Saturday, 12 May 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Well. I'm still heartbroken. This is bad news for my Twitter followers who are being subjected to almost hourly updates of the most undignified drivel including "I am eating every carbohydrate I encounter to heal the pain" and "OH MY GOD LIFE HAS KICKED ME IN THE TITS". 

My suffering is good news for fans of my bitchy ranting, however, as I'm more bitter than ever- and if you include yourself in that group then put your feet up and get ready for me to vent my heartache the only way I know how- by being horrible about some celebrities in a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Rihanna worries everyone then makes a quick recovery.


So we all know Rihanna loves a bit of a drink and a dance. So much so she sang a song about it that one time, remember? To be honest I'd forgive you if you didn't remember it, it hardly set the charts alight and then a few weeks later she released We Found Love which, let's face it, slightly over-shadowed her previous few singles (and, indeed, every other single to ever be released that year).

However, it looks like her partying ways may well have landed her in a spot of bother if rumours are to be believed. Earlier in the week, Rihanna posted this frankly alarming picture on her Twitter account, which was presented without any context, of her seemingly lying in a hospital bed with a drip in her arm:

  
The Daily Mail claim that Rihanna's team are praying for her to go to rehab as her lifestyle seems to be "spiralling out of control", though the Daily Mail's definition of "spiralling out of control" probably involves a shot of vodka jelly, a bottle of VK and a quick dash to catch the last metro home, so they're hardly the experts on this sort of thing.

However, there could be some truth to the rumours as the night before RiRi had been posting pictures of herself and her mates enjoying on a night out (unfortunately not anywhere Boldon Pizza Hut where I myself was enjoying an evening with my dear friend Sophie) on her Instagram account. 


Can we just talk about Instagram for a minute? Because I have some serious beef with Instagram, which in my eyes is the most pointless mobile phone app in recent memory. Why would anyone buy a phone with the best camera going and then want to make their photos look like they were taken on a camera from 30 years ago? Do you know what it is-- if you want to make your pictures look like they were taken on a Polaroid camera then fucking buy a Polaroid camera. They are not very expensive and there is a truckload of them on eBay. But for the love of God don't take a perfectly nice photo of yourself and your friends and then DELIBERATELY MAKE IT LOOK SHIT. This is an utterly pointless exercise, and you just look like a tool.

*cough*

So anyway, back to Rihanna. Thankfully, it seemed like she'd made a full recovery at the premier of Battleship which took place in LA. Better still, she managed to do a bit of leg-flashing that Angelina Jolie herself would be proud of:


You might even say she found leg in a hosiery-less place.

Oh. Dear.

2. If you're a Sex And The City fan, get ready for someone to piss all over the legacy of your favourite franchise.


You know me (actually I've been away a while, you might not know me at all. I might be completely new to you. Hello. My name's Daniel and I write about celebrities. I try to be nice but someone I love recently moved 5000 miles away so at the minute I'm taking it out on people more successful and good-looking than me), and you know how much I love Sex And The City. 

When I was living in France I had a poster of Sarah-Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw over my bed and a poster of Morrissey next to that, in the hope that while I was living in the city (Le Mans) I could become a fierce hybrid of the two. My friends and I have been known to apply lines from Sex And The City in our daily lives, much like people in days gone by would seek comfort in bible quotes. I have been known to make the font really big, open up a Word document and type out thought-provoking questions just to pretend I'm Carrie Bradshaw writing her column.

Unfortunately my beloved franchise has taken quite a hit as of late. First off there was the critically-panned Sex And The City 2 (I can't pretend I didn't love this film, though, and actually saw it three times when it was out at cinemas). Then came the abominable Carrie Diaries book, which saw our favourite New York writer reverting back to her teenage years. I read it on holiday last year in a couple of years. I was not impressed, and it takes a lot for something associated with Sex And The City to not impress me (unless, of course, you're talking about Kim Catrall's appearance in Crossroads which I like to pretend did not happen...)

You can imagine my distress when today it was announced that The CW (I'll admit I have not actually heard of this network but let's carry on OR CARRIE ON HOHOHO DO YOU GET IT BECAUSE THAT IS HER NAME) have officially commissioned a full series of The Carrie Diaries which will see teen actress Anna Sophia Robb playing a 16-year-old version of the role that Sarah-Jessica Parker made famous. If you're wondering why she might look familiar, let's take a look at where you probably saw her last:


And here it is again in Spanish:


Muy bien.

Watch this space, but my unfortunate prediction is that The Carrie Diaries will be una gran mierda.

3. Justin Bieber becomes more fanciable (and then says something ridiculous and immediately becomes less fanciable again).


Good news for fans of arguably-too-young-to-be-fit popstars (I'm looking at you, Harriet Johnson), it's never been more socially acceptable to fancy Justin Bieber. First off came the teaser for his latest single Boyfriend which, despite bewildering approval from some quite high-brow critics, I still think is a giant heap of shite. Mind you this is definitely worth a watch:


I love this clip for two reasons:

1. Justin Bieber looks fit in this FAR TOO SHORT clip.
2. Justin Bieber does a rap which mentions "fondue" in this clip.

The final video came online earlier last week and has already clocked up over 12 million views on YouTube, which if you ask me is pretty impressive for an act who the majority of people think is a bell-end despite not having any actual reason to think that other than the fact that a few young lasses fancy him and buy his records.

It seems that Justin Bieber is more determined than ever to show us that the kid Ludacris once playfully put in a headlock is gone, and that he's all grown up. HE EVEN HAS A BIG BOY SINGING VOICE NOW. For one thing HE'S DRIVING. Lucky bastard, more than I can do. He's then seen fondling a young lass who it must be said looks slightly like that lass he's boinking, otherwise known as Selena Gomez.

Frankly I could describe the video till the cows come home, but the last thing I want is udder prints on my mam's new settee, so I'll just let you watch it and save that bewildering turn of events, will I? Yes, I will:


Good hair, that.

As if The Biebster wasn't having enough of a good time, Justin succeeded elsewhere this week when he received his high-school diploma and kissed goodbye to education once and for all. Apparently were it left to himself, Justin would happily have dropped out of high school to concentrate on his music career, but it was in fact his mother who he decided to stick at the education system and graduate for.

In an interview with The Telegraph Justin talked about how he was happy to put education behind him. Did he discuss the important lessons he's gained as part of his education? Did he talk about how proud he was that he'd managed to succeed academically where thousands fail? No. Instead he said this:

"At school you have to do a lot of reading and writing. I'm really not into that stuff".

Not "into" reading and writing? Justin Bieber, you're one of the most influential people on the entire of planet Earth. You have over 21 million followers on Twitter (almost 7 times the population of Wales) hanging on your every word and waiting on you to tell them what to do- and what you tell them is that you're not "into" reading and writing.

I don't even know what to do with that quote, to be honest. Other than confirm what it seems the rest of the world have known for some time but for some reason I have been denying, and that is that Justin Bieber is clearly a moron.

SURELY NOT? HE DOES A RAP THAT MENTIONS FONDUE.

On that note I'm going to bed.
Hope you're all enjoying having me back on the scene.
Laters!
x

3 comments:

  1. So happy to see you blogging again! Does this mean we can start blogging book club now??

    x

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  2. delighted you are back!! <3

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  3. Abi get yourself on Twitter and I'll consider it.

    Hannah thanks very much lovely :) x

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