Thursday, 25 August 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

You know the drill by now, it's time for a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup. Apologies if this is your first time on the blog in which case you won't know the drill. Not your fault. Read on, it's hardly a complicated process...

1. Darryn Lyons reveals a shocking secret on Big Brother.


So Celebrity Big Brother is chogging along nicely on Channel 5 and it isn't the train-wreck everyone was praying it would be. If anything, I'm rather enjoying it. Brian Dowling has proved a very charismatic presenter, Amy Childs is just a triumph of a housemate and Jedward have proved that occasionally they do stop being pricks, although it is a rare occasion.

One thing Big Brother is perfect at doing is showing people up at their most tosspot-like moments. From George Galloway crawling around the floor and pretending to drink milk from Rula Lenska's liver-spotted, old hand to Donny Tourette stomping around the place like the class A prick that he is, if there's a side of you that is a bell end then be prepared for it to be exposed to the nation.

This year it was the turn of paparazzo reporter Darryn Lyons to be shown up as a royal wanker. Now let's not be unkind, but Darryn Lyons is no slim Jim. He's a bit on the portly side, shall we say? We shall. Also, while we're on the subject WHO ATE ALL THE PIES WHO ATE ALL THE PIES IT WAS DARRYN IT WAS DARRYN HE ATE ALL THE PIES.

*clears throat*

Yes, sorry about that. So anyway, during an exchange in the Big Brother gym earlier this week Darryn braved taking his top off and his washboard abs did not go unnoticed by the rest of his housemates, who were keen to find out exactly how Darryn acquired such an impressive physique (what they didn't say was "OH, FATBOY, WHAT'S WITH THE ABS?" which is probably just as well because that would be dead unkind).

What followed was an awkward exchange wherein Darryn confessed that he'd had a fake six pack implanted into his system, leaving him with this ridiculous display:


On an unrelated note, here are a few quotes from Darryn's own website Mr. Paparazzi:

"We speak for everyone when we say...yuck!" - after Wayne Rooney revealed his hair transplant.

"She had a full blown trout pout for a while" - discussing Girls Aloud singer Sarah Harding

"She does look a bit duck-like" - talking about Katie Price after her alleged collagen implants.

NOW. I'm not saying that I write this blog and only say nice things, but to take the piss out of celebrities when you have what looks like six cinder blocks stitched under your skin is hardly the way to go on, is it? Once again, here is a picture of Darryn Lyon's "realistic" abs...


...and here is a picture of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...

Brilliant.

2. Amanda Holden has some excellent news.


For obvious reasons, it hasn't exactly been a good year for Amanda Holden which is a shame because I am a big fan of hers and the way she has held her head high and soldiered on through it all is truly admirable.

Anyway, she has some very good news indeed because she has only gotten and got herself pregnant. Big congratulations to Amanda for:

1) Getting pregnant and preparing herself to give the gift of life to a new baby
2) Having sex more frequently than me, although there are homeless nuns who are no doubt getting it more than me, so this is hardly worth congratulations.

While this is brilliant news for Amanda and her family, who are no doubt over the moon, there is a sticky wicket in that Amanda is currently starring in London's West End, playing Princess Fiona in Shrek The Musical. She can hardly carry on that role when she's gestating a baby can she? NO SHE CAN NOT, she needs to sit at home with her feet up (although it's getting her legs in the air that got her into that state in the first place WAHEY).

Thankfully for Amanda, when she goes on maternity leave they've already found a perfect replacement for her. Someone energetic, lively, charismatic and ABOVE ALL so interesting that if you look directly at her you have a stroke. It's Kimberley Walsh.

GET ME TO THE THEATRE, NOW.

3. Mutya Buena has won her court case but they basically might as well have patted her on the head and gone "it's alright, Mutya, it's alright, who's a good girl, who's a good girl..?"


Yeah OK so the legend goes that a while ago three young girls got together to make a girl-group with a difference. This group was called Sugababes and consisted of Keisha Buchanan, Siobhan Donaghy (hipsters will try and tell you her solo stuff is "amazing" and it simply is not) and Mutya Buena.

Now you might not have realised this but over the years the line-up of the band has not always been consistent. Way back in the day Siobhan quit over rumours she was being bullied by Keisha and was replaced by Heidi Range (so-called because her age could RANGE from anywhere between 19-45).

Then Mutya decided she didn't have enough time to be a mother AND a popstar and decided to quit the band so she had more time to slob around the Celebrity Big Brother house (which she also quit because she is just a big quitter) and get gigantic bum implants. She was then replaced by Amelle Berrabah, who ended up forcing Keisha out of the band to be replaced by Jade Ewen. It's all very complicated, isn't it?

Unfortunately for some of the band's older fans, by the time the fourth line-up had been announced they felt that the group had strayed too far from their original ideals and all that. Just to give you an idea of this, here is a screen-grab from the group's debut video Overload:


Nice bit of demure angora from Siobhan "arty" Donaghy, there. Now let's have a look at the group's first video with their current line-up, About A Girl:


Hmmm, you can see their point a bit, can't you?

Anyway, ex-Sugababe Mutya Buena decided that the group shouldn't be allowed to call itself "Sugababes" anymore since none of its original members remained in the band, and in her eyes the name belonged to herself, Keisha and oh-so-arty Siobhan. I saw Siobhan Donaghy in Rent Remixed. She was OK.

Mutya decided to do something about this injustice and took the three current 'babes to court over it all, insisting if they want to continue as a band they'll have to change their name. She did quite well in the end, did our Mutya, and is now the owner of the name "Sugababes". Unfortunately for her, it's only in certain circumstances and the circumstances themselves aren't the best, I can tell you.

Rather embarrassingly, Mutya can only actually use the name Sugababes for "paper, cardboard and goods made from these materials - namely stationery, paper gift wrap and paper gift-wrapping ribbons". So basically, Mutya is free to bring out her own range of Sugababes hole-punchers while the current line-up continue to perform under their name. Brilliant stuff.

I must admit I have very little sympathy for Mutya. If she was really that bothered about Sugababes then she shouldn't really have quit in the first place, should she? She was not sacked from the group, she was not forced out by a record company or an angry band-mate, she left of her own accord. If you left your job as "office supervisor" and didn't like the ear-rings your replacement wore you wouldn't take her to court and insist she no longer be referred to as "office supervisor" would you? NO YOU BLOODY WOULD NOT.

Meanwhile, Amelle is trying to put all the ugliness behind her by posting the most mundane things you could possibly think of on Twitter:



Intrigued, I decided to contact Amelle myself on the site:


I fucking crack myself up, I can tell you.

Yeah so that's that.
Enjoy your lives because one day we will die.

5 comments:

  1. Your tweets are life changing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree with William, I can sleep at night now that I know what your fave ABBA song is.
    Those ab implants are vile.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I wish you'd all stop being so cruel about ab implants, I'm having some put in myself. As well as fake boobs and an extra arm added on.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You want to be careful. Mutya will probably fight you.

    ReplyDelete