Sunday, 20 May 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Since I've come back to blogging, whole twos of threes of people have told me how nice it is to once again read the celebrity-oriented bile I spew out on a semi-regular basis again. Good news if you're one of those people, celebrities are once again DOING THINGS and therefore, since it's Sunday and I've got a while before Kate comes to pick me up for our romantic date (not really, I am, of course, a giant homosexual) I'm going to do a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup and comment on those aforementioned THINGS that those celebrities have been DOING...

1. The inevitable has happened.

Oh, Great British Public. I tried to warn you that voting for Matt Cardle on The X Factor 2010  was a complete waste of a vote (much like voting for Nick Clegg-- BIT OF POLITICAL HUMOUR FOR YOU THERE, FOLKS), as he would win the competition, act like an entitled twat for a while, release a tedious album of mid-tempo guitar anthems aimed at an audience of people who'd rather listen to One Direction and Cher Lloyd and inevitably be dropped when SURPRISE SURPRISE it doesn't sell.

WELL CALL ME MYSTIC MEG, FOLKS because in today's newspapers the news broke that Matt and his record label boss Simon Cowell have decided to part ways professionally, choosing not to renew his contract to record a second album after his debut Letters essentially went down like a cup of cold sick.

This means that the only actual winners of The X Factor to still be involved with Simon Cowell's SyCo record label are Leona Lewis (whose most recent single, a cover of Nine Inch Nails's Hurt only lasted one week inside the UK top 40) and Little Mix (who are yet to release one single). Simon does ironically still manage Rebecca Ferguson, One Direction and Cher Lloyd, all of whom finished lower  in the competition than Matt in the same year he was winner. Ouch.

I'm not being funny but does anyone else predict some Steve Brookstein-esque anti-Cowell rants on Matt Cardle's Twitter page in the upcoming weeks? Dearie me.

For those who are saddened by the news, I vote we take a trip down memory lane and remember the best Cardle moment in history: when he accidentally walloped mentor Dannii Minogue in the face.


2. Madonna has a present for Chris Brown (unfortunately this is not sarcastic or ironic, she genuinely does).

Hey-ey-ey, yay-ay-ay, she's like a girl gone wild, a good girl gone wild.


No they are not.

So. It's safe to say that the MDNA era is not going as well as Madonna might have hoped for when she first sat down in 2011 and said "if I can get Nicki Minaj on the lead single it's an inevitable number 1" (no it is not, Madonna, clearly). While the album itself managed to shoot to the top of the chart as soon as it was released, it more or less vanished without a trace in the following weeks which is a bit of a shame when you've got a world tour to promote, isn't it?

Album producer William Orbit, who worked with Madonna on Ray Of Light, Music and her most recent output (as well as producing for artists such as P!nk, Beck and Katie Melua) (don't hold that Katie Melua thing against him, though), was interviewed this week and claims that lack of studio time was to blame for the bad performance of the album.

He went on to claim that some of the more "breathtaking" songs he had prepared for Madonna were not able to be recorded due to lack of time. The good news, according to William Orbit, is that we'll be able to hear these songs sooner than we think. The bad news, however, is that they've been given to Chris Brown and we'll be able to hear them on his upcoming album.

EXCELLENT STUFF! Chris Brown is going to be storming to the top of the charts with songs that should have been hits for Madonna. Goodie goodie gumdrops.

3. Will Smith is bloody raging at someone.

Will Smith, eh? What a top dude. Good old reliable Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Will Smith. Loyal husband, devoted father, Will Smith. Musician, actor, family man, Will Smith. Wouldn't hurt a fly, eh?

WELL IT SEEMS THAT IN A SHOCK TWIST HE WOULD, INDEED, HURT A FLY. Or more specifically in this case, he would hurt a human. You see, good old Will Smith was at the premier of his latest heap of shite film endeavour Men In Black 3 in Moscow when Ukranian reporter Vitalii Sediuk attempted to give him a little kiss. It seems that naughty old Vitalii is something of a prankster, who often tries to kiss celebrities among other pranks.

However, after getting a kiss on each cheek (OF HIS FACE FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES- CERTAINLY NOT HIS ARSE CHEEKS IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE IMAGINING) it seems Will didn't care for Vitalii Sediuk's little prank and instead GAVE HIM A BACK-HANDER AND STORMED OFF (which, incidentally, is exactly what happened to me at the Justin Bieber Never Say Never premier) (I'm obviously kidding) (or am I?) (nar man I am).

He was then heard muttering "He tried to kiss me on my mouth...he's lucky I ain't sucker punch him". That's poor grammar, Will Smith. Poor grammar. He then embarrassingly realised he was still being filmed and laughed it off, saying, "Oh sorry, I said that on camera".

To watch the whole sorry escapade on video, then cast your eyes slightly downward:


That's all for now.
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  1. Always brilliant, you are.

  2. Lest we forget this marvellous Matt Cardle related moment: