Friday, 29 July 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

This Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup that you are about to enjoy (I hope you enjoy it, at least, and frankly if you don't then you can fuck right off out me life) will be the 75th one I have ever written. Would you Adam and Eve it? Just think of the things we've read about over those 75 celebrity roundups, the relationships we've seen form and those we've seen end. The music videos we've mocked and the outfits we've taken the piss out of. This, folks, is what life is all about. WHAT'S GOING ON TODAY, THEN..?

1. Lady GaGa is doing a very long walk indeed, I can only hope she's getting people to sponsor her so at the very least people with cerebral palsy or something can benefit from it.


Yeah so you know that singer, Lady GaGa? She's quite famous I imagine you've heard of her. Anyway a while ago she set tongues wagging when she revealed that her latest music video would be coming in JUST DAYS. If you don't believe me then fuck you, because I have proof:


There are many things we can derive from this simple tweet. First off, GaGa's insistence on referring to herself as "Mother Monster" (for those among you who are, you know, idiots, that's what MM stands for) is nauseating. If ever I was to meet Lady GaGa and she used the expression "Mother Monster" in my presence I would grab whatever utensil she was wearing on her head and clout her with it until she got a grip.

Secondly, we can see from the date (15th July, TWO EFFING WEEKS AGO) that Lady GaGa is, in fact, a bloody great liar as the "days" she spoke of in her tweet have now rolled into weeks, next she'll be telling us that we can expect the video in the Autumn of 2013. Thing is, though, this tweet set the fan community abuzz with rumours of exactly what the next single was going to be. Frankly the fact she'd used the hash-tag "Yuyi" makes it blindingly obvious she's releasing Yoü and I (that and the fact everywhere she goes these days she's performing that song) but most of her fans are 13 year old homos who are too busy being shoved in their lockers and disappointing their parents to do any minor detective work.

Obviously wise to her fans' impatience, GaGa wisely decided to give them a taster of the video with her most popular fansite "GaGa Daily" releasing the following still from the video-shoot:


She wants to watch where she's going, walking down the middle of the street like that. Hope she's at least wearing something reflective so that when the ambulance arrives they don't go "it was her own stupid fault, I hope she doesn't make it just to teach a lesson to the rest of the world".

BUT NO! That's the whole point! GaGa herself has been dishing the dirt on the video and apparently it's all about her walking all the way from New York City to Nebraska all in the name of love. What a lovely message. As if to really hammer the point home, GaGa tweeted this picture of a pair of grassy shoes:


My mam would have something to say about those shoes, she hates ballet pumps and believes all women should, like herself, wear heels at all times. "But Carole," you'd say to her. Or even, if you were feeling particularly respectful, you might start, "But Mrs. Welsh". However you started your sentence you'd finish it like this, "Lady GaGa is walking all the way from New York City to Nebraska in the name of love-- she simply couldn't do it in high heels". To that my mam would simply give you a look, when we went to New York she walked all over the streets in her high heels. Fair enough after four days her big toe turned black and she feared it was going to have to be amputated, but it would have been worth it.

In the name of research, I decided to check out Lady GaGa's route using Google Maps:


You see that, folks? 20 days, 0 hours. Either this music video is going to depict a much-abridged version of the journey or this is going to be Lady GaGa's most over-bearingly long video yet...

2. Cher Lloyd calls Girls Aloud "cheesy" whilst promoting what can only be described as one of the cheesiest singles in the history of British pop music.


It seems like Cher Lloyd is rapidly becoming one of those popstars who goes along for an innocent interview, sits down in the chair awaits questions to be posed to her only for a hideous brat to possess her body and answer the questions on her behalf sparing no thought for consequences or the feelings of others.

In the run-up to her 18th birthday yesterday (Happy birthday, Cher, one can only presume you spent your night the same way I spent my 18th- a night out on Newcastle gay scene with guests dressing as either Madonna or Britney Spears depending on their preference with only closeted members of those invited choosing to go as Justin Timberlake which in itself is surely the queerest thing ever heard of EH, MATTHEW?), Cher gave an interview to The Guardian where she was quizzed about the musical influences on her upcoming album.

When asked whether she listened to girl-band Girls Aloud when she was growing up, Cher was quick to reply "No way!" despite having been mentored by one of its members Cheryl Cole during her time on The X Factor. She went on to say the group were "too cheesy" for her, as she preferred to listen to "grime" and "garage" music.

Not being funny, right, but I host my own show on a gay radio station, so I know cheesy music when I hear it and Cher Lloyd's debut single Swagger Jagger is probably the cheesiest song of 2011 so far (that wasn't released by Jedward.) I'm not saying there's anything wrong with cheesy music, and I'm a massive fan of Swagger Jagger- I think it's great! But chastising Girls Aloud for being cheesy when your own single rhymes "hater" with "see you later" seems a tad hypocritical.

Just to prove a point, let's have a quick listen to the song in question, Swagger Jagger:



And now let's listen to a Girls Aloud single from a few years back called Sexy! No, No, No...:



Can anyone honestly say they believe the latter is cheesier than the former? Really?

3. The new Nicola Roberts single is nothing short of amazing, and if you don't agree that's fine but you should know that I had ya ma.


Speaking of Girls Aloud, that leads us nicely onto the topic of Nicola Roberts and more importantly, her new single Lucky Day. First I'm going to backtrack a bit, if that's OK. Excellent.

You might remember I recently went on a bit of a blogging hiatus. Blogging was boring me a bit, so I stopped updating quite as much. In what can only be described as POOR TIMING, however, this was right around the emergence of Nicola Roberts's debut single Beat Of My Drum. Meaning it didn't get covered on this blog. To bring you up to speed: it is everything I wanted it to be. And more. Only one complaint, and that's her outfit in the accompanying music video:


She's strutting around in a pair of baggy knickers as if this an acceptable way to go on! Dear me. Thankfully, the song is fun and diverting enough to distract from this fashion faux pas, but really the first time I saw the Beat Of My Drum I longed for her second video and prayed that by the time it came out she'd have learned to put on bottoms.

Thankfully, I didn't have to wait that long for the video for her second single Lucky Day as it leaked online in its demo form and can still be seen on social networking site Tumblr. I was delighted the first time I saw it, the song is a pretty Kylie Minogue/Sophie Ellis-Bextor-type ditty but with the video still being in its preliminary stages the leaked version still contains directions for where special effects need to be put in. Embarrassing. Still, at least Nicola is fully clad.

Or so I thought! As the video went on, I noticed that Nicola's exhibitionist side was starting to take over and before I knew it...


The woman cannot help herself, I swear. SHE SHOULD BE CALLED KNICKERLA ROBERTS REALLY HAHAHAHAHA. If you don't believe me, let's continue with the video shall we?


I'd just like to stress that by this point in the video we are not quite at the minute mark. And there's more!


And then comes the money shot...


Honestly the girl ends up flashing her knickers more times in one music video would than a drunken member of the Loose Women panel would on an entire night out! Thankfully she's singing a fabulous song, so the video is more than a simple "I'll show you mine but there's no need for you to show me yours because frankly showing mine is all I really want to do" affair.

Remarkably, though, she's not finished yet!:


Nicola. Flashing your knickers in the middle of the street. Are you sure you're not a Geordie?

Right that's it. Hope that was satisfactory. Comment if it was. I'll love you forever.
Laters.

6 comments:

  1. Knickerla!! Tell Carole I couldnt agree more about the heels :o)

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  2. oh, daniel.
    the bit about your mother.
    brilliant.

    x

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  3. My mam has been warned by doctors that, at 51-years old and a lifetime of literally only wearing heels that she can no longer wear them. She continues to wear them. The shoes she uses as slippers have a slight heel. She is ridiculous. x

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  4. QUEEN KNICKERLA FOR EVERRRRR.
    Also, Cher Lloyd needs to shut up, I'm starting to understand why people dislike her so much now.

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  5. Knickerla Roberts. BRILLIANT!

    I quite like Cher Lloyd's tune, but I wish it wasn't her singing it. I dislike her intensely. Hypocritical tit.

    ReplyDelete