Monday, 17 June 2013


New music, anyone? Eeeeeeh...!

Britney Jean Spears - Ooh La La
Release TBA

I originally wanted to post this blog yesterday, but alas I could only find two new songs worth posting. Thankfully, Britney Jean was here to save the day with her new single Ooh La La which premiered on the radio in America today. The song is taken from the soundtrack to the upcoming blockbuster The Smurfs 2 (get those Academy Awards ready, folks, things are going to get SMURFAAAAAY), and previously leaked online last month, though Britney later tweeted it was a demo that had leaked and not the official version. Of course, she was full of shit, and the complete version which surfaced today was different from the leaked demo in precisely zero ways.

I try not to be pretentious and pre-judge pop music, especially when it comes to acts with zero creative input like Britney, but for some reason I really wanted to not like this song. And yet, I cannot help it, I think it is the coolest thing Britney has lent her name to in quite a while. The lyrics are, of course, not especially cerebral, considering how Dr. Luke can churn the hits out this probably took him about 5 minutes to write, and it's not going to be up there next to Toxic or ...Baby One More Time or Womanizer in the Britney hall of fame, but it sounds fresh and summery and it is very catchy.

I do have three major quarrels with Ooh La La though:

1. Considering it's from the album "Music From And Inspired By The Smurfs 2" ("Inspired By The Smurfs 2" as if anyone watched The Smurfs 2 and thought "I AM SO INSPIRED TO WRITE A SONG RIGHT NOW, EVEN IF THEY DON'T EVEN FEATURE IT IN THE SMURFING FILM"), it's hard to see exactly what in the name of arse this song actually has to do with The Smurfs (ou, comme diraient les Français, LES SCHRTOUMPFS). I'm predicting this isn't exactly going to be a soundtrack to rival that of The Great Gatsby.
2. I don't wish to sound like a prude but considering that when Britney was in the studio recording this song she said it was for her sons, not to mention the fact it's from the soundtrack to a children's film, I can't help but feel these lyrics are ever so slightly inappropriate for their purpose. I don't know about you but I don't ever recall Papa Smurf saying to Smurfette "we can go all night, and spin me round just the way I like", ALTHOUGH HE PROBABLY THOUGHT IT THE HORNY SMURFING BASTARD THAT HE WAS.
3. So, we all know I love Madonna, right? Well she made an album last year called MDNA. It was good, however on that album was one of the worst songs she's made in a good 15 years. This song was called Superstar. It was a cringing hot mess of a song with really shitty lyrics where she compared her lover to various men from history "you're Abe Lincoln, cos you fight for what's right" and "you're James Dean driving in your fast car" being some of the particularly embarrassing one-liners from the song. You can listen to the chorus of Superstar here...

...and the chorus of Ooh La La here...

...and I'm honestly not wanting to make a "big thing" about this, but you can't ignore there are slightly similarities, can you? Aside from that they are two completely different songs, and I can't imagine Madonna losing much sleep over it (especially since Britney has made a superior song by far) but still.


In honour of Britney herself, how many frappuccinos out of five do I give Ooh La La?

Le Grind - I Was There (Where Were You?)
Released 15th July

Lifted straight from the front page of Popjustice, this is the first single from Le Grind and it is about Studio 54. I've always said if I could go anywhere in history I'd like to go to Studio 54 and party with Liza Minelli and Debbie Harry and Andy Warhol and other fabulous people, all shagging each other and passing their as-of-yet undiscovered sexually transmitted infections backwards and forwards between each other.

Admittedly, this song is not going to be for everybody. If your idea of a good time is sitting next to some bell-end in a fedora in a dingy hipster bar drinking Southern Comfort and discussing how some indie band have a "good vibe", then the chances are that Le Grind's ode to the glory days of disco (sample lyrics including: "his wig fell off into my martini", "damn horse trod on my foot and I had to sit during Donna Summer" and "did you see Liza?") might not be for you. 

However if you've ever bought a shot from a rugby player in body glitter; if you've ever watched a drag queen lip-sync to a single from one of the Real Housewives; if your boot has ever stuck to the dance-floor in a grimy gay bar only for you to step clean out of it- then you might do well to listen to this.

I do recognise the polarising nature of this song, but the things that have influenced this song (smoke machines, RuPaul, hair-flipping, Scissor Sisters, light-up dance-floors) are things which influence me on a daily basis. It did take a few listens to fully make sense of, but I'm glad I was patient because I'm  now in love with it. It gets a prestigious...

...four frappuccinos from me. I'm excited to see what Le Grind come up with next, as long as it's not a song about the aftermath of disco, ie. hair metal, the miners' strike and AIDS.

Fifth Harmony - Miss Movin' On
Release TBA

OK, so I'll level with you. I have never watched The X Factor USA, partly out of loyalty to the patron saint of Geordies everywhere Ms Cheryl Cole, partly because I have barely any interest in the UK series these days, let alone a foreign version presented by a Kardashian sister, even though Demi Lovato is on the judging panel and she punched a girl in the face once. 

In spite of this, I do read a lot of pop culture blogs, and from reading them I've learned that Fifth Harmony were pretty much the only act on the American X Factor to actually have any star quality, including judge Britney Jean Spears who managed to be just as uninterested as everyone thought she was, only to reveal at the end of the season that she had no intention of going back. Clearly Simon Cowell also recognised something special within these girls (ie. there's a chance he could make a fuck load of money off their backs) so he signed them to his record label which has helped make stars of household names like Leon Jackson, Matt Cardle and Joe McElderry.

Miss Movin' On is the girls' first single since the competition, and I'm not going to lie it sounds promising. The lyrics are empowering and all about, surprisingly, moving on from somebody. What is quite refreshing is that in the chorus there is some quite prominent electric guitar, giving it a kind of Breakaway/My December-era Kelly Clarkson vibe. 

With no support here in the UK, not to mention the attention that Cowell's other signed girl band Little Mix seem to have attracted in America, it wasn't clear whether or not there was any need for a group like Fifth Harmony, but based on this first single there is still a place for them and their big voices. Listen to Miss Movin' On here...

I'm clearly feeling generous today because I'm also giving a lovely...

...four frappuccinos to the Fifth Harmony single!

That's all.
Smurf off now, please.

1 comment:

  1. Saw Britney mentioned on twitter and had to pop along. I will tolerate it because it means I have press photos and interviews to look at on when I'm supposed to be doing work. Album 8 by the end of the year!

    Got a feeling that Le Grind song will be a bit of a pre club drinks anthem for me and my mates this summer.