Thursday, 5 January 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

After what can only be described as an extended period of sitting in the house and doing nothing towards the end of 2011, them famous people have finally recognised the plight of a celebrity blogger and decided to start being interesting again. Brilliant stuff. Because of this, and also because I'm currently in the staff room at work having had both of my lessons for ths morning cancelled meaning I got up at 6.20 this morning BEFORE THE SUN completely needlessly, you can sit back and enjoy the second Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup of 2012...

1. Dancing On Ice is back again. Christ.

For many, myself included, January is not an easy time of the year. Christmas is over, it's back to work in the cold with nothing to look forward to but Valentine's Day in just one month's time (ha!) and Spring, which isn't for bloody ages yet. Thankfully ITV have the solution for the January blues, the bloody awful Dancing On Ice which is remarkably back for a SEVENTH series this weekend.

Following in the footsteps (or, indeed, ice skate tracks YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE) as last year's contestants are the usual suspects including A-list names like Sam and Mark and Jennifer Ellison. Also participating will be Heidi Range, in one desperate attempt to prove that there's still some life in the old Sugababes franchise yet (although just to be sure Amelle Barbarrah is currently recording her own solo material).

It seems the series has already been plagued by drama before it's even begun, though (mercy!), as singer Chesney Hawkes took a tumble on the ice and will no longer be able to compete. Thankfully the producers have turned it from "Disaster Time" into "Chico Time" (you can see where this is going) by inviting the Greek former stripper to take his place.

Chico back on the telly. This is not going to end well, is it?

2. News to bring a (single) tear to the eye.

Days ago I broke the sad news that fun-loving singer Sinéad O'Connor, who was initially meant to be the first artist to record B*Witched's hit C'est La Vie before realising that such a gloomy song would tarnish her cheery image, had decided to end her marriage after sixteen days of wedded bliss following a hunt for cannabis which ended up in her being bombarded with crack cocaine on her wedding night.

If you're anything like myself the news will have hit hard. At first I just felt numb, though eventually I went through the usual stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining. I have since taken to wearing a black armband at all times to remind myself of Sinéad's plight and, truly, the death of true love. If Sinéad O'Connor can't make it work with a man she met on Twitter what hope do the rest of us have?

Despair no more, though, folks as just yesterday Sinéad herself posted this message of joy and magic on her official Twitter page:

That's right, folks. Grieve no more; Sinéad O'Connor is back with her husband after a night of shagging. Or, as she put it, "my husband is a big hairy caveman and he came to claim me with his club". Genuine quote, people. However, despite them having reverted back to seemingly married bliss, the couple have decided not to live together for the time being and instead are going to try being "boyfriend and girlfriend". Just like the Year 7 couple, except with a trip around the shady area of Las Vegas culminating in fistfuls of crack cocaine.

Disney are reportedly in talks to turn the whole thing into a feature film, starring Amy Adams as the crack dealer.

3. Lee Ryan has nothing planned for the next few weeks on account of his GREED.

The latest series of Celebrity Big Brother is starting tonight, which is all very exciting. "Hasn't it just been 5 minutes since the last series of Big Brother..?" you may ask yourself, and the answer is, indeed, yes but after their Amy Childs fly-on-the-wall show It's All About Amy turned out to be as dull as watching paint dry (but without the sense of satisfaction when it all reaches a shocking climlax and it dawns on you, with glee, that the paint is finally dry) Channel 5 realised that Celebrity Big Brother was unfortunately the only thing it has in its arsenal, so it seems they will be churning out series like no one's business. Keeps Sam France off the streets for a few weeks, if nothing else, eh?

Rumoured contestants include MENTAL-ILLNESS-IS-A-SERIOUS-BUSINESS comedienne Ruby Wax (interesting), I-shagged-my-husband's-brother-and-I-liked-it-the-taste-of-Imogen-Thomas's-chapstick Z-lister Natasha Giggs (tedious) and coughs-loudly-while-celebrities-answer-questions-while-fiddling-with-her-ear-piece Loose Woman Denise Welch (literally amazing). I swear if Denise Welch is genuinely in the house I am abandoning my year abroad, coming back to the UK and never stepping away from the live feed for the duration of her time in the house.

One man you won't be seeing in the Big Brother house tonight is Lee Ryan, despite initial rumours suggesting he'd be making an appearance. It seems the singer, who once spit-roasted a girl with Duncan James pausing only to high-five her half-way through (now THAT's Blue...), got a bit too big for his boots and ended up demanding more money. Rather than catering to his demands, however, Channel 5 instead gave him his marching orders. That's right, folks. Even Channel 5 don't want him. Bad times for Lee Ryan. At least he has his glittering music career to fall back on. Oh...wait...

Let's be honest, Lee Ryan would have been cringey viewing but he'd still have been a good housemate, so if Channel 5 are willing to let him go just like that they must be pretty certain they're onto a winner. Having said that, reports are also suggesting his last minute replacement is Romeo Dunn, so I may well have spoken too soon...

While we're on the subject of Celebrity Big Brother, I dunno if I've mentioned but I bloody well live in bloody France these days, so won't be watching Big Brother. If anyone is watching the launch tonight and fancies writing a summary of the housemates in DARE I SAY IT some class of "guest-post" then give me a comment below or a tweet or something. Just think, the chance to have your views on a Channel 5 reality show read by tens of twenties of people. Chance of a lifetime.

That's your lot!
I'm being quite serious about someone writing a cheeky Big Brother summary if anyone fancies it. IF NOT I'LL JUST EMBARRASSINGLY PRETEND I NEVER SAID ANYTHING.

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