Wednesday, 22 August 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

If you thought yesterday's blog was mildly diverting then YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW MILDLY DIVERTING YET, BOYS AND GIRLS. Strap on your safety harnesses because it's time for a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Mariah Carey gets the worst phone call since Janine from Chlamydia UK rang me the other day for "a chat" (seriously though I do not have chlamydia) (honest).

It seems that as long as there have been TV reality shows, there have been rumours that Mariah Carey would be judging on them. I just feel like at some point or another she's been linked to all of them at some point or another- a bit like when Cheryl Cole was meant to be on US X Factor, then it turned out she wasn't, then it turned out she was but then Simon Cowell ended up sailing her down the river in the name of light entertainment only to then offer the consolation prize of Kelly Rowland's place on the UK panel to her replacement, Nicole Scherzinger. All very complicated, eh?

Thankfully for Mariah, though, she was finally CONFIRMED as the replacement for Jennifer Lopez on the new season of American Idol after she and Steven Tyler announced they were throwing in the Coca-Cola sponsored towel earlier this year. It was all looking good for Mariah, she was going to be the token female judge sandwiched between Randy Jackson and an unnamed third judge on the upcoming season. All eyes were going to be on her, and America would be hers for the taking when she released her On The Floor-esque comeback single.

Or so she thought.

The story goes that Mariah Carey received a phone call from producers to tell her that my former favourite person in the world Nicki Minaj would be joining her on the panel. Mariah was reportedly so enraged at the news that she HUNG UP THE PHONE.


I must admit I'm quite surprised to hear that Mariah was not such a fan of sharing the limelight with Nicki Minaj, although perhaps there isn't enough room behind one table for Randy, Mariah, Nicki and her hundreds of alter egos, each one "quirkier" than the last. The two of them even collaborated way back at the start of Nicki's career on a PRETTY GOSH DARNED AMAZING SONG called Up Out My Face which you can listen to by casting your eyes slightly downwards and clicking play. If you need to be convinced, there is a marching band at one point. If that doesn't persuade you, nothing will:

You see?? Nicki Minaj was capable of doing a half-decent rap once upon a time.

So, according to rumours, since the news broke Mariah Carey hasn't been off the phone to Lenny Kravitz (I, too, always turn to Lenny in a crisis) begging him to take the job instead. He'd certainly be more qualified for the job seeing as how he's a musical legend whereas Nicki Minaj- despite being an undeniable icon in the 2012 music scene- can actually barely sing a note in tune.

Then again, when has that mattered..?

2. Cheryl Cole is ready to earn her cougar stripes (do cougars actually have stripes?) (no, no they do not) (tigers do, though) (they're grrrrrrrrrrrrreat).


So anyway, during them Olympics what happened a few weeks ago Geordie princess Cheryl Cole was tweeting her support for Team GB, including a cheeky tweet to bronze medal winner Tom Daley asking if he'd be able to teach her how to dive. He replied that he was too busy shagging me morning noon and night so she'd have to fuck off and find her own man or I'd do to her what she did to that toilet attendant he would love to, and that the two would have to direct message each other and set something up.

This was brilliant news to me, because at least if Tom Daley was going to be going out with someone who wasn't me, it would at least be a fellow Geordie. And good on Cheryl for following in the footsteps of Jennifer Lopez, Madonna and the slightly less A-list Caroline Flack and shagging a younger man.

However, unfortunately for poor old Cheryl, in an interview with Heat magazine Tom said that he simply doesn't have the stones to ask her on a romantic date, even though he does have her calendar on his wall so he's "used to seeing her" in a state of undress.

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE. Could you imagine if Tom Daley was my boyfriend and he took me to EVENTS and stuff and people could ask me how proud I was of him and I could be like "OH HE'S MY ROCK I COULDN'T BE PROUDER" and the two of us could become this amazing power couple and slowly I could start getting interviewed by OK! magazine and eventually end up with guest spots on 8 Out Of 10 Cats and Celebrity Juice and whatnot and then eventually we could have this amazing showbiz wedding and the press'll be fighting over themselves for photos and he'd give this amazing speech about how even though he only won bronze in London 2012 he truly got the gold medal when he found me.

Oh....yes....I love my boyfriend.


Yup. I just summed it up in one sentence. Yet the chances are if you follow Lady GaGa on Twitter, you'll be aware she is under the impression it is the biggest news since the moon-landing all them years ago.

It's not. It's brown hair.

Build a bridge, GaGa. And get over it.

That's your lot.
Thanks, laters!

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