Sunday, 18 September 2011

X Factor Roundup: Auditions (Part 5).

I'll admit I've fallen a bit behind in my X Factor roundups, considering that this blog will probably be published a week after the show it's summarising first aired, and two further shows will have aired since then which is a bit confusing, but I'm a bit OCD when it comes to chronology, so let's have a look back over last Sunday's show and the freaks we're having rammed down our throats this time around...

Marcus Collins

Before Marcus speaks, or even looks at the camera, our first impression of him is in the "X Factor makeup room" spraying hairspray for 6 seconds. Already Marcus has won my heart, simply for his dedication to the application of hairspray. When he speaks, in his cute little Scouse accent (the good kind, not the kind that makes you want to attack your ear-drums with a knitting needle) it's a relief because he isn't up himself or conceited or anything like that, he's a sunny lad who clearly just wants to sing.

Things do take a plummeting turn for the worst when Marcus tells us that his clients call him "The Singing Hairdresser", which can only be described as a gigantic, stonking lie. They're hardly going to address him to his face as "Singing Hairdresser", are they? No they are not. In which case they'd have to call him that behind his back. And how would he know that? He wouldn't. THERE IS NO NEED FOR LYING ON THE X FACTOR, MARCUS.

Thankfully, Marcus gets things back on track when he starts singing, because he is fantastic. His song choice (Stevie "I Dropped My Pen Could Someone Save Me The Embarrassment And Hand It To Me" Wonder's Signed, Sealed, Delivered) could potentially be a bit boring because it's more-or-less the same thing over-and-over, but Marcus manages to bring some proper energy to it and his voice is ASTOUNDING. Well done to all concerned.

On a side note, it feels good (though a little unusual) to not be ripping a contestant to shreds on this blog for one reason or another. You know what this is, don't you? It's growth.

Have we seen the last of Marcus..? I hope not, it seems like he can do it all. He has the personality, the looks, the voice. It would not surprise me if he could also breathe fire while plate-spinning at the same time. Good show.

Jonjo Kerr

Jonjo is like The Sun's wet dream. He's a soldier. He's a devoted father. He's got a stupid fucking hat on. I don't need to tell you that as Jonjo tells us about his family, and his time in the military, Use Somebody by Kings of Fucking Leon is playing.

Jonjo explains that he is more scared going in front of the X Factor judges than he is to go to Afghanistan. This is arguably the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. One of those things involves the possibility of having all your limbs blown off, while the other involves Louis Walsh telling you that you have the "likeability factor" and that you remind him of someone else.

So out he struts onto the stage, and tells us some of his army mates have come to support him "with my wife...*pause* pregnant wife". THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS. His wife is pregnant.

"I have a girlie question," says Kelly Look At Me Rowland, "How far along is your wife?" And, of course, it turns out she's ready to burst at any minute. It's a good job Simon Cowell is less involved this year, he'd have had her induced there and then to make sure the first ever X Factor birth took place on his watch. He says he hopes he doesn't mess it up.

IT TURNS OUT THAT HE BLOODY WELL DOES, THOUGH. "Oops I've got the timing wrong". Then he CONTINUES SINGING IT WRONG. The judges stop the song. And the serious music starts.

"You've gotta get your act together, this is no longer you performing in front of your mates", says Joyless Barlow. He starts again, and presumably the point is that he has pulled himself together, although anyone who knows the song well will realise that he has once again got the words wrong, singing "ever see a young girl cross the road", which is not a remarkable thing to see at all, is it? I see that all the time. He gets to the chorus and starts sounding a bit like Animal from The Muppets but the audience are shitting their pants over him so it's all-too-clear that the judges are gonna put him through.

"You moved me to tears," says Kelly Rowland, which is hardly remarkable because that woman would probably cry if she got to the bus-stop two minutes too late and had to wait five minutes for the next one. In fact she'd probably cry of happiness if she got the bus-stop on time, such is her emotional state. Ridiculous woman.

Have we seen the last of Jonjo..? Stupid name, stupid hat, OK performance < Pregnant wife, army man. NO I SUSPECT WE WILL BE SEEING A LOT MORE OF HIM. UNFORTUNATELY.

Which brings us nicely to...

Hilarious X Factor Visual of the Night

Graham Bennett putting deodorant on. It looks like his torso is frowning.

Watch the auditions yourself:
Marcus Collins - Signed, Sealed, Delivered
Graham Bennett - She Bangs/It Wasn't Me


  1. Pretty much pissed myself laughing throughout your bit on Jonjo.

  2. Hahaha your thoughts on Jonjo mirror those of my friends and I perfectly, it was hardly worth watching it was so obvious what the outcome was going to be!

  3. He could have sat down and had a shit there and then on the stage and he'd still have got through.