Monday, 5 September 2011

How do you solve a problem like Katona?

I tried to resist, I promise you I did, but Kerry Katona has well and truly won me over on the latest series of Celebrity Big Brother. I never thought I'd say this, but she's reminded me why we as a nation first warmed to Kerry in the first place during her time in the Big Brother house. Admittedly she’s not exactly a razor-sharp wit, but Kerry does have a certain charisma and charm around her, largely down to her straight-to-the-point manner and the fact she is unashamedly- in fact, almost boastfully- flawed.

While admittedly we may never have never slurred on the sofa with Phil and Fearne or unknowingly snorted cocaine in full view of journalists from News Of The World, but I feel like we can all relate to poor old Kerry a little bit. Whether it’s going out with the wrong person, having one too many drinks in company we’ve been trying desperately to impress, or taking a job we feel is beneath us just to make ends meet- we all have mistakes in our past, it’s just unfortunate for Kerry that all of hers have been in full view of the media.

One lingering thought has remained in my mind throughout several of Kerry’s important moments in the house: when this series is over I would like to see some more of Kerry Katona on my television. The only issue with that is how. I have no desire for Kerry to make another fly-on-the-wall documentary, the fact of the matter is that while Kerry’s past mistakes may be so mammothly debauched they’d make your hair curl, her current life is simply too boring to make an entertaining fly-on-the-wall show. I watched her most recent “documentary” on ITV2, the unfortunate highlight came when in the middle of her holiday her manager made her piss into a coffee mug to prove she wasn’t on cocaine.

In place of all that I’ve racked my brain and came up with a few concepts for some new shows to give Kerry her hundredth second chance in. If you're reading this BBC Three, Channel Five or even E4 (I'm feeling optimistic) then feel free to nick my ideas provided I can host whatever ridiculous project you have coming up next. Deal? Excellent.

Kerry Katona: What Happens On Tour...

We all know Kerry’s a family girl now (“AH LUVMEE KIDS UP TURRSTARS ANNMOON AN BACK”), but if we’re honest it’s her fun-loving side that we’re most drawn to. The first idea I had for Kerry was a tour of some of the UK’s top night-spots where she could have a few naughty drinks and generally have some drunken fun to entertain us.

The problem with this, of course, is the fact that Kerry Katona is not exactly known for doing things by halves and something that started out as a light-hearted show intending Kerry to make a bit of a tit of herself, perhaps falling over in some branch of Tiger Tiger before grabbing a kebab and hailing herself a taxi, could quickly turn into a rather bleak view inside of Kerry Katona’s re-decline into addiction, culminating in an intervention and a scene with Kerry screaming “YOU DID THISSTER MEH, YOU BASTARDS” as she is carted off to rehab.

It was Vanessa who then suggested on Twitter that perhaps the idea of Kerry doing a cross-country tour is a good one, but in a shock twist she could be visiting a string of the UK’s most celebrated libraries. “But still drunk, obvs”, adds Vanessa.


Dear Kerry...

It’s fair to say that Kerry Katona has crammed a lot into her thirty years on the planet, being kicked in the tits almost every way imaginable, which makes her a perfect candidate for dishing out advice on how not to live your life.

The premise would be simple, Kerry would sit in a big armchair reading out problems sent in by viewers and attempting to solve them. Depending on the channel, this show would probably need a panel of celebrities to chip in as well. It seems like the sort of thing Sarah Milican would inevitably end up showing up on, and obviously a show headed by Kerry Katona wouldn’t be complete without an appearance from either Jeff Brazier or Alex Reid. I imagine Coleen Nolan would be knocking down the studio door at the promise of patronising a non-famous person with her worldly wisdom as well.

As time went on, more complex problems could be taken into the studio in a Jeremy Kyle-esque setup where Kerry talks to both parties independently before eventually giving her invaluable advice.

Foxy Bingo are probably already falling over themselves to sponsor it.

Are You Smarter Than Kerry Katona?

A bit like that programme Are You Smarter Than A 10 Year Old? except this programme will have a target demographic which won't consist exclusively of paedophiles. Each week people will be asked a series of general knowledge questions in a bid to prove that they are not as thick as Kerry Katona.

However, to make things more difficult, and in order to make things more fair for Kerry, the contestants must get steadily more pissed as the quiz goes on. For every correct answer the contestant must take a shot of tequila in order for them to truly get themselves in the Katona state of mind.

Furthermore, as the prize money increases further down the line and the contestant becomes more disorientated, "the Katona experience" heightens even further, with the noise of four kids being played into a contestant's ear while important figures from their past re-emerge to try and take away their prize money.

I'm not sure of all the rules quite yet, but I imagine if a contestant is sick from the drink they automatically have to hand half of their prize money over to Kerry, who will probably end up buying a Lamborghini with it and then needing to declare herself bankrupt again. You know, as she does.

Kerry Katona: I Can Do That

Undeniably my favourite of the Kerry Katona potential comeback shows, in this series Kerry is given a weekly challenge culminating in a live performance of some sort. Some weeks the challenges can be skill-based, learning to play the recorder for example. Other weeks she can master some class of physical activity, like horse-back riding or fencing which she would then have to perform live on air.

However, as the series becomes more popular the stakes would inevitably be raised and the live challenges would undoubtedly become more difficult. Simple performance-based activities would be done away with in favour of hearing Kerry carry out a 15 minute debate in Portugese or navigate her way through a maze blind-folded.

The series finale would have to be explosive, and I've got just the solution. First of all, Kerry could carry out heart surgery on someone in order to win a holiday for a family-of-four (imagine the distaste as the inevitable "well, she botched it, so sorry Johnson family it looks like you're going back to Milton Keynes empty-handed" was announced live on air). Finally, Kerry could wrestle a live bear. Live. Imagine the publicity. Imagine the opening video "I'm Kerry Katona, I've fought off worse than a bear".


Kerry Katona: Buried Alive

Let's face it, there's nothing this woman wouldn't do for publicity so burying her alive and filming her try and get out would be excellent viewing.

I'm going to have to wrap this blog up here, I'm afraid. ITV2 are on the phone.

1 comment:

  1. I like the library idea, if ITV2 wont have her I'm sure Living will.
    She can come to the Uni library where I work in Cardiff and issue books to students so I can spend my time doing useful things like reading your blog x