Tuesday, 24 January 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I'll tell you what it is, folks. I'm bloody bored. I'm having a fabulous time owning the streets of Le Mans with my fellow assistants, but when we're all in our respective homes on my own it isn't half boring sometimes. I did the dishes earlier and got so excited I prematurely ejaculated halfway through. I'm off on Mondays now and, rather than doing my washing yesterday as I had planned, I thought to myself "ooooh I'll save it for later when I'm really bored- go mad". Jesus.

So anyway- what do I do, as a blogger, when I'm bored? I write. That's what I do. If you're a fan of my writing, people, it may interest you to hear that tomorrow (Wednesday) a thing I wrote is meant to be going up on So So Gay. It's basically an account of my year abroad but with a gay slant. Straight people can also enjoy it, although frankly how straight people can enjoy anything knowing that they aren't gay is beyond me. I salute you straight people, you bunch of boring bastards (nar man, straight people are alright. Well some are. Here is a list of straight people who, as far as I am concerned, are alright by me):

1. Sarah Jessica Parker
2. Professor Stephen Hawking
3. Carole
4. Nicola Roberts
5. Michelle Obama
6. That girl student I've got a bit of a crush on

The list is endless.

Thankfully for me, and other people who pass their days writing about celebrities rather than going out and living their lives, there's stuff going on left, right and centre within the world of the rich and/or famous and here is just some of that compressed, chewed up, swallowed, regurgitated and spat out again in one of them Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Nicki Minaj's new video could stand to be a bit more popular AND SHE HERSELF COULD STAND TO BE A BIT MORE PUNCTUAL.

Surely by this stage in the game I shouldn't have to tell you how I feel about Nicki Minaj, although just in case you're new to the blog or perhaps you've been stricken down with an incurable case of AMNESIA (!!!!!!!!!!) I'll fill you in. SHE IS THE BEST.

Therefore, when she revealed on Twitter last week that we could expect the video for her latest buzz single Stupid Hoe as early as Thursday I, and her legions of fans, got very excited. We shouldn't have built her hopes up, though. Nicki Minaj is known for not sticking to her promises in terms of putting shit out on time, and this was no exception:

If nothing else, I admire very much Nicki Minaj's tactic of blaming "cockheads" for the things in her career that don't go to plan. In fact, it was a "cockhead" that made me two hours late for work today. Had I realised this was a legitimate excuse I would have just explained this to my teacher and saved myself a lot of awkwardness. Silly me, eh?

Thankfully, this weekend I was, you know, somewhere, AND I SAW THAT THE VIDEO HAS BEEN RELEASED. Immediately I had to devour it, and as usual Nicki showed off some strange looks in the video, arguably stranger than we've ever seen from her before. Let's just examine a few of them:

In the first part of the video, Nicki proves to us exactly what hanging around Madonna for all this time has taught her. What a flexible young woman. "Boy you got my left leg bendin' away..."

It's not just massive flexibility that Nicki Minaj has got going for her though, folks, and she's determined to prove it. At this point Nicki proves how easily she can get that last bit of Nutella out of the corner of the jar. Or, indeed, what a good rimming she could give you. Two things which you probably don't want to mix up.

Conversely, Nicki has gone from über-helpful jar/bum-crack licker to being not very useful at all because she's in a bloody prison. It's not all bad, the prison is made of gold, and she is wearing rather a lot of leopard print, but still. It's no life that, is it? No it's not.

Thankfully, Nicki makes up for this earlier uselessness by putting on four watches at once, just in case you're curious what time it is in various time zones all at once and don't fancy doing some simple addition. Nicki Minaj has truly thought of everything. Seriously, though. Four watches. Really?

NOW it was surely obvious to Nicki Minaj before she got onto this giant chair that it was too tall for her. It's all well and good standing up on top of it thinking you're all that, but you won't be laughing when you have to do get down, will you Onika? No you won't. Thankfully you have a comically oversized derriere should you fall off.

And this is a picture of Nicki Minaj with some giant fake eyes and pink hair. Excellent.

The video immediately made the rounds and quickly became Nicki's second most watched video on YouTube after just a few days (following her biggest solo hit to date, Super Bass). Unfortunately for Nicki it hasn't made quite the splash she was hoping for, despite the video being a visual feast; with over 150,000 people opting to "dislike" the video on YouTube:

DEARIE ME. The question is: what do you think? Watch the video for yourself here:

The song itself is, of course, utter bollocks. And as for her punctuality:

Presumably that'll be those "cockheads" again. MUST. TRY. HARDER.

