Saturday, 15 June 2013


You know the drill, some new songs are out and I am going to give my completely unwarranted and unqualified opinion on them for you in a brand new edition of NMEeeeeeh...

Harry Styles - Don't Let Me Go
Release TBA

Well this is all very interesting, isn't it? Undeniably the most recognisable and "tabloid famous" member of global boyband One Direction is Harry Styles, and a song he's recorded without his 1D brethren has surfaced online. The lads recently announced a stadium tour set to cover venues all over the globe, not to mention a range of perfume and, peculiarly, nail varnish, so it's unlikely that Harry will be pursuing a solo career, which begs the question exactly where has this track come from and why has he recorded it by himself?

The song itself is a low-tempo ballad, which instantly puts me off it because, let's face it, One Direction's ballads are invariably shite. This one opens with the unimaginative line "now you're standing there, right in front of me", which more or less confirms that Harry Styles wrote this himself, before going on to chat about lights that are blinding him, and chatting about how "this bed was not made for two". At least he's sticking to writing about what he knows, which at 19-years-old probably means a whole lot of shagging in people's single beds.

I like Harry Styles, but this song is pretty poor. It has a boring acoustic vibe, and the lyrics are pretty uninteresting, and there doesn't seem to be much of a link from one line to another, if that makes sense. Judging from the juvenile state of the lyrics, I'd go as far as to predict this wasn't recorded very recently, and was either a song from the "band" Harry was in before he auditioned for X Factor, or it's a song he did for his GCSE Music performance.

Let's hope that I'm right about this not being the song to launch Harry's solo career, because on the grand scheme of things this isn't going to be much of a springboard for him. He's going to need a Fight For This Love, and this is an Insatiable. The one positive thing I can compliment the song for is the vocals, Harry's voice sounds very good so well done, him, for that.

Should you fancy a listen yourself, you can check out the video below:

And now, as a special NMEeeeeeh treat, let's have a look at some of the mental comments the Directioners have left on YouTube...


Finally, in honour of Harry Styles and his 1D bandmates, let's see how many topless One Direction lads out of five this new track manages to rack up...

Some serious Venus de Milo realness from Zayn Malik, there.

Moving on...

The Jonas Brothers - First Time
Release TBA

And while we're on the subject of tween-friendly boybands, The Jonas Brothers have a new single out too! While they seem to be massive stars all over the world, The Jonas Brothers never really seemed to take off here in the UK, probably because they do tend to go on and on about the lord Jesus, and really who wants to hear about that? The one thing The Jonas Brothers are renowned for here in Britain is their chastity vow, which they might swallow in America but here in Great Britain we're more cynical, and prefer our boybands to be serial shaggers rather than proud virgins.

Let's remind ourselves exactly how Kevin, the only married member of the group, summed up his first sexual experience with his wife:

I mean really.

Their latest single, which is honestly the first time I've ever actually heard a song from the Jonas Brothers, seems to contradict this above statement as it describes doing something for the "first time" and how it is, according to the opening line, "the thrill of a lifetime". GOODNESS GRACIOUS, THOSE DIRTY LITTLE DOGS.

Like the previously reviewed Harry Styles, the lyrics to this are a bit cringey and cliché, but this song does have the advantage of sounding a bit more exciting and electronic and current, though it's still a pretty embarrassing song and certainly not one I'd be in a rush to listen to again. 

"Come on let it set you free, right here, right now where you're s'posed to be". For fuck's sake.

Give it a listen yourself here:

How many topless 1D lads has it managed to score? NO VIRGIN-RELATED INNUENDO INTENDED.

The Dolls - Summer of '93
Release TBA. My release dates in this blog have been very vague. Apols.

What you probably don't appreciate is that I write this blog completely single-handedly, which means that I do all my own little images and graphics, which is why they are often so shoddily put-together. What this means is that to make this blog I have spent the past hour trawling the Internet for pictures of One Direction with their shirts off. And that doesn't just mean I had to find the three that you see used for the rating of that Jonas Brothers rating. I had to Google each member individually, and look at various shirtless shots of them, then decide which ones were the best angle, which ones looked the hottest, not to mention which ones would be the easiest cutouts. I've spent an hour and a half staring at 18-year-old tanned torso, all the while not allowing myself to get distracted so that this blog actually gets written, and to be perfectly honest with you all, my pupils are the size of dinner plates at this stage. So you'll forgive me if this final review is a quick one, but I need this experience to end. It has been like a test of my own endurance and stamina, and I'm happy that it will soon be coming to an end.

Say hello to The Dolls! They're technically a new double act, although as individuals they're successful musicians in their own right, so well done them. Their debut single as The Dolls is called Summer of '93, a summer which I was alive for but have no recollection of. Perhaps I will ask my sister what this summer was like, though she will probably regale me with yet another tale of how my birth ruined her childhood and "only child" status, and that will depress me and make me wish I'd never been born only for an angel to come and show me how depressing the world would be had I never been born, à la It's A Wonderful Life, which actually sounds like quite an ego boost for me, so perhaps I'll do it after all.

Where was I?
Oh yes.

Summer of '93 opens with some fairly somber-sounding strings, possibly from a cello which is one of my favourite instruments, so that's nice. Despite the cheery-sounding titles, it has a very dark, ominous vibe, while the lyrics are all about lost love and unrealised dreams. They could easily have been written by Simon Amstell himself- "I wanna live but I don't know how", sings the chorus, while they later talk about kissing someone's lips and that making them feel alive.

In short: this is a very, very good song. Listen to it here...

The annoying thing is, I want to give it 5/5 but I just can't take having to scour the Internet for photos of Liam Payne and Louis Tomlinson without their tops on- they are the two who take their tops off the least and yet they have the best bodies.

I just don't feel like I'm strong enough for the Google search that's about to take place. But here goes...

And there we go. The things I do in the name of consistency, eh?

Thank fuck that is over. I seriously need to go.


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