESS. BI-POLAR DISORDER. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. God. What a riot. Watch out Sarah Milican, there's a new funny lady in town.

She then posted this photo...

...another joke at Sinéad's expense, this time about a famous protest she made on Saturday Night Live about the disgusting cover-ups in the Catholic church to protect clergymen who have committed child sex offences.

PRIESTS RAPING CHILDREN? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Another hilarious joke. Well done Miley, you laugh riot. Stop it, gurl, my sides are splitting.

Sinéad O'Connor then....posted another open letter on her website, because the first one was obviously such a success. In her second later she blasted Miley Cyrus for she had abused both herself and Amanda Bynes "who did nothing to deserve your abuse...along with every other sufferer of mental health problems". She also warns Miley Cyrus that her behaviour will one day come back to bite her in the arse, and that if she doesn't issue a public apology and delete the offensive tweets then she'll "have no choice but to bring legal proceedings against you".


She also brings Britney Spears into the mix, who Miley Cyrus shares management with and is supposedly friends with, and says if she were a true friend to Britney then she would publicly apologise to the people she's offended.

As if all that wasn't heavy enough, Kelly Osbourne then weighed in on her Twitter account with this...

Oh no, hang on. That was three years ago. Sorry.

2. Chris Brown hadn't said anything nauseating in a while, but brace yourself.

Smasher-in of Rihanna's face, owner of a giant cock and occasional singer Chris Brown is notorious for coming out with obnoxious and totally odious statements, and yet whenever he does I can't help but be a little bit surprised that somebody has allowed him to spunk out another comment so completely ridiculous.

This time around, he's revealed to The Guardian that he was just 8 years old when he lost his virginity. Of course, we've all seen Chris Brown's penis and it is roughly as long as an average 8 year old is tall, so it's a possibility he was just confused.

Apparently, because he'd hang around with his cousins who were watching a lot of porn at the time, he felt ready for sex at an early age and at just 8 years old he had sex with a girl who was around 14 or 15. According to Chris Brown "it's different in the country". Not sure if he's talking about the area where he grew up, or using "the country" as a derogatory dysphemism for a lady's private parts.

He went on to explain that he's glad he tried sex at such a young age, as it meant that today he can be "a beast at it". What an absolutely nauseating thought. "Most women don't have any complaints if they've been with me. They can't really complain", he claims. No I must admit I've never heard a woman complain after going out with Chris Brown OH WAIT APART FROM THAT ONE WOMAN WHO COMPLAINED TO THE POLICE THAT HE'D CLOBBERED HER ROUND THE FACE.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to scrub myself until I feel clean again.

3. Denise Welch wants an Oscar, or something.

It's a sad day for unemployed people, students and the elderly- Geordie icon and Dancing On Ice participant Denise Welch has decided that after ten years of loudly coughing while guests spoke and distractingly fiddling with her ear-piece, she is going to hang up her manky bra and leave the Loose Women panel.

She made the announcement in today's Sunday Mirror, after it was revealed that Loose Women would be undergoing some kind of "shake-up" including bringing back Coleen Nolan and Kaye Adams (who, incidentally, I have never heard of and I consider myself quite the Loose Women fan) to the panel. 

According to Denise herself she felt, as one of the longest-running faces on the show, that she should have been consulted before certain changes were made. "Our views should mean something and our feelings should be taken into account", she claimed, before adding that she feels the fun has been taken out of the show.

As a closing statement she said, "people forget I'm an award-winning actress. It's important to me that I remind people of that". 

OK, wow. So first off, the awards she is talking about are TV Quick Awards, for which she won "Best Actress" for her performance in Waterloo Road three years running. Now, admittedly, I have won zero TV Quick Awards so I'm not in any position to downplay Denise's achievements. But when I think about award-winning actresses I think about Jennifer Lawrence falling on her arse at the Academy Awards, or Sally Field crying as she received her Oscar. I do not think about this:

Secondly, Denise, if you want to remind people you're an "award winning actress" then all you have to do is do some acting. Going on some load of shite reality TV show like Stepping Out is not the way to remind people you are a gifted actor.

That said I like Denise Welch a whole lot and she will be a big miss on Loose Women, especially so quickly after Carol McGiffen made her dramatic exit as well. Hopefully they'll leave the door open for her should she want to come back.

The question now is who should they get to replace her..?

1. Kimberley Walsh - would be happy for the work, is younger than most of the panel, and would have some good stories.
2. Emma Willis - is a delight, and has done it before.
3. Jennifer Saunders - actually has a brain in her head, and after Viva Forever went down like a cup of cold sick, she's got a lot of time on her hands.
4. Sinéad O'Connor - she'd actually have a platform to air her views, and wouldn't have to resort to writing open letters every minute of the day.

And so ends another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.