2. Madonna reminds us, once again, that she is not one to be fucked with.

Given that she is unarguably the most frightening woman in the world, you'd think most people would have realised by now that Madonna is one pop icon not to be messed with. Having said that, fellow icon Elton John is not exactly "most people" is he?

Both singers were nominated for the same award at the Golden Globes last week, in the category of Best Original Song. Elton had recorded a duet with Lady GaGa called Hello, Hello for Disney's Gnomeo and Juliet, while Madonna sang the song Masterpiece in her own directorial debut W.E. (don't worry I have no idea how either song goes either).

On the red carpet, Elton was his usual coy self declaring that Madonna had "no fucking chance" of winning the award, and that it would surely go to himself or fellow nominee Mary J Blige (who had also recorded a song nobody had heard of for the film The Help.) Madonna herself turned on her best game face and said "may the best man win" when quizzed herself before the ceremony.

As I'm sure you know by this stage, Madonna was the eventual winner of the award, prompting the best reaction face ever:


Meanwhile Elton's husband (or "husband" if you're a Daily Mail reader) David Furnish was less gracious in defeat, labelling Madonna "desperate", "embarrassing" and "narcissistic", also writing "Best original song?? Fuck off!!!" on his Facebook page. He's since massively backtracked, presumably after a giant telling off from a manager-type, and apologised to Madonna calling her a "great artist".

Madonna herself claimed to be oblivious to the comments (she doesn't go online allegedly, lest we forget), but then she is a very busy woman preparing for her Superbowl half-time performance which will feature guest appearances from Nicki Minaj and M.I.A. on their collaborative effort and grammatical abortion Gimme All Your Luvin'.

Let's just hope she doesn't do a Janet Jackson and let one of her tits fall out.

3. Denise Welch is causing quite a stir on the old telly-box.

I rarely mention it so it's easy to forget, but I actually live in France these days, and therefore most of my celebrity news these days comes from the one-sided and not altogether reliable source of Twitter. Therefore, this particular story is pieced together from various things I've read online, having seen none of it myself. If any of it is inaccurate, feel free to pool together to pay for me to get Channel 5 in my flat. That would be lovely. If not, shut your bouche, yeah?

So it seems that Celebrity Big Brother is back for a second go-around on its new home at Channel 5 and it seems to all be going rather well for them, it seems everyone is talking about the show and unsurprisingly Denise Welch seems to be the one name to set tongues going (steady on). Denise is never hesitant to mention on Loose Women that she suffers from what she calls "compulsive flashing disorder" (in fact apart from fiddling with her ear-piece, reminiscing about her golden days on Coronation Street and coughing every time a guest opens their mouth to speak, talking about flashing her tits seems to be all Denise does on the show).

No one was surprised, therefore, when during Frankie Cocozza's 19th birthday celebrations (incidentally, if I find out any of you voted for Frankie "Rockstar Oh Actually No I'm On Channel 5 And Once Shared A House With Sami Brookes" Cocozza I will come back to England and beat you with a shoe) she was seen galavanting with him in a jacuzzi, eventually flashing her bare breasts to the entire British nation to the horror of everyone in the house.

What's ruffled feathers most of all was earlier this week when Denise was drunkenly dancing with a fellow housemate and tried to jokingly pull down her pyjama bottoms, exposing her arse. Said housemate then fled to the Diary Room to tell Big Brother she felt exposed and abused in the house, calling herself "reserved" and "classy". This argument would, of course, be a lot more credible had said housemate not already flashed a lot more in Playboy magazine but for a lot more money.

The whole thing has raised a rather interesting debate: if you take your clothes off for a living and actively allow yourself to be wanked over by lads' mags readers, do you still have the right to complain when one of the Loose Women panelists tries to show your knickers off on reality TV. THE STUFF QUESTION TIME DEBATES ARE MADE OF, I'M SURE YOU AGREE.

I'm going to bed now, it's 1.30am here and I'd like to actually do something with my day tomorrow.
Who knows, maybe I'll do the laundry.

1 comment:

  1. I can't dislike Frankie, he seems rather nice (but dim) and stuck up for Denise and didn't raise his voice during all the drama. He was the most sensible one in the house. Wouldn't have had this opinion a few weeks ago.

    I like the Nicki Minaj video and the hair/make up but would prefer it if she wasn't writhing around in a cage.