Saturday, 19 May 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

It's the weekend everyone. Throw some confetti. Turn up that bass. Fire a glitter cannon. Swig that Smartprice gin. Take your top off. Hug a dwarf. Let a llama wander casually around your kitchen. Let it out, who cares you don't have work tomorrow do you? Forget about revision, forget about your boss, forget that the man you're in love with lives 5000 miles away-- get reading my all new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup, looking on the silly side of the newest celebrity stories, and thank fuck it's the weekend. You've worked hard enough, now kick back and have a laugh at this...

1. Donna Summer has unfortunately died.

Sorry did I just say "kick back and have a laugh at this"? Apologies for that.

Yes, it is a terrible shame that Queen of Disco Donna Summer passed away yesterday morning after a lengthy struggle with cancer. She was just 63 years old.

I tell you what it is, Donna Summer was bloody brilliant. Without wanting to sound all cliché and insincere and what not, but she genuinely did define the disco era, and the golden Studio 54 sound of the 1970s, it's a real shame we've lost such an icon.

This is possibly not the most appropriate of songs to post in memoriam of someone, but it is my favourite Donna Summer song so let's remind ourselves what made her such a legend:

Rest in peace, Donna Summer.

2. 50 Cent has made a half-arsed attempt at seeming like he isn't a total cock.

And so from the woman who sang MacArthur Park to a man who can only be described as a MacArsehole Park (sometimes I think I am simply too funny). It's always a delight when 50 Cent opens his mouth to discuss homosexuality (let's not forget that time he tweeted that if you don't like "pussy" you should "kill yourself, damn it" in the midst of all those gay teenage suicides last year), and today he's at it again.

However, despite once HILARIOUSLY referring to a planned tour between Lady GaGa and Kanye West as "the gay tour" (that joker), it seems this time 50 Cent has actually come out in favour of the homosexual lifestyle, following in the footsteps of Barack Obama and Jay-Z, who both announced their support of same-sex marriage in America recently.

When asked about the issue, 50 Cent was quoted as saying that he wants couples to be happy regardless of their gender, he then bewilderingly says that he's "encouraged same-sex activities" in the past. Now, I'm not being funny 50 Cent. I don't want to sound ungrateful for your support of my lifestyle because, frankly, when I first came out it wasn't the approval of my parents that really frightened me, it was the thought that the guy behind In Da Club would not approve of my love of cock.

But really, paying two of your "bitches" a hundred dollars each to make out in your hot-tub (which is the only thing I can imagine he means when he says that he's "encouraged same-sex activities") does not make you a gay rights activist.

Still, at least he's not telling anyone to kill themselves this time, which is always an improvement if we're being honest.

3. Cheryl Cole has said something stupid.

And finally for today, if you thought that 50 Cent's "I've encouraged same-sex activities" was a fucking stupid quote, wait till you hear the latest pearl of wisdom from Geordie princess Cheryl Cole, during a promotional interview for her latest Calvin Harris-produced single Call My Name.

When talking about the recent collaboration between her "girl crush" Rihanna and her violent ex-boyfriend Chris Brown, Cheryl told In:Demand that she found it really kind of Rihanna to forgive Chris Brown for violently attacking her, biting her and hitting her so hard that her mouth filled up with blood, only for them to later team up and sing a song about touching her vagina with his mouth area.

As if that wasn't enough to make you cry out OH GOOD GOD CHERYL PLEASE DON'T SAY ANYMORE PLEASE DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD ON THE SUBJECT GO BACK TO FLOGGING SHAMPOO AND TELLING US WE'RE WORTH IT, Cheryl had some more to say, explaining that she actually thinks it's about time we all forgave Chris Brown, citing the fact she works (as part of her Cheryl Cole foundation) constantly with people who've "made mistakes" in their past when they were young and ended up being outstanding citizens.

She rounded it all off by stating she feels it's time we all moved on" because Chris Brown is "talented as hell".

Oh Cheryl. Cheryl Cheryl Cheryl.

I understand and appreciate that you don't want to look like a hypocrite, but there are massive differences between Chris Brown and yourself. For one thing, after that whole toilet attendant business (which it was proven in court was not a racist attack so let's not go down that road) Cheryl actually acted like she was sorry. Like she was ashamed of what she did. On the occasions she talks about it now, 8 years later, she continues to act as if it was a mistake, something sordid in her past that she wishes she would undo. In other words, from what we can see, Cheryl Cole is a changed character. She is reformed.

What I'd say about Chris Brown is that from what he shows, he is still the entitled, violent, misogynist, and homophobic creep he always was. It's impossible to forgive Chris Brown at the minute, because he doesn't seem to be sorry for what happened. I don't believe he wouldn't undo it if he could, but then I genuinely think it would just be because of how damaging to his career the whole thing was.

So, to cut a long story short, Cheryl Cole wants to hush her mouth. And that's that.

Aye alright then I'm done.
If you're enjoying having me back then, you know, do tell your mates.

1 comment:

  1. Excellent as always, Daniel. Also, Cheryl Cole, we as a society forgive intimate partner abuse far too easily. It's a problem that is hushed up and most people don't realize that it's the number one reason for women being admitted to emergency no, Cheryl Cole, it's not time to forgive Chris Brown.