Thursday, 11 July 2013

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Here's a laugh for you. You know this silly little blog where I make fun of celebrities and rate supposedly new pop songs that have actually usually already been online for days on how many "bald Britneys" out of five they merit? Well the writer of this pedantic little skid-mark on the underpants of celebrity and pop music reporting is graduating from University tomorrow with first class honours in Journalism. Is that the most hilarious thing you've ever heard, or what? AND IF YOU THINK THAT WAS HILARIOUS THEN BRACE YOURSELVES because it is time for an all new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Amanda Bynes is taking court as seriously as you might imagine.

The reason the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup is as infrequent as a Ciccone menstrual cycle these days is that it's just not very nice is it? Making fun of vulnerable celebrities and speculating about my fellow humans' personal lives just for the sake of a cheap laugh is not something I especially want for myself. That's why you're more likely to see me writing my NMEeeeeeh feature on the blog these days than laying into some celebrities, and that's also why if you follow me on Twitter you'll notice I've tried to keep as far away from the Amanda Bynes breakdown as possible.

There's obviously something not quite right with Amanda Bynes, either she's struggling from some sort of mental illness or she's under the influence of some kind of narcotic, or perhaps she's just going through a bad patch, but either way while it's good for a cheap laugh I can't help but feel sorry for old Amanda Bynes, and have been quite surprised at some of the people on Twitter who identify both as feminists and mental health advocates gleefully kicking Amanda Bynes when she's down. The difference between Amanda Bynes's troubles compared with stars like Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan is that this time around we have Twitter for Amanda to frantically publish every thought that enters her head online around the clock. I know everyone wants to act like Amanda Bynes's breakdown is a comedic gift from God, but honestly the whole thing just makes me a bit sad. Amanda Bynes used to be a gifted comedy actor, and I'd quite like her to get through the other side of whatever it is that's going on with her and prove that she does have talent, and there's more to her than mental selfies and face piercings.

That said...she has done something hilarious and iconic that I am now going to celebrate.

So, Amanda Bynes took a break from choosing celebrities at random on Twitter to call "ugly" and went to court the other day where she was faced charges of reckless endangerment and tampering with physical evidence. In other words, she was so paranoid and stoned during a police raid that she picked up her bong and threw it out of the window of her apartment. On the 36th floor. Allegedly.

Clearly taking the case seriously, she was photographed on her way into the courthouse in Manhattan wearing sunglasses, workout clothes and a turquoise wig reminiscent of Nicki Minaj circa 2010. Uh. May. Zing.

To be fair to Amanda, she is actually looking pretty banging.

As anyone who's watched Here Comes Honey Boo Boo will tell you, all it takes is a wig for someone to bring the sass, and this was clearly the case for Amanda Bynes who just two days later was then videoed alone on the streets of Manahttan putting on her best "bad bitch strut" and pulling some serious shapes.

Werq it, Bynesy!

2. Azealia Banks thinks your kids are ugly.

Speaking of celebrities who need to have their Twitter shutdown by their management immediately, professional shade-thrower Azealia Banks has been shooting her mouth off yet again. She's previously feuded with Perez Hilton, Nicki Minaj, TI and Lil Kim, and this time she's shutting her mouth off at The Artist Formerly Known As Lily Allen.

This all started, of course, on Twitter when somebody, for some reason, linked Azealia to a tweet Lily Allen posted in April 2012 (??) which read...

For all I do believe Azealia Banks is a talented lass, she's clearly a fucking idiot. Either she thought this was The Artist Formerly Known As Lily having a go at her (and didn't realise this tweet was a fucking year old) or she randomly decided to lay into her. Whichever, this was Azealia's reply...

Lily at least attempted to take the high road (if you'll pardon the pun LOLOLOLOL) with her reply which read as follows...

...which prompted Azealia Banks to tweet what is arguably the finest rebuttal in debate history...

Absolutely outstanding.

Unfortunately, in typical Azealia Banks style she decided not to leave it there and decided to go for the low blow (again forgive the cokey pun)...

Ouch. Lily did manage to get the last word in, though, by comparing Azealia Banks's trolling to Amanda Bynes's own bewildering Twitter rants, and accused her of publicity-seeking...

Seriously, Azealia Banks, what is wrong with you? Nice try, but you will never top the original and best Twitter beef...


3. Justin Bieber does something hilarious.

So first off, can we just look at Justin Bieber's body? Wow. I definitely, 100%, wholeheartedly would.

Anyway, we all know Justin Bieber seems to be going through what most straight 19-year-old guys get up to- acting up, racing his car around the place, smoking a lot of weed and trying to smuggle monkeys into European countries. You know, the usual.

Yesterday, however, a video uploaded on respected political news outlet TMZ showed my lad Justin Bieber at a new low. The video, which was recorded earlier this year, shows Justin exiting through the rear of a restaurant in New York (which, at least, sounds promising for my pursuit of him if he really does prefer the back door...). On the way, however, he got distracted by a bucket on the floor of the kitchen, which he then proceded to urinate into, to the acclaim of his entourage which included your friend and mine Lil Twist.

While this went on, one of the lads is heard saying that they are "swagger" (which is seemingly now used as an adjective-- interesting) and that they are the "wild boys". Fucking cringe-tastic.

In a bizarre twist, the video culminates in Justin Bieber spraying a picture of former US President Bill Clinton (which just happened to be lying around, obviously...) with a conveniently placed bottle of cleaning fluid before declaring "fuck Bill Clinton!" and leaving.

Sometimes you need to think for ages about what you can say to make a situation sound funny to a reader, and then sometimes all you need to do is describe the scene of Justin Bieber pissing into a mop bucket and then shouting "fuck Bill Clinton".

President Clinton was said to be really pissed off with the video footage, before announcing in a press conference "I did not have sexual relations with that mop bucket".

And now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to spend the next hour and a half imagining Justin Bieber spraying cleaning fluid into my face.

Or perhaps some other fluid.



1 comment:

  1. you haven't done on of these in far too long, i've missed them so much! so pleased to see the triumphant return of the legend that is kelly osbourne x