Sunday, 21 August 2011

X Factor Roundup: Auditions (Part 1).

Well folks, The X Factor is finally back. Although they tried to keep it as quiet and low-key as possible *cruise-ship full of fireworks explodes firing the message "We Love Tulisa" over the night sky of Great Britain* you may still have heard that tonight saw the debut of THREE NEW JUDGES!

Simon and Cheryl both quit to do the American version of X Factor (a better decision for the former than it was the latter, I'm sure you'll agree), while Dannii Minogue was too busy doing...something. I dunno. Either way, it left Louis Walsh as the last judge standing alongside newcomers Kelly Rowland ("off Destiny's Child" and also "occasionally quite good solo star"), Gary Barlow ("off Take That" and also "quite impressive chest-hair have-r") and Tulisa ("off N-Dubz" and also "rather feisty ie. not willing to smile sweetly while The Daily Mail question her lifestyle and Heat magazine put a red ring around her cellulite).

It's not all about the judges, though (apparently). It's about the hunt for the UK's next superstar. Did we find it tonight? No we absolutely did not. I was literally flabbergasted at the absolute bell-ends who wandered onto the O2 stage tonight all in the name of getting a six-month recording contract and a guaranteed spot on the next series of Dancing On Ice/I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here/Popstar To Operastar. At one point I thought I might have sat on the remote and accidentally turned over from "ITV1" to the "24 Hour Parade Of Cunts" channel, but unfortunately this was not the case.

Let's remind ourselves of the "characters" we met this evening...

Frankie Cocozza

"To sum up my life", begins Frankie in his introductory video, "I'd probably use the word mental". Already I hate this person and I know literally nothing about him apart from the fact his name is Frankie and he believes his life is mental. You can already tell Frankie is one of those tedious individuals for whom "having fun" is actually a chore, and no night-out is complete without a photo of every single drink he's consumed over the evening (although thankfully a photograph of 4 empty bottles of WKD does not require a particularly wide-shot).

He states later that he's only doing The X Factor so he can "sleep with loads of girls". Christ alive, any lass who throws themselves at this twerp deserves every unpleasant sexually transmitted infection going. That's not all, though. He goes on to say that if you went on a night out with him you'd wake up "wondering what happened last night". In case this happened to you I will happily fill you in.

What Happened On Your Night Out With Fun-Time Frankie:
7.30pm Dropped off in town by Frankie's mam at 7.30pm. Make sure you give her a text if you think you're going to be out late so she knows whether or not to wait up for him.
7.45pm Arrive at your first bar. Wonder why it is so empty. Decide that it is because everyone else is pussies and you are going to stay up all night.
7.50pm First drink. WKD each. Your round.
8.20pm Frankie has officially run out of funny stories. There are now about 8 people in the bar.
8.25pm Second drink, WKD each again. Your round again while Frankie goes to the toilet because he feels a bit sick.
9.35pm You're now onto your third drink. The DJ is playing a David Guetta song. Frankie is properly drunk and dancing like a right tit. He is sweating quite a lot, and has suggested you get you a vodka each while Frankie goes and talks to the group of lasses "eyeing him up".
9.45pm You come back from the bar with a vodka and coke each. You drink yours casually, but Frankie sips his suspiciously. "Is this a double," he asks. You reply that it's a single. You ask where those girls are and it turns out Frankie mistakenly thought the girls were eyeing him up but in fact they just couldn't believe how ridiculous has dancing was.
9.55pm Frankie gets turned down by his second girl of the night. He flashes her the tattoo on his arse. Just as you finish your vodka and coke, Frankie runs to the toilet.
10pm Frankie is not yet back from the toilet.
10.05pm Frankie is back from the toilet. One of the girls who Frankie flashed his arse at earlier comes over and talks to you. She is pretty in a "not obvious" way.
10.10pm Frankie comes back from the toilets with blood-shot eyes. You ask him if he's alright. "I'm fine," he replies, "my mum's coming for us in 10 minutes". You wonder why this is if Frankie is genuinely "fine". It is only then you realise Frankie has sick on his trainers. The girl wanders off, disgusted.
10.50pm You are home. Your parents take the piss out of you for being home so early, then realise you are upset and decide to leave it.
10.55pm You see a Facebook update from someone you wish you could have been out with. "Pre-drinks over," it says, "can't wait to get our dance on".
11.10pm Cry yourself to sleep, and remind yourself you don't owe Frankie anything as he does nothing but weigh you down.

Before he's even sung a note, Frankie has flashed the judges his arse which has the names of seven different girls on. Kelly Rowland says she'd love to be the eighth name on his list. I remind you this is the woman behind Independent Woman and Survivor. Sickening.

Have we seen the last of Frankie?: Regrettably not, I imagine.

Kitty Brucknell

Because Katie Waissel was such a hit with the British public last year, X Factor producers have luckily found a clone of her to go through except even less likeable. Before she even opens her mouth to sing we're inundated with a list of things she does that make her a star. She has certain choreographers she prefers, certain producers she'd like to work with. She even has a name for her own style. The name is so cutting edge you might want to sit down if you aren't already. Are you read for this..?

Diva. Glam. Pop.

Jesus fucking Christ, what is with the contestants this year? By this stage in the programme we've only seen two and they've both got egos so big that they fill the entire O2 arena by themselves. Then Kitty decides she's going to perform The Edge of Glory acapella. It's OK. A bit shouty.

THEN SHE SITS DOWN ON THE BLOODY STAGE RIGHT WHEN THEY'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF GIVING HER THEIR FEEDBACK. "I always wanted to sit here," she says, interrupting poor Louis Walsh, "so I'm going to sit here right now". Fucking hell what a non-conformist. SITTING DOWN. ON A STAGE?? And here's me thinking Madonna was cutting edge dancing in front of burning crucifixes and shagging a black saint on an altar. Madonna doesn't know shit, she never sat down IN FRONT OF TULISA FROM N-DUBZ.

Have we seen the last of Kitty?: With zero likeability and slightly-above-zero talent, I'd like to think the producers of X Factor wouldn't be stupid enough to force her down the public's throats. Then again, you just don't know, do you?

Janet Devlin

People just aren't called Janet anymore, are they? It's a shame. So anyway the instrumental of Adele's Set Fire To The Rain starts and it's obvious we're in for some serious stuff. This next singer has had to overcome something. And she begins to tell us about her life.

"My house is quite literally in the middle of nowhere," she says. And it's obvious what her sob story is. To audition for The X Factor she has had to cross-over from another dimension which doesn't mathematically exist because there is nothing around it. SHE WANTS TO NOT USE THE WORD "LITERALLY" IF SHE'S THEN GOING TO USE A METAPHOR, DOESN'T SHE? Already I dislike her. Then on she goes to exploit her small home town in Northern Ireland where she explains, "because of where I live I do spend a lot of time in my room, reading writing and singing".

Now I'm not being funny but there were riots all over the UK last week, and some people were too scared shitless to leave their homes for fear of having their heads kicked in. Now THAT is confinement. Someone wants to have a word with this small-town girl and tell her things could be a lot worse than having to stay in. "OH BOO HOO HOO I HAVE TO DRIVE TWENTY MINUTES IF I WANT A BIG MAC AND ALL I CAN SEE FROM MY BACK WINDOW IS GREEN FIELDS". Listen here, Princess, out of my back window I can see the charred remains of Hebburn New Town Club and a Netto in the distance, nowhere is perfect.

Anyway, all that aside she sings the Ellie Goulding version of Your Song which, if you ask, me is the worst audition song in the history of the world because you can't show off your voice with it (having said that I did get through the first round of The X Factor 2008 singing the Elton John version, little-known fact about me there!), and the judges all get a bit weepy because "ooh isn't she nervous". She's that smug kind of nervous where she pretends not to know how good she is even though she's actually not as good as she thinks she is. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

I'll admit she was my favourite of the auditionees on tonight's show but that's a bit like saying "of all the hoodies who beat my grandma up and shit in her handbag, you are my favourite".

Have we seen the last of Janet?: No we definitely have not, and I can't wait to research her home-town and find out it actually has its own bowling alley, cinema and Quasar Laser.

George Gerasimou

When first we meet George, we're immediately taken on a trip down memory lane to when he was a part of R&B trio Triple Trouble who went on to tell Simon Cowell to "shut up" and stormed off the stage in a rage (poet and I didn't even know it) when they were given a unanimous "no" from the previous set of judges.

We're told George is here to "clear his name" as he wants to prove to the new load of judges that he's a changed man and will no longer storm around acting like a prick. "What a nice young man," I thought, "he's accepted he's made mistakes in the past and here he is ready to move on. Admirable. I even fancy him a bit if I'm honest, even if he is a bit rough".

He then tells the judges he's singing Ne-Yo's Give Me Everything and it's at this point I realised George had no interest in clearing his name and becoming a popstar. Realistically, if you were that determined to be a popstar, you'd know that Ne-Yo is only a featured artist on Give Me Everything. That might sound a bit petty, but realistically you would know, wouldn't you? This young man just wants to get on the telly again as the lads round his way have forgotten he was ever on The X Factor and stopped offering him blow-jobs.

The music starts and, predictably, he's atrocious. He gives it his best shot and it's all a bit awkward. Clearly he was hoping the judges would tear into him straight away, he could say his piece and stride off. But they don't. These judges are fresh out the box, they aren't jaded like Simon and Dannii were, and they're prepared to shuffle awkwardly in his seat until he's finished. So George decides to take things into his own hands and wander into the audience.

It's at this point Gary Barlow can take no more and raises his hand to stop the music. George is a bit perplexed, and as the audience start to boo he warns, "don't start". This is it, the facade is falling at this point and Tulisa tells him she can tell he's still an aggressive character. Louis starts to say his piece and tells him he has "no likeability at all" (incidentally I think likeability is a word made up entirely by Louis Walsh that has now fallen casually into every day useage). I personally think this is a bit of a harsh comment, and wish Louis hadn't been quite so brutal.

HOWEVER, IT TURNS OUT THAT ONCE AGAIN I HAVE MISJUDGED GEORGE as at this point in the proceedings he starts banging on about how Tulisa is no replacement for previous judge Cheryl Cole, calling Tulisa a "scumbag from the block" and some other word we don't know because it's bleeped out and they put one of those comedy Xs over his mouth.

I don't know a lot about Tulisa but I'll tell you what I do know, and that is the fact she has not had an easy life. I know she has had a difficult life, suffering from anorexia and self-harm, growing up in a rough council estate and caring for her mother from a young age who suffers from schizophrenia. Whatever your opinions on the group N-Dubz (personally I think they're a heap of shite apart from that Playing With Fire song), you have to admire the fact that they've worked their arses off to get where they are today. They didn't mouth off on a reality show to get where they are, they have worked hard for it.

This is why I have a lot of respect for Tulisa, even more so after some low-life decides to come on the telly calling her a dog just because of her background and the fact she isn't Cheryl Cole. If that were me I couldn't have kept cool, but she managed to and that is why George was the one who ended up walking away looking like an idiot. There were a lot of pricks on tonight's X Factor but George has successfully been remembered as the biggest one of the lot. Idiot.

Have we seen the last of George?: Unless he comes on in the montage of "joke auditions" in the finale dressed as a dog or something, I presume that we have indeed seen the last of him. Here's hoping anyway.


Hilarious X Factor Visual Of The Night

Goldie Cheung being sick into a Morrisons carrier bag.

Oh, X Factor.

Watch the auditions yourself:
Frankie Cocozza - Valerie
George Gerasimou - Give Me Everything
Goldie Cheung - Copper Bell/Proud Mary
Janet Devlin - Your Song
Kitty Brucknell - The Edge of Glory


  1. Quite simply, laughing my tits off.

  2. "I even fancy him a bit if I'm honest, even if he is a bit rough". - RE: George.
    I'd rather have Frankie knowing he was 'mental' compared to George and his pencil moustache thinking he was a reformed characters.

    Also. Do you not think they showed this attack against Tulisa so people would like her more?

    Funny as always.

  3. I never watch the auditions because they make me feel like I'm going to be sick in a Morrisons bag.
    I really don't like Janet at all. Her accent kept on changing in the song, its like Diana Vickers all over again (I hated her until she brought out her amazing album). I wanted Janet to be a bit more Luna Lovegood and mad.

  4. Lizzy- thank you. Please be careful with your tits in the future

    William - When we first met George I genuinely thought it was going to be a redpemption story whereas as soon as we met Frankie I knew instantly he was going to be a wanker. If we were only talking looks (though I dont properly fancy either) I'd go Frankie but because he proved himself instantly to be a tosspot I found him less attractive.

    Gem - You should watch the auditions they're a right laugh. I also didnt like Diana when she was on the X Factor but her album is incredible I LOVES IT.

  5. Thought Janet was alright, annoyed me that everyone was all 'OH GOD SHE'S SO GOOD' when she did the exact Ellie Goulding version with a slight sprinkle of that breathy Diana Vickers style.

    They looked like they skimmed over some of the better people last night, hopefully we'll 'get to know' them at boot camp and they'll go through, not that twat Kitty. If she goes through I'll have to scratch an eye out every time she comes on screen. That leaves me two times to see her before I'M BLIND.

  6. The auditions take too long don't they? I'd rather hear verse, chorus, judges' comments and then quickly onto the next one rather than "I was born in this hospital age 4 I fell off my bike and got this scar, then age 8 I met my best friend Jenny who moved to Cardiff then moved back a year later when her dad got sick ETC. ETC." You know what I mean? x

  7. "Listen here, Princess, out of my back window I can see the charred remains of Hebburn New Town Club and a Netto in the distance, nowhere is perfect."

    Ah that has been the highlight of my day.

    Welcome to South Tyneside.


  8. THIS WHOLE BLOGPOST. Somehow you manage to sum up all my feelings concerning the X Factor and then you phrase them very nicely. And hilariously, especially the whole 'Night out with Frankie' thing ahahaha.

    But seriously, Janet, everyone is RAVING about her. Why??!!!! I mean, as you said, that was a terrible song choice and also it was further proved to be terrible when they played the Ewan McGregor version afterwards, which sounds so much better than the Ellie Goulding cover.

    I just really get annoyed by the sob stories combined with sad instrumental music in the background.

    *steps off the soapbox*