Friday, 26 August 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

"HOLD ON A MINUTE DANIEL", you may be thinking, "I've barely recovered from yesterday's so-funny-I-gave-myself-a-hernia Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup and already you're chucking another one at us! What the eff is going on, mate?"

Well I'll tell you what the eff is going on. I've been away, you see, visiting my future home La Ferté Bernard out in the French country. It is a beautiful little town, I can not wait to walk around it singing the opening number of Beauty and the Beast while the townspeople whisper at each other about how I don't fit in. So anyway, while I was away a lot of stuff happened that I'm only just catching up on, so you'll have to forgive me for dishing out blogs like no one's business. Are you ready for a brand spanking new celebrity roundup, featuring news you've more than likely already heard? Brilliant stuff.

1. What will the Katie Price "conveyor belt of delusion" churn out next?

You've got to hand it to Katie Price, the woman does not give up. Each time she produces a heap of shite no one is interested in, she refuses to let it get her down. Her single might have flopped and her latest book might already be going for half-price on Amazon, but she just keeps her head up high and moves onto her next project.

However, I don't think anyone was prepared for what she had hiding up her sleeve (that's her actual sleeve, folks, not her wizard's sleeve-like vajayjay) to unleash on the world next. It seems that Katie has decided to start her own magazine. Will it cover interesting news stories, interviews with fellow celebrities or humorous columnists? No it will not.

Ignoring the fact the public could not care less about her opinions or beliefs, Katie has decided to start Katie magazine- a magazine all about herself. "And who is its first cover star?" I hear you cry. Well why not take a look for yourself..?

That's right, folks. Realising Elle and Glamour weren't exactly braying her door down (hell, even Amy Childs has done a shoot for Vogue) Katie decided to take matters into her own hands and create her own magazine to be on the cover of. Sweet Jesus, this woman's shamelessness knows no bounds, does it?

Of course you're now intrigued as to what can be expected inside the magazine itself. Well, one feature inside will reveal exactly what each of Katie's tattoos ACTUALLY MEAN. Riveting stuff. Meanwhile, later in the magazine you can read Katie giving her verdict on a variety of stars' styles. I'm not being funny, but Katie Price showed up to the launch of her iPod covers wearing this outfit... she's hardly in a position to judge, is she? I think we all know the expression, "people who cram their oversized tits into a silver lycra jumpsuit with a tiara of iPods on their heads shouldn't throw stones", don't we? I'd be more inclined to buy a fitness DVD endorsed by Beth Ditto than listen to what Katie Price had to say about fashion-- whatever next..?

2. Britney Spears wants to educate others.

So the chances are you've read the recent Popjustice interview with Britney Spears where, as usual, she gives absolutely nothing about herself away because she is essentially a robot programmed to say things like "I love the music I help create" and "we all make mistakes, it's how you deal with them that make you who you are" and to avoid saying things like "the voices in my head are getting louder LEAVE ME ALONE JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE OK WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS TORTURE WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO GO ON STAGE IN FIVE MINUTES?? WHEN WILL THE SHOUTING STOP???" In case you haven't read it, here is a link to it.

While she does manage to dance around questions about what she believes have been mistakes in her career and admits that she never goes clubbing apart from to the one she has in her house (a lovely idea, but what she probably means is that she put the new Jennifer Lopez CD on the last time she did the hoovering), she also confesses that if she were not a singer she'd have loved to have taught kids.

I think the only thing more insane than Katie Price dishing out fashion advice is Britney Jean helping form the minds of today's youth. Just to illustrate my point here are several genuine quotes from Britney Spears, would-be educator on a variety of subjects.

"I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa".

"I go to a lot of overseas places. Like Canada".

"I did not have implants, I just had a growth spurt".

"I am for the death penalty. Who commits terrible acts must get a fitting punishment. That way he learns the lesson for the next time.”

Would you let this woman teach your children??

3. Some dickhead does something minging on Celebrity Big Brother.

Undoubtedly the least famous contestant on this year's Celebrity Big Brother, from the offset it was obvious that "model" Bobby Sabel would need more than what Mean Girls' Janis Ian would call his "technically good physique" to stop him slipping by unnoticed.

Unfortunately for poor Bobby, as the days flew by it became apparent that he was a gigantic bore and eventually got put up for eviction by Kerry Katona as he was the housemate who she believed had come out of his shell the least. Clearly Bobby realised he was going to have to pull out all the stops if he wanted to stay in the house, and has started a verbal attack on several of his housemates calling Amy Childs a "user" and blaming the fact Kerry Katona can't land a man on the fact she is "gross". All behind their backs, of course. What a top dude.

It's paparazzo Darryn Lyons for whom Bobby has the most venom, though. He started off calling Darryn a "fat fuck" in the Diary Room before mocking his pink hair and ab implants (mind you, those fake abs are absolutely ridiculous, aren't they?) He then went on to say that Darryn was a "prick" (which, yeah, I'll admit he is). However, he then took things a bit too far and started being a bit gross.

The housemates have been set a task this week to become characters from The Wizard Of Oz with Darryn taking on the role of the Tin Man and Bobby being forced to dress up as Dorothy. As part of the task, at various points in the day the "Tin Man" must freeze on the spot, only allowed to move when "Dorothy" pours "oil" (actually lemonade in a tin can) into his mouth to free his joints.

Rather disgustingly, Bobby was so full of fury at Darryn (seemingly for no actual reason other than that he is a tosser, which I'll admit is fair enough because Darryn Lyons is a giant tosser) that he took the oil can into the sauna with him and deliberately collected his sweat into the tin can only to later pour his sweat into Darryn's mouth. Is that disgusting or what?

Bobby later went on to confess to Darryn that he'd essentially sweated directly into his mouth, and Darryn took it surprisingly well. Either Darryn has a secret fetish for having a layer of sweat in his drink, or he is far more patient and far less of a prick than I'd initially thought. I was almost on the verge of liking Darryn, in fact, but then I remembered he has THIS underneath his shirt...

...and came crashing down to Earth again.


I'm off to Rumpoli's for my dinner now. YOM.
Enjoy your weekend!


  1. Beth Ditto.... fitness dvd... actual lmao!! :o)