Thursday, 10 May 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I owe you all an apology. Actually it's not an apology, just an explanation. Basically, if you're wondering where I've been, I've been seeing someone amazing in France. When I wasn't working, laying around with my friends or getting off my face on bottles of wine which cost less than 3€, I was with him. I apologise that the time I had left over for blogging became smaller and smaller, and it was pushed to the bottom of my list of priorities.

So anyway, I'm back in the UK with a slightly revised attitude and, it must be said, a very much broken heart for the time being. This is good news for you though, my beloved readers, because the snarky gossip that has been missing from your life in the past months is about to make a return.

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup is back. Who knows, I may even post my "Top Singles Of 2011" list.

I wouldn't count on it though...

1. Britney Spears has no doubt had another career decision made on her behalf.

If you ask me, there just wasn't enough drama made about who would be judging on the American version of X Factor last year. There's nothing I loved hearing more than an unending revolving door of celebrities who'd be judging the "talent" alongside of Simon Cowell and L.A. Reid. It didn't make me want to show Simon Cowell the back of my hand even a little bit.

Thankfully for fans of X Factor drama such as myself (MAKE IT STOP WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE MAKE IT STOP), of the six people originally confirmed to be working on the American series (including Cheryl Cole, Nicole Scherzinger and Paula Abdul) only two of them will be returning for the second series. After being linked with a role on the panel for a few weeks now, it's more-or-less been confirmed that none other than Britney Jean Spears will become a judge when the show returns for its second season later this year.

Now I'm not being funny, but aside from being massively famous what will Britney Spears bring to the X Factor. I don't wish to be cruel but let's face it, the woman can barely string a sentence together unassisted let alone offering opinions or, worse yet, constructive criticism.

Which brings me onto my next point. If you had the voice of Leona Lewis, Alexandra Burke or even someone like Mary Byrne- how could you stand there and listen to someone like Britney Spears offer you tips on how you could improve your performance? Let's not forget that Britney's most recent tour gave us this performance of Madonna's Burning Up:

Were someone to give a performance as stilted as this on the X Factor, Simon Cowell would have a field day tearing them apart. At one point you can actually see Britney stop moving her lips along with her pre-recorded vocals and instead start mouthing her shopping list for the next day to herself.

And even if she were as amazing a performer as she was at the height of her popularity, the fact of the matter is that Britney Spears's brain is roughly 80% mush at this stage of the game, what performance advice is she likely to give other than:

1. That was, like, REALLY COOL.
2. You looked, like, so hot out there tonight.
3. That was totally cool.
4. You guys- that was awesssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzome.

What's worse is that Britney is apparently earning more than £9million to sit in her seat, drinking Pepsi, chewing obnoxiously on her chewing gum and agreeing with everything Simon Cowell tells her to say. MY ACTUAL LORD.

If I am wrong about this, then I apologise in advance. But can we honestly say we can see Britney Spears coming back for season 3 when her boss is Simon "Hires People Just To Sack Them" Cowell? WE SHALL SEE.

2. Meanwhile on that other TV show...

While the UK's own version of The Voice continues to be as dull as dishwater, it seems its American counterpart has recently become embroiled in its own drama thanks to mentors judges Christina Aguilera and Adam Levine.

It seems X-Tina (who really should be called X-Ina but that is neither here nor there) has been giving one of the contestants that Adam Levine has been mentoring a particularly hard time, and as a retaliation, Levine was lining him up to sing Jay-Z's 99 Problems as a thinly-veiled dig ("thinly-veiled dig"??? Have you heard me for fucks sake???") at Christina, however when Christina heard she complained to the network, who then told Adam he would have to change the word "bitch" in the song to "chick". FAIR ENOUGH IT'S A FAMILY SHOW AND ALL THAT.

Well that was it, Adam Levine was apparently so angered by that he stormed up to Christina and said she was the biggest "fucking cunt" going, which let's be honest is no way to talk to a woman of class, is it? He then stormed off set like a bloody big baby and refused to take part in rehearsals for the coaches' (not judges) group performance for the final which would be taking place later that night.

For some reason I just can't picture Jessie J and Sir Tom Jones at each others' throats like that, can you?

3. Chris Brown and Rihanna have fallen out.

Chris Brown appears to have upset his ex-victimgirlfriend Rihanna so much with a rap he recently recorded and put online that they are no longer speaking. You'd think hitting her so hard that her mouth filled up with blood would have done it, but it seems this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

The two appeared to have reconciled after they released a remix duet to Rihanna's song Birthday Cake earlier this year, controversially featuring the lyric "I know you wanna bite this" which is exactly what Chris Brown tried to do to Rihanna when he attacked her back in 2009.

However, it would appear their new-found friendship was short-lived thanks to the lyrics of Chris Brown's latest single which appear to imply that Rihanna has had a few penises inside of her vagina.

"Don't fuck with my old bitches", Brown raps on the single, possibly alluding to Rihanna, "Every industry n*gga had her". Rihanna reacted to the rap by going as far as to block Chris Brown on Twitter. She really showed him, didn't she? Rihanna? A slag? Surely not.

It feels good to be back, people.

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