Wednesday, 4 January 2012

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Well, folks. It's 2012. 2011 is officially over. Still to come are my "top singles of 2011" lists, which I'm sure you're so far off the edge of your seat in anticipation over that you're actually squatting over the floor, but before that I am going to do a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup. I'm sorry that I haven't been blogging much as of late and when I do blog it's mostly to go "LOOK AT ME ON MY YEAR ABROAD AREN'T I JUST THE BEST" but frankly I am the best so I'm sure you understand my reasoning behind that, don't you? Of course you do.

2011 was a mad year. Beyoncé got pregnant, Prince William liked it and put a ring on it and Nadine Coyle told me she liked my hair. Lady GaGa dressed up as me for an awards ceremony, Frankie Cocozza broke a "golden rule" and Cheryl Cole got kicked in the tits. Cher Lloyd told off the "haters", Nicola Roberts surprised us all with a stonker of a debut and Rihanna somehow found the time to collaborate with Jay-Z and Calvin Harris on her latest offering.

Nicki Minaj finally got acknowledged in the charts by releasing a bonus track as a single, Amy Winehouse died and Madonna revealed to the world that she really does not like hydrangeas. Britney shagged her boyfriend in a music video, Kerry Katona shocked us all by not being a total twat on Celebrity Big Brother and Justin Bieber ACTUALLY HAD SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH ANOTHER HUMAN.

How can 2012 compare to all that? Let's see...

1. The divorce bells are a-ringing.

Despite just weeks earlier insisting that he'd be with her until the end, this week the devastating news broke that Russell Brand has filed for divorce from his cream-shooting-breasted wife Katy Perry after just 14 months of marriage.

At the minute we know nothing about the divorce, other than that Russell is the one who filled all the forms in citing "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for the split. There you go. There's all of the concrete facts we know. Unfortunately that does not sell newspapers, does it? No it does not. CHOO CHOO-- THE SPECULATION TRAIN IS PULLING INTO THE STATION:


According to various "sources", who are in all honesty probably works of utter fiction, there are a number of contributing factors to the breakdown of Russell and Katy's marriage. For one thing Katy Perry was allegedly (translated: in the heads of journalists and nowhere in reality) unwilling to give Russell a baby even though he was reportedly (translated: pulled out of a lazy journalist's arse because it was very nearly the end of the year so who the fuck cares) keen to start a family.

Meanwhile another "source" claims that Katy's partying was getting too much for ex-alcoholic Russell Brand who it seems is apparently (translated: what you are about to read is most likely a lie) ready to settle down and have a family.

If you ask me, they probably just got married too quickly and without having spent too much time together since Katy was on tour and Russell is permanently shooting one film or another in his attempt to be taken seriously as an "actor" or whatever he's doing these days. I imagine they met at the VMAs, had a few months of uninterrupted blissful sex and then naively got married thinking it would always be like that, only to discover it's all a bit more complicated than you realise when you throw in two families living on the other side of the globe from one another.

Of course, now it is me who is completely speculating and pulling theories out of my anus, making me just as bad as the lazy "journalists" I've been slagging off in previous paragraphs.

It's ever so sad though, isn't it?

And if you thought the news about Russell and Katy was sad, then wait till you hear about the saddest celebrity marriage breakup of our times. Just when you thought it was safe to believe in love again, after just sixteen short days of marriage nit-hater and single-tear-crier Sinéad O'Connor has split up with her fourth husband (you know, the man she found in a horny search on Twitter and ended up marrying).

After being together just four short months, the couple got married in a Las Vegas ceremony, although according to Sinead herself the marriage was doomed from the offset as she left him during their wedding night on a desperate hunt for some marijuana. Somehow the two ended up in a rough end of town where she ended up being handed a seemingly large stash of crack cocaine. Not the traditional wedding gift, I'm sure you'll agree.

Throw in the fact that her new husband, who Sinéad met online after a desperate search for a shag (straight people don't know what they're missing with Grindr I'm telling you now), was a drugs counsellor and it seems it was all downhill from there just three hours after initially saying "I do".

Fifth time's a charm, eh, Sinéad? It seems that, as she famously sang, Nothing Compares 2 U. Apart from U. And U. And U. Oh and maybe U.

2. Alesha Dixon is given a load of money to judge others.

It seems that after seemingly downing a bottle of wine on national TV while Alan Carr looked on astonished, the British nation are back in love with Strictly Come Dancing judge Alesha Dixon. And why shouldn't they be? She is lively, exciteable, beautiful and a very good dancer (and singer) (oh and MC, let us not forget).

Yet despite the most recent series of Strictly Come Dancing being a massive success in the ratings (I dunno why it seems like a right heap of shite to me, but then I live in a bedsit without a telly), it was revealed this week that Alesha will not be returning to judge the next series later this year. It was then confirmed that she'd been swayed by Simon Cowell to sit alongside returning judge Amanda Holden and fresh face David Walliams on the next series of Britain's Got Talent, the show which started the careers of Susan Boyle, Diversity and no one else worth mentioning.

In what can only be described as a piece of gossip to make you exclaim "you go girl", Alesha is rumoured to be getting £300,000 to be on Britain's Got Talent which, when you consider the fact a trained monkey is qualified enough to sit on that panel and push a button when they've seen enough, is a massive amount of money.

I do think Alesha will be an amazing guest, but if there's one thing her time with Alan Carr has taught us it's that Alesha Dixon should be permanently pissed so that she will run her mouth off and rip the whole thing to shreds. I can imagine her now, stumbling onto the stage half-way through the finals, slurring "you'reaaaallllll shiiit" to the performers before leading the audience in a sing-a-long version of The Boy Does Nothing. Amazing stuff.

If you really want a laugh, let's have a look at Alesha Dixon's new single, which deals with the ever-controverisial subject of feeling a bit fat after Christmas so ganning to WeightWatchers and then chucking all your old clothes out because they made you feel fat and frumpy, presumably only to repeat the whole process next January when you're once again swollen and round after one two many turkey sandwiches and After Eights on Boxing Day:

What a heap of shite.

3. Is it all over before it began for Harry Styles and Cougar Flack?

So ever since Harry Styles off of One Direction was revealed to be cosying up to Caroline Flack off of The Xtra Factor, the media and, of course, social networking sites have reacted the way you might expect they would.

Some have claimed Harry is a "true lad" for managing to bag himself an older woman. Most have questioned what would provoke a woman in her early 30s to go out with someone who can't even legally order them a drink yet (the answer, of course, is that he's probably like one of them Duracell bunnies in bed, or at least that's how it goes in my head). Others, like my mam, are just happy to hear that Harry goes for older women (although she still hasn't totally forgiven him for that "pussy" remark to Matt Cardle at last year's X Factor final).

Needless to say poor old Caroline has been the subject of quite a lot of abuse from the online community, with some bloody mental teenage girls going as far as to send her death threats. Ridiculous, really.

However, those teenage girls (and, you know, my mam) can breathe a sigh a relief as it's looking as if the couple have decided to call it a day shortly before One Direction's tour of the UK starts, which is a shame as I was rather hoping that would be a dysfunctional relationship that would end up spiralling out of control. I was hoping there'd be a long engagement with everyone chipping in their opinions, with the eventual wedding ceremony being disrupted by my mam bursting in, hundreds of teenage girls in her wake, to perform an impromptu rendition of It Could Have Been Me.

Time will tell, folks. Time will tell.

Right. I've blogged.


  1. A bit surprised to see Shirley Carter off of Eastenders at 2:03. I guess being friends with Heather scared her into joining Weightwatchers.