Sunday, 20 November 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I'm sorry my blogging is so infrequent these days, I'm busy running around pretending to know what I'm doing in front of classes of French teenagers, making to-do lists and not doing a thing on them and MOST IMPORTANTLY waking up on Saturday mornings knowing full well I have been sick somewhere in my flat but having no idea where.

It's not just me that's been all engines go, though. Just because celebrities aren't running around (read: dossing about) on their year abroad doesn't mean they aren't up to stuff. Here is some of that stuff in an all new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Some kid makes a prick of himself on American X Factor.


I don’t know about you, but it seems to me like the American X Factor is trudging along with no one paying the blindest bit of interest. Between that and the reportedly falling ratings for the UK series (coupled with the fact no one seems to give a fuck who wins this year), it wouldn’t be an outrageous claim that Simon Cowell may be a tad nervous for the future of the brand he’s put everything he’s got into.

Thankfully, there was (finally!) a bit of interest in the American series this week, courtesy of teenage rapper Astro (not to be confused with the dog off The Jetsons). Despite being one of the critics’ favourites, the 14-year-old had the misfortune of finding himself in the bottom two this week following a performance of Sting’s Every Breath You Take which prompted judge L.A. Reid to tell him that he has more maturity than some of the older contestants.

What L.A. Reid was not aware of was that when Astro found out that he was one of the acts in the bottom two that week that he would throw all of his toys out of the pram and essentially tell the audience they weren't worthy of listening to him perform. Initially he came out, and told the audience to a shower of boos that he didn’t feel it was "necessary" for him to “sing for survival”. And they said Cher Lloyd was an X Factor brat...

Simon went on to ask why he initially didn’t want to perform, to which Astro (real name Brian- LOL) said he didn’t want to perform for an audience of people who obviously didn’t want him there. Simon then told Astro t

o “think of his mother watching”, which is the best way to shame a 14-year-old boy into doing anything, although despite his stinking attitude he ended up being saved by three of the four judges meaning he goes on to rap another day.

Let’s remind ourselves of one of the best rap performances we’ve ever seen on a Simon Cowell show:


And one of the worst:


DEAR ME.

2. Chantelle Houghton is up the duff.


This one literally writes itself.

After a series of very public failed relationships with Preston off the Ordinary Boys and then Rav Wilding (who famously called the paparazzi to photograph a romantic picnic he'd planned for her only to start screaming at her and reducing her to tears in front of the UK's media photographers), Chantelle Houghton has finally been given a visit by the stork. And who’s the lucky man who’s spunked up in her? It’s bloody well only her bloody fiancé Alex bloody Reid isn’t it? Yes it is.

The two reality stars, who have both won Celebrity Big Brother in the past, got engaged last month after Alex proposed to her live on air, which is all well and good except he’s not technically divorced from Katie Price (the only person on earth with bigger jugs than the aforementioned Rav Wilding’s) which means that it could well be time to SOUND THE BIGAMY SIREN.

Katie and Alex split up last year among rumours that Katie was uncomfortable with Alex for wanting to be famous in his own right, as well as reports that she would ridicule him for being unable to get her pregnant and that he was fat.

The couple had been told by doctors they would not be able to conceive naturally, and Chantelle told OK! magazine that they were in fact just days away from starting IVF treatments. Chantelle claims that she had all of the hormones in her fridge ready to get started, although apparently she destroyed them by putting them too far back in the fridge and freezing them.

Amazing.

I look forward to what Katie Price will be pulling from up her sleeve next to steal their thunder.

3. Lady GaGa gets ready to marry the night. No word yet on whether it's a church service or a registry office job.


You might have seen Lady GaGa on last week’s X Factor performing her new single Marry The Night (One Direction were also there but the chances are unless you’re a teenage girl at the height of your frenzied sexual awakening you didn’t even pay them any attention). The song is a high-energy dance number about leaving your inhibitions behind and surrendering to the night time, so in a completely logical bit of staging GaGa performed the song dressed as a decapitated woman holding her own head in a confessional box.

If you missed the performance, you can watch it here:


What a daft bitch.

Anyway the other day Lady GaGa tweeted that because her fans had been so supportive of her performances of Marry The Night so far (and there were a lot of them, not surprising since Yoü and I peaked at 23 in the UK charts) that she’d be revealing a preview of her upcoming video entitled “Marry The Night: The Prelude Pathétique” (it’s gotten to the stage of pretentiousness now where even the previews of her music videos need names). She later clarified that she’d only be publishing a minute and a half of the preview. Apparently the full preview lasts 7 minutes and the video itself is her longest day to date.

Longer than Ale-ale-bloody-jandro-ale-ale-oh-my-god-this-is-going-on-forever-andro? Longer than Tele-what-the-fuck-is-even-going-on-you-were-in-prison-five-minutes-ago-and-suddenly-youre-making-a-cyanide-laced-sandwich-in-a-diner-with-Beyoncé-phone? Really? REALLY THOUGH?

GaGa eventually revealed the preview (which is essentially a preview of a preview) this Thursday, in which is seen being dragged around what appears to be a mental institution by two nurses. GaGa herself narrates over the top with the opening line: “when I look back on my life it’s not that I don’t want to see things exactly as they happened”. She then goes on to claim that she’s filled in the “ugly” holes in her memory to make them “beautiful” again.

For once I’m with GaGa on this one. For example, I was out in Le Mans with my new aren’t-we-fantastic-we’re-on-our-year-abroad mates and ended up drinking too much and essentially feeling up every heterosexual male in the bar. When I look back on that night, I prefer to think of us all drinking brandy, playing billiards and maybe shooting a pheasant rather than them cowering in a corner rocking backwards and forwards wishing not so much they’d never come to France as much as that they’d never been born, while I invite them all back to my studio apartment to enter me. According to Lady GaGa choosing to live in this alternate universe makes me an artist. I belive her.

You can watch “Marry The Night: The Prelude Pathétique” right this second right here if you want. There is not a second’s worth of music in it which seems slightly unusual for a music video:


For the record if this isn’t the world’s worst bum-number than I think it’s going to be her best music video yet.

That's it.
A bientôt!

2 comments:

  1. Eeee I got through about 30 minutes of the Lady Gaga video and turned it up. What a load of wanky bollocks - and this is coming from someone who sat through screenings of film students' work for three years.

    In other news, this is my favourite reality show rap: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkKaTeWI3KM

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