Monday, 8 October 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Eeeeeh do you know what it is? I started writing this ages ago and never finished it. So two of the stories in it are dead old. Apols. Frankly if you're using this blog to actually get news rather than for a cheap laugh then you wanna have a word with yourself anyway. It's brand new, it's a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. It's all kicking off on American Idol.



If you cast your mind back: the ol' story goes that when Mariah Carey heard that her old collaborator Nicki Minaj would be joining her on the American Idol judging panel she was so annoyed that she hung up the phone. Of course it was only a rumour, but then at that stage it was still only a rumour that Nicki would be a judge at all, and weeks later here she is.

The writing was pretty much on the wall then for a turbulent season of American Idol.

It didn't take long for things to kick off, as this video of Nicki ranting at Mariah in North Carolina made the rounds online, with Nicki saying she wasn't going to put up with "your fucking highness", referring to Mariah and her diva behaviour (stuck hilariously in the middle of them is Keith Urban who awkwardly sits there saying nothing while Nicki tears the proverbial strip off Mariah).

Watch Nicki's rant for yourself right here:


According to certain sources, Nicki then told Mariah she was going to "knock her out", but she vehemently denies this. It's not known exactly what set Nicki off on one, but rumours would suggest that Mariah called her a "bitch". WHICH IS NOT ON AT ALL, MARIAH, NOT COOL.

From there, Mariah called her friend Barbara Walters who then said on the following day's episode of The View: "She said that when Nicki walked off set multiple people heard her say 'If I had a gun I would shoot that bitch'".

You don't get that kind of inside scoop on Loose Women, do you?

From there Nicki reacted quite angrily (understandably) on her Twitter page, with the following tweet mocking Mariah:


More importantly she then took the opportunity to publicly deny what Mariah (and Barbara) were accusing her of:


And then to rub salt in the wounds, she suggested producers had compared her to the glory days of Simon Cowell on American Idol:



Apparently Mariah arrived at yesterday's round of auditions with increased security. Seems like this could all get worse before it gets better, but if it ends with one of Mariah's twins telling Nicki she's "the devil" I'll be a happy man...

2. Christina Aguilera reveals her new album cover.




A while ago I reviewed the new Christina Aguilera single Your Body. I said the song was "beneath" Christina, that she had "cheapened herself" and said she "came across as desperate". I have since did a total 180 on the song, and it is now one of my favourite songs of 2012. I'm sorry, Christina. I was wrong.

The good news is that Christina has unveiled the album artwork for her upcoming fifth release Lotus, which is exciting. The bad news is, it looks like this:


UHMAZING.

In an interview with Billboard magazine, X-Tina (who, I'm sure I've said before, should technically be called X-Ina HOW ANNOYING) said "[my new album] represents a celebration of the new me".

Meanwhile, when asked about her previous album Bionic which failed to set the charts alight and more or less made her a laughing stock for a brief period, Christina had some fairly amusing opinions to share.

When asked to explain why the album was met with such disdain, Christina said "I'm proud to say it was ahead of its time".

Ahead of its time??? UHMAZING. That's not all though.

"You had to be a real music lover, be a true fan of music to appreciate that album", she says. "The older that album gets the more people will come to appreciate it actually and check it out".

So that's the problem, people-- we just don't love music enough. It's not that people fund lyrics like "All the boys think its cake when they taste my *WOOHOO*, You don't even need a plate just your face" off-putting, we just weren't ready for an album so ahead of its time. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

3. Carolynne Poole gets everyone's back up with her shock elimination.


It's possible you'll have noticed there's been a noticeable lack of X Factor coverage on my blog this year. You might well be shocked to hear that I'm not watching The X Factor this year. And do you know why? Because The X Factor is shit. This series of The X Factor has, for me at least, undone the show's entire legacy.

I know it's never been "quality" viewing, but there's always been the idea that the show has a GLIMMER of authenticity underneath of all of the lights and the drama and the dresses and the tears. But do you know what? There's not this year. The entire thing is so scripted and farcical that I'm half-expecting one of the contestants to take off their wig and prosthetics and reveal themselves to be David Walliams.

However, one couldn't escape what happened on last night's show whether you watched the show or not, because it was one of those moments everyone was talking about, and no one was particularly happy.

You see on Saturday night reality TV veteran Carolynne Poole who has appeared on Fame Academy and two series of The X Factor (you can presumably look out for her on the upcoming series of The Voice where I'm sure that boring one off of The Script will be jizzing his pants over her) performed an eye-wateringly tedious rendition of Nicki Minaj's Starship so smug and cheesy that Nicki Minaj herself is believed to have reacted like this when she saw how her song had been performed:


To hear Carolynne's bewildering country rendition of Starships then give it a watch now:



Anyway, no one voted for it because it was rubbish so she ended up in the bottom two. People weren't happy about this, largely because she was up against Rylan Clark who it seems like no one likes, particularly Gary Barlow who is being his usual grumpy self and slagging Rylan off every chance he gets. Rylan did a club remix of Spandau Ballet's Gold last night which I actually really enjoyed, and which you can watch for yourself here:


So Rylan and Carolynne (whose name I suppose would be Carolylan if they were to be a celebrity couple, although the chances of that happening would be quite unlikely I would say) had their little sing-off, although during Carolynne's performance it was noticed that Louis Walsh was somewhat distracted and actually deep in conversation with one of the show's producers.

What then followed was Gary Barlow and Tulisa choosing to send Rylan home, surprisingly to no one whatsoever, while Nicole Scherzinger chose to stay loyal to the act she was mentoring and send Carolynne home. Rather than do the "right" thing and save a boring person over an interesting one, Louis then plumped to send Carolynne home which took everything to deadlock.

DEADLOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

So anyway, to make a long story short, the public had voted more for Rylan than they had for Carolynne, and off home she went. And that was that.

EXCEPT THAT WASN'T THAT WAS IT? Because Louis Walsh seems to have opened Pandora's box and destroyed the universe by taking it to deadlock. The world has spun of its axes, people are walking around on their heads and horses are eating each other in the street. THE END OF DAYS IS UPON US PEOPLE.

I need to have a word with everyone who is now "boycotting" the X Factor thanks to Louis Walsh's heinous actions. First off, you're a liar. If the X Factor matters enough to you that you would stop watching it and need to call it a "boycott" rather than simply turning the telly off, then you are incapable of boycotting it.

Secondly, I covered this FOUR FRIGGING YEARS AGO on my old blog when people were complaining about Jedward being sent home instead of Lucie. I can't even remember what her surname was. It was either Edwards or Jones. Either way, she's so unimportant I can't even remember her frigging surname, and I'd feel exactly the same about Carolynne Poole if it weren't for the fact that she has some sort of addiction to being on reality TV, so there's no chance of forgetting her.

The fact of the matter is that Carolynne Poole was never going to win The X Factor in a million years against that lad with the nerves, One Direction Lite and Lucy Spraggan and her collection of songs  including "Yesterday morning I ate a boiled egg, And thought I had a pain in my lower right leg". So shall we all lighten up? It's the frigging X Factor, just fucking enjoy Rylan Clark while you can before Gary Barlow sucks all the joy out of the programme and leaves nothing behind but Must Be The Music.

Shall we have another watch of Rylan crying???


UHMAZING.

Right I'm done.
Laters!
x

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