Tuesday, 22 November 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


I keep starting blogs about my year abroad, but weirdly for someone who spends a good 75% of my time talking at people about myself, I find it difficult to sit down and write about what's going on. Since my last Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup not a lot has changed here in Le Mans, but quite a bit has gone on in the world of celebrities so why don't I talk about all that for now and then we'll see if I have anything half as interesting to say about myself at a later date, oui? Oui...

1. Rihanna wears a naughty shoe which if we're all being honest no one could give a fuck about.


OK so to truly understand this story we're going to have to hop in the time machines in our mind to this time last year, when Rihanna appeared on The X Factor final to perform what was then her new single, which we came to know as What's My Name? a song asking someone what your name is while they're performing oral sex on you, although realistically with a mouthful of labia it's quite difficult to form the phonemes necessary to convey the word "Rihanna" which is probably why she repeats "what's my name?" so many times during the song.

So anyway, as I'm sure you remember, loads of people phoned OFCOM to say "THAT NICE MAN MATT CARDLE WAS JUST SINGING A SONG NICELY WHEN SUDDENLY THIS HARLOT APPEARED AND STARTED GYRATING, IF IT WASN'T FOR HER I'D SAY HE HAD A LONG AND FRUITFUL CAREER AHEAD OF HIM BUT SHE'S MORE OR LESS PUT THE NAIL IN HIS COFFIN NOW. AWFUL."

In the 12 months that followed, practically every time Rihanna's name was mentioned in the Daily Mail the article concluded with "the Bajan pop princess caused a stir with a saucy/racy (delete as applicable) performance alongside Christina Aguilera at last year's final". If you don't believe me you can look through their archives for yourself.

Therefore when it was revealed that Rihanna would be making a return to the X Factor stage, this time to perform her Calvin Harris-produced single We Found Love (without that dead weight Matt Cardle hanging around) people were eager to see if she'd be making a similar controversy. What would she be wearing? What would she be doing? Would she mention last year's controversy?

As it turns out it was a pretty bog-standard performance, she came out dressed like a pack of shortbread, didn't even bother to pretend she was singing live for most of the song and reminded everyone her album would be out this week. And then she disappeared. Controversy-free. Or so it seemed...

You see Rihanna had a secret message slyly written on the side of one of her shoes, the simply message "fuck off". Nice. Naturally people are now pretending this has caused a giant stir with loads of people being offended, although actually when the performance was first aired nobody even noticed and therefore no one gave a shit and therefore (yes I said therefore twice WHAT OF IT?) the whole thing is a heap of shite. And now I'm repeating it and further spreading the shite.

Let's have a round of applause for celebrity blogging, everyone...

2. One Direction are feeling especially modest about their most recent single release.


The good thing about Twitter is that it really allows fans to get closer to the artists they love and admire. More importantly, it gives the artists themselves the chance to give fans an intimate look at their lives that they might not get to see otherwise. It allows the artist to show other sides to their character. For example, for all of their tomfoolery on stage, Twitter really shows the softer, more modest side to the boys of One Direction.

Of the One Direction (or 1D as the cool kids call them) lads, Liam Payne and Niall Horan are probably the two that tweet the most (the others are probably off buying chinos in bulk) but despite the fact that their latest single Gotta Be You was brand new on iTunes this week, thankfully Liam and Niall didn't let it dominate their Twitter feeds...


And it's certainly a relief to see, on a social networking site like Twitter, that the boys of One Direction have their feet firmly on the ground and still have it lodged firmly in their heads that as a group who came third on The X Factor they're lucky to have any chart success they can get...





What's really good to know is that the boys have stayed humble regardless of the "rollercoaster ride" they've been on the past 12 months, and are grateful for any chart success they can get. In fact it's clear when reading the boys' Twitter feeds that success isn't what drives them, and chart positions aren't really important-- they're clearly humbled by the fact that even esteemed pop acts such as Robyn and Nicola Roberts' most recent singles peaked at 55 and 40 respectively, so as long as they're making people happy who cares about the charts...



Gotta Be You, if you're interested, debuted at number 3 on Sunday.


Indeed.

3. Prepare yourself for this one, folks.


If you thought that Christmas was about joy and merriment, then you can think abloodygain, OK???? Lady GaGa has arrived with her new EP A Very GaGa Holiday and she's here to remind you what Christmas is all about-- her VERY SERIOUS, self-indulgent jazz inspired vocals, of course!

Because every now and then Lady GaGa needs to remind us that even though her entire first album was based around embracing the shallow side of life and her desperation to be famous for at the very least the 15 minutes Andy Warhol promised her, she's actually also a very serious, artiste and musician. That's why she's chosen to debut this cover of festive classic White Christmas but with a twist.

To prove her skills as a songwriter, she's also decided that the festive classic that's been passed down across generations is actually not long enough for her so rather than do what, you know, EVERYONE HAS DONE SINCE THE SONG WAS FIRST PERFORMED and sing the verse again, she's actually written her own piss-poor lyrics. If you're wondering what provoked her to do that, then you're in luck because during an instrumental middle 8, GaGa addresses the listener directly. It's as if she knew that we'd all be wondering "what the fuck was she thinking?"

"So...as you can tell I'm very outgoing", she explains over a horn solo, "And a little bit shy...BUT I DECIDED that this song is just too short". She then goes on to perform a second verse where she longs for a "white snowman". I'm not entirely sure what comes next because I could feel my blood pressure soaring with rage and thought it best to turn the song off (still it could have been worse, if she'd got her hands on "The Twelve Days Of Christmas" and added some extra verses we'd end up with 14 Beautiful People Just Being Themselves As God Intended or, more likely, 13 Bumlords Bumming)

If you'd like to listen to GaGa's laborious cover of White Christmas, and frankly after that glowing review why wouldn't you, here it is:



I can't be the only person who thought of this Family Guy moment as soon as I heard her sing "whhhhhite Christmas" for the first time...?


"Why are you putting so much emphasis on the 'h'?"

As if the whole thing wasn't ridiculous and pretentious enough, let's remind ourselves of the last time Lady GaGa did a Christmas song, shall we..?



The times have truly changed.

C'est tout.
A bientôt!
x

No comments:

Post a Comment