Thursday, 23 August 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Shall I cut the small talk and get straight to Prince Harry's nob? I thought so. Here's a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Prince Harry gets his arse out, still doesn't show our nation up as badly as Ed Sheeran in his fucking TRAINERS at the Olympics Closing Ceremony.

The saying goes: "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas". I know this because there is a film with Cameron Diaz in called What Happens In Vegas. It isn't my favourite Cameron Diaz film, that honour would probably go to Bad Teacher. Or perhaps In Her Shoes. OH OR THE HOLIDAY. I can't choose under this kind of pressure, and it's not exactly relevant to the story now, is it?

Obviously, however, for poor old Prince Harry who thought he could have some laddish fun on his holidays in Las Vegas, there was 0 chance of what happened actually staying in Vegas because by the time he was back in jolly old England there were photos of his bare arse all over the Internet and he'd essentially gone viral.

The photos seem to show Prince Harry and his mates playing a game of "strip billiards" with a group of naked strangers they'd reportedly met downstairs in the hotel bar before inviting upstairs. STRIP BLOODY BILLIARDS. Oh how the other half live, eh? I bet it would have been strip fucking polo if there'd been any horses available at short notice.


Obviously that is a slightly censored version, but if you wanna have a quick peek at the uncensored version AND FRANKLY WHY WOULDN'T YOU'RE NOT RELATED TO HIM ARE YOU (and if you are then hello your highness I do hope you're enjoying the blog) then you can click this (obviously NSFW) link here.

And if what you really want is to see a member of the Royal Family cupping his cock and balls while an apparently naked woman hides behind him then look no further than right here:

Slightly makes all that business with those sold photos of Prince William and Kate Middleton on the beach look a tiny bit silly now, doesn't it?

2. He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious??

If you're someone like Avril Lavigne, constantly criticised for making music that gets on everyone's tits and makes a mockery of the music industry then are you going to sit on your arse and let other people's comments upset you? NO YOU BLOODY ARE NOT, APPARENTLY YOU'RE GOING TO GET OFF YOUR BACKSIDE AND MARRY SOMEONE PEOPLE THINK IS AN EVEN BIGGER TWAT THAN YOU ARE. 

That's right, folks, it was announced today that 27-year-old teenager Avril Lavigne is engaged to the frontman of rock group Nickelback, Chad Kroeger. Apparently the couple grew close initially after co-writing a song together for Avril's upcoming fifth album.

Despite the ten-year age gap between them (scandalous, eh?), the two announced today that they were going to be getting married after six months of "dating". She obviously didn't feel like saying "see you l8r boi" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Do you get it?

Because she sang that song. Where a girl said "see you l8r boi". To a "sk8r boi".

Well done, Daniel.

3. Zayn Malik decides to leave Twitter, but continues to be really fit so good for him.

Second-oldest-and-therefore-second-most-acceptable-to-fancy member of boyband One Direction, Zayn Malik has upset his fans the world over by deciding to throw the towel in with regards to his Twitter account.

According to Zayn himself, shortly before deleting his account, he was "sick of all the useless opinions and hate I get daily". I completely understand where he's coming from, but if I stopped doing things just because I was getting "hate" on a daily basis, I'd never leave the house.

Mentalist Fans of One Direction weren't prepared to take this news lying down though and immediately got #ComeBackZayn and #ZaynComeBack trending, with distraught users begging to get their beloved idol back online. Of course, the whole thing was a waste of time. He wasn't going to see it, was he? Cos he deleted his Twitter. Idiots.

I personally am not sure I could ever delete my Twitter. On a recent holiday to Corfu with my boyfriend and two friends of mine, I was given a taste of life without Internet connection. It was all going well until my friends...became too busy to give me the attention I needed. And then, in the ultimate betrayal, my boyfriend decided to take a nap.

A nap that very nearly ended our relationship.

During this dark time I recorded my thoughts in a Word document. Here, uncensored for the first time, are those thoughts:

Dark times indeed.

Oh and by the way, my favourite Cameron Diaz film is actually There's Something About Mary. And there's definitely something about her, she's got spunk in her hair.

Aye that's it

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