Wednesday, 30 May 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I tell you what- it's bloody hot out there, innit? After spending the past few weeks whinging about being back up North, it's much easier to appreciate the real beauty of my home city of Newcastle when the sun is out, and I've had some lovely days the past week seeing some beautiful people and MOST IMPORTANTLY working on my tan which, thanks to the fact I am utterly unemployed and have nothing to do but sunbathe and go shopping in vest-tops, is quite enviable if I do say so myself.

I don't know about you but I think it's time for a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup where I dissect the past few days of celebrity gossip and try and be a bit funny and DARE I SAY IT irreverent about it all, but mostly come across looking like a bit of a bitch. NEVS MIND, EH?

1. Cheryl Cole did a thing and got people talking.

Underground indie songstress Cheryl Cole made quite the comeback performance on The Voice over the weekend, after a lengthy break following on from getting kicked in the tits by Simon Cowell over all that American X Factor judging business.

The performance itself, of her newest single Call My Name which was produced by man-of-the-moment and occasional wearer-of-pineapples-on-his-head Calvin Harris, managed to get a lot of people talking, largely due to the grand entrance Cheryl made. Rather than a more traditional "oh hiya I'm just walking on and singing a little ditty, don't mind me", wor Chezza made a more unorthodox appearance choosing to "do a Pocahontas" and leap down into the arms of some rather buff men who were waiting at the bottom for her.

I swear, now I've seen Cheryl do that, I am never taking the stairs again.

However, the performance wasn't without its controversy, as many critics noted the irony that Cheryl had chosen to completely mime her performance of the song on a show that boasts that "it's all about the voice". Saying that, I don't know how much about "the voice" The Voice actually is, as I couldn't have less interest in it if truth be told.

Having said that, Cheryl's management then kicked up a right fuss and said that she'd actually sang live which is all well and good but is also clearly not true as if you watch the performance yourself (which you can if you cast your eyes ever so slightly downwards) you can see it's quite obvious she's miming but at the same time she's still dancing to a bloody high standard so until she's putting on a performance as lacklustre as this and still not singing then there's no problem in my eyes.

If you'd like to watch the performance yourself then I grant you the ability to do so here:

Good fringe, right?

2. Justin Bieber lamps somebody in the face.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I feel bloody sorry for Justin Bieber. The lad is 18 years old and wherever he goes, whatever he does, he's under constant media scrutiny. What makes it worse is that the poor lad can't even log onto his Twitter page without the world and his wife randomly sending him abuse. Making fun of him. Sending him hate. Occasionally joking about him being dead. And why?

"Cos he sang that Baby song and it was quite annoying".

Well no, I don't think he deserves it. The guy is still a teenager, he is allowed to make some mistakes that he will maybe cringe about later on. I do not believe that you reading this will be proud of every single thing you did when you were 18 years old. THIS IS WHAT I LOOKED LIKE AGED 18, FOR HEAVENS SAKE:


The difference between myself at 18 and Justin Bieber, other than the fact he could buy and sell me, is the fact that he can't do a simple task without having a camera shoved in his face. Really, that's not very fair is it? It's hard to argue for the privacy of someone like Kim Kardashian who insists her whole life is captured- [genital] warts and all- on camera. But all Justin Bieber did was upload some videos onto YouTube when he was, like, 14. And it all snowballed from there.

Therefore, it's kind of understandable that Justin Bieber might not be totally in the mood for having a paparazzi shove his lens in his face. Sometimes he might just want to go for ice cream. Go bowling. Be 18 years old. It seems like some people are determined to make that difficult for him, though, such as a paparazzo today who was out taking photos of Justin on a date with his girlfriend Selena Gomez.

It seems this photographer might have overstepped the mark and apparently refused to move his parked car so that Justin and Selena could drive off. It's then that it seems The Biebster lost his cool and ended up clocking the photographer in the face.

It seems it isn't going to end there, though, as the photographer ended up calling 911 (COS IT HAPPENED IN AMERICA, YOU SEE) and being treated for chest pains and a strike to the face. It seems that police could now be questioning Justin as he's been named a suspect in a misdemeanour battery case.

Clearly this idiot photographer has been watching too many "where there's blame there's a claim" adverts.

For my personal favourite footage of a celebrity attacking a reporter, let's look no further than this clip of Björk in Thailand...


3. Madonna gets herself knocked off Lady GaGa.

OK, some of the people in this story aren't very famous so I'll do my best to try and bring everyone up to speed.

During those golden years known as the 1980s, this singer came out called Madonna. Weird name, right? Everyone thought she was going to be a one-hit wonder novelty act, because most of her songs were quite simplistic and her fashion sense was a bit weird. It turned out she was anything but a one-hit wonder novelty act, and she ended up having a career that lasted 25 years. She became known as something of a chameleon, and her reign as Queen of Pop remained unchallenged.


A few years ago this other singer came out whose name was Lady GaGa. Weird name, right? Everyone thought she was going to be a one-hit wonder novelty act, because most of her songs were quite simplistic and her fashion sense was a bit weird. It turned out that, like Madonna before her, Lady GaGa was a woman who seemed to have a bit of longevity in her career.

And that was that.

Suddenly comparisons to Madonna were relentless. Madonna fans accused Lady GaGa of copying off their idol. Lady GaGa fans simply said there was a new Queen of Pop and they were just jealous. It all grew quite ugly.

Sensing there was trouble in The Land Of The Gays, and possibly fearing making an enemy of Lady GaGa would be unwise, GaGa and Madonna decided to put up a united front, sending up their supposed rivalry in an utterly tedious Saturday Night Live skit and being nothing but lovely about each other in interviews.

Then Lady GaGa released the first single from her latest album. The single in question, in case you aren't familiar with GaGa's work, was called Born This Way. It was clear to anyone with functioning ears that the song was massively influenced by the work of Madonna, particularly her single Express Yourself.

However, by this time Lady GaGa had assembled herself an army of the dregs of society misfits called "little monsters" who would blindly follow anything she said. The "little monsters" didn't take kindly to their idol being accused of referencing Madonna's work (even though most people would argue the song was a bit of a ripoff) and they began attacking Madonna.

And that was when Madonna finally started addressing the comparisons between herself and Lady GaGa. AND THEN THIS QUITE BIG THING HAPPENED:

While Lady GaGa herself is still maintaing that any comparisons between Born This Way and Express Yourself are "retarded" (not my words), Madonna has gone the other way and it's been reported that on her upcoming MDNA tour which opens in Israel (of course) tomorrow, she'll be performing a mash-up of her song Express Yourself followed by a portion of GaGa's Born This Way. As if that wasn't enough of an obvious dig, she tops it off with a few lines of her song She's Not Me from her last album Hard Candy, where she berates a man for going out with a girl who seemingly wants to be her.

If that seems like something you might like to hear for yourself, check out rehearsal footage here:


Rumours whether or not GaGa will be updating the Born This Way Ball to include a Just Dance/Evacuate The Dance Floor segment is still undecided.

That is it, folks.

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