Sunday, 13 November 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I know I shouldn't have kept you waiting.
But I'm here now.

What would you know? I've been in France for more than six weeks now and I finally have Internet in my flat. I'll fill you all in on what I've been up to soon, but first I think it's time to get back to doing what I do best (which is evidently not teaching English, being in any way hands-on when it comes to making decisions about my own life or, indeed, talking to Southern people about anything besides Newcastle).

Let's slag some famous people off for no good reason in yet another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Frankie Cocozza has, once and for all, proved himself to be a massive, massive twat.


So, as you know, I’ve been out of the country for some time meaning my coverage of this year’s X Factor has been rather sparse. In fact, I’ve felt rather out of the loop about the whole thing, relying solely on Twitter and the word of my nutty parents to give me the scoop on which contestants are doing well and which are disgracing themselves and, indeed, the entire nation.

Week after week, though, I was appalled to learn that the British public were voting to keep that massive bellend Frankie Cocozza in the country. You might recall when Frankie first auditioned for the competition, I took an immediate dislike to him largely because he described himself as “mental” and got his arse out for the entire nation before he’d even sung a note. Poor old Justin Bieber sings a few OK songs and becomes a figure of hate while Frankie Cocozza pulls down his miserable Calvins to show his pathetic anus off to the nation and gets a fast-track to his fifteen minutes of fame. Ridiculous.

As this year’s competition trudged along (let’s be honest, this has been the worst year since Leon Jackson won and even that had Sharon Osbourne’s very public dispute with Dannii Minogue to keep us all entertained) it seems Frankie’s “antics” (*vomits*) have become even more controversial with reports that he has been shagging girls left, right and centre. He even stirred up controversy when he announced on The Xtra Factor that he had “banged” one of the Geordie Shore lasses, which is a bit like telling people you’ve been to Majorca for your summer holidays; I’m sure you had a great time and everything but so did a thousand other people.

So anyway, in a SENSATIONAL twist, it was announced earlier this week that Frankie ahs been SENSATIONALLY kicked off the show in what can only be described as a giant SENSATION. According to an official statement from the show, Frankie had broken a “golden rule” of the show. At first I thought the “golden rule” must have involved being a giant, giant bell-end but that would also have meant an automatic elimination for Janet Devlin and, indeed, the entire judging panel so that can’t have been it.

Rumours then began to circulate that Frankie had been bragging backstage that he’d been snorting cocaine just hours after being told by rock god Louis Walsh that he is “not a rockstar” and “never will be”. Frankie then took to his Twitter to defend himself with the following tweet:


Let’s face it, that’s a bit of a pathetic statement, isn’t it? A bit like being dumped by someone and then putting “WHATEVS NEVA FANCIED U ANYWAY MATE” as your Facebook status, isn’t it?

As for using The X Factor as a start, it’s pleasing to see that Frankie will not let this affect his journey and will be keeping his eyes on the prize. LOL JK WHICH REALITY SHOW DO WE THINK FRANKIE WILL BE APPEARING ON FIRST? I’d suggest Dancing On Ice but by the sounds of things it seems like Frankie prefers grass and snow to ice.

DO YOU GET IT? BECAUSE OF ALL THE DRUGS HE IS REPORTED TO HAVE INGESTED!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

What a prick.

2. Could it be that Justin Bieber has enough testosterone whizzing around inside of him to impregnate another human being?


It’s news so shocking that we’ve even been discussing it in some of my lessons- there is a young lady out there declaring that Justin Bieber is the father of her four-month-old baby. Baby. Baby.

Justin himself is not happy, and has claimed that he has never even met Mariah Yeater, the 20-year-old woman claiming she took Justin’s virginity in a toilet and consequently became pregnant with his child. And they say romance is dead, eh?

The lass herself is hardly the most reliable of sources, though. As if the story wasn’t already murky enough, she’s already told someone else that he is the father and is currently due to face a judge after she smacked one of her ex-boyfriends around. One thing is for sure and that is that Mariah Yeater is something of a crazy bitch, but you can’t just go around saying people are the father of your baby when they aren’t, can you?

Justin himself, of course, is not best pleased, and has branded the whole debacle as “crap and lies” on his Twitter page. However, he has agreed to take a paternity test to hopefully put the whole thing to bed. It’s not yet known whether he will be using Jeremy Kyle’s services in order to set the record straight, but I can only pray that he does. The thought of Jezza shouting “PUT SOMETHING AT THE END OF IT” before going to Selena Gomez in the audience, telling her “you’re mic’ed up already, welcome to the show” is a dream I pray comes to fruition...

The sad truth if Justin turns out to be the father of the child is, of course, that even Justin Bieber is managing to get laid more than me :(

3. Madonna has a new song out and it is worth listening to, unless you’ve already made your mind up about her in which case listening to it is a waste of time.


It’s not always easy being a Madonna fan. Often, you find yourself having to defend her against people who claim she’s “too old”, “irrelevant” and “trying too hard”. Sometimes, when she’s on the top of her game making banging pop records and telling fans she hates the flowers they’ve brought for her, she makes herself easy to defend. Other times, when she’s thrusting her Crunchy-Nut-Cornflakes-fanny in your face and making up stories about dance-offs with Lady GaGa, it’s more difficult to defend her.

That’s why when it was revealed that her upcoming single Give Me All Your Love, produced by Martin Solveig, had leaked online I was apprehensive. While, of course, I was excited to hear her latest music, her last offering featured a phoned-in verse from Lil Wayne where she boasted “my sex is a killer” and told us “my love’s a revolver-volver-volver” until images of Madonna’s vulva were indeed burned on the inside of your eyelids.

Thankfully one listen to Give Me All Your Love more or less affirms that the Hard Candy era is officially over. Gone are cries of “see my bootie get down” and references to her crusty vagina. Instead she’s put out an unselfconscious and, especially by Madonna’s standards, fun song which sounds very 2011 without sounding like it’s trying too hard to be “young” or “current”.

I have a specific message for people who think Madonna is too old to be making music these days, particularly pop music which has a history of being youth-obsessed. This is a job Madonna has been in for 30 years, why should she back down just because she isn’t 22 anymore? Think about your own mother, would you be happy if someone told her she couldn’t do her job anymore just because of her age?

On a similar train of thought, I must admit that looking back Hard Candy did seem, in retrospect, to be trying a bit too hard. If my mam put out an album like Hard Candy, I wouldn’t really be supportive. However, if my mam was to release a single like Give Me All Your Love I would be very happy indeed. In fact, if any record producers are reading this, I believe my mam was put on this earth to perform a song just like Give Me All Your Love at G-A-Y on a Saturday night for a group of largely underage homosexuals off their face on half-price VK and poppers. If someone could make this happen I’d be very grateful.

I could describe it for you till the cows come home and moo through the letterbox, but really all you want is a clip, right? Right.


Good, innit?

Someone who’s less than won over by the leaked song, however, is ex-Girls Aloud singer Nicola Roberts, whose tweets would seem to imply that, like hundreds of others on Twitter, she has noticed similarities between her own song Beat Of My Drum and the new Madonna single, namely the opening line (“L-U-V Madonna”) which is strikingly similar to the chorus of Nicola’s debut single (“L-O-V-E, dance to the beat of my drum).

IN AN AMAZING TWIST, fellow Girls Aloud member Cheryl Cole tried to console Nicola...


...but it was no good...


WOWIE.

Meanwhile, Madonna’s reps have claimed that the leak is only a demo and Madonna is said to be fuming that the song has leaked. I imagine she took her frustration out in the typical Madonna fashion by chucking her youngest across the living room.

The song will be performed live for the first time at the Superbowl, which will apparently feature a collaboration between Lady Madge and Nicki Minaj which, let’s face it, will probably give me a heart attack. I’m trying not to think too much about it in case I spontaneously combust.

That’s it.
I’m back.
It feels good.
Laters!

2 comments:

  1. Here to make a fuss, entertaining as always.
    I forgot to tell you that I met Brit's boyfriend and PA, rather exciting and Kitty which is less exciting.
    I want someone boring to win like Craig and then Marcus to get a great album. The winners rarely do well internationally.

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  2. I'm really looking forward to M's new single release, video, album and tour.... it's all very exciting!!!

    http://jasontellsitlikeitis.com/

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