Friday, 19 April 2013


It's beginning to dawn on me that my most recent Twitter followers probably don't even realise that I have/had a blog, and just think I'm an entitled dickhead with too many opinions. BUT NO. I ACTUALLY USED TO WRITE A BLOG, PEOPLE. TENS OF TWENTIES OF PEOPLE READ IT. In honour of this terrifying realisation, and as a means of avoiding doing my uni work which is due in in three weeks, let's have a look at three new releases from the last couple of days and decide whether or not it is a heap of old shite in my favourite recurring feature NMEeeeeeh.

Ke$ha - Crazy Kids, feat.
Released TBA

Right. This isn't going to be pretty everyone, so I'm going to begin this review by reminding you that I love Ke$ha, I've paid good money for all three of her studio albums, her concert in Manchester was one of the best gigs I've ever been to, and I have always maintained that she is a gifted songwriter, unique performer and one of the best popstars in modern history.

Having said that, this song is just not all that. Her most recent album Warrior was, frankly, not worth the wait and only a handful of tracks stand out for me. Only Wanna Dance With You, for example, is probably my favourite Ke$ha song of her whole career while songs like Warrior and Out Alive still have that Ke$ha message of partying till dawn, but they show an evolution of sound that her first two singles Die Young and C'Mon just didn't.

For her third single, Ke$ha did something a little unprecedented and opted for Crazy Kids as the third single. Crazy Kids is basically everything we've come to expect from Ke$ha- there's lyrics about "not giving two fucks", "dancing on the dance floor and drinking by the bar" and "shining like stars". 

The song's not totally generic, it opens with the best pop-song-whistle since Britney's I Wanna Go while the opening line "hello...wherever you are" before going on to confirm that "we are the crazy kids" shows Ke$ha wanting her misfit fans to know that they're on the same page and they have nothing to worry about. A bit of a heavy-handed message, admittedly, but still a nice one.

That said, for the single release Ke$ha has decided, seeing as her last couple of singles sold about a hundred copies between the, to recruit to do a verse (which more or less means we'll see Ke$ha performing this one on The Voice in a few weeks)(and when I say "we" I mean "not me" because I don't watch shit like The Voice).

Now, isn't to everyone's tastes, that's a given. Personally, I think he's got some good songs. Check It Out. 3 Words. Even T.H.E. has lyrics so terrible that you can't help but love them ("this beat is the shit, feces" being my personal favourite).

This song, on the other hand, is an abortion. It's a fucking mess. It's awful. I just despair. Right in the middle of Ke$ha's song about being yourself even if you don't fit in, and going for it with all you've got, says "she put boobies in my face and now I'm really seeing double".

Boobies. In my face. And now I'm really seeing double.

I'd love to say that's the worst part of the song, but he follows that with "kissing while we talking so I'm speaking with a mumble" and as if that wasn't bad enough HE THEN STARTS MUMBLING TO ROUND OFF HIS FEATURE SPOT and goes  "rumbum-umm-errmu-mme-rrmbumm-ummermumer-UMBLE". Fucking awful!

The final nail in the coffin is that, well, we all know I love a good swear. Swearing isn't big, it isn't clever, but I love it. This song has a lot of swearing in it, which means that for the radio edit Ke$ha has to say things like "we don't give a whut", which just makes me want to hurt people.

If you'd like to hear what can only be described as the musical equivalent of a botched enema, then give it a listen yourself.

I can't believe I'm saying this about an artist I really like, especially given how poorly the Warrior campaign is going, but I hope to God this song isn't a hit.

In honour of Ke$ha, how many Silly Old Jack Daniel's (DO YOU GET IT? BECAUSE I AM SILLY OLD DANIEL? HILARIOUS!) bottles out of 5 does Crazy Kids get?


Olly Murs - Dear Darlin'
Available now as part of Right Place, Right Time

If you have Olly Murs's most recent album Right Place, Right Time then you'll be familiar with Dear Darlin', which he announced as the third single to be taken from the album on his Twitter feed yesterday. Then again, how many people would actually go out of their way to listen to an entire album of Olly Murs?

Before we've even listened to the song, the title Dear Darlin' is already problematic. A song called Dear Darling would be bad enough, but that added apostrophe is pretty heinous. Having said that, we should give the song a chance because at the end of the day, Olly Murs is really fit and when it comes down to it that's all that matters, n'est-ce pas?

The song takes the form of a love letter sung aloud which opens with the lyrics "Dear Darlin', please excuse my writin', I can't stop my hands from shakin'". At first I thought this meant the song would be about coming down from heroin withdrawal, but I do not think this is the point of this particular song. 

It starts with just him and a piano, which I'm not crazy about, ballads are never going to be Olly's strong-point, but by the second verse there's all kinds of shite going on with drums and strings. The song it puts me in mind of is the version of You Got The Love that plays over the closing credits of the final episode of Sex And The City which, frankly, if you don't get emotional at then you have no place in my life.

This song is very sad, everyone. It sounds like poor old Olly has had his heart broken. Poor lamb.

If you want you can listen to it below, or you can wait for every radio station and music channel to cram it down your throat. Up to you.

How does it fair on the Silly Old Jack Daniels scale, though..?

Daft Punk - Get Lucky, feat. Pharrell Williams
Available now

Thanks to acts like Calvin Harris and Swedish House Mafia electronic music is fucking everywhere at the minute. All Daft Punk had to do was phone in another Harder Better Faster Stronger and they'd be more or less guaranteed a hit single. Therefore it's pretty noteworthy that what they've instead chosen to do is go in the complete opposite direction, roping in Pharrell Williams for their new single Get Lucky.

However, unlike Ke$ha, Daft Punk got a rapper on their new single and managed not to make a giant steaming turd of a song.

The single itself sounds like the 70s. It's got a bit of disco, a bit of 70s R&B, even a bit of funk, while still sounding relevant in 2013, which is a good thing. It's very catchy, very danceable, very cool-sounding. I don't know how else to describe it, to be honest. This is a song that is probably going to be very big.

Let's have a listen to it...

Jack Daniels, anyone?

Well done Daft Punk. Ke$ha, must try harder.

That's it.

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