Monday, 20 August 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


If you're reading this because you enjoy reading my take on the goings-on in Celeb Land then thanks very much. 'Preciate it. Enjoy this: a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Somebody throws urethra juice at Cher Lloyd.


It’s fair to say that ever since Cher Lloyd stepped onto that X Factor stage to audition two years ago, she has been dividing people’s opinions like no one’s business. While some people appreciated Cher’s plucky attitude and unique take on songs, others thought she was a bell-end.

And then there’s that bastard Katie Weasel Twitter account who’d rather make two-year-old jokes about the fact Cher Lloyd is a gypsy between tweets about Caroline Flack having sex with Harry Styles.



SIDES! SPLIT! CALL! DOCTOR!

So anyway, it didn’t get any better for Cher Lloyd when X Factor finished, particularly after she released Swagger Jagger, arguably the most ridiculous debut single anyone has ever tried to launch a career with. The thing is, while she does have something of a cocky nature, it’s very easy to forget that Cher Lloyd is still a teenager and shouldn’t really have to deal with people old enough to know better constantly berating her and making fun of her, whether they like her music or not.

The whole thing exploded this weekend when the poor lass was booked in to perform at V Festival  and hadn’t even finished her first song before the behaviour of the crowd got too much for her and she left without finishing her set. First off, people started booing her which- let’s face it- isn’t nice. Thing is: it’s a festival. If you don’t want to sit through Cher Lloyd, there is bound to be someone you actually want to sit through. Or you could go and get a hot dog, couldn’t you?

IT SEEMS THAT THE PEOPLE IN THE CROWD DIDN’T WANT A HOT DOG THOUGH. 

What they did want, in a shock twist, was to throw a glass bottle filled with their own piss at a teenage girl. Right. Cher Lloyd’s music isn’t for everyone. In fact, at times it can be bloody annoying. But is the answer to all of life’s grievances to throw piss at them? Surely this kind of thing is unacceptable?

If you’re walking down the street and someone’s wearing ugly leggings you don’t lob a bottle of piss at them, do you? If the girl in McDonald’s accidentally gives you a medium fries instead of a large, you don’t yank the cap off her head and fill it with your excrement, do you? If the boy sitting opposite you on the metro is listening to his headphones a bit too loud you don’t stick your finger down your throat and shower him in your projectile vomit until he gets the message and turns it down, DO YOU?

So to everyone on Twitter who thinks the whole thing is a laugh: it isn’t. Cher Lloyd has literally just turned 19 years old. She’s just getting up and doing what she’s always wanted to do. If you don’t like it: go and get a hot dog. Piss is not the answer.

2. Justin Bieber is aware that his fans are proper batshit mental.


We’ve all had a run-in with a disgruntled, crazed stan on Twitter at some point, haven’t we? Because of the nature of my tweets, my abuse mostly comes from fans of C-list celebrities. If you’re looking for an example, this weekend I was told to “piss off” by a fan of Coleen Nolan after I reminded everyone she once announced that she was against gay couples being parents.

However, while “Little Monsters” and “Directioners” do put out a solid effort, it’s pretty much unanimous that fans of Justin Bieber, or “Beliebers” as they call themselves (or, indeed, “fucking nuisances” as the rest of us call them) are the most frightening fan-base of them all. If you want to see just how frightening they are for yourself, type the words “Justin Drew Bieber” into the “search” box on Twitter and the chances are you’ll be confronted with something as unsettling as this...


...Or even this...


It seems even Biebs himself is a little bit afraid of his fans, as he revealed this week he thinks his fans are “crazier than anyone else’s fans”. While we’re speaking of Justin Bieber and people who are crazy, he’s also been quoted recently as saying that the paparazzi do “crazy things” in order to try and get his photo including hiding in his rubbish bin or TRASH CAN as he would say.

And he’s not wrong, either. This picture taken outside of Justin’s house shows one of the grouchier photographers in his regular hiding spot:


3. I wouldn't expect a Spice Girls re-union any time soon.


So the Olympics happened? Good, wasn’t it?

OK, so truthfully I don’t know how good or bad the Olympics were, I legitimately didn’t watch a damn thing and when in 30 years my children ask how I spent London 2012 I’ll be forced to explain to them I spent most of it pissed on my own home-made cocktails or pining for my long-distance boyfriend in Texas.

What I did catch, however, was the closing ceremony which was such a spectacle that I was actually put in Twitter jail for the first time since Cheryl Cole performed Fight For This Love on The X Factor. It was all going on, like, wasn’t it? Kate Bush building up everyone’s hopes by recording a new version of Running Up That Hill only to go “you know what, I’m not going to bother if that’s alright”. Russell Brand randomly showing up for a performance of one of The Beatles’s most frightening odes to psychedelia. And who could forget Ed Sheeran rolling straight out of bed to represent us as a nation.


FOR FUCKS SAKE ED SHEERAN YOU BORING TOSSER YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST RUN A BRUSH THROUGH THAT HAIR BEFORE YOU STEPPED UP ON STAGE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE WORLD IN YOUR MUSTY HOODIE AND YOUR OLD TRAINERS. Seriously, can you imagine what Ed Sheeran’s mother will have said to him when he revealed to her what he was planning to wear at the OLYMPIC CLOSING CEREMONY. Carole would have a fit.

The stars of the show, however, were OF COURSE the Spice Girls. Rumours had been circulating for months that the girls would be re-uniting for the performance (which was amazing) but anyone hoping for a full-on Spice comeback could be waiting for a long time as it’s been revealed Victoria Beckham’s only condition for her participation in the performance would be that the other girls stopped putting pressure on her to get the band back together.

UHMAZING.

Does anyone else have hilarious images of Victoria Beckham checking her voicemail only to find it full of pleading messages from an attention-starved Geri Haliwell, including a couple left from Emma Bunton’s phone to try and throw Victoria off the scent.

It seems the rest of the group are a little bit pissed off with Victoria’s reluctance to be a Spice Girl again, with them posting this picture on Twitter of the four of them together at the official Olympics after-party which Victoria decided not to attend...



...which speaks almost as loudly as this photo....


...Oh dear.

Meanwhile, during Mel B’s stint on the first episode of the new season of X Factor over the weekend she suggested, through the medium of Spice Girls dolls left on her dressing room table by THAT OL' JOKER Louis Walsh (not in a “show us on the doll where Mel C touched you” way, though, FEAR NOT SPICE FANS) that perhaps a re-union without Victoria could be on the cards. 

If they’re looking for a replacement, there was a stand-out dancer in the crowd who I’m sure would be more than willing:



Boris Johnson, ladies and gentlemen.

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Laters!
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