Saturday, 6 August 2011

Celebrity Big Brother.

Yeah so Big Brother ended last year. It was sad. There are things which are more sad though. Here are several of those things:
  • War
  • Famine
  • AIDS
  • Thinking you have the right money for something then realising you are 20p or even worse just 10p short and are going to have to break into a tenner.
It turns out, though, that Big Brother is far from over, as Channel 5 have decided to resurrect it with a brand new series of Celebrity Big Brother which will be starting in less than two weeks. The identities of its contestants are being kept a secret, but rumours are flying around this way and that. Here are some of the rumoured contestants and what I reckon would happen if they went on.


Reality TV history
X Factor, appeared during last year's Big Brother as part of the "Ignore The Obvious" task, starred in Jedward: Let Loose.

Housemate potential
It's fair to say that Jedward are two of the most annoying creatures on God's green Earth. I'll be the first to admit that when they've got their mouths shut and their hair done that they are very beautiful young men, but extensive coverage of them is only going to get on everyone's tits. I can't see them lasting very long because of this, but what's important to remember about Jedward is that they are harmless at the root of it all so could be quite likeable.

One thing I think we could be reminded of should they get into the house is the fact that at the root of it all they are two very ambitious young men who are quite ruthless when it comes to furthering themselves. For further proof of this, consult this video from their time on The X Factor where they completely steal focus during what is meant to be a group performance.

I know people have this idea that John and Edward are two idiots but at the heart of it I do think they know what they're doing and could even be described as quite calculated, which could potentially bode well for them in the Big Brother house. If they play their cards right they could be in there for longer than people might think. So long as they keep their fucking mouths shut.

Would it be good for their careers?
At the end of the day, no one is going to be surprised that Jedward are annoying little shits and the people who already buy their records aren't going to stop, are they?

Amy Childs

Reality TV history?
Star of The Only Way Is Essex.

Housemate potential?
Of all the stars of The Only Way Is Essex, it seems like Amy Childs is the one most people are interested in. She is by far my favourite person on the show because she always seems game for a laugh and doesn't seem to take herself too seriously. I think that on the show she comes across as a right laugh and if she can keep it up for the whole of her time on Big Brother, with rumours around her quitting TOWIE before the filming of its third series begin suggesting she could be a housemate, I think she could come out of it all very well.

HOWEVER, it's important to remember that some (if not all) of The Only Way Is Essex is staged, meaning much of Amy's dialogue could not even be her own. Celebrity Big Brother is a fly-on-the-wall show, meaning we'll be seeing sides of Amy we've never seen before which could end up working against her if she ends up exposing unpleasant characteristics we'd not seen on her previously.

Meanwhile, she also has a cracking pair of tits which will keep Daily Star readers happy, but depending on the way she parades herself about she might well piss off a lot of women, who make up a vital part of the Big Brother voters.

Would it be good for her career?
Realistically it could go either way. If Amy comes across like she does on The Only Way Is Essex then this could work brilliantly for her, but there's always a chance she'll just look like a massive slapper that no one will want to go near afterwards, isn't there?

Joe McElderry

Reality TV history?
Winner of The X Factor, winner of Popstar To Operastar

Housemate potential?
Awwww. Little Joe. Joe McElderry is just lovely. Could you imagine him on Big Brother? It'd be lovely. When times were low in that house his beaming face would just keep everyone going, wouldn't it? I think if rumours of him going in are true then he's my personal tip for a winner because I can't imagine anyone having a bad word to say about him.

The only problem with Joe would be if he was in a house with massive characters, which it certainly sounds like he could be, he could fade into the background a bit because his behaviour isn't particularly erratic compared with the rest of the rumoured housemates. Having said that, regardless of how quiet he might be in comparison to others, I can see Joe being a real figure of stability in the house. AW. Isn't he lovely?

Would it be good for his career?
Undoubtedly yes. He's still fresh in people's minds from Popstar To Operastar and it would be good for people to get to know more of him. Frankly, if he isn't one of the housemates, he wants to get on the phone to his agent and see if it's not too late for him to get in there.

Pamela Anderson

Reality TV history?
Dancing With The Stars as well as appearances on Big Brother equivalents in India, Australia and France.

Housemate potential?
There's something a bit sad about Pamela Anderson these days, isn't there? Her glory days are certainly behind her, and I'm not sure watching her clutch desperately at any remaining fame she has left is going to make for very pleasant viewing.

On the other hand, Pammy has been in the game (rater than "on the game") for long enough now that she knows what people want to see and knows how to play up to her strengths. I don't think anyone would be surprised to see her trashy behaviour in the Big Brother house, so if she can prove herself to be a nice person then she might be a good housemate. Or it might just be very, very sad.

Would it be good for her career?
As long as she behaves herself to some degree, she could get off unscathed.

Kerry Katona

Reality TV history?
*takes deep breath* Winner of I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!, My Fair Kerry, Kerry Katona: Crazy In Love, Kerry Katona: Whole Again, Kerry Katona: What's the Problem?, hoped to be a contestant on last year's Celebrity Big Brother but failed the psychological tests, Dancing On Ice

Housemate potential?
Kerry Katona needs not to be famous anymore. I don't want to watch her on my television anymore. The joke isn't funny anymore.

Would it be good for her career?
Kerry Katona does not have a job. Her job is full-time mother of four. There is no shame in this. Would appearing on Celebrity Big Brother help her in her job of being a mother of four? No, no it would not.

Charlie Sheen

Reality TV history?

Housemate potential?
Charlie Sheen is undoubtedly one of the most talked about, if not the most talked about, star of 2011. Rumours about him are constantly flying about the place if it's not drug abuse it's polyamorous relationships and violence and alcohol dependencies. Thing is, we don't know what's true and what isn't- Charlie Sheen is one of the most enigmatic celebrities of recent times. That's why if Channel 5 have managed to snag him for their first ever series of Celebrity Big Brother they want to hold onto him any way they can because it is going to be gripping viewing.

Personally of all the rumoured housemates, it's Charlie Sheen I'd be most excited to see because we really don't know very much about him at all despite his constant dominance over the celebrity news world, which is why it'd be fascinating to watch him in an environment like the Big Brother house.

Would it be good for his career?
Who knows? 'Citing though, innit?

The annoying thing, of course, is that these are only rumours. We'll probably end up stuck with Jenny Eclair, some footballer's girlfriend nobody's heard of and the least exciting of the Belle Amie girls. Bring it on.


  1. I heard Kerry and her mum are going in! I don't think I could deal with watching the pair of them rowing for the entire duration of CBB? Fair dues to C5 for ressurecting BB though, this makes me happy :o)

  2. Oh god, not Kerry Katona, she is the one person I will meet in Hell. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning I remember I live in a world where Kerry Katona exists and then I feel sad for the rest of the day.

    Also, do you not think Claire Powell is like some kind of demonic overlord? I want to see a spin-off show focussing solely on her inherent emptiness, lack of soul, and supernatural abilities (used for evil).

  3. The thing is, no matter how much I wanted to watch everyone else my distaste at Kerry Katona will override it. It's like when they bought in Jade Goody's mum into the CBB house and I just couldn't be arsed to watch them arguing the whole time.

  4. Kerry Katona is a useless sack of shite. That is all